"The Choice" A Story By Pauly The Hitman...

[pauly_the_hitman]

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/6290/thechoiceposterau8.jpg

Well I guess I have to put this in even though i hate my own writing. So her we go.

One Man...One Choice...One Destiny...

[alex whitmer]

Great to see you here!! Glad you showed restraint ... Per your change of venue over in twilight, I thought for sure it would say 'One Man, One Ass, One Destiny.'

a

[conlanforever]

Hey Pauly I'm diggin' your poster for Twilightfest.

[alex whitmer]

Agree. Way cool on the poster. Great to see the script fest offering a little visual candy.

a

[seansshack]

great poster!

[pauly_the_hitman]

Well I got it uploaded and I hope somebody likes it. I am more of an idea man and don't really like writing, but I opened my big mouth so I had to give it a go. So thats that. Good luck everyone.
Pauly

[Judgement]

cool poster for real

[conlanforever]

I like this poster as well, very nice.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Thanks I hope you guys like the story as well.
Pauly

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Well, I think I'm going to comment later. I may have been a bit distracted while reading it because I think I missed something. Loved the banter though.

I'll be back later.

Cheers,

Mike

[MiataFilmSomething]

Just finished this script.

I really liked it. It had a very pure and simple story, but was delivered in a way that was effective and innovative.

I liked the themes going on, and the feeling that so much more was at stake than just one man. It really tells us that one person can make a difference, especially if they are united together against something.

Very enjoyable to read. Good job!

[pauly_the_hitman]

Just finished this script.

I really liked it. It had a very pure and simple story, but was delivered in a way that was effective and innovative.

I liked the themes going on, and the feeling that so much more was at stake than just one man. It really tells us that one person can make a difference, especially if they are united together against something.

Very enjoyable to read. Good job!

Wow thank you. I am not a writer I just had a clear dream and put it on paper. I usually leave the witting to people better suited for it then myself. But for some reason this story had to come from me. I hope people see the meaning that is buried just under the surface of the story. So I am glad that you liked it and I hope oters do as well.
Pauly

[ghalied]

I spent most of the first part wondering what the options were. The dialogue was well written, but I didn't feel much of the emotions of the dilemma. Maybe it was because the protaganist wasn't introduced properly, maybe it was because I didn't know the options. I dunno. Either way, I felt you needed a better introduction into the piece or the setting.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I spent most of the first part wondering what the options were. The dialogue was well written, but I didn't feel much of the emotions of the dilemma. Maybe it was because the protaganist wasn't introduced properly, maybe it was because I didn't know the options. I dunno. Either way, I felt you needed a better introduction into the piece or the setting.


Yeah I think you have a point there. The problem was I wrote this when the contest was first announced and forgot about it till it was time to upload. So I never wrote the other two pages . Thanks for your input.
Pauly

[conlanforever]

Nice visual setting in the beginning. I like the contrasting suits the good and evil ones are wearing, good visuals.

One minor tech issue, in your scene headings you have EXT. and INT. and then no location or time and neither for the football stadium scene. Easily fixed with something as simple as DESERT -- DAY, DARK ROOM -- CONTINUOUS or something like that. Didn't take me out of the story though.

I would've liked a little more emotional connection with Barry, something more about him so I'd have more of a personal connection with him. I think it would give it more impact when he makes his choice.

I do like the basic simplicity of the story and how everything hung in the balance. I loved the dialogue between Barry and the evil/good ones. Clever and funny.

You say "I am not a writer" Judging from this, I'd say you are :beer:

[pauly_the_hitman]

Nice visual setting in the beginning. I like the contrasting suits the good and evil ones are wearing, good visuals.

One minor tech issue, in your scene headings you have EXT. and INT. and then no location or time and neither for the football stadium scene. Easily fixed with something as simple as DESERT -- DAY, DARK ROOM -- CONTINUOUS or something like that. Didn't take me out of the story though.

I would've liked a little more emotional connection with Barry, something more about him so I'd have more of a personal connection with him. I think it would give it more impact when he makes his choice.

I do like the basic simplicity of the story and how everything hung in the balance. I loved the dialogue between Barry and the evil/good ones. Clever and funny.

You say "I am not a writer" Judging from this, I'd say you are :beer:

Thanks I guess you are right to some extent. But still not my strong point.
Pauly

[seansshack]

Would avoid the use and overuse of caps. Nice brief and clear descriptions here.

Story works well. Nice build up. Again a few formatting errors scattered through that pull you out of the story.

