The Vanishing

[preston]

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11343/1217854350.jpg


"A dark secret lies just beyond the edge of the woods."

[alex whitmer]

Dramatic poster.

A

[conlanforever]

Sweet poster Preston. Love the colors. The poster alone makes me want to read it.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

I agree. Great looking poster!

[preston]

hey thanks guys... i'm all for "DVX PosterFest"... haha

i'm looking forward to reading a bunch of cool scripts very soon!

[jamiejay]

i love the poster!

[nitramlehcar]

I still dream about "the man in the woods." :eek:

[nitramlehcar]

SPOILERS













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awwww.....does naked Daddy go rabid?? That's so sad!! :crybaby:

[alex whitmer]

Hey Preston, enjoyed the read.




SPOILERS







TECHIE STUFF



This ...

Complete silence from the woods as the boy continues to call
his dog in vain.

You never mention BOY goes into the woods. I assume he did?

Well now this is odd – the only one with a proper name in the whole the script is the dog! How long has this been going on?

This ...

The garage door is open and a man, the boy’s DAD,

We don’t know the relationship of these two. Maybe just DAD will suffice.

This ...

The dad gets up

Since you have chosen Dad as this character’s name, then just say Dad without ‘the’. You wouldn’t say The Bruce or The Mary, so don’t say The dad.

Page 2

This ...

BOY
Uh-uh. I don’t hear anything. Dad,
where is he?

Reading ahead, you’re kinda going way overkill on ‘Dad’ in dialogue. Lose a few.

Page 3

This ...

OFFICER
What are we going to do, chief?

Same deal with chief. It just doesn’t feel natural.

This ...

(headset filter effect)

Just kinda floating there. Shouldn’t it be with dialogue?

This ...

PILOT
We gotta get these news birds outta
here before they kill somebody.


Make a quick action line reference what they are talking about, like they see five choppers hovering nearby or something. I realize there is a ref earlier, but just remind your reader. Be kind – remind!!

Page 4

This exchange ...

COP
I can’t see anything, the trees are
too thick. Get me a little lower.

PILOT
I can’t go much lower with all
these trees, it’s not safe.

COP
A little closer. I think there’s
something down there, under the
trees.

Trees, trees, trees. I think you can lose the second and third.

Page 5

This ...

The boy begins to cry and buries his head in his hands. The
crowd is silenced by a faint, low-pitched ......

The boy’s action needs to be separate from the rest. They are not directly related.

Page 6

This ...

OFFICER
Chief? Chief, what just happened?
What was that?

Is this officer really stupid or something? All his lines are the same ‘what was that ..’

This ...

just awoken from a coma ...

I think ‘woken’ somehow feels better here. Saves a syllable.


STORY

Well, I was expecting a creature, and was surprised by the spaceship. I like the payoff at the end, but wouldn’t somebody notice the eyes, like the Mom? Wives notice everything, even from 30 yards out - or it too late? We’re doomed?

Solid story. Just lose all the dad and chief stuff to lighten up the read.

[arroway]

The Vanishing: this is a very cool and creepy concept that I think is hampered by the dialogue which leans to melodramatic end of the spectrum. the conversation between the boy and his dad, and the police all seem like 50’s tv dialog. There isn’t a trace of subtlety to it which makes the whole thing seem sort of funny when it should be terrifying. strive for more understatement. less is almost always more with screenwriting.



this would also be very expensive to produce. i think that if you were to take some of the more outlandish effects out and think up cheaper alternatives, you might be surprised to find your script revised for the better, not to mention actually becoming viable for someone to direct.

