"Entitled" - jamiejay

[jamiejay]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/38528/1218660520.jpg


His attempt to control destiny leads to one of the most twisted fairy tales of all time...

[seansshack]

Want to read this one

[conlanforever]

I always like twisted.

[Judgement]

nice logline !

[jamiejay]

Thank you :)

[nitramlehcar]

Fairy tales are twisted to begin with. I can't wait to see what you do with it. :happy:

[nitramlehcar]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JAMIEJAY!!! :birthdays: :Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)

[preston]

nice cauldron. :)

[david jerome]

That cauldron is twisted.

[nitramlehcar]

So cool. Love it, jaybabe!

[agalla1]

Great job Jamie! I thought the script was well written...I love how you took a classical story and instead of modifying it...you just added a prelude...it was entertaining, creative and really shows your great range.

[nitramlehcar]

oooohh, jamiejay! That deserves to be more than 6 pages. I got a little chill at the end.....seriously....I have chicken skin right now! :Drogar-Shock(DBG):

[Bridget D.]

I loved the part where he squeezes the eyeball juice! Somehow I must have skipped that part when I read your script before.

[jamiejay]

^^SPOILERS^^ from here on, and in the post above. Bridget!!

I actually added a lot since you read it, I think. The whole egg scene is new and I fixed the ending a little. Nothing like eyeball juice :)

[conlanforever]

I liked the graphic visuals and how they coincided with the outcome you used in the making of the Goblin's concoctions. I mean, who doesn't like some eyeball juice?

After the Goblin compliments her necklace, Muriel replies with sudden hatred. Thats fine, but I think you could leave out the "as the flawed potion has the opposite effect" part of it. Let the reader figure it out, you foreshadowed it well enough. It took me out of the story a little bit.

Otherwise, I thought you "spun" a very entertaining tale.

[realogist]

This was a good read, a new twist on a classic fairytale.

Good use of dialogue, felt very natural. It built up a very naive, gulliable trait to Muriel that she can't sense bad vibe from the Goblin. It works under the fairytale premises.

The dinner scene felt a little unrealistic. Edgar gets sick and Muriel's dad just replaces him with Goblin and everything is ok. I can buy Muriel is naive, but not the same for the dad. Like, what kind of dinner was it? Why would you just replace an invited and expected dear friend with your neighbor. It felt like a special dinner. Didn't seem right for both Muriel and Dad to just let Goblin take Edgar's place.

There were some formatting problems. When you say "cut to" it should be a new scene heading. Usually, people don't use "cut to" anymore, it's understood.

Also, you did a good job of communicating that the Goblin's spell was going to backfire on him, so the part whiel Muriel drinks his potion, there doesn't need to be "(with sudden hatred as potion as opposite effect)" It is already obvious what has happend just but the words she says. You've already shown that potion has backfired. Whenever you can show something, you don't need to state it in words.

[jamiejay]

.... I think you could leave out the "as the flawed potion has the opposite effect" part of it. Let the reader figure it out, you foreshadowed it well enough. It took me out of the story a little bit.


Adding the part about the "flawed potion" was the very last thing I did. And I think you are right that it wasn't needed. I guess I was worried it wouldn't be clear enough that it was the result of his "mistake", which I guess I took a bit more to heart than was actually necessary for the fest. This was my first script ever so...

Thanks for the positive comments!

[jamiejay]

realogist-

I really wanted to add more about the goblin somehow getting her father to invite him to dinner, perhaps through magic or deception which is what I was suggesting when he says "and now to get her to taste it" or whatever the line was, but length requirements prevented that. I definitely agree that it would have made it better.

It's funny to me that the VERY last thing I added ("as the flawed potion...") is what stands out as something that should have been left out. I also agree with you on that... (see post above)

Again, seeing as how I have never even attempted to write a script of any kind, I appreciate the positive feedback. :)

[mjjason]

Never read the story of Rumpelstiltskin so I am not sure if you were playing off it in someway or another but it sounds like this is a pre-cursor to that story. I like it overall as it had that old fantasy feeling to it that you get when you read those old stories. You caught that well.

Though I would say that the early school yard scene made me think it was based in modern times so when you described the king and the castle I had to shift gear a little and re-adjust my thinking. I think you need to clarify the time frame sooner as it was unclear, at least for me.

Overall, a good story but kind of lost on me as I didn't grasp the connection to the old tale.

[MiataFilmSomething]

A neat story that provides the chance for some great visuals. I could imagine the cottage and all the ingredients in my mind. Great writing style to be able to do that.

