View Full Version : The Building
08-10-2008, 01:01 PM
Inside a Governmental Building a secret organization controls the world.
08-12-2008, 11:23 PM
Welcome to the fest. I'll certainly give this one a read!
Michael Anthony Horrigan
08-15-2008, 06:55 PM
Interesting. I think the foil caps was a little too 'Signs' for me, that's all I could picture.
Very interesting story though. Definitely went in a direction that I wasn't expecting.
08-15-2008, 07:17 PM
Interesting read and take on a real event. The script reminded me a lot of Arlington Road kinda.
I think I'd like to see a little bit more above the regular government conspiracy story. The Oklahoma story was a different touch. I'd like to see the mind control device in action.
You made really a good time and pacing for only a few pages. That's very hard to do!
08-16-2008, 03:15 AM
You managed to fit a lot of story in here. Good job.
Nice tension and pace throughout - one or two places where it was spelt out in dialogue and also some longwinded dialogue - but didn't distract too much.
In all, a good story that was told well.
Good job and good luck with it.
08-16-2008, 07:12 AM
Thanks alot for the read!
The biggest problem I had was trying to jam everything closer together just to 6 pages without losing the feel of the story.
08-16-2008, 11:55 PM
"The beacons sizzle on the blazing stove." -> "The bacon sizzles..."
Sara never says whether she needs one or two. The obsessive-compulsive in me needs to know how many she received.
"...they all has quit..." -> "...they have all quit..."
"door bell" -> "doorbell"
"TERRY and TIMOTHY has a strange silver cap on top of their head. " -> "TERRY and TIMOTHY have a strange silver caps on top of their heads."
And that was just page one. There were numerous others that needed fixing. All in in all, the story was good but you needed to spend more time on getting your dialogue feel natural and also to cut out all the typos.
08-17-2008, 01:52 PM
I've been pretty much ignoring the the comments in my thread about spelling and grammar mistakes people noticed in my script, but I can see how it could frustrate some people now. I'm guessing you aren't a native english speaker. Next time just ask someone to go over the script for you, like I should of done.
The story built up pretty good, I was looking forward to what would happen next at the federal building. The concept of controlling peoples minds through satellites is pretty cool too. I'm not to sure about the ending though. Seemed to quick. Other than that good job.
08-17-2008, 11:31 PM
Thou the story get´s a bit loose and less defined in the last quarter, the ending knocked me of my socks.
I wish I had the time and chance to make a short out of it. Would be a cool theme for the twilight fest, but allready got to make my own film.
The Building is my absolute favourite and my only 10Star so far - grat job.
08-18-2008, 05:14 PM
Good concept. I like the idea of the government using a device to control people's minds.
You made all the 'crazy' people in the world with foil hats on look sane ;)
I would have like to have known more about Michael, Williams and Sara's relationship, but I can see how the page limit would keep you from that.
You did a good job of building suspense throughout the script. I never saw the ending coming. Well done!
08-18-2008, 09:44 PM
thank again for the read and your comments!
thanks to Postmaster for the 10 stars and to conlanforever and Stylz!
Thanks to ghalied for pointing out some typos!
I do hope that persons continues to comment
08-19-2008, 12:13 AM
I never saw the ending coming. Well done!
That´s what realy thrills me.
It´s right in front of you all the time, but you don´t see it comming untill it hits you like a train.
08-19-2008, 11:54 AM
Very interesting read.
08-20-2008, 07:33 PM
I will echo that I never saw the ending coming and it was great. I dont get the Sara factor, though. Seems a bit unnecessary almost. But this was a great idea that had a very well played ending. The foil hats thing was a hint that something was not quite as it seemed. :)
Just work on getting the actual language fleshed out or corrected. I could read around it with no trouble, though.
Another one I'd like to see get shot. :beer:
08-21-2008, 05:19 PM
Great way to show a twist to a real life event...how many times do we contribute such disaster's to whatever the newsman reports...so I "government conspiracy" spin. For me, once the story read 'Oklahoma City' and the guys name was Timothy and they needed to get into the building things started to reveal themselves but I liked how it all came together in the end!
08-21-2008, 07:29 PM
I will refrain on commenting on the grammar/spelling/etc. because I'd have to second Stylz in assuming that you're not a native English speaker.
As for the story, I was with you right up until the point where you revealed that this was the Oklahoma City bombing. I dunno, maybe it's still "too soon" 15 years later, but it just seems in poor taste.
08-21-2008, 09:24 PM
A weird twist on a real event, but I liked it. Would have liked more on the actual device though.
08-22-2008, 03:26 AM
The feature script will highlight the device in detail.
08-22-2008, 08:48 PM
passive voice opening line. Avoid “is” when you can. A more direct initial line could be “MICHAEL (45) prepares breakfast for his niece SARA (age) who watches wide-eyed as the bacon sizzles and pops in the skillet.”
“Lily will soon be here”
I’ve never met anyone that talks like that. The syntax is robotic.
Some of the dialog seems to have been tabbed like a haiku or something. Don’t do that.
“Two men stands on the porch. TERRY
and TIMOTHY has a strange silver cap on top of their head.”
“John drives his vehicle towards his work while the men
remain quiet in the backseat.”
Who the hell is john? And why is he driving in the living room? if this a new character we need an introduction and if this is a new scene we need a new slugline.
Well, that needed a lot of help with typos but the ending was so good I almost forget about them. The execution wasn’t there but this is, for me at least, the best and most original concept of the contest.
08-23-2008, 07:30 AM
LOL---i am trying to figure out why I use John there too!! oh yeah- when i first drafted this... Michael name was John.(my bad)
Thanks Ian - I will use some of your great suggestions!
08-25-2008, 11:32 AM
well- the winning list is out folks!
and unfortunately my script is not in there!
However- anyone seeking this script for production can give me a shout!
Or I can modify the short script into a feature. (The Government attempts to Kill Michael with the usage of their mind control weapon)
08-29-2008, 04:35 PM
MICHAEL a middle age man is preparing breakfast for his niece SARA. The beacons sizzle on the blazing stove.
Need a comma after MICHAEL. Also, should be middle-aged.
We don’t know Sarah is a niece just by looking at her.
Spelled Bacon wrong. Also, bacon is an uncountable noun, so don’t use plural (‘strips’ of bacon is countable). And, you have not established it exists before this point, so don’t use ‘the’.
‘Bacon sizzles on the stove’ will work fine.
HOT! HOT! One or two?
No need for caps. We get it. But maybe say Michael reaches into the pan to grab the bacon. His dialogue is disconnected.
If you really gotta use cont’d, do it in caps next to the character heading. I don’t see a need for it, but if the urge is there …
Well- you didn’t like the others
also. How many baby sitters has it been- Huh?
Should be ‘didn’t like the others either’, not also.
Ten. And they all has quit in the period of two months.
Should be ‘And they all have quit …’ Has is for singular.
Michael opens the door. Two men stands on the porch. TERRY and TIMOTHY has a strange silver cap on top of their head.
Here again on the has/have. Doesn’t matter if it’s the verb or the auxiliary form, ‘has’ is singular, have is plural (used for ‘you’ as well since it can be either, and for I, the exception). In other words, use has for he, she, or it. Only!
This should read something like ‘TERRY and TIMOTHY both have a strange …’
09-11-2008, 11:20 AM
Inside a Governmental Building a secret organization controls the world.
And people would think this is fiction! It obviously is not fiction!