"Evac"

[Captain Pierce]

Private, the brass would call what you just did a “tactical error.” Civilians would call it a “mistake.” I call it a grade-A f***up.This is about 95% done, so I'm going to go ahead and commit myself to entering it. :) It's a completely different idea from the one I mentioned in the "Progress" thread, started only last Thursday.

And I just realized after posting this and looking at my sig, that I am now 2 for 2 with Scriptfest titles that start with "E." I don't even like the letter "e..." :D

Read it here: http://www.dvxfest.com/host_mirror/scriptfestII/entries/Evac_CaptainPierce.pdf

[alex whitmer]

I am now 2 for 2 with Scriptfest titles that start with "E."

Could just be an anomoly of sorts based on the fact there are two Es in Pierce. You should be ok after this.

a

[conlanforever]

Love the quote Captain. Now take your E's like a man!

[Captain Pierce]

Alex - great quote in your sig. :D And not a bad theory about the "e's," at that...

Conlan - OK, I promise this is the last time I bring this up--but this script features, if not a giant handgun, at least a very specific one. :) I'll stop now.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Should be a good one!

Cheers,

Mike

[Captain Pierce]

Uploaded, wish I could have come up with a better logline, though...

[RodThompson]

This is about 95% done, so I'm going to go ahead and commit myself to entering it. :) It's a completely different idea from the one I mentioned in the "Progress" thread, started only last Thursday.

And I just realized after posting this and looking at my sig, that I am now 2 for 2 with Scriptfest titles that start with "E." I don't even like the letter "e..." :D


"E" sucks so bad, that even schools refuse to award it on report cards. They feel that in the scheme of a 26-letter alphabet, it falls somewhere between "X" and "Splunge"

True story!


And....Is your Avatar the FIREFOX poster?

[Judgement]

E is better than F

[Captain Pierce]

And....Is your Avatar the FIREFOX poster?

It is for now, but I've been feeling the urge to change it again... :)

[Judgement]

Captain- great action short script! Just the way I like it! Guns and guns and more guns!
Who cares about the person gun down!

[preston]

great story. great writing. great ending!

thank you for sharing your script.

[MiataFilmSomething]

This is one of my favorites so far. Great use of the time allowed, great story, good dialog, and a good ending.

The only thing I'd suggest is towards the end, write in more scenes of the aliens actually on their trail. It will make it seem more realistic in his actions at the end.

Great job!

[MrKilloran]

Highly enjoyed it

[conlanforever]

Hey Captain, I love it...large assault rifles and handguns, not giant, but large is still pretty sweet.

I liked this a lot. A very exciting action piece. I liked how the opening and closing scenes play off each other.

One super tiny nitpick, when the Seargent is dismissing Phillips, he says it like it's a suggestion and not a command, which seems out of character.

The end really worked for me. I really liked the V.O. at the end and the visual you created as the ship was flying away from him. Great stuff!

Really entertaining and well written script.

[Captain Pierce]

Thanks to all who have read so far. :)

Conlan, I see what you mean about the Sarge. The idea was that, when Johnson makes the point about never leaving a man behind, it "humanizes" him a little, but I made some changes to this section at pretty much the last minute and looking back, he never really snaps back into full-on sergeant mode like he probably should. Then again, it's hard to take him there when he's saddled with that much expostion... (We're practically to "Austin Powers" territory with him--"Hello, Sergeant Exposition, what's the story?" :D )

[alex whitmer]

I have a few issues with this one. I guess most disturbing was I kept seeing Arnold!

The biggest hole for me was not knowing what the Faniki were really after other than to pick the brains of important people. For what kind of information? Important in what way?

And ... what are the consequenses if they fail?

This finished out at 51/2 pages. I would have liked to have seen a much differnt scenario ...

Phillips and Johnson are both briefed about the dead brain concern. When crap hits the fan and Johnson goes down, I'd like to see Philips faced with having to make the head shot. They both knw it needs to be done. That could make for some intense and emotional drama.

Which brings up another question ...

I thought the Faniki were intersted in mining the brains of important people. Is Johnson considered important enough?

If you want to get Ghandi, we are all important, but I sense your story is about some kind of secret, or people with high IQs.

I guess my last issue is that this had an 80s commando movie feel to it. That's not a bad thing concept-wise, but it robs this of a fresh take.

Techie-wise some of your action blocks were on the heavy side.

alex

[Captain Pierce]

The Faniki are out to pick the brains of anyone they can. I came up with more about them than I originally intended, and most of it wasn't relevant to this script (and even if it had been, length limitations and the desire to keep them mysterious probably would have kept it out anyway), but they are definitely picking brains all over. In terms of this script, what the Marines are trying to do is protect the people that the humans consider important, high officials in planetary governments who would have information about defense plans, high-tech research, and stuff like that. In the training scenario presented first, the "real" Faniki would have gone straight for the downed civilian--but the idea of the training scenario was to put the fear of God into the recruits, hence he gets threatened with the mind-reading and getting his throat cut afterwards. Now, in the "real"section, Johnson is now important because he knows the coordinates of the evac point, and since Phillips and the civilian are still at large, he is definitely going to get scanned.

Good idea about one of them having to make the shot on the other, never thought of that. :) In that scenario, I would have put Johnson in the shooter role to illustrate him learning from the mistake in training.