I would have liked to see a little more tension or development in the script. I imagine that with the filming style this could be done.

Hopefully gritty fairy tale movies will make a comeback. Pan's Labyrinth got things kicking off for us all I hope.

Good job!

[Judgement]

A perfect story for a perfect script!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jamiejay]

mjjason-

I'm actually not sure what school was like during fairy tale times. That's a good question. But, as castles and villages and school houses did all exist at the same time at some point in history, the setting of this story would be then :)

I was wondering when someone would get around to asking about the original fairy tale.

I really wanted to go more in the direction of fantasy than sci fi and I was thinking of all the fairy tales that hadn't had too much exposure and I thought of Rumpelstiltskin. It occurred to me that it was an odd fairy tale where characters do things that make very little sense and I wanted to add a backstory that would explain things a little. If you have never read it, here is a link for you to do so if you would like to. It's very short and it would clarify some things :)

http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/rumpelstiltskin/index.html

If you don't feel like reading it, here are a few of the connections to the story:

1. A miller brags to the king that his daughter can spin straw into gold (and the king locks her in a room with gold and a spinning wheel and threatens to kill her if she doesn't do it)
-I thought, why would her father do that?

2. Rumpelstiltskin spins the gold for her three times and she takes the credit (I made it that he was in love with her). The first time, she gives him her necklace as payment (which I added in my script and made that act of giving him back the jewelry almost cruel on her part... since she now hated him and all...also, him accepting a silly necklace when he has the ability to spin gold didn't make sense, but him loving her fixed that in my mind). Second, she gives him her ring (also from my script). Third, she promises him her first born child because the king will kill her if she doesn't spin the straw.

3. The king marries the daughter after the third time she spins the gold. (I referenced this when Muriel says she wants to marry king someday)

4. In the fairy tale, Rumpelstiltskin comes to get her first born and she offers him all the riches in the world, which he refuses because a life is more valuable (which works with my script because he is obviously lonely) but he feels sorry for her and gives her 3 days to guess his name and, if she can, he will let her keep the kid (hence the fact that she never learns his name and the last scene in my script)

5. In the story, it is the king's messenger who overhears Rumpelstiltskin singing in the woods and discovers his name and goes back and tells the queen and saves the day(this is Edgar, though that is pretty subtle and most people who know the story probably wouldn't even figure that out)

6. When she guesses his name, he is so angry he stomps his foot into the ground, grabs his other leg, and tears himself in two (no reference to this in my script, but I wanted you to know this if you didn't go to the above link because it is such a twisted fairy tale ending ;)

[jamiejay]

A perfect story for a perfect script!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow. thank you so much. :dankk2:

[jamiejay]

A neat story that provides the chance for some great visuals. I could imagine the cottage and all the ingredients in my mind. Great writing style to be able to do that.

I would have liked to see a little more tension or development in the script. I imagine that with the filming style this could be done.

Hopefully gritty fairy tale movies will make a comeback. Pan's Labyrinth got things kicking off for us all I hope.

Good job!

Thank you for reading my script and for the review.

I definitely would have loved to add more and developed it even further.

I can't believe I haven't seen Pan's Labyrinth yet! I've heard so much about it and I'm dying to see it. In fact, I will definitely go get it this weekend. :dankk2:

[nitramlehcar]

Hey, Jamiejay! You're the only one with stars on your thread! How cool are you?! :cool:

[Captain Pierce]

I was already intending to be complimentary in my post, but reading your synopsis of the "Rumplestiltskin" fairy tale gave me an ever greater appreciation for what you've done here. Your script dovetails with that just as nicely as the ingredients of his potion match his history with Muriel.

I had no problem with Muriel's father inviting the Goblin to dinner instead of Edgar because, well... the Goblin can do frickin' magic! :D

A fun read, and nicely done.

[david jerome]

Jamie
This is very good. And a very smart idea based on an old classic. I love how you ended with his name and revealed this classic little schemer in the last word of your script. This could totally be expanded and made into a twisted little movie starring Clint Howard. I went back and read the fairy tale. It is amazing how a story becomes such a classic and doesn't explain important motivation and reasoning. I guess readers have become much less forgiving. I know it bothered me that it didn't explain the things you mentioned above. So I am going to apply your explainations to the classic story and accept it at that. Him ripping himself in two does make up for alot. I hope you will continue writing and maybe develop this into a feature screenplay.

