"Contact"

[MrKilloran]

http://img365.imageshack.us/img365/2719/flyingsaucer2at0.jpg

"We've made Contact, a menace from another world"

A professor, brought to a secret military base, must study an alien entity... and stop it from destroying our world.


My entry is gonna be an excerpt, the first six pages, of a short alien thing I wrote. It's in the vein of the old 50's black and white movies.

[alex whitmer]

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Looking forward to it.

a

[conlanforever]

I'm looking forward to seeing how its going to work out. As an excerpt of a longer story.

[MrKilloran]

I'm looking forward to seeing how its going to work out. As an excerpt of a longer story.


Yeah it was tough making cuts to the story, 6 pages is a pretty small range so I had to make a few adjustments.

[MrKilloran]

Uploaded!

[Noel Evans]

I read your first post before I wrote this, and it does feel like an excerpt.

I loved the Wise character, had a really quirky thing going on, a bit Dr Emmet Brown, mixed with a touch of Indiana.

I thought the alien and his powers came across a bit close to MIB. Maybe just me.

I think the total piece would be something Id like to read, as I said I really liked Wise and want to hang with him some more.

[MrKilloran]

I think the total piece would be something Id like to read, as I said I really liked Wise and want to hang with him some more.

Thanks a lot! Wise was so fun to write, his quirks were something I really wanted to get across and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Captain Pierce]

On the first read, I found the Prof to be a little too quirky, but going back, I can see how the right actor could make it work. I definitely saw some Indy in there, both "Crystal Skull" after he linked with the alien (and I liked "Crystal Skull," so that's meant as a compliment, just so you know :) ) and "Raiders" in his final solution; and I also saw some classic Doctor Who in the line "Yes actually, but I suggest, we talk about it after we flee with the utmost haste."

I think you did a good job of writing this both as a teaser for the longer project but also making it work within the page limit.

[conlanforever]

This was an adventurous jaunt with some quirky lines. You definitely accomplished a 50's style for the piece.

I would like to see it take a little more to kill A-Harry than one gunshot.

It felt like something I might have watched on Creature Feature on a Saturday afternoon when I was a kid (ah the good old days)

[MrKilloran]

I would like to see it take a little more to kill A-Harry than one gunshot.

Don't worry, since it was an excerpt he's not dead, think of it more as a cliffhanger ;)

[mjjason]

I echo the 50's feel came across really well though I am not sure how much of a B-movie you want this to be. I felt some of the dialog was a bit hokey (for lack of a better word). To me Wise came across as one of those cheese characters you see in B-movies, kind of like a Bruce Campbell character. If that was what you were going for than you nailed it.

I also echo the MIB feel to the alien attack scene.

Overall a good read where you were able to pull off exactly what you were going for though the ending was a bit to sudden.

[MiataFilmSomething]

This script would work well as an "homage" type script to the old "They Came From Outer Space" kinda movies. Good classic feel to it. With the right production design, you could really have some fun with it.

It seems like a fairly straight forward script, pretty much open and shut, but I'm sure it was modified due to the length requirement.

It's got potential for some great action scenes, too. While reading the alien escaping I had the scene from Spiderman 2 in my head when Doc Ock breaks out of the operating room. Imagine all the cool and gross ways an alien could take a person out...

[Judgement]

U can write for sure!
the only issue I had with the script was at the end when Wise said,

"not all the world is filled with madmen and wild dogs." and then three lines later he shots Harry!
LOL!

[jamiejay]

You did a good job. Nice writing. I also thought of Indiana Jones and MIB while reading this.

Few minor questions: How did the General know that "Harry" was really the alien? And, if Wise understood everything that was going on, why did he have to ask "why us?".

But those are VERY minor things and they didn't impact my enjoyment of the script. Just after-thoughts. :)

[STYLZ]

Very good visuals you painted here. Very descriptive, I had no problem seeing what was going on, aside from the part where it seemed all the sudden your character was gripping a broken window frame. Seemed to just jump to that part. At anyrate you have an entertaining high budget short here. The ending left a little to be desired. Seemed to abrupt. Did you cut this down a lot? Anyways other than that, real good swift read.

[MrKilloran]

The ending left a little to be desired. Seemed to abrupt. Did you cut this down a lot?


Yes, the end of this should be seen as a "to be continued..." or cliffhanger because Its more of an excerpt from a much longer script.

[MrKilloran]

Imagine all the cool and gross ways an alien could take a person out...


*imagines* Oh crap, :shocked:

[pauly_the_hitman]

I love the campy styling and the 50's feel. Good read. I enjoyed it. Look forward to seeing the longer version.
Pauly

[thartley]

Nothing too bad to say about this one. Its a good story worthy of more than six pages to do it justice. I liked Wise's character. Harry was a little underdeveloped for being the new host. I didnt feel too much for his loss. Good story and I was able to see it well as I read it.

[MrKilloran]

Pauly, I'm glad you enjoyed the campiness and noticed the feel I was going for

Tharley, You're right, Harry really does get shorthanded in this version.

[alex whitmer]

This ...


A military Ford GWS Jeep drives down a road adjacent to the
identical barracks of the base.

This reads like the barracks are identical to the jeep. Maybe you mean 'rows of cookie-cutter baracks' or something like that.

Great dialogue this ...


WISE
I’m riddled with anticipation

This ...

enters a room filled with light

I thought the room was poorly lit. Or is the General full of light?

This ...


HARRY
I’m ... I’m scared.


Wise reaches into his coat pocket (reaches into whose pocket? His own?)


WISE
Have a cigarette, calm your nerves


He lights the cigarettes (who lights it)


HARRY
Thank you, Professor

Keep it clear who is doing what.

This ...


bustling with scientists around machines
running tests

Who or what is running the tests? Scientists or machines?

