Grimples and the Golden Scroll

[jasonthewho]

Grimples and the Golden Scroll
Written by Jason Johnson-Spinos

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/33943/1218070999.jpg

[alex whitmer]

Do you sit up late at night and think of the most unusual titles possible?

The title alone demands a read.

a

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)

[jasonthewho]

Do you sit up late at night and think of the most unusual titles possible?

The title alone demands a read.



Considering I work the night shift, but spend much of that time thinking about filmmaking, that's fairly accurate.

Glad the title enticed you!

[conlanforever]

Love the title and the poster, I've really liked what I've read/seen of yours so far, so I'm looking forward to the read.

You're becoming a regular titlemeister ;)

[jasonthewho]

Let's get this party started!

[preston]

titlemeister ... hahaha

yeah, let's go already..

[krestofre]

I really, really, really like Grimples' motivation. The words he says to the king are really powerful for how simple they are. This is an imaginative tale that is screaming for a longer treatment. The more that Grimples has to go through to achieve his goal, the more powerful his actions become.

****Spoiler****

The only problem I had with the script is when the King stops the marksmen from shooting because they might hit the competitors. Given the circumstances I think the assumption from the character would be that Grimples is attempting to assasinate the King. I think the King would assume this as well and wouldn't stop someone from saving his life. At the very end we get an indication that this is a very benevolent King, so maybe he would decide that he's going to risk himself to save innocent people, but at that moment in the script we're not aware of that and it feels a little strange.

[alex whitmer]

I have to mirror Chris' points about the King and the situation at hand. Had me reading it twice to see if I missed something.

What's not to like about Grimples? All the while I was reading I kept seeing an older and rehabilitated Gollum.

The whole falling rope bridge thing is ooooold! With the fun little world you created, I think you could have found something more original, or at least less traveled.

I think this would technically fall under fantacy, but you certainly pulled off the 'your character makes a mistake' requirement very well.

Very fun read. Enjoyed my moment with Grimples.

Alex

[krestofre]

The whole falling rope bridge thing is ooooold! With the fun little world you created, I think you could have found something more original, or at least less traveled.

I thought that too, but decided not to judge it because I thought the addition of the sea creature was fairly interesting. Still, if two people have the same thought while reading a script, it probably means something. :)

[jasonthewho]

Thanks for the comments Chris and Alex!

Yeah, the rope bridge thing is old, but I'd prefer to call it a classic. :) Like Chris said, I tried to spin it a little bit with the sea monster, and I do like having fairy tale elements that are immediately recognizable. That said, I definitely could have been more creative.

In regards to this being a fantasy Alex, I was just going off what the rules state.

Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)

[Mark Harris]

Ha ha, I will come back to comment later Jason, but I wanted to say: "You'd better not let Hudson catch you with this script in a Sci-Fi contest!" :)

[MiataFilmSomething]

Good story to read, but I had to read it a few times to really get what was going on. Of course, I'm probably just slower than the average bear.

Grimples is a good character, and it's fun to follow him on his adventures because he's a likeable character. I didn't mind the bridge scene too much; think of it as a classic tribute to old school fantasy tales.

I also like the character of the king. He makes Grimples's efforts worthwhile to Grimples himself.

Fun read!

[conlanforever]

I love Grimples. Where can I get my action figure?

I like this genre and I really liked this script. You created a great character with Grimples, I admit the rope bridge thing has been done, but nevertheless I was kept in suspense and thought you did a good job of conveying the action. The sea creature was a nice touch.

I liked the showdown at the end. Grimples words though few carry a lot of impact.

I liked the world you created here and would like to see more of it.
Well done.

[jasonthewho]

Thanks guys!

MiataFilmSomething, I doubt you're stupid. What parts did you find confusing? I'd love to know so that I could write them more clearly.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I enjoyed it reminded my of something my kids would read but I love that kind of stuff. Good job.
Pauly

[jasonthewho]

Thanks Pauly!

[Captain Pierce]

Fun read, you create an interesting world.

One minor nitpick: on page 5, the King jumps off the platform twice. :) I presume the first one is "correct," since he has to be off the platform for the cylinder to roll to his feet.

[jasonthewho]

Thanks for catching that Captain Pierce!

[jamiejay]

I'm happy to see I wasn't alone in writing a fairy tale style fantasy :)

I LOVE fairy tales, and I think you definitely did the genre justice. Likable and intriguing protagonist, very visual character and scene descriptions, unique creatures, interesting and fast-paced action sequence ... I liked it all.

Grimples was a mix of Gollum, Shrek, and Dobby in my mind. I was really captivated by him. The action scene played out like a fantasy video game as I read, and I imagined Grimples trying to save the princess... I was close. ;)

I did have a very minor issue with the description of the ball weapon device as "volleyball-sized". Though I realize you wouldn't hear those words on film and it was just your way to get us to picture the device, it did feel out-of-place considering the setting. But I really liked the weapon and how it was used.

As for the bridge problem... I think it's been adequately addressed, but I would have liked to see Grimples encounter a few more dangerous situations along the way. Maybe have to battle a monster or two in the woods?

I didn't have a problem with the king stopping the guards because I think it did show that he was a kind king.