[nitramlehcar]

Clint Howard would be perfect for that!

[jamiejay]

Captain-
Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked it. It's good to know that readers have picked up on the fact that the ingredients for the potion related to each flashback. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's obvious and what isn't. Thanks again :)

[jamiejay]

I'm glad I could clear a few things up for you...haha... And I could definitely see Clint Howard in the role. Thank you David :)

[jamiejay]

Hey, Jamiejay! You're the only one with stars on your thread! How cool are you?! :cool:

:beer::2vrolijk_08:

[nitramlehcar]

You used to be cool. We all have stars now. :costumed-smiley-047

So when are the results in? I'm thinking you're going to be up there, chilly bean.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Nice job, cool story and well written. I enjoyed reading it, and after I had to go back and make sure it was only 6 pages , it was such a complete story it shouldn't have been able to fit within that amount of pages but it did. I hope my comment makes sense . Great job again.
Pauly

[jamiejay]

Nice job, cool story and well written. I enjoyed reading it, and after I had to go back and make sure it was only 6 pages , it was such a complete story it shouldn't have been able to fit within that amount of pages but it did. I hope my comment makes sense . Great job again.
Pauly

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

I have never written a script; I'm used to writing short stories where I can be more descriptive and wordy, so I did find the constraints a challenge. But I remembered my creative writing professor once telling me that a great poet is able to get the reader to feel a specific feeling, to see what the poet wants them to see, using as few words as possible... so they have to be just the right words. I approached the script using that philosophy and I had to be very choosy in my editing. It wasn't easy, but, aside from a few more places where I would have liked to elaborate, I think it made it a better script in the end. Glad you enjoyed it!

:dankk2:

[alex whitmer]

Enjoyed this one. Huge fan of fairytales and think you did this one justice. Old, ooooooooold memories.

Only two issues ...

In them olden days, people pretty much lived in the same houses for generations. If Muriel was the Goblin's neighbor, how would she not know his name? I think that needs to be addressed.

Also, no big surprises. Pretty much straight forward. I think you handled the 'mistake' requirement perfectly, but I guess I was hoping for some redemption, and he would somehow switch identities with the messanger. Some of the best discoveries are through mistakes.

I think the goblin was much more likeable than the messanger. I was rootin' for him.

Nice job on packing a full story into 6 pages.

Alex

[jamiejay]

Enjoyed this one. Huge fan of fairytales and think you did this one justice.
Thank you :)


Only two issues ...
I've been waiting for you to get to me and, I have to say, I had no idea what to expect so... wow.


In them olden days, people pretty much lived in the same houses for generations. If Muriel was the Goblin's neighbor, how would she not know his name? I think that needs to be addressed.
My thinking was that he was a recluse and that people basically overlooked him as a freak and avoided him normally. In fact, Muriel was the only one who ever treated him with any respect at all, which is why he falls in love with her.

She asks him his name as a child and he seems to purposely avoid answering. If I expanded the script, it might even be interesting to explore the importance of knowing his name more in depth... like maybe a goblin's name has some magical significance.

You've got me thinking of another part of the fairytale that could be addressed here. Why would he rip himself in two? Maybe discovering a goblin's name is a way to ward him off... and he is forced to destroy himself... It would be an interesting twist.


Also, no big surprises. Pretty much straight forward. I think you handled the 'mistake' requirement perfectly, but I guess I was hoping for some redemption, and he would somehow switch identities with the messanger. Some of the best discoveries are through mistakes.

I think the goblin was much more likeable than the messanger. I was rootin' for him.

Unfortunately, since it was a prequel to a story that already existed, redemption was never really a viable option for me, but I did like the goblin. Even in Rumpelstiltskin, despite the fact that he wanted to take her child, I thought he was given the raw end of the deal because he saved her life and she took credit for the gold and he got nothing in return.

But I did try to make him evil enough that it's hard to feel too sorry for him... I mean, he killed her cat, he crippled a kid, he made Edgar sick, etc.

If you knew he was Rumpelstiltskin already, I guess there was no surprise. For me, the big reveal was the identity of the goblin. I suppose, if you took the fairy tale out of the equation, this would be pretty straightforward and twist-less ;)

If it wasn't a prequel, I definitely would have tried to find a way to switch it up, and then it would have been a good idea to have him take over Edgar's body and lock Edgar in his own so he could take Edgar's place at dinner... and the twist could be that she kisses him while he is in Edgar's body after she swallows the potion and the goblin accidentally gets some of his own medicine and he ends up hating her as well... and he kills her by ripping her heart out and eating it. But that wouldn't work for Rumpelstiltskin so I will have to save it for his brother ;)



Thank you for reading and I appreciate the kind words! I'm glad you liked it! :beer:

[alex whitmer]

If I expanded the script, it might even be interesting to explore the importance of knowing his name more in depth... like maybe a goblin's name has some magical significance.

