Jon's Fall

[conlanforever]

:beer:

[conlanforever]

On a day when the city's sky is filled with screams, a man races against time to save his family and will discover that one small mistake may have great consequences.

[Captain Pierce]

Is it too early to ask how many giant handguns you've worked into this one? :D

[preston]

sounds cool... i look forward to reading...

[conlanforever]

Ah good Captain Pierce, I had to put in a bulk order this time around. I really wanted guns ablazing, but when the first draft came in at ten pages I had to cut out four pages of giant handguns ;)
You probably won't even recognize that its my script.

Thanks Preston, I hope you enjoy the read! I lived in Tampa for 14 years, just moved back to Michigan a few years ago.

[conlanforever]

upload is complete

[Judgement]

nice log line

[conlanforever]

Thanks Judgement.

I hope the story plays out well after I hacked it down 4 1/2 pages.

I couldn't get a poster designed the way I liked it.

So I'll just call this a "Script Grab" :cheesy:

[krestofre]

The suspence in this script is through the roof! Excellent pacing. The visual of the blue flashes is stellar and the reveal of what's happening is really clever.

****SPOILERS****

The only question I have about the script is if Jon really was behind the disaster, why would he spend so much time talking to the detectives? I'd think his priority would be to blitz past them in an effort to save his family, not stop and chat.

Aside from that, this is a very good script.

[conlanforever]

Krestofre, I wanted to keep the suspense ratcheted up a bit, so I'm glad to hear it came across.

I actually cut and/or condensed a lot of the stuff after Jon gets to the Station where law enforcement confronts him to get to the 6 page limit..
But the main reason he can't go after his family immediately is because the door has been locked down and the cops have to cut through the hinges. Maybe this fact lost some clarity in condensation.

Thanks for reading and the kind words and comments..

[MrKilloran]

Great job, I loved every second of this script ... cool visuals, a nice style of writing, it definitely had me wanting a few more pages to keep the story going.

[Judgement]

An EXCELLENCE well develop script!
Along with the clear mistake of the character- noticeable !

[conlanforever]

MrKilloran, Judgement - thank you for the kind words, it's much appreciated.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Very good script. A neat idea.

Pros: I loved the suspense and the concept. You made excellent use of the time allowed, and it had a great beginning and ending. I also liked the concept of the frogs in Magnolia, only with people:)

Cons: For some reason, I just couldn't believe that people would not have seen what was going on sooner. It shouldn't have taken that long for people to figure out that with the blue flashes in the sky, it's the same as the PTS, and #1- to avoid it, and #2, the guards could have gone up and blocked the tubes and not allowed people to go through them.

Overall though, great story, suspense, and emotion.

[conlanforever]

Thanks for reading MFS.

My intention was that the Wayport would actually be locked down and communications and control would be cut off.
So no one could enter or leave and the thousands of people that were already in the Wayport would be unaware of what was going on outside.
So once the wayport was actually locked down, no new passengers could get in even if they wanted to and you're right they wouldn't want to anyway.

I appreciate the comments.

[seansshack]

Good story that shows you have a strong imagination and great use of visuals. with the first person falling I had to read it again, as it kind of took me by surprise (which means it should make for a great moment/scene if filmed).

I needed more as I feel this would make a great 10-15 minute short as it is I felt we need more background/story. But for six pages, you crammed in a lot.

Well done and best of luck with it.

[nitramlehcar]

IT'S RAINING MEN...HALLELUJAH! (oooh..that should be playing on the truck radio)

I really enjoyed this story. It actually upset me a bit reading it, which is good, I think. I especially liked the last moment in the portal smiling at Jon. Eerie. Perfect title too!

[conlanforever]

Sean - If you were surprised than I accomplished my purpose, glad to hear it. Thank you for the kind words.

Rachael - Raining men lol. I'm glad you liked it and I'm happy to hear the script evoked a response from you, even if it was being upset ;)
Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it.

[alex whitmer]

Love this ...

Painfully peaceful ELEVATOR MUSIC

You get an extra star for that one.

A small issue with this ...


A BODY plummets from the sky and CRASHES into the bed of the
truck

Wouldn't that render the truck close to useless

This ...


My God, you sayin' if I don't get
coffee.