This ...

investigative and intrigued smirk

No idea what that looks like.

This ...

The people part to each side to let Wise through

Only Wise? What about the General and Harry?

This ...


We found it off the coast a
Delaware

Typo.

This ...


lanky with knives and tubes protruding

Are these part of the creature, or from the autopsy? You follow this with ...

tentacle like arms and long slender fingers

... so I assume the knives and tubes are aloso part of the creature.

This ...


Words and images flash through his mind

What words? What images? what am I missing here?

This ...


GENERAL
Are you O.K?

Pretty dry responce after what just happened. It's not Wise stubbed his toe here.

So far you refer to the 'creature' as him, it, creature, alien and extraterrestial. Pick one and stick with it.

This ...

The General leaves

So, the rest of the people are coming to pieces, but the General simple leaves?

This ...


WISE
(intrigued)
An interesting development

Pretty funny, in a Sherlock Holmes kinda way.

Lot of missing puntuation throughout.

This ...


The alien frees itself from the restraints and kills many of
the nearby scientists

How? Not fair, I want to know. Also, you call the scientists and peopl, but I assume it's the same characters?

The whole jeep, woods, finding A-Harry happened too fast, and we never really saw them catch up to A-H. Just started taking, and A-H hjappen to be there.

I think you really need to be clear on who is doing what and when. I had to put two and two together far too often, and as a reader, that's not my job.

STORY

I really enjoyed the dialogue, though at times it felt contivewd, but in all it really worked, and you sorta created two worlds in one, where one is chaos, and the other this ubiquitous calm. Very effective.

Years a go I used to know this guy, who no matter the emergency at hand, never got excited, and never changed his tone. He was the kinda guy that would calmly inform a neighbor their house was in flames, then go about his business like nothing was unusual. Do dee do dee do. Wise reminded me of him to a tee.

I think the mistake element was well handled, but I would have liked to have seen it played out more, and maybe rework the melodrama of the Alien's speech.

We never got to know Harry, so losing him meant pretty much nothing.

Definately picked up on a Jone influence there as well, but more of a Sherlock than anything.

Anyways, enjoyed the read.

[MrKilloran]

The description of the alien's body


This ...


lanky with knives and tubes protruding

Are these part of the creature, or from the autopsy? You follow this with ...

tentacle like arms and long slender fingers

... so I assume the knives and tubes are also part of the creature

That was my fault, I went back and noticed how disorganized that was. Wish I had figured it out sooner.

I would have loved to go into more detail about Harry, the death of the scientists, and the chase but there just didn't seem to be enough space when it came to cutting down the script. In a longer version these facts would be padded out and more detail put in.

I appreciate your advice, thanks, and glad you picked up on some of the subtleties. I'll be sure to work on the mistakes and grammar in the future.:dankk2:

[jamiejay]

Hey MrKilloran-
I was hoping you could answer the questions I had. They were small things, but I would like to see what your thoughts were on those two points. Thanks :)

[MrKilloran]

Sure, go right ahead.

[jasonthewho]

You did a good job. Nice writing. I also thought of Indiana Jones and MIB while reading this.

Few minor questions: How did the General know that "Harry" was really the alien? And, if Wise understood everything that was going on, why did he have to ask "why us?".

But those are VERY minor things and they didn't impact my enjoyment of the script. Just after-thoughts. :)

Those were jamiejay's questions.


A lot of people have written some good criticism, especially Alex, so I'll just mention one more thing myself.

The line "This is the extraterrestrial." seems like more explanation than is needed. Maybe he just says "Here it is." or, even more preferable, nothing.

Beyond that, there's a lot of good stuff in this story. Good characters, circumstances, action sequences. Could be an exciting short, or possibly feature if that's where you want to go with it.

It surprises me that everyone is reminded of MIB. For me, the thing it is closest to is the scene in Independence Day where the alien is behind the glass and takes control of the scientist's body.

[MrKilloran]

Sorry about that,



Few minor questions: How did the General know that "Harry" was really the alien? And, if Wise understood everything that was going on, why did he have to ask "why us?".

Question 1: Assume. Alex had a point about having to put two and two together, this is one of those moments where it just sorta happens. I was writing it to be campy and it just seemed like one of those things where the character's know plot points. But to be fair the General doesn't say its "Harry," he could just see a figure running into the woods, assume its the alien, and know where its going. Understandably some exposition between the General and Wise could clear all this up.

Question 2: My thoughts were that while Wise may know everything, he doesn't understand all this knowledge running around in his head. All he's doing is making sense of it all. Like if you found a bag of puzzle pieces, with the exact number of pieces written on the side, and have to put it together with no idea what its supposed to look like.

Hope that helps clear up some things.

[MrKilloran]

The line "This is the extraterrestrial." seems like more explanation than is needed. Maybe he just says "Here it is." or, even more preferable, nothing.


I see what you're saying, by saying nothing it could actually allow for a more visual reveal of the alien and at the same time create more interest into what it could be.

[MrKilloran]

Its great all of you got the homage 50's feel of the story, I was really trying to get that across in my writing. I know at times it came off as campy but I feel thats what made a lot of the old stuff feel so classic sometimes. I really want to flesh this out into a bigger story, work on some characters (The General and Harry) as well as introduce some new ones, and up the ante so to speak with certain elements of the story. When I get a chance I'll get to work on a re-write and fix up some of the problems within but for now thanks for all your comments, support, and suggestions, I'll take them to heart.

[agalla1]

I actually got more of an "Independence Day" feel with the alien...but anyway...the script was a lot of fun to read...didn't understand the gasoline canister leaking in a medical facility...but that could just be that my image of the room was different than your intent. Overall, a very action filled/sci filled script...really great!