You've got me thinking of another part of the fairytale that could be addressed here. Why would he rip himself in two? Maybe discovering a goblin's name is a way to ward him off... and he is forced to destroy himself... It would be an interesting twist.:beer:

Yes it would. Like the idea a lot.

I don't think every film needs to have a twist, or even a surprise. They often feel forced, jammed in at the end because of the perception they need to be there. I'm a firm believer in the 'tao of scripts', and if a twist doesn't want to be there, then leave it out.

Yours however, has room for one IMHO. You have a few good suggestion here (I only quoted one because I cannot, cannot, cannot figure out how to do those multiple quote boxes. I'm about ready to try something really blonde), especially your take on him switching identities with the Messenger. The Goblin has always seen her through his own eyes, but once he has another perspective, he sees a very different Mariel. Yeah, that could work, and now he has to figure out how to undo what he has done.

I don't know, something.

Not sure if you know who James Branch Cabel is, but if you ever get the chance read Domania - a comedy of romance. SPOILER ... Its basically about an entire life pursuing true love, but once he finally gets it, he loses interest. It was the pursuit that drove him, not the love itself.

You could possibly weave in something like that - mixed with the need to protect his name. Maybe turn the table, and she ends up loving him.

Or not.

Let it breathe.

I'd love to read the whole thing someday!

Alex

p.s.

There was a group of writers from the turn of the previous century and on up to the 30s that really started modern fantacy, which drew heavily from the old fairy tales and brothers Grimm. Some were much more 'grown up' however, and used a much more eloquent English then we see today. Very fun reads if you are a reader. You may need a thesaurus.

James Branch Cabel ( Jurgen is his most famous, but I'm partial to A Rivet in Grandfather's Neck )
William Morris ( I suggest Lilith or Phantasties )
George MacDonald ( At the back of the North Wind - Childrens )
Lewis Carrol was also part of this group.

Tolkien was certainly indebted to these guys.

[thartley]

Loved this one! I have nothing at all to say against it. Great story and I was hooked all the way to the end. Excellent. :thumbup::beer:

[jamiejay]

Alex-

Thank you for the suggestions. I will be sure to read up on those authors because I'm a huge fan of Lewis Carrol and Tolkien. I'm most definitely a reader, and, if I could have my way, I would write for a living as well. I would love to try to write a book of new fairy tales, rather than just twisting old ones. And adult fairy tales are some of the best; I loved Wicked (the book; I've never seen the musical).

I do wish I had thought of having the goblin take Edgar's body for the dinner as you suggested, but he did have to still love her to make it work for the Rumpelstiltskin angle, so I don't know how it would have worked there. I would have figured something out though. It honestly never occurred to me. Grrr. :)

I will let you know if I rework it. Thanks again.

Jamie

[jamiejay]

thartley-

Thank you for reading and I love that you loved it! :)

[nitramlehcar]

My thinking was that he was a recluse and that people basically overlooked him as a freak and avoided him normally. In fact, Muriel was the only one who ever treated him with any respect at all, which is why he falls in love with her.

She asks him his name as a child and he seems to purposely avoid answering. If I expanded the script, it might even be interesting to explore the importance of knowing his name more in depth... like maybe a goblin's name has some magical significance.

:beer:

It's said that knowing a demon's name gives one power to control it...or in other cases, speaking it's name gives the demon more power itself. Depends on the demon, I guess. ;)

[jamiejay]

See... that would have been the perfect explanation of why knowing his name was so important. If ever do revise my script, I will definitely include this whole aspect. :)

[Noel Evans]

Jamie, really liked your take on this age old story. I didnt feel there was any great impacting moment, but the story didnt really need more than what it was IMO. And we all know at the end the goblin isnt done, which I very much liked.

[jamiejay]

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :)

It really is good to have a place where we can put our writing out there and get honest feedback about how it comes across to readers, which is not always an easy thing to see as a writer.

[alex whitmer]

This is a light-hearted fest with opportunities to grow as writers. Misunderstanding are a natural part of life, so don't let it fester into something bigger. Can the poop, please. It serves zero purpose ...