Are these typos


Story


I think you handled the urgency really well.

A most excellent story. Sad how the karma had to work out, but that's life.

Great touch with the card, added a personal depth, and left you MC with something that will haunt him.

Didn't he know about the camera

Really, really enoyed this piece. Nice original concept.

alex

[conlanforever]

Alex

I appreciate the kind words.

I admit I had a small issue with the truck/falling body incident. This is how I justified it to myself. If the truck's bed is up in the air when the body hits it, this would help slow the momentum and lessen the impact when the truck hits the ground. In the future trucks will have greatly improved construction and suspension.
Most important of all(but the least justifiable), I thought it was cool and wanted to keep it in the script :)

The next issue, no those are not typos. But my attempt at realistic dialogue. I'm still working on it.

Jon did know about the camera and the "octopus" code was supposed to corrupt the security video. Which it did to a certain degree, but the tech was able to recover a lot of it, even though the picture was still in bad shape.

I'm glad you liked the card. I put it in on my last draft. I thought the story needed a little more emotional punch.

Thanks for taking the time for a thorough critique, I appreciate it.

I had a very lengthy review from you on my Scriptfest 1 script. I had a lot of ING and tense problems. I also had a few issues with writing action "the way you want to see it unfold on screen" and some other tech issues. I copied it and pasted it into a word document and referenced it while I was writing this script. So thanks for that as well.

[preston]

caution - spoilers ahead! (sorry)

russell,

after reading your script, i had a few questions about the story, what exactly happened, and why. you've pretty much answered them in previous posts here, #20 in particular, so i won't ask again. :thumbup:

great writing. pacing was good and matched the urgency of the plot. i really enjoyed imagining the pickup truck barreling through the park field while falling bodies rip the hot-air balloons to shreds. wouldn't that look amazing on screen...

to me it seemed like you really enjoyed the writing process. maybe it's the pacing; it felt like you wrote it about as fast as i read it, like you couldn't stop until it was done. does that even make sense? sorry if it doesn't.

thank you for sharing your script with us. :)

[pauly_the_hitman]

^SPOILER^

I think this is my favorite script so far. I am reading and commenting on each one as I read them. But I must say this is the most original and exciting story yet. I am not usually surprised in films and I just wasn't sure I wanted to believe it might have been him. So great job.
Pauly

[STYLZ]

Very nice. My favorite so far. Great Sci-Fi aspect. Great story. Well written. Great job.

[conlanforever]

Preston - It makes perfect sense and I'm glad it felt that way. Hopefully that means that you really felt the urgency of it.
I'm glad the hot air balloon scene came across visually. I wanted to try and think of a unique situation. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Pauly - Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it. I'm glad to hear you didn't want to believe he did it, makes me feel like I was successful in setting it up.

Stylz - I'm happy to hear it connected with you. Thanks for the read and the compliments. Much appreciated.

[preston]

^SPOILER^


fixed, sorry!

[Samantha Hazard]

(spoilers)
I enjoyed this script and was actually horrified when people started dropping out of the sky... well done in the story dept!!!

[Nektonic]

SPOILERS

Great job. I really enjoyed this story. I liked the way you used the concept of instantaneous transportation as a catalyst for the story. Usually when one thinks of that type of technology the first thing that springs to mind is the Transporter from Star Trek. I like that you thought up a new and terrifying way to exploit this technology for a story.

There was a lot of good stuff in this script. Characters were well developed in a short time. I liked the race to get to the transport station. Good action and suspense. I didn't see the end coming. Good little twist at the end, although I don't know if that would work as well if this were a feature or longer short script, but for a 6 page short the darker irony you ended on is satisfying.

I don't really have anything bad to say about Jon's Fall. A few nitpicks would be that I wish there was a little more info on the transport tech -- is it quantum teleportation? Is it using some sort of manmade wormholes? The story works without more of this info but I personally find it interesting and it adds some more credibility to the imaginary technology for those not as well versed in science and science fiction.

Some of the action scene description (mainly the race to PTS), while well done, could maybe be fleshed out a bit. I'm guessing the 6 page limit caused some compression here when normally there would be a bit more detail. Don't get me wrong, it works, but I think it would be even more riveting if you gave the action sequence some breathing room.