Overall not much to complain about here. Tidy with another draft and you will have more polish in there.

Good luck with it.

[pauly_the_hitman]

Would avoid the use and overuse of caps. Nice brief and clear descriptions here.

Story works well. Nice build up. Again a few formatting errors scattered through that pull you out of the story.

Overall not much to complain about here. Tidy with another draft and you will have more polish in there.

Good luck with it.


Thanks. I normally don't like to write scripts or screenplays but this was kind of fun. I had a good time, and enjoy everyones responses. I am usually just an idea guy but went out on a limb for this fest.
Pauly

[alex whitmer]

This …

A man standing in the middle of the desert holding his hands over his eyes, crying. We see a man approach from behind dressed in a black suit with a white tie.

Starts off with ING verbs. ‘crying’ is probably acceptable as it continuous with hands over his eyes. Try …

A man stands in the middle of the desert, holds his hands over his eyes, crying. We see a man approach from behind dressed in a black suit with a white tie.

Second, I assume these two men are the same ones in the following dialogue, but I don’t know which is which. Who’s crying, Barry or The Evil One? By the dialogue I will assume Barry is the one crying.

This …

THE EVIL ONE
Either way you will lose. What you lose
is still up to you.

I think this would have more impact with just the second sentence.

This …

Fair, who said anything about being fair.

Should be a ?

Margin and spacing errors on page 1

Page 2

This …

INT.

BARRY FINDS HIMSELF IN A DARK ROOM WITH A SMALL LIGHT
SHINNING DOWN ON HIM.

No need to cap this info. Also, in this case ‘DARK ROOM’ belongs in your slug, not the action.

This …

You shoulda seen your face all what? And stuff.

Lose the ?, make this one sentence.

This …

Your right, I'm sorry pretend I'm not
even here.

Should be ‘you’re right’ and need a comma after sorry.

This …

Man do you mind!

Here again need a comma – after man.

Reading ahead, I see a number of these.

Page 3

Big chunky action block all in upper case. That’s a no-no.

This …

When you chose evil over good, you pushed
the balance over to the evil side and all
hell came along.

You could simplify this to …

When you chose evil over good, all
hell came along.

… and still get your message across.

This …

How could one guy
change all of the world?

… reads a little clumsy. Maybe …


How could one guy change the whole world?

Page 4

Another honkin’ action block in all caps. Also, you have information is parenthesis that would be considered and aside, which is best avoided unless you really have to. I think you could have said something like EVIL ONE as COACH, or something like that. Also, avoid abbreviations when introducing a new character, in this case ASST.

If you had a character CAPTAIN BURKE, you would spell it out first time. After that you could refer to him or her as CAPT. BURKE.

This …

Barry's POV we see the eyes open and everything is blurry and …

I hate ‘we see’. It always takes me out of the story and puts me to work as a DP or something.

This …

Everything is going to be OK, the world
is how it should Barry?

Typo. Need ‘be’ between should and Barry.

STORY

Not 100% I got it. So did Barry sacrifice himself to save the world? If so, did he know this was part of the deal?

I think what really happened is a little elusive. The evil coach is laughing, but why if Barry chose good? And after Barry chose good, he still says he needs to make the right decision. Hmm.

I really like the cut from the room to the football field. At first Good’s character seemed a little cliché, but that turned out to set up the cut. Nice job on that.

Enjoyed the script. A tweak her and there to clean up the formatting, and maybe clarify what happened at the end.

You still had another page plus to cherry this out.
a

[pauly_the_hitman]

This …

A man standing in the middle of the desert holding his hands over his eyes, crying. We see a man approach from behind dressed in a black suit with a white tie.

Starts off with ING verbs. ‘crying’ is probably acceptable as it continuous with hands over his eyes. Try …

A man stands in the middle of the desert, holds his hands over his eyes, crying. We see a man approach from behind dressed in a black suit with a white tie.

Second, I assume these two men are the same ones in the following dialogue, but I don’t know which is which. Who’s crying, Barry or The Evil One? By the dialogue I will assume Barry is the one crying.

This …

THE EVIL ONE
Either way you will lose. What you lose
is still up to you.

I think this would have more impact with just the second sentence.

This …

Fair, who said anything about being fair.

Should be a ?

Margin and spacing errors on page 1

Page 2

This …

INT.

BARRY FINDS HIMSELF IN A DARK ROOM WITH A SMALL LIGHT
SHINNING DOWN ON HIM.

No need to cap this info. Also, in this case ‘DARK ROOM’ belongs in your slug, not the action.