[preston]

The Vanishing: this is a very cool and creepy concept that I think is hampered by the dialogue which leans to melodramatic end of the spectrum. the conversation between the boy and his dad, and the police all seem like 50’s tv dialog. There isn’t a trace of subtlety to it which makes the whole thing seem sort of funny when it should be terrifying. strive for more understatement. less is almost always more with screenwriting.

thank you for reading and for your review. i know what you mean about the dialog; it's definitely something i need to work on. this is my first script, other than a few pages of dialog for my dramafest entry. this is exactly why i participated in this fest, to practice writing and to get feedback on how to make it better. thanks again!



this would also be very expensive to produce. i think that if you were to take some of the more outlandish effects out and think up cheaper alternatives, you might be surprised to find your script revised for the better, not to mention actually becoming viable for someone to direct.

why does it have to be viable to direct? who cares how expensive it would be to produce? this is scriptfest, not to mention SCI-FI genre. nobody said we had to "watch the budget".

[arroway]

why does it have to be viable to direct? who cares how expensive it would be to produce? this is scriptfest, not to mention SCI-FI genre. nobody said we had to "watch the budget".

you're correct that budget has no bearing on the contest (although i think it should as it's much easier to rely on effects than come up with something both interesting and cheap) however, writing a short script that's impossible to film is like crafting a recipe with ingredients you can't procure. even if you're new to screenwriting and just trying to get your feet wet why not do something that actually has the potential to be made?

[alex whitmer]

I don't see where the big cost issue is. Most if not all the effects, including the helicopters in the sky, can be created digitally.

One can probably find a crop duster willing to go up for a few bucks to get some live footage inside a chopper, and a few bird's-eye-views.

Alex

[preston]

complete silence from the woods as the boy continues to call
his dog in vain.

you never mention boy goes into the woods. I assume he did?

no, the boy does not go into the woods, only the dog here. if it's not clear, i'll try to figure out how to fix it. any suggestions?


well now this is odd – the only one with a proper name in the whole the script is the dog! How long has this been going on?

yeah, i thought it was kind of clever to only name the dog properly, mainly because people often use titles when talking to each other, instead of using actual names. like kids do when they talk to parents...



well, i was expecting a creature, and was surprised by the spaceship. I like the payoff at the end, but wouldn’t somebody notice the eyes, like the mom? Wives notice everything, even from 30 yards out - or it too late? We’re doomed?

solid story. Just lose all the dad and chief stuff to lighten up the read.

you're right, the wife would notice immediately that something was different about her husband. point taken. i'll give the daughter's line to the wife instead.

i'm glad you liked the story, and thank you for all the tech notes. i'll apply them in a re-write.

[preston]

you're correct that budget has no bearing on the contest (although i think it should as it's much easier to rely on effects than come up with something both interesting and cheap) however, writing a short script that's impossible to film is like crafting a recipe with ingredients you can't procure. even if you're new to screenwriting and just trying to get your feet wet why not do something that actually has the potential to be made?

i have no intention of shooting this film, so why would i write for my budget and skill level? that's not what this fest is about - it's about the writing.

i don't think my script relies on effects to make it interesting. lose the whole chopper scene and it doesn't take away from the story one bit.

not to sound argumentative, but i happen to have access to a helicopter and a pilot willing to take me up any time, so if i wanted, i could shoot most of this myself. also, i could get another friend to spit out a chopper going down in the woods digitally. all of this would cost me nothing.

the hard part (for me) would be getting all the emergency vehicles, cop cars and news vans. but it could be done. it's not impossible, even on a small budget.

but that's not the point! it's about the writing. that's why i'm here - to practice writing, and to learn from others.

[Redcloak]

This kind of idea is a fantastic one, and it is well evoked, although I agree with the dialogue criticism.

I think 'The Vanishing' is an odd title, I infer a sense of not coming back from the title myself. Others may disagree.

My main criticism is that it feels derivative. It basically is the start of Invaders from Mars with The Midwitch Cuckoos thrown in. Having said that, Invaders is a classic, and I love Village of the Damned too, so if you're going to borrow then I guess you've gone to the right place.

[preston]

wow, i looked up those films (+ book), and you're right. very similar. now i want to go watch them!

thanks for the review....

[Redcloak]

If you've honestly never seen them then give yourself a pat on the back. The premises they both begin on are brilliant, and you've come up with that yourself you're doing something right.

Invaders from Mars even has the dog disappearing bit too I'm afraid. It's a dodgy and very dated movie, but worth seeing for the classic 'two marks on the back of his neck!' stuff.