Again, good job man. I would love to see this produced due to some great visuals and some exciting action wrapped up in a good story. I enjoyed God's Warehouse from the first scriptfest. I think you topped it though with this one. If my name was Ebert I'd give this one a thumbs up.

[jamiejay]

This was one of my favorites so far as well. I think you handled it nicely. I even like how you tried to mislead any reader who might have been on to the fact that Jon was responsible with his supposed horror that he might have caused the deadly episode by going to get some coffee.

I was thinking that someone would have shut down the system way before they did, but your explanation suffices. :)

Excellent work here!

[conlanforever]

Samantha - thanks for the kind words. I would say horrified is probably the appropriate response. Thanks for reading.

Nektonic - Thanks for the thorough review. The compliments are much appreciated. You are correct I hacked a lot of descriptions and detail out. The script originally came in at about 10 1/2 pages.
I also combined the action blocks in some spots to save room as well.
Glad to hear it still worked for you for the most part. I'll take all the thumbs I can get!

jamiejay - Thank you, glad to hear you liked it, thanks for taking the time to comment.

[conlanforever]

Nektonic said "I enjoyed God's Warehouse from the first scriptfest. I think you topped it though with this one."

(I messed up the quote thing.)

Thats the great thing about these fests. I learned so much from the feedback I got in the first scriptfest and I applied it to this script. I'm glad to hear that it shows. I owe it to all the great critiques I received.
I'm learning more from the critiques in this fest. There are so many good writers here.

[Captain Pierce]

Conlan,

Liked the concept, and the script overall, but a couple of things puzzled me. Maybe it's a "just me" sort of thing, but here we go. :)

First, the PTS is a "gigantic room" with "thousands of people" waiting in line--and yet it's only got one entrance that can easily be sealed off? (On my first read, I somehow got the impression that the sealed-off room was a control room of some sort, and then was confused why they just didn't get the people out of line to go into the "transporters, so had to go back and figure out where I'd gone wrong.) Seems a bit of a fire code problem. ;)

Second, is this a one-way-only facility, outbound? No incoming traffic? I guess it kind of has to be for the story, because any arriving passengers would notice that single entrance/exit sealed and possibly start a panic, but it seems a waste of space to have an entirely separate "gigantic room" as an arrival terminal.

I think I just hit on the crucial element of what I'm trying to say--it just seems there's a few too many things that are the way they are just for the sake of the story. And Lord knows we've all done that, I'm sure somebody could go to either of my entries and justifiably raise the same critique; these just stuck out to me in this script.

Overall, though, you've got a great concept, lots of great moments (finding the card, of course, and I was just struck by the idea of the technician giving his "I got it!" speech to absolutely nobody, since all the cops are presumably chasing Jon into the station : ), and a solid story; and I enjoyed the read.

[conlanforever]

Thanks for reading and commenting Captain Pierce. I appreciate it.
I don't think its just "you". Because you bring up some good points and I have two solid answers and one never occurred to me to include in the script at all.

These were mostly lost to space limitations with the 6 pages. I hacked away a lot of stuff mostly in the race to the PTS and with the cops at the PTS.

I originally had more about all the entrances being in lock down(and other stuff about the situation) and more discussion between the Captain and Andersen.
At one point I whittled it down to Andersen just saying all the entrances are in lockdown and then whittled that down to "its in lockdown" to encompass that and everything else (including an alarm system inside the Wayport station).

At the end of this script I was pulling my hair out (its growing back in nicely), because one or two words in the wrong place was pushing me into page seven. So I went back continuously and cut stuff out or condensed it down to its simplest form.

I always imagined that the there was a seprate room for incoming. Though I admit it never occurred to me to address it at all in the script.

When the Tech shouts out its meant to appear simultaneously as Jon rushes down the tube, so there would still be cops in the room, though enroute to the wayport tube. (but I see how it might be unclear)

Captain Tenor is still in the room, he wouldn't run anywhere.
I lost some personal description and mannerisms on him as well. I really had him coming across as an arrogant preening peacock, but that got whittled down to "slick and overly groomed " and a few dismissive hand waves.

