"mkultra"

[pmark23]

A newly-branded CIA operative faces turmoil when he falls in love with one of the prostitutes he's secretly observing during the 1950 "LSD Bordello" experiments in San Francisco.

[alex whitmer]

Man, does this ever sound interesting. Talk about a piece of history long filed away.

Alex

[RodThompson]

Jesus! And it's a short script?

[pmark23]

I used a very small font.

[Judgement]

I should of use some small font too

[pmark23]

It's so short because all the dialogue is replaced with meaningful action. It's not silent though -- just no-one speaks (or you just hear murmuring/whispering, intelligible voices in another room, etc).

That saved a lot of page-space, but the script is pushing 8-10 minutes screen-time if cut as I see it (long lingering shots). It could easily be cut tighter to be 5-6 minutes. The entire script is only 5 pages.

[jamiejay]

definitely sounds unique. can't wait to read it!

[Redcloak]

I'm sure this is partly my fault, but I must confess I had no idea what this script was about...

Is it science-fiction? I was pretty much lost as to what happened at the end. Please enlighten...

[realogist]

I was a little confused at this script as well. Read it twice and made more sense.

Good use of visual imagery to convey the story and emotions of the characters w/o a single word. But sometimes the descriptions felt too short and simple, not sure if that's what you were going for. It created a sense of long, drawn out shots too me, like a very slow, watchfull, lurking tone to the script. No one talking, too afraid to speak, everyone just watching everyone else.

I don't know the history of the LSD, but what I got from the script was.. Mysterious liquids in deilver truck spill. They are brought to a house. Two men, White and Smith are waiting for the delivery. Moves on to obervation room and Smith starts watching girls entertaining men. It is a peep show, sex show, weird experiment, not quite sure. The girls know about the observation room and come to the kitchen to sit with Smith then returns back to the bedroom to entertain more men.

What was the whole point with the notebook? Was he timing them, or taking notes about what they were doing in the bedroom?

Then the ending suggests something weird is going on. Maybe, the end Smith takes the roles of the Blone girl and now he's the one being watched by some other dude taking notes behind his mirror in his tiny apartment.. Thought maybe the message of this script was the theme of being "watched." when you're watching someone taking notes, but maybe you're the one really being watched by someone else. what is real, who is watching who?????

These were my questions as I read the script 2nd time

[pmark23]

In the 1950's, the CIA had a secret project called "MKULTRA", where they tested LSD on the American population. One of the things they did was to secretly give LSD to "johns" in a San Francisco brothel, while an agent watched through a one-way mirror and made notes.

There was a brief on-screen explanation at the beginning of the script, but the people I showed the first versions to liked it better without the explanation -- weirder. Maybe I should have kept it in?

You got it right -- who is watching the watchers? The question is not rhetorical.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Great idea to use this story as a short film, but I also was a little confused by reading it. It's also hard to believe that no one would talk at all in any of this. I can see the scenes of people by themsevles not talking, but when they're with each other you'd think someone would say something.

No dialog and just having people going to different places of a house and doing stuff reminded me of the first scenes of "The Lost Highway".

In your defense though, I think this would be much better suited as a feature film. All of the conflict elements are there. The new agent who struggles with what he's doing and his morals, and also fighting the feelings he's having for one of the brothel workers. You also have people that are hooked on drugs, and maybe some want to quit, and other certainly do not. A perfect reflection on drug use in our society right now. Great drama potential!

[ghalied]

Great story. I loved the lack of dialogue and think you handled it well. It lent a surreal feel to the whole script. Most of the scripts so far, start well and fall away at the end. Yours is the other way around and I think its because of your descriptions. I enjoyed this because when I was on the second page, I remembered this thread and realised it was this story. If I hadn't remembered the fifties setting and the LSD testing, I would have been lost too.

Just a couple of sentences setting up the scene and another couple setting up the main character, would have made a huge difference.

But still, loved it loved it loved it, very stylistic and original. Great writing.

[chapelgrovefilms]

Okay, I found the lack of dialogue tedious after about page 3. And it needs a lot more description. A few examples...

"INT. TINY APARTMENT -- DAY"......what room in the apartment?

"...inspects where it’s coming from, then cuts his hand." How did he cut his hand?

"Smith stops in front of the house..." How did he get there? Car? Bike? Foot? Skateboard?

"He manhandles Smith into the house..." There's no description that Smith went up to the door.

"The pen drops to the floor, roles to the glass with a CLINK." Every pen I've ever had had a clip on it to attach to your pocket, which makes it impossible to roll. A pencil would roll.

After the pen drops, the entire next scene in the kitchen has no point that I can discern.

"The client appears to be on the verge of a complete breakdown." In what way does he look like he's about to have a breakdown?

These kinds of things really take me out of the story. Add to that confusion -- White and Smith have names that are easily confused with each other. And I kept confusing the girls as well.