Now this ...

I did not comment on the font because I have had the same conversion problems. Seems adobe gets a bug up it's arse from time to time and you're stuck with what you get. But yeah, some fests would reject it based soley on font (they keep your money, though).

I think your style can be developed into a unique 'writer's voice'. I see you said 'if I ever try script writing again ...' Well, hopefully you will, and find that writers voice that is all yours. I thought yours stood out in style. Just needs some format tweaking.

alex

[jamiejay]

Thanks alex. Not sure I will ever try writing a script again for a fest, or even writing a script... but I will always keep writing. :)

I looked up those authors, by the way. Thanks for recommending them.

(I was just going to say, "thanks for turning me on to them", but I'm sure someone would have said, "don't say turning me on"... ;)

[STYLZ]

Nice. Really captured the feel of fantasy/fairytale. Nothing else to say really except for good job.

[jamiejay]

Thanks Stylz. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

[jasonthewho]

Great story! I had forgotten much of the original fairy tale, but after reading your description I'm impressed how well your prequel ties in.

My one complaint is that you wrote camera movements. These should only be in a shooting script, or if you are planning on directing. Taking them out would also tighten things up.

Here's an example:

Close up of a boiling, oily gray liquid in a cauldron. Pull out and we see a GOBLIN holding a small, bloody blob of fleshy
matter.

You could write:
An oily gray liquid boils in a cauldron. A GOBLIN holds a small bloody blob of fleshy matter above the cauldron.

One other thing. What's the title mean? I'm not sure what it has to do with the story.

I'm amazed this is your first screenplay. Great work, and you really should consider writing more of them.

[MrKilloran]

Nice job expanding on a classic fairy-tale, you made it flow well with the original.

[jamiejay]

Jason-

Thanks for reading! I completely agree with the shot directions. I really should have read a few more scripts and paid attention to verb tense, how scenes are described, etc. before trying to take on my own.

The title is mostly related to the fairy tale. It was supposed to refer to how the goblin feels entitled to her love for all he has done for her, and later to how he feels entitled to the child she promised him for spinning the gold. It was also a play on words because entitled can mean named, and she has to figure out his name. It probably was more subtle than I thought.

I will most likely expand the script to make the part about her not knowing his name more relevant. I was thinking knowing a goblin's name should give you power over it in some way. Then the title should make more sense. :)

Thanks again.

[jamiejay]

MrKilloran- Thank you :)

[alex whitmer]

Review, page 1

Opens with scene numbers. Ixnay those.

The very first words of the action is a camera direction. You can ‘inspire’ this shot by drawing detailed attention to it, like this …

An oily, gray liquid bubbles and festers.

As there is nothing to reference, such as a cauldron, the camera will be by default on the liquid.

Then, instead of the second camera direction – pull out – maybe have something splash into the liquid, and now the audience knows someone or something is there.

From that hint, you can now intro your goblin.

I remember you said something about this cat was Muriel’s. How do we know that?

This …

CHILDREN are laughing and playing in the yard

ING verbs. Also, you already mentioned we are in a yard, so need to repeat it.

It isn’t really necessary to cap ‘children’ since they don’t seem to really affect the scene other than the background. ‘Girls’ is acceptable since they will have ‘camera time’.

This …

A young GOBLIN

Is this the same Goblin? Are we doing a back-in-time thing here?

It isn’t 100% clear, but I assume Muriel is among the three girls, and I assume that’s the ‘golden-haired’ one.

If so, say something like ‘Three girls huddle together and whisper. One of them is MURIEL, (age) golden hair. She walks over to Goblin …

This …

MURIEL
(with a look back at friends)
What are you holding?

That parenthetical action is a no no. They are called ‘wrylies’ in the biz, and should be used a little as possible, especially for actual action.

Okay, now I see it was a flashback. You need some kind of indicator, like FLASHBACK, and END FLASHBACK to make it clear to the reader when it starts and stops. ‘cut back to’ buried in the action block is easily missed.

This …

blue masked lovebird

Should be blue-masked loverbird.

This …

He reaches into a bird cage where a blue masked lovebird
is guarding her eggs. He takes out two …

Here we have all pronouns. Add Goblin’s name somewhere.

This …

4. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- DAY

You have not introduced the Miller’s Cottage yet, so this is a hard thing to reference in my mind.

Also, your margin goes off kilter here.

