The Comet - by Mark Harris

[Mark Harris]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/2939/1218347180.jpg

[ConspiracyPenguin]

I like the poster, Mark. Glad to see you jumping in so late in the game. Did you just do this last minute, or did you do it earlier and only announce it now?

Best of luck!

[Mark Harris]

I never write a script last minute. I've been noodling on this for a while and getting some feedback from various private parties on improving it.

[conlanforever]

I like how damn pleased the comet looks with himself.

[Mark Harris]

Why isn't my new sig showing up?

Nevermind, now it is. Weird, it's not in my old posts...

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

LOL! Great poster, Mark.
:thumbup:

[Judgement]

IS THIS A COMEDY?
BC U ALREADY HAVE Me laughing!

[pauly_the_hitman]

Nice...
Pauly

[alex whitmer]

Hey Mark, enjoyed this.




SPOILERS BELOW








TECHIE STUFF


This ...

JASON, a nerdy guy of about 40, sits in the driver’s seat
with a Star Trek, TNG lunchbox. As they talk, he is taking
out a sandwich, splitting it in half, and giving one half to
GODFREY. GODFREY,

You have ‘they talk’ before you intro the second character.

Not sure why you have scene indicators, which I have only seen on shooting scripts.

Page 2

This ...

Sitings

I think you mean sightings.

This ...

JASON speaks OS
Get thos periods in there. I read this like Jason was speaking an alien language, Os. Hey, could be.

Page 3

This ...

GODFREY
You mother-poo pooer! You
mother-poo pooer! Holy Christ, you had
me going. You mother-poo pooer.

JASON
Stop laughing.

No indication Godfrey was laughing. I thought he was freaking out.

Bottom of 3

This

JASON
I know.

Great!! After that big rant, this is a classic!

Page 4

Don’t do this ...

We can see JASON in the car in the background, struggling ...

That we stuff yanks the reader out of the story and puts them to work.

This ...

G0DFREY is now helping JASON into some kind of weird plastic
nightgown-looking thing.

I’d pay to see that!

Page 5

This ...

Now GODFREY awakens slightly He looks

Missing punctuation.

Page 6

This is odd ...

Something across the horizon catches his eye. Godfrey looks
up at it. It streaks down, a meteor, and hits ground some
distance away.

If it’s on the horizon, he doesn’t need to look up. It just adds clutter. If the meteor hits the ground, it is by default moving down.

Maybe try ...

Something across the horizon catches Godfrey’s eye - a meteor. It hits ground some distance away.

This also saves you a line, so essential in a 6 page script.

This ...

the growl gorws

Typo.



STORY


A lot to like here. Great buddy story, one with a history of odd behaviour trying to save his friend.

Well written, light-hearted, enjoyable read.


Some pretty funny stuff with 40-something guys sitting around smoking pot, high-fivin’, ogling Breugel, and discussing historical minutia. Is this what happens to flunky professors?

Alex

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

This was really good. No surprise, Mark.
Could make for a really great short or a cool opening for something bigger.
You definitely left me wanting more so that's a good thing. :thumbup:

Great read!

Mike

[jasonthewho]

Loved it!

One comment: When the phone is no longer in service near the end of the script, I wanted Godfrey to throw the phone to the ground in frustration, and kick the fender over and over, finally collapsing against the car.

THEN, the meteor catches his eye.

I think something like that could really provide an emotional climax to the film.

Always love your work, and this is no exception.

[Mark Harris]

Thanks for checking it out, guys, and esp thanks for the critiques. Alex, thanks for taking so much time to be so specific.

I just got slammed with work stuff, but am hoping to get back to reading them all this weekend.

[krestofre]

Mark, I think your banner does this script a disservice. From that promotion I was expecting a schlocky 1930's invasion comedy like story. That's just the feeling I get from that image. After the first read of your script I was like "Hm ... there's kind of a serious thread to this."