Why is White suddenly wearing nothing but underwear in the observation room? He wears a shoulder holster, but is there a gun in it?

"She prepares the LSD concoction..." This is the first mention of any 'LSD concoction'. I assume that's what the spilled liquid in the truck was, but that wasn't made clear. And there's certainly no way for the audience to know it at this point.

Smith's affection for the blonde seems totally unmotivated.

"An ARTIST sits on the bed with the Blonde." How does the audience know he's an artist?

"He watches as she sensually injects him..." How do you inject someone 'sensually'?

Maybe I'm too picky. A small thing here and there is no big deal. But there seem to be an awful lot of these things, and like I said -- they just take me out of the story. This isn't a 6-page story -- it's a 12-page story with a bunch of stuff taken out to cram it into 6 pages.

On the plus side, it's got an overall interesting concept and could be very, very visual. I think the 12-page version would probably be a darned good story and make an engaging and interesting short film. And it's got a neat, if not entirely unpredictable, twist at the end.

Creative, interesting, different. But not well executed in a 6-page format, in my opinion. But that's just me.

:)

[pmark23]

Thanks for taking the time to type all that up! It raises a big pet-peeve of mine.

Screenplays are not literary devices on their own. They are blueprints. Why write the part of a person walking to a door? Does it add anything to the story? If someone picks up a box of broken glass, then has a bleeding finger, doesn't logic dictate that he cut his finger on the glass? Even more, almost all of the points brought up are dictatorial or production-design decisions and best left out of the script.

After reading quite a few of the scripts one of the things that strikes me is how overwritten most of them are. They leave nothing to the imagination, or even worse, stifle the imagination of the reader (and future filmmaker). They read more like short-stories written in script format.

In my opinion the best screenplay ever written is "Alien". The descriptions and dialogue explain nothing, leaving it to the production designer, director, and actors to fill in the spaces -- which is exactly what a screenplay should do.


I believe in the reviewing process that the reviewer is always right. After all, if they brought up something then there's a reason for bringing it up that needs to be addressed (and Dave is right that the story is a bit choppy). Because of this I usually don't argue or explain things to the reviewer. However in this case I've decided to use this to air my peeve. It's not directed at anyone in particular.

The other reason for bringing this up is that you're only allowed to enter one screenplay, so will take this one out and keep "Canada" in (which is better written). I'll use this thread to vent! :Drogar-Smoke(DBG):

[chapelgrovefilms]

See, my opinion is that the function of a screenplay is to create the story visually in the mind of the reader, with regard to the important and relevant information. It's not necessary to describe everything in minute detail, but if the reader is going to follow the flow of the story, he can't keep hitting roadblocks and saying "Wait.....where did that come from?"

So for me, if a character is in the middle of a conversation and lights a cigarette, I won't just write "As he speaks, Bob lights a cigarette." I'll write "As he speaks, Bob pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He takes one from the pack, sets the pack on the table, and fishes a lighter from his other pocket. He lights the cigarette and takes a long drag, sighing with satisfaction."

Of course, I wouldn't bother with any of that if smoking the cigarette had no real significance to the story. But there are two reasons why I would give so much detail. First, it enables the reader to see the scene in his mind. Second, it keeps the "1 page = 1 minute" rule intact. Bob lighting a cigarette takes a certain amount of time on-screen, and it needs enough words in the script to account for that time.

And I don't feel that level of detail stifles the creativity of the director when it comes to shooting. The director could decide to have Bob grab a pack of smokes that's already lying on the table -- smokes that don't even belong to him -- and help himself to one. Or he could cut out the smoking bit altogether.

That's just the way I do it. Others do it differently, I'm sure. I only mentioned those things because they hindered my ability to get engaged in the story. Obviously other folks didn't have that problem.

About the 'Alien' screenplay -- where did you read it? I ask because most of what's available for reading online seems to be not scripts, but transcripts. Someone sits down with a video of the movie and transcribes it in script form. This is usually evidenced by the fact that the 'script' exactly matches the general release version of the movie -- nothing seems to have ended up on the cutting room floor. In other words, it's not the original script that sold the producers on the idea of making the movie. I haven't read a true production script for 'Alien' -- that would be interesting.

I actually had a production copy of a script once -- for the movie 'Titanic'. The thing even had a grease stain that was clearly from a donut on it. I was dumb back then and didn't realize the difference between that script and the 'scripts' you can buy or download on the 'net, so I sold it for next to nothing. Hindsight truly IS 20/20.

Anyway, as I said, all of this is just my opinion. Sorry if I inspired any 'venting'. :)

[seansshack]

Brave move in writing this as a visual story. Not an easy task by any means and good practice I bet. It does draw your attention to repeated words and structure though. i.e. he....he....etc. But I don't really concern myself with typos and word usage.

Good story and good luck with it.

Now sure how you managed to get both in the zip file - but i only see canada on the list for votes. So have to read another of yours...