With space leftover, I sort of wish there was a way to develop Zinklen's character a little more... show how sinister he was so that Grimples is that much more heroic in the end. Did the jewel in Zinklen's face have any significance? I liked the visual, but I thought maybe it meant something.

All in all, great storytelling!

[Nektonic]

SPOILERS

I had a lot of fun reading about the (final) adventure of Grimples. Poor little guy. One the bright side, there are always prequels.

I think you described the world well using an economy of words. Good job on that as it kept the story moving. I didn't have any problem with the rope bridge that others mentioned. Yes it's been done a lot in the past but if done well, which I think you did, it works. Not every little detail has to be insanely original.

I liked the plot. The decision to not reveal what the Golden Scroll says was an interesting choice. I think it gives the reader some extra motivation to see if the story actually reveals what was written on the scroll. In relation to this though, it would have been nice to actually reveal the exact words at the end of the script when the king reads it. I liked the end with the king and the death of Grimples. I did feel that it was a little rushed. This may be due to the 6 page limit, as I too had a similar problem with the pacing of my script's ending as well.

The use of "volleyball" to describe the size of the metal ball of spikes did jar me out of the fictitious time period a little. Maybe you could use "the size of an average man's head", as that would be similar in size to a volleyball.

This was a good script with a nice take on the fantasy genre. It was nice to let the troll-like character be the hero as they are usually faceless villains that the human hero hacks apart with a sword. You painted a vivid picture of the world that Grimples lives in. I think that you would be able to expand this beyond 6 pages and let Grimples go through more obstacles to get to the castle. Maybe he could first meet Warfulk on this particular quest, both becoming allies to save the kingdom. If you kept the same level of quality and adventure I bet you could turn this into a feature length script.

Also, I had one minor question. The first line of description reads: Two red suns peak (should be peek shouldn't it?) over the edge of enormous trees that enclose the rich green field. Are these two red suns there to imply that this is another planet or are you adding it just for effect? I ask because this story seems to be squarely in the FANTASY genre, not SCI-FI. I think it works as that and to be on another planet just muddies the concept because then the audience might think that there will be a spaceship or some other high technology popping up somewhere.

[jasonthewho]

Thanks for the great feedback jamiejay and Nektonic!

In terms of the "volleyball" description, I agree that it seems odd. I just had the thought of "coconut." Does that work better?

jamiejay, the red jewel does not hold any special significance yet, but it would be interesting if it did. If I ever do a longer version of Grimples I will keep that in mind. My main reason for the jewel was to give a strong visual reference to make Zinklen stand out from the other creatures of his species.

It should indeed be "peek" Nektonic. I meant for the story to take place in an entirely fictional world. I never thought that the audience might be mislead by the two suns, but I can see how it might lead them to expect a different kind of story. Does anyone else have a thought on this issue?

[conlanforever]

I went back and looked at the script and I think one of the reasons the volleyball reference may have taken a reader out of the story might be as simple as adjusting the description slightly.

Here is how it is in the script. I can see when reading you might get the image of a rope with a volleyball on the end of it for a split second.


Attached to the end of
the rope is a volleyball sized metal ball.



Maybe just reversing the description would get rid of that. Something like this.


Attached to the end of the rope is a metal ball about the size of a volleyball.

The first image you get in your head is a metal ball.

The two red suns lead me to believe that you had created your own world. Nice visual by the way. But I made no assumptions after that as to what I'd be seeing. So it wasn't a problem for me personally.

[jasonthewho]

Thanks for your input conlanforever! I think you're right about the volleyball thing.

[jamiejay]

I like coconut! :)

[Captain Pierce]

Personally, I'd like to see more fantasy done that isn't supposed to be happening in some secret part of Earth's prehistory. :) Two red suns is good by me. :D

[mjjason]

Great story. I loved Grimples as a character and would be interested in a longer version of this quest or even a back story to him.

For this story, I had a slight problem with the 1 line dialog blocks. They kind of became repetitive early on, i.e. Grimples name starting of a sentence two or three lines in a row. It broke up the natural flowing of reading the story.

I also echo the King comment about him not wanting to hurt other people. I didn't take it as him being a kind King it just felt like it didn't fit cause at that point I had assumed Grimples was going to stop him or his group. Maybe revising that bit to show him in a kinder light prior would make it more believable.

Other than that I felt this was a strong script with a lot of potential for follow-up.

[Noel Evans]

This was non stop action from start to finish. I really liked the ride.

One thing for me though, is Grimples seemed a constant victim of circumstance which drove him, obviously made sense with the killing of the bird, but when he is saved by Warfulk, the wolf bird seems to know where to go without getting any direction and then it seems pure circumstance he is brought down where he needed to be.

[jasonthewho]

I see what you're saying Noel. I think a short scene where Grimples is clearly steering or directing Warfulk would probably help.

[Noel Evans]

I see what you're saying Noel. I think a short scene where Grimples is clearly steering or directing Warfulk would probably help.

I think, and Ive said it before. Fitting everything into six pages is very tough.

Really would like the next one to be ten personally :P

[jamiejay]

I agree with Noel... I would probably need ten :)