But critiquing the script as a stand alone piece, banner aside, the concept is great. I think the only thing you should consider is the Star Trek lunchbox. That has a lot of mental baggage to it in terms of what kind of character we think Jason is going to be. Sure, he's a kook in some respects, and he's spouting off all of this ancient alien lore, but never once did he compare his current situation to a Star Trek TNG episode. Anyone who has a Star Trek lunchbox can't help but compare their current situation to a Star Trek episode!

I partially kid, but really what I'm saying is that the intro of Jason preps the audience for a super-nerd and his character doesn't really come off as crazy. Maybe I was anticipating the end too much, but the whole time I was thinking that Godfrey is going to be sorry for not listening to this guy ... hm ... I wonder what that says about me. :undecided Anyone want to buy a vintage Star Trek lunchbox?

I was also left wondering how the dynamics of the relationship between Jason and Godfrey would change if Godfrey was the one who was right. They wait there all night and ... it's just a comet. How would Jason react. What would Godfrey say to him? Probably not the story that you wanted to tell, but it struck me as interesting.

Thanks for putting the script out there and letting me read it!

[Mark Harris]

Thanks Kristofre! I like the scriptfest as a way to workshop stuff, so I love getting the feedback.

M

[conlanforever]

Really good script. The relationship between the two friends was great. The dialogue was really great.
I like the little detail where he is falling in and out of sleep. Kept the suspense up. I don't have anything to criticize really.

I enjoyed this from start to end.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Second on the good dialog. It was fun to eavsdrop in on these two guys talking.

The ending was semi predictable, but I think that's OK. I think the story is more about the relationship between the two friends.

Enjoyable read!

[thartley]

One of the strongest things about this script was how well you built the relationship and dynamic of these two men through really great dialog. For me, its one of the hardest things to do in these short pieces and you did it very well. I cared about the characters because I really felt like they cared about each other.

Very well done and would like to see this one shot.

[Captain Pierce]

I wonder whatever happened to my Space: 1999 lunchbox...

Anyway, not much I can say that hasn't already been covered. Nice, solid script, Mark.

[Mark Harris]

Thanks all for checking it out. Unfortunately, just about the minute this fest started I got yanked in another direction and all of my focus had to be on something else, So I haven't been around. I am reading them though. Am going to try to comment some more over the next week or so, even if it's after the vote deadline.

[Noel Evans]

Hi Mark. Liked what you wrote. I understand the end is visually impacting, though, as it was clear these guys were close and that was set up well, I would have liked some more emotional impact. But that maybe just me. Cheers.

[Mark Harris]

Yeah, definitely Noel. This ending is kind of a hack. But this whole story is a truncated version of another story, and I was up in the air about the ending, so I wanted to float this ending in scriptfest and see how it washes.

[Isaac_Brody]

Hey Mark,

I really dug this one. I'll echo what Alex said in the beginning. It starts off a little clunky and then finds a rhythm. I like your ending, especially the impending threat of violence.

Just an idea, I would've liked Godfrey to make a phone call in the end and actually get through to Eva. Maybe we hear her voice asking "hello" in the background as the claw comes into view and the growling picks up. He's trying and trying to get through, and finally he does but it doesn't matter because the world's about to end. Him getting through would feel more resolved because Jason wants to escape, and he just wants to make his damn phonecall.

I dug the relationship between the guys and actually liked the Star Trek lunchbox. Trek definitely evokes a sense of baggage, I think that's the point. Right? It is much more distinct and specific to have that detail in than to not to, I vote for keeping it.

Good work.

[Mark Harris]

Hey Issac, it's funny what you said about the ending with Eva, because that IS another one of the endings. Except GODFREY gets in the car and heads back to the city, and as it becomes more and more apparent that the world is coming to an end, he gets more and more desperate to get to her. And when he finally does reach her in their home, it's too late, because there's nothing to do.

That version also starts off with a whole scene with him and Eva fighting at the top, which leads to him heading out into the desert with JASON for the night.

Thanks guys for reading!

[arroway]

good script although i didn't like the ending. i did like all the false endings but i thought it should have led up to something genuinely surprising. what if jason left another vial which he finds and drinks just before the monsters get to him? i don't know...i just think the ending was kind of a downer and didn't really feel climactic enough.