And John Wyndham's books are all worth reading, they've never managed to do him well on film imho.

Aaaaanyway, now I fancy watching them again too... :)

[preston]

honestly, i have never seen them... i don't watch sci-fi often, much less read it.

thanks again. i'll look for Invaders. :)

[nitramlehcar]

Don't say "invaders."

[david jerome]

I liked the story Preston. It made me think of the movie Signs for some reason. Maybe it has the same kind of uneasy waiting to it. I really want to know what happens next to old blue eyes. But I think for a short film it works great the way it is. It leaves you feeling uneasy. And a little sad for us dog lovers.

[jamiejay]

Loved it! Definitely had the perfect mysterious tone that kept the reader on the edge of their seat wondering what the hell was going on. And I love how you leave us with the sense of impending doom. I like how you never follow any of the characters into the woods as they vanish so that we have no idea what is happening until we see the spaceship. Dialogue is always tricky and it can be hard to make it sound natural. Still, it wasn't a distraction for me. :)

[nitramlehcar]

I will forever be wary of people with those eyes now...dogs too.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Yes, it seemed a bit too familiar to me but I did enjoy it nonetheless.
I also have a feeling that everyone would have went directly into a quarantine unit. No way would they be allowed to mingle with the public/family, but that's probably being a little picky.

Nice work overall.

Cheers,

Mike

[jamiejay]

I also have a feeling that everyone would have went directly into a quarantine unit. No way would they be allowed to mingle with the public/family



They wouldn't think to put them directly into quarantine because they had no idea what happened to them. The space craft didn't show up until right before they came out of the woods so they wouldn't be thinking aliens. Also, they didn't expect them to come out of the woods and, when they did, people were just happy to see them.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

They wouldn't think to put them directly into quarantine because they had no idea what happened to them. The space craft didn't show up until right before they came out of the woods so they wouldn't be thinking aliens. Also, they didn't expect them to come out of the woods and, when they did, people were just happy to see them.Like I said, I was being picky. I think enough happened beforehand with all the cops disappearing that something would have been set up around the perimeter and they wouldn't have been just allowed to walk out. Just my opinion and not a big deal really.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Just finished this one. I really like the dialog of the police chief; very realistic.

In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film.

If you're gonna show the dog becoming rabid, you might as well show the dad doing it too at the last second. Or just fade to black with the sounds of the dad changing, and everyone worrying about him and asking him what's wrong instead of the dog.

Good mystery though, and intriguing to read.

[ghalied]

I have to second MiataFilmSomething on "In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film."

I think this would be a visually interesting short, but the script itself kinda taxed my imagination to make it interesting. There wasn't enough plot action for me to grasp onto when I read through it quickly the first time. Still liked it though, good work.

[preston]

Just finished this one. I really like the dialog of the police chief; very realistic.

In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film.

If you're gonna show the dog becoming rabid, you might as well show the dad doing it too at the last second. Or just fade to black with the sounds of the dad changing, and everyone worrying about him and asking him what's wrong instead of the dog.

Good mystery though, and intriguing to read.

thank you... you're the first to compliment the dialog, haha. i'll definitely be re-writing most of it, but maybe i can salvage the chief's lines.

i'm glad you like the story, thank you. i do think it's "average"/basic, especially for SCI-FI, but since i really don't have any writing experience, and this genre is one i usually avoid, i didn't want a dense, complicated storyline. i knew that for me, it would have been a disaster. so i tried to "keep it simple".

thanks for reading and for your comments.



I have to second MiataFilmSomething on "In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film."

I think this would be a visually interesting short, but the script itself kinda taxed my imagination to make it interesting. There wasn't enough plot action for me to grasp onto when I read through it quickly the first time. Still liked it though, good work.

and thank you as well. i know there are ways i can find to make a simple story more interesting, and i will try.. as for plot action, i was hoping to rely on suspense to drive the story, but i realized it was kind-of boring... and then i decided it would be fun to bring down one of those choppers!

thanks for reading...