This …

A GROUP OF CHILDREN of varying ages are laughing and walking
down the road. One of the girls is carrying a basket of eggs and some
of the children have eggs in their hands. They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel. An older BOY, the leader, steps
forward and calls out.

A few issues …

First, no need for the cap into of the group. Kill the ing verbs.

You have Miller’s place, and small hovel. What is their relation or proximity to each other? I assume they are close enough to the road for the children to throw eggs.

The BOY who is ‘the leader’. Don’t really need that distinction here, it doesn’t really do anything. Basically he’s just the one most eager to show off.

Don’t do this …

(The children laugh)

to be continued

[jamiejay]

First, thanks for taking the time to do this. I appreciate it. :)



I remember you said something about this cat was Muriel’s. How do we know that?


Here, just like with the flawed potion, I wanted it to be subtle. In the flashback that follows the goblin gives her the cat. I wanted to include her not being able to find her cat later on, but that will have to wait until the rewrite when I have more space.



This …

MURIEL
(with a look back at friends)
What are you holding?

That parenthetical action is a no no. They are called ‘wrylies’ in the biz, and should be used a little as possible, especially for actual action.


Did not know that (obviously). How would you include subtle body movements that accompany dialogue and impact meaning? Should it be an entire separate action? That feels disjointed.



This …

blue masked lovebird

Should be blue-masked loverbird.


As an adjective, I would certainly agree, but it is actually the name of a variety of lovebird. I was trying to be more visually specific, but I think "blue lovebird" would probably have sufficed.



4. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- DAY

You have not introduced the Miller’s Cottage yet, so this is a hard thing to reference in my mind.

Also, your margin goes off kilter here.


Would "A Miller's Cottage" work to make it less specific and more introductory?



...your margin goes off kilter here.


stupid pdf converter...



This …

A GROUP OF CHILDREN of varying ages are laughing and walking
down the road. One of the girls is carrying a basket of eggs and some
of the children have eggs in their hands. They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel. An older BOY, the leader, steps
forward and calls out.

A few issues …

First, no need for the cap into of the group. Kill the ing verbs.

You have Miller’s place, and small hovel. What is their relation or proximity to each other? I assume they are close enough to the road for the children to throw eggs.

The BOY who is ‘the leader’. Don’t really need that distinction here, it doesn’t really do anything. Basically he’s just the one most eager to show off.


Ok. I get why background groups wouldn't need capitalized. Thought it was just any character in a scene at all, but now it makes sense.

I definitely could have been more clear about the proximity. Maybe something like-

They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel that is just across the road.


As for the leader, I wanted some distinction for him since he is the only boy who does any speaking. I didn't want the speaking BOY to seem like any random kid from the group. It's important to me that he stands out seeing as it was his hens, he pushed Muriel, and he ends up crippled.

[alex whitmer]

Did not know that (obviously). How would you include subtle body movements that accompany dialogue and impact meaning? Should it be an entire separate action? That feels disjointed.


It should be a separate action. Parenthetical action can get missed.

MURIEL
(with a look back at friends)
What are you holding?

She glances back at her friends.

MURIEL
What are you holding?

It costs you a line, but the action won't get lost.



As an adjective, I would certainly agree, but it is actually the name of a variety of lovebird. I was trying to be more visually specific, but I think "blue lovebird" would probably have sufficed.

Birds and animals with a double names always gets hyphenated, as it technically is an adjective, like the duck-billed platypus, or a ring-necked dove.



Would "A Miller's Cottage" work to make it less specific and more introductory?

No, what I mean is we have never seen this place, and have no idea who Miller is. Miller is both an occupation and a name.

I think you could even have the Goblin peek out the window as he is making his 'soup', and we see the cottage, and maybe even he says something in his chant. Anything so when the egg-tossing kids come along, we have a frame of referance.




stupid pdf converter...


I fee your pain.




Ok. I get why background groups wouldn't need capitalized. Thought it was just any character in a scene at all, but now it makes sense.


It's often reserved only for characters with speaking parts, but I like to use it for non-speaking characters as well if there is some action or camera time that somehow effects the story.



I definitely could have been more clear about the proximity. Maybe something like-

They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel that is just across the road.


So, the Goblin's hovel and the Miller's place are across the road from each other?



As for the leader, I wanted some distinction for him since he is the only boy who does any speaking. I didn't want the speaking BOY to seem like any random kid from the group. It's important to me that he stands out seeing as it was his hens, he pushed Muriel, and he ends up crippled.