This …

You shoulda seen your face all what? And stuff.

Lose the ?, make this one sentence.

This …

Your right, I'm sorry pretend I'm not
even here.

Should be ‘you’re right’ and need a comma after sorry.

This …

Man do you mind!

Here again need a comma – after man.

Reading ahead, I see a number of these.

Page 3

Big chunky action block all in upper case. That’s a no-no.

This …

When you chose evil over good, you pushed
the balance over to the evil side and all
hell came along.

You could simplify this to …

When you chose evil over good, all
hell came along.

… and still get your message across.

This …

How could one guy
change all of the world?

… reads a little clumsy. Maybe …


How could one guy change the whole world?

Page 4

Another honkin’ action block in all caps. Also, you have information is parenthesis that would be considered and aside, which is best avoided unless you really have to. I think you could have said something like EVIL ONE as COACH, or something like that. Also, avoid abbreviations when introducing a new character, in this case ASST.

If you had a character CAPTAIN BURKE, you would spell it out first time. After that you could refer to him or her as CAPT. BURKE.

This …

Barry's POV we see the eyes open and everything is blurry and …

I hate ‘we see’. It always takes me out of the story and puts me to work as a DP or something.

This …

Everything is going to be OK, the world
is how it should Barry?

Typo. Need ‘be’ between should and Barry.

STORY

Not 100% I got it. So did Barry sacrifice himself to save the world? If so, did he know this was part of the deal?

I think what really happened is a little elusive. The evil coach is laughing, but why if Barry chose good? And after Barry chose good, he still says he needs to make the right decision. Hmm.

I really like the cut from the room to the football field. At first Good’s character seemed a little cliché, but that turned out to set up the cut. Nice job on that.

Enjoyed the script. A tweak her and there to clean up the formatting, and maybe clarify what happened at the end.

You still had another page plus to cherry this out.
a



Thank you so much. I don't really know how to format correctly and that's the main reason I don't consider myself a writer. I do however consider myself a good storyteller that needs to learn proper formating and rules about scriptwriting. So once again I thank you and appriciate your input.
Pauly

[thartley]

Pauly, well done. Taking the story from one context to the other was brilliant, "two worlds collide" type of thing. I think some of the other people who commented gave you much better critiques than I can lend, so I will say that I enjoyed it, it was an easy read, and I thought the switch up to the ball field was great. Go back and refine it per others' comments and go shoot it! :beer:

[MrKilloran]

Gotta say other than cleaning up some of the dialogue this was an enjoyable read. Liked how Barry saw the Good and Evil ones as the coaches. Nice style, keep up the good work.

[agalla1]

Had a lot of fun reading it...you are a great story teller! I liked how you led me in one direction and then completely surprised me...the end had a human and that "feel good movie of the year" sad ending...great job!

[STYLZ]

(I don't read others reviews first), but I'm sure you already know about the technical aspects. Well and story too. Was really short, flew by quick. Not bad, I was a little confused......oh wait I just got it. Yes a simple story that I think we have all contemplated at some point in our lives. Yes good meaning, good meaning indeed. Good Job.

[Captain Pierce]

I guess I didn't get what was "real." Was it the Barry tormented by the choice between good and evil, and then seeing the Good and Evil Ones as coaches as a metaphor at the end? Or was it the one dying in the end zone, with the good v. evil debate the metaphor, a humorously-overdone rehashing of his decision to play this game with a potentially serious injury (or something like that)?

I liked the dialog with the Good and Evil Ones, although I think you should have worked a "Luke, I am your father" joke in there too. :D Loved the "Devil Went Down to Georgia" reference. :D

[pauly_the_hitman]

Thanks guys maybe I will just have to learn how to format my scripts correctly and keep on writing. I do however prefer to just come up with the ideas. But nothing says I can't do a little of both right.
:dankk2:
Pauly

[arroway]

immediately the first thing i notice is the format is off (never a good thing to notice initially) but nothing a quick rewrite can't fix.

barry sounds like a bitch when he whines to the devil "how is this fair?". it's at this point that i personally stopped rooting for your main character. cry-baby protagonists are annoying.

i love the inversion of the black suit/white tie and white suit/black tie. great visual gimmick.

i didn't understand the end probably because i didn't understand what the "choice" really was. maybe i'm just dense but i needed more clarification. the football reveal seems kind of anti-climactic and silly given the world ending, apocalyptic nature of the "choice".

there's definitely something worth digging for, here. good luck with it.