[preston]

Yes, it seemed a bit too familiar to me but I did enjoy it nonetheless.
I also have a feeling that everyone would have went directly into a quarantine unit. No way would they be allowed to mingle with the public/family, but that's probably being a little picky.

Nice work overall.

Cheers,

Mike

quarantine never crossed my mind... i'm glad you still enjoyed it though.

thanks Mike.

[conlanforever]

I thought this was very solid. I thought you did a really great job building the suspense and creating a mysterious event.

The dialogue was a little wooden in places, but dialogue is tough. I know it's something I still struggle with.

I was hoping for something a bit more unique than a spaceship and I thought you did elude to it with the eyes and the dog growling. So that saved it for me, gave something that seemed old hat a different twist. I think you wanted to leave it a little open ended and I'm fine with that. But I would've liked to have seen a hint more of the effects on Dad and the other people before the end.

I liked your description of the events and thought you wrote the action really well. I liked the helicopter going down silently. It upped the suspense of the events and the mystery around it.

Overall I thought it was a good script and I enjoyed reading it. For a first script it really shows a lot of potential.

[nitramlehcar]

Don't say "little wooden." :2vrolijk_08:

[agalla1]

I like the old timey appeal to the script...it has a "twilight zone" essence to it..I can even see it in black and white.


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Nice touch at the end with the differences in their appearance...I would like to read more so I can find what they do now that they are back in in society with such obvious changes! Great job!

[preston]

I thought this was very solid. I thought you did a really great job building the suspense and creating a mysterious event.

The dialogue was a little wooden in places, but dialogue is tough. I know it's something I still struggle with.

I was hoping for something a bit more unique than a spaceship and I thought you did elude to it with the eyes and the dog growling. So that saved it for me, gave something that seemed old hat a different twist. I think you wanted to leave it a little open ended and I'm fine with that. But I would've liked to have seen a hint more of the effects on Dad and the other people before the end.

I liked your description of the events and thought you wrote the action really well. I liked the helicopter going down silently. It upped the suspense of the events and the mystery around it.

Overall I thought it was a good script and I enjoyed reading it. For a first script it really shows a lot of potential.

wow, thanks. i was really expecting to get slammed for this script, but for the most part, the response has been surprisingly positive.

i tried to keep it simple, story-wise, but i still wanted to convey suspense and confusion as the over-all feel. of course, there's nothing like a little action thrown in to keep a story moving.

thanks for reading; i'm glad you liked it. :dankk2:

[pauly_the_hitman]

Good story. I dug the eye bit at the end.
Pauly

[MrKilloran]

Oh man, leavin me with a hanger like that for an ending, subtle but effective ... and very unfair.

Good job with the script.

[thartley]

Oh I like these sorts of stories. It had a very Dean Koontz feel to it, for anyone familiar with his books. I liked the dog being in it. Humans will always have an element of deceptiveness in their nature, but a dog just cuts to the chase. :)

And now I am afraid of David Bowie and some huskies as well.

Good story and nicely played at the end.

[preston]

Oh man, leavin me with a hanger like that for an ending, subtle but effective ... and very unfair.

Good job with the script.

thanks; glad you liked it.



Oh I like these sorts of stories. It had a very Dean Koontz feel to it, for anyone familiar with his books. I liked the dog being in it. Humans will always have an element of deceptiveness in their nature, but a dog just cuts to the chase. :)

And now I am afraid of David Bowie and some huskies as well.

Good story and nicely played at the end.

oh my god, you're right!

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/11343/1219285618.jpg

i didn't know that about him. that is so cool...

thanks for reading, i'm glad you enjoyed the story. :dankk2:

[Captain Pierce]

I thought this was a solid mystery/suspense piece with a nice sci-fi twist at the end. The chopper disappearing is a nice touch.

Overall, I agree with the comments on the dialog being somewhat unrealistic, but I do like the way you avoided giving the characters names that wouldn't be used anyway. The boy's Dad, for example, is only going to be referred to as "Dad" by the boy, so he doesn't really need a name. I thought that was a nice touch.