Hope that answers your questions suitably and thanks again for taking the time to read and get me feedback. Damn! Maybe a few strategically placed giant handguns would have won you over ;)

[conlanforever]

A few notes on the script.

A lot of stuff about the Wayport Station got hacked.
The main reason this room is so hard to get into, is that all the PTS buildings double as bomb shelters. Thats why the doors can be sealed and the building is built the way it is. It's meant to be impregnable, they just never thought it would be used against them.

911 actually influenced my idea for the story. The transport system, the bomb shelter, were things we built, but it never occurred to us that they could be used against us. Like commercial airplanes.

What was never in any version of the script is why we have bomb shelters. I was envisioning a new cold war in the future. The other super power being China of course. Paranoia is at an all time high about bombs and communism. History repeats itself.

I had this as a backstory in my head, but never wrote it. I knew I'd never have enough room to go into any of that.

More backstory that never made it to the page.

The Freedom Militia, a terrorist group in our own backyard. Well organized and financed (possibly by other countries?)and completely radical. They are fed up with being overly governed, freedoms taken away and big brother. Big brother is listening and watching everything all the time.

Its only gotten worse with the rise of China and communism. The government is more paranoid than ever and todays Patriot Act is small potatos compared to the new Safe America Act. We are seeing communist witch hunts again led by certain government officials.

Okay enough rambling. Thanks to all for the constructive feedback I've received in the scriptfest. Its a great learning experience.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Great script! Held on to me and wouldn't let me go.

Very intense! I could visualize it quite clearly.

Mike

[conlanforever]

Thank you Mike. I really appreciate it.

[Captain Pierce]

At the end of this script I was pulling my hair out (its growing back in nicely), because one or two words in the wrong place was pushing me into page seven.

I hear you--I had the same thing on my first idea, except that in my case it was page 8. :D It gradually dawned on me that maybe this was not the right piece for this fest... In your case I can understand going for it, though.

The stuff I mentioned didn't create huge deal-breaking plot holes for me as I was reading, it was more the kind of thing you thought back on later. "Well, wait a minute--what about..."


I always imagined that the there was a seprate room for incoming. Though I admit it never occurred to me to address it at all in the script.

My assumption that they would be combined is probably just due to waaaaaaaaaay too many Star Trek episodes where the one transporter pad does it all. :) (Although it does also follow from any sort of train/subway/bus station analogy--the outgoing people take the place of the people who have just come in.) Really, when I stop and think about it, separate arrival and departure "pads" makes sense for a public transport application of this technology, to minimize the chance of somebody being in the way when the incoming traffic materializes.

Anyway, easily fixed in a script not limited by the page count, by showing both buildings with simple sign that points left for arrivals and right for departures. :)


When the Tech shouts out its meant to appear simultaneously as Jon rushes down the tube, so there would still be cops in the room, though enroute to the wayport tube. (but I see how it might be unclear)

I was the one who was unclear there--I knew that you hadn't written it that way, it was more of an idea that came to me as I was typing the post.


Maybe a few strategically placed giant handguns would have won you over ;)

Can you just imagine the feedback on that? "Why does it matter how large Captain Tenor's handgun is? He never even uses it!" :D

[conlanforever]

can you just imagine the feedback on that? "why does it matter how large captain tenor's handgun is? He never even uses it!" :d

lol!!

[Noel Evans]

I think everyone has pretty much covered the "questions" and thoughts.

What I want to say is what a great script idea. I was right there on the street watching the blue flashes and the people falling.

[jasonthewho]

Have you seen The Happening? I'm not really recommending it, but it also features people falling from the skies, but for a very different reason.

This was a great story idea, and very well executed. Lots of good comments have been made in this thread already, but I do have a few minor things.

One is that the pacing is so great most of the time that I feel like the scene when Jon arrives in the control room throws it off. The script feels like it's about to climax then it stops dead in its tracks for a page. Maybe all the scene needs is some extra urgency.

I also found the title, though highly appropriate and with a double meaning, to not really grab me. It made me think the movie was going to be a lot more mundane than it was.

Anyways, this was an excellent script. I love your set-ups/pay-offs, and your great visual images. Good job!

[conlanforever]

Noel thanks again, I'm happy to hear that the images were that vivid for you.