Unless he has a sign that says leader, we don't really know what his role is. I'm sure just by his action we get he is the leader - or, he could be the one carrying the eggs, and when they get to the hovel, he passes them out. Then he says somthing, and it is clear in our mind he is the leader.
alex

[jamiejay]

it's pretty freaky that you suggest having the goblin look out the window.... in my original script, i started with the goblin looking up the potion in the book, hearing laughter outside, looking out the window to see muriel and edgar, and then saying an incantation. seriously. i am at work or i would have copy-pasted the scene.

as for the lovebird, i understand how hyphens work, but no official site for lovebirds that i found when i did the research had it written with a hyphen. in doing a little more research, i believe i know why. it is actually just the blue variety of a black-masked lovebird, which is simply refered to as a blue masked lovebird. "blue-masked" would imply that the mask was blue, but it's black.

still feel the separate action loses some of the intended meaning. i know it may be a small thing, but i really wanted her to be glancing back at friends as she is speaking... and i think "she glances back at her friends as she speaks" would be awkward... but i will be sure to be more careful about that in the future. i know for a fact i used parenthetical action later on that definitely was just wrong.

the hovel and the miller's cottage... it's kind of like on little house on the prairie; across the road is still pretty damn far away. just trying to find a way to explain it as simply as possible. i think it was pretty clear already, as the children pass the cottage and stop outside of the hovel, but i was trying to be as clear as i could be to avoid any confusion.

i think saying "the leader" helps people to fully understand this character in as few words as possible... however, i think you are right that i have described his actions in a way that it would most likely be obvious to all.

i really appreciate the line-by-line because i am new to script writing and i can tell you have it down. i'm a fast learner and i can see my other formatting errors like the ones already mentioned, so, to save you time, if you just want to let me know of any new formatting mistakes, that would be fine.

i agree with you that writing scripts is taking the best of both short stories and poetry. do you ever let people read your poetry?

thanks again...

jj

[alex whitmer]

Page 2

This ...

She hurls an egg at the cottage ...

Should be hovel.

This ...


MURIEL comes running out of her
cottage

This makes me think these two places are like right next to each other.

This ...

INT. GOBLIN'S HOVEL- NIGHT

and ...

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- EVENING

Did a whole day pass between these events? We went from night to evening. And a 'more mature' Muriel is introduced. Are we talking years here?

Another pet peeve is this ...

begins dancing

The whole 'begins' thing is kinda strange to me. Just say she takes his arm and dances in the road.

I get that Muriel is a little coniving - plans to marry the King so she can livin in a castle? Her motives are not really clear.

[jamiejay]

cottage definitely should have been hovel. oops.

the two homes are within sight of each other. short of saying something like "50 yards away", not sure how specific i would need to be.

the goblin is making his potion in his hovel at night... everything else (until the dinner scene) is a flashback. should have used flashback/end flashback...

more mature... could be more specific for sure... teenage.

begins is awkward. still trying to add directions and make it sound "scriptish". ick.

she's not coniving at all. very trusting, a bit naive, and somewhat self-centered. her hopes to marry the king are equivalent to a girl wanting to marry orlando bloom. she's polite to the goblin. only turns on him after she drinks the potion.

[alex whitmer]

Page 3

This ...

(Stops dancing, sighing)

Mix the verb tenses, (stops dancing, sighs)

One action follows the other. This reads like she was sighing while dancing, and stops both. Besides, it's harder to say two ING verbs together.

This ...


Edgar leaves and Muriel walks around the house and is confused to find the MULE already eating. She shrugs her shoulders and heads inside to to find dinner already laid out on the table. Her mouth hangs open.

One long, run.on sentance. Break that up with periods or commas.

Also, Muriel heads inside, but there is no change of slug.

Seems odd nobody else would notice the table has been set. The Miller didn't see anything? Where is Mrs. Miller?

This ...

Cut back to GOBLIN reading his book of spells.

Not sure if this is just a scene cut, or we are moving ahead or back in history. Either way, don't use it without some frame of reference.

This ...

EXT. WOODS - NOON

These kinds of time-specific slugs are uneeded UNLESS it plays some vital role in the way things unfold. DAY or NIGHT let a production company cost out a film easily. You can hint at the time in other ways, like 'The morning sun illuminas the house', but the slug reads only DAY.

This ...

Muriel and Edgar are walking together.

Guess I don't need to mention the ING.

This ...