Thanks for reading. :)

[pauly_the_hitman]

Good action, Nice writing. I liked it.
Pauly

[seansshack]

I'm a big fan of good stories and entertainment. For me you rocked them both.

A well constructed and entertaining story. Not too complex and not attempting to be too intelligent or contrived. Just a with short story that fashioned itself on good old entertainment. A traditionally structured narrative that works.

Love the military lingo and scenario, spot on with every aspect of this (and I have researched it to death of a feature of mine).

If I was to complain it would some of the descriptions/action is a little wordy in places along with some of the dialogue, but to be fair I hate nit picking when you tell a good story and this is the point really. You’re a story teller; the mistakes are the job of the proof reader. Also avoid the use of we and the last sentence appears unfinished.... but what the hell, I enjoyed it anyway and feeling more interested in story than correct sentence structure......................................... ...........

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. My first perfect 10 of this fest...

Well done and good luck with it.

[STYLZ]

Nice ending, although I don't see how anyone would volunteer for a suicide mission. Literally. Just a nitpick- no one salutes a sarge. Good story. I found giving away the fact that the first scene is fake kind of pulled me out of the story for a minute. I don't know what proper procedure for writing something like that is. Other than that it was an entertaining story.

[jamiejay]

I liked the writing and it was an interesting scenario.

Personally, I don't even think the training scene was necessary. I thought the information about them being able to read minds and steal information could have been revealed in the action as they try to rescue a civilian. This would have freed up space for more action and more information on the Faniki and their motives. It would have shortened a long dialogue as well. If fact, the sarge's speech to Johnson ruined what could have been a very dramatic ending where Johnson decides on his own to take his life so as to not let the Faniki get any information.

Again, I see a lot of potential with what you have here story-wise, and I can tell you have a good handle on writing scripts. :)

[alex whitmer]

Agree with JJ

Some of your best drama opportunities were lost to dialogue.

a

[Captain Pierce]

Sean--wow. Thanks, man.

Stylz--arg. I should've known that about saluting a Sergeant. :D

Jamiejay--that's an interesting take on the idea that I hadn't considered. The core of this, for me (at least related to this fest), was showing how the mistake made in training would influence what Johnson did in combat. And yeah, the sarge does have way too much dialogue.

Thanks for reading, all. :)

[mjjason]

This was a very enjoyable story. I liked the set-up of having to kill yourself or the one you were sent to rescue in order to protect the greater good. It had an Orson Scott Card feel to it which I liked very much.

Some nitpicking, the visual directions in the script kind of pulled me out somewhat though it's not a major issue.

Also, the ending didn't really connect with the training session. I was expecting Johnson to have to make a difficult choice about protecting himself over his partner or the woman they are rescuing. Instead he made his choice pretty quickly and without a second of thought. This was less dramatic to me.

Overall, I enjoyed the story and would love to see a longer script with this concept.

[Noel Evans]

Aye Captain. Agree with some of the comments made. The other thing was we really didnt get any character description of Johnson and Phillips apart from attire.

I think this is a cool concept and enjoyed the story. Thanks for writing.

[Captain Pierce]

Wow, when you say it has an Orson Scott Card feel, mjjason--considering I just got done reading Ender's Game and Speaker for the Dead again recently--that's pretty high praise. :) Technically, I think Johnson got just about a "second of thought" to make his decision, but not much more... :D Seriously, though, I guess what I was going for was that the Sergeant gave Johnson the rules to live (and die) by, and Johnson followed them without thinking too much. As Johnson himself says about his "mistake" in training: "I wasn't thinking, I was reacting." The Sarge's job is to give Johnson a new set of reactions, and it's by following those that Johnson can redeem himself. (And I did consider something more along the lines of what you suggest at first, but I couldn't make it work. Phillips goes down for real, and Johnson leaves him to save the civvie--it follows pretty well from the training setup, but I never figured a way to give it any dramatic potential. Alex's idea of one of them having to take the other out is probably the best idea I've seen along those lines, but it never crossed my mind.)

Noel, the reason I didn't give much beyond attire and age was that I didn't think anything else mattered. Black, white, Asian, Arab, Persian, whatever--the fact that they're young grunts is the important thing. Given that it's SF, now that I think of it, even the question of "male or female" doesn't even matter.

Thank you both for reading. :)

[thartley]

First, the idea and story are excellent. The amount of dialog seemed too much. Maybe break it up with some action. His mistake in the training scenario was highlighted in the first part there, and with no time for another training run, the next time he is tested is in a live environment. Maybe showing a bit more of "does he heed the lesson from the day before or will he still fall into his previous training instincts" would make his decision in the end more powerful. Not sure, I could be way off. I need to care more about that man, though. I need something to make me feel something when he fires that shot, hurt that he had to go, but pride that he had the guts to do what he knew was necessary for the greater good.

Great story. :beer:

[agalla1]

Great story...kinda pictured a bit of "Predator" in the scenes...I am still a little confused about the Faniki...I would have liked a little more illustration on their purpose.....the dramatic last shot was definitely a great touch! Overall a great read...very entertaining!

[Captain Pierce]

thartley--I see what you mean. I was hoping to have just what you mentioned there already, but I admit it could use some more work.

agalla--I certainly took some inspiration from the Predators. :) Particularly in the aspect of the high-tech/low-tech mixture.

Thanks for reading.