Jason, thanks for the comments. When I was writing it or rather condensing it. I actually felt the same way as far as the page when Jon gets to the Station. That the brakes were applied a bit, I think if I could have been able to spread that exposition stuff out a little it might have helped a bit. But I kind of had to hit it all at once. Which I think quite a few people had the space problem.

A title didn't really jump out at me for this script, like on my first two scripts that I wrote. But then I'm talking to the "titlemeister" that came up with titles like "The Five Worst Days of Bartholomew Saxton" and "Grimples and the Golden Scroll" :thumbsup:

Thanks again for reading , the feedback and the kind words. Its much appreciated.

[jasonthewho]

Well, I've been writing a feature for four years now, and I still haven't found a title that satisfies me.

I think sometimes titles come easy, sometimes not. And so many good ones have already been taken.

[agalla1]

Very good read...I found myself reading very quickly to hurry up and get to the end to see what happened...and then found myself rereading it so I could take it all in! lol!

Spoiler........................................... ..........


Spoiler........................................... ..........


Spoiler........................................... ..........


I was hoping somehow it all worked out but when it didn't and he knew it was his fault...yeah...great mistake with major consequences!

[mjjason]

This was a good read. The pacing was brisk throughout and it was easy to get caught up in the action. Though I would say that it was obvious early on that Jon was in on it as his demeanor was off in the first scene.

Also, why was he rushing his family away while he was still going to work? Wouldn't he have tried to leave town as well or did he assume that the video was destroyed?

I would love to get the backstory as to why he did it. Overall, good script.

[conlanforever]

Thank you Agalla for both reads :) I appreciate the kind words.

mjjason, thanks for reading.

Jon didn't want to leave town and incur anymore suspicion on himself, also he would be there to tell the police that he had been away from his post when Roger was there.
Jon did assume that the video would be completely destroyed, he was told by the FM that it would be. The FM was more concerned with the actual event then whether Jon got caught or not.

I knew it would be too easy to say he just did it for the money. Unless the money meant more to him than just its monetary value.
Jon was raised in a house where money was valued above all else. Money and material objects. His Father ingrained this in his head along with a healthy dose of criticism and plenty of denigration.
Jon heads off to college encumbered with insecurities, no self confidence and the pressure to succeed financially, even though he was only a mediocre high school student, not from lack of effort.
He leaves college with a business degree near the bottom of his class. Father is relentless in putting pressure on him to succeed financially and continues to pick apart Jon's every decision.
Jon fails to ignite a career in business and begins to work as a security guard at the PTS.

He meets Teri at Art gallery. Jon is there deciding if maybe he should invest in art, even though he is broke and knows little about it. Teri has a sincere love for art. She sees something in Jon, maybe sees that he is broken and feels she can change him. Teri is genuine person with a nurturing soul. She also comes from money.

This puts more pressure on Jon. He feels he has to do everything he can to provide her with luxury. Teri insists its okay, she is sincerely happy to just be together. But Jon doesn't believe this.
They have Meg. Jon sends her to private school, he showers his wife and daughter with gifts, clothes, jewelry. A new car, though its a few years old by the time the script takes place. He is in over his head.

Jon fails to get promoted for two seperate management positions at the PTS. He feels more inadequate than ever. This combined with the ever present scrutiny of his father, the pressure he feels to give Teri and Meg a better life and the mounting debt triggers his acceptance of the FM's offer.

Jon is so focused on the financial side of the deal with the FM, that he pushes the negative side out of his mind. He knows something bad will happen but is not told exactly what it will be. Its easier for him not to know, he doesn't have to imagine it.

When he sees it happening on the street he is shook to the core and horrified at what he's a part of, of course he doesn't have long to contemplate it after he hears the message from his wife.

Thanks for the comments and the interest.

[AJ Brooks]

SPOILERS, I think.....
.
.
.
.

It reminded me of magnolia with the frogs,...except people. lol. Great script. Really enjoyed the setup and delivery. Great work!

[conlanforever]

AJ, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

Somebody else mentioned the Magnolia connection. It never struck me til they said it, but I can certainly see the connection, of course this would be a little messier ;)

[preston]

congrats to you and to Jon's Fall!! :thumbsup:

[conlanforever]

Thanks Preston, I appreciate it.