MURIEL
I feel almost charmed, Edgar. Why,
it seems I simply have to wish for
something to make it happen. Just
yesterday I was thinking how dreary it
was outside and I wished for the
sun to shine and the rain to stop,
and, you know... it did.

I don't remember it raining when we were with them yesterday.

Or did we move a few years, and not just one day?

Okay, here's my answer ...


But how do you explain my not
having to lift a finger in months?

Hmm. Feels kind of far away. Maybe better clues where we are in the history of this. The Goblin has obviously been at this for years.

This ...

He holds up a red rose cameo broach and she grabs it.

should be Muriel grabs it to avoid the pronoun confusion.

This explains why mom isn't around.


Why, yes! It was my mother's.
Where ever did you find it?

This ...

Cut to Edgar and Muriel coming out of woods ...

Really try to avoid this cut to stuff.

[jamiejay]

as for the verb tenses and the run-on sentence, it's a good thing writers have editors. i seriously hate going through the revision and editing process and i tend to avoid it at all costs. i really respect writers like f. scott fitzgerald who take years to write a book, revising over and over until it is absolutely perfect, with every word and comma and hyphen just where they want it to be. and they don't do it to be grammatically correct, but so that it looks perfectly on the page and it has the exact intended meaning and the rhythm of the words are just so. i aspire to have that type of pain-staking attention to detail.... right now, while i have always over-analyzed every little thing (your comments and my comments included), the one thing i hate to over-analyze at length is my own work. it can suck the fun out of it.

not sure if you read my last two responses. i answered the time issue. "flashback" instead of "cut back to" would clear that up i think. no, the goblin hasn't been making the potion for years. now i wonder if anyone else was confused about the flashbacks. no one seemed to be confused, but maybe they just didn't say anything. ..

some of the comments you have seem to suggest i have to reveal an explanation for everything right up front, yet i have never read a story (or script, though i have admittedly read very few) that explains everything before it is revealed in the context of the plot. that would be very boring. sometimes things are obvious or, at least, easily imagined by the reader. i think it would be unnecessary and a little obnoxious to explain why no one noticed the set table (for your benefit, i will tell you that the set table did not appear until muriel was about to go set it). other times, it is okay if the reader doesn't exactly know everything right away (i.e. her mother being dead or the fact that it is months later as they walk through the woods). if these types of explanations are supposed to be in a script, it would ruin script-writing and script-reading for me, so i really hope that's not what you are saying....

i have kind of the same issue with the pronouns, though i do realize how important it would be in script-writing to be clear about who is doing what. but i've always hated the overuse of names in a story. it becomes like dick and jane. i find a lot of writers do this, especially in kids' books (which i read way too many of as a teacher). in this instance, i don't think it would be overusing her name, so changing "she" to "muriel" is fine, but muriel is the only "she" there. is it a requirement of scripts for use of names in every sentence? just want to be perfectly clear for the future.

slugs from ext. to int. and no more "cut to"- check. those types of formatting critiques are very helpful. i appreciate it.
:dankk2:

jj

[alex whitmer]

but so that it looks perfectly on the page and it has the exact intended meaning and the rhythm of the words are just so.

grammar is often misunderstood to be about strict structure when really it's not. Rhythm is its greatest asset.


not sure if you read my last two responses. i answered the time issue. "flashback" instead of "cut back to" would clear that up i think. no, the goblin hasn't been making the potion for years.

Yes I did read the comments, but just wanted to show where it can kinda manifest itself later on. I don't mean to harp on it, really. Not my style. I guess what threw me was the cat. it went from being a kitten to a cat, and my head automatically added a few years to the story. Plus the age difference in Muriel. Anyways, I'll leave it alone from here!!!!

More asap


a

[jamiejay]

no, it's perfectly fine... just wasn't sure if you had caught what i had said and if it made sense at all.

i agree about grammar and rhythm. i'm all about the rhythm. it's why i love poetry so much. :)

[jamiejay]

the goblin is making the potion in the present. every scene we see as he adds an ingredient is a flashback. the first flashback is when the cat is a kitten. muriel ages in each flashback and the last flashback at the market place with edgar is the night before the dinner. the goblin makes the potion that same night and takes edgar's place at dinner the next day to spike the stew. flashback, end flashback would have made all of that more clear.

[alex whitmer]

Page 4

This would need a new slug ...

Cut to Muriel finding the jewelry on her pillow later that
night. She puts it on and admires herself in the mirror.

Other than one missing slug, a few 'cut to' and some INGs, page four was a very nice read.

Alex