"Days of reckoning"

[Noel Evans]

When you lift the veil, then may you see the truth.

[Judgement]

Sounds very interesting! I think I would enjoying reading this one!

[seansshack]

yep. Good tag line.

[Russell Moore]

You have peaked my interest with the tagline.

[Noel Evans]

Sadly I have had less time than I really would like, so it will be a mad rush to the end. But its happening and I think the storyline is solid.

[Noel Evans]

Im done! Though I actually mistyped the title - it should be Day of - not days of. doh.

[seansshack]

My excuse for typos and bad grammer/passive writing?

I'm a story teller, not an English teacher.

[Noel Evans]

Heh I meant thread title here. But thats a good one.

[Mark Harris]

I thought "Days of Reckoning" a little more interesting that just "Day," actually. :) Bit of a twist on a familiar phrase.

[Noel Evans]

I agree Mark. I suppose you could interpret whats in the script as days. May leave it that way.

[alex whitmer]

days of doh

Am I mis-reading this?

Hey, definitely looking forward to reading it.

a

[Noel Evans]

HEH That would also be a good title - Days of... DOH!

Cheers Alex. Im still thinking there might be a complete title change. The premise remains the same.

[Noel Evans]

Uploaded!

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Love the banner!

Cheers,

Mike

[jamiejay]

i agree... i like "days of reckoning". very apocalyptic.

[Noel Evans]

Love the banner!

Cheers,

Mike

Im hoping that after people read it they can look at the banner and see the approach. We shall see.

[krestofre]

I've read it twice now, and my biggest question is what was going on between Paul and Sarah before he "opened his eyes?" What was their relationship?


****SPOILERS****

Before Paul's encounter with the old man, did he not see Sarah's scars? Was he just living in denial? There's a huge chunk of time in the script that is not addressed and I'm struggling to understand how that is resolved with the events in the script.

I'm interested to hear you talk about this script, but figure you'll want some more feedback before you go into it. In the meantime I'm going to have to think about this one some more....

[Noel Evans]

Hi mate. Thanks for reading.

SPOILER

On page 1

Paul’s once high
school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly.

[Noel Evans]

Before Paul's encounter with the old man, did he not see Sarah's scars? Was he just living in denial?

Bingo. Rest in PM. And some feedback on anything good or bad might help also.

[preston]

good, solid scriptwriting here. i will re-read to see if i can "fill in the blanks" because i'm not exactly sure what the deal is. you're gonna make me think!

i'll get back to you... it's late now though, so it'll be tomorrow.

[Noel Evans]

you're gonna make me think!

i'll get back to you... it's late now though, so it'll be tomorrow.

Heh I hope so. Thanks for the comments.

[Noel Evans]

Im a bit pumped. I have the pleasure of knowing someone locally who is a bit of a screenwriter lets say - just had a script bought by a large production company so its bound for Hollywood.

But I asked her to read it last week via email and just got this back

"That is good, .............. you have a real talent for writing something that is so visual."

[Noel Evans]

Ill add.... she never said anything negative so maybe held that back. hmmmm.

[krestofre]

"That is good, .............. you have a real talent for writing something that is so visual."

That's true! Your script for Scriptfest 1 had the same qualities. I've only read two of your pieces, but if I read them through for story purposes I miss things. I have to make the film in my head as I'm reading to get everything out of your stuff.

I appreciate your PM and replied with a few thoughts. Additionally I'd like to add that the tone of this piece reminds me a lot of Vanilla Sky. You seem to be dealing with some of the same basic pieces.

Anyway, good job with this entry!

[Russell Moore]

*SPOILER ALERT*

I read this script twice and I liked it. It gave me a lot to think about.
I thought you did a really good job with the characters and showing their relationship. I cared about them both.

One little thing and it's small. When there is the confrontation between Paul and the "bum", there is an inconsistency in relation to the distance between the two.

Paul gets knocked out right next to his car, then the bum is over him, Paul then cringes up against the car. This is no problem. But after that, the "bum" gets closer, closer and closer and then moves a few meters and manages to get behind Paul. It doesn't seem like there was enough space between the two to begin with for all this forward movement.

Maybe if Paul had actually managed to get up and back away from him or something like that or the "bum" wasn't that close to begin with.

But this is minor and overall it didn't really affect the story for me. I liked that you told a story that's foundation was a relationship between two people and that it carried a lot of emotional impact. I was moved by it and wanted to find out how it was going to turn out for the couple.

[mjjason]

This was a good read overall. The emotions and history between Paul and Sarah definitely came through the writing. The pacing and the flow of the script were well crafted which made for an easy read.

I did have some questions and issues:

1) Prior to Paul "seeing", his real life for him and Sarah was great. At least that is how I read the first scene. It looked like Paul was only suffering nightmares but in his waking life he and Sarah were happy. So why was the bum driven to make Paul see? By seeing it would bring his world crashing down. Sure he can at least than work to rebuild it but if someone is naive to the facts of there life than they wouldn't be bothered by it.

2) Who is the bum actually? I assume he is a supernatural being like an angel or something but he just came out of nowhere. Also, the howling before he was introduced made me think of him as someone sinister or monster-like as opposed to some angel or something.

This for me seemed to hurt the script as it felt like it went against what you were trying to do. Like I said earlier the script itself is well written it's just that I don't fully get the concept and overall story.

[MiataFilmSomething]

I liked the message in this script. Seems like there are a few loose ends to tie up, such as the true identity of the bum, and how he's flashing back and forth between visions.

You did a great job of conveying the relationship between Paul and his wife.

Someone else posted some Vanilla Sky similarities; I saw the same.

The film is a little hard to understand just by reading it. I'm sure if it was made, it would be a lot easier to follow. There's some great opportunities in this for some cool effects and camera angles.

[Judgement]

Noel - you're an excellence writer- the way you use your words is incredible!
However the Sci- fi element was not fully engage!
The story would of been stronger if we had an idea who this bum was!
Or where he got his abilities.
BUT still a great script!

At one point I figure he was just drunk all those years!
and the thug might of hit some sense in him!

[Noel Evans]

Guys thanks so much for reading it. I really loved everyone comes away with the questions that were deliberately left. I tried to keep questions that wouldnt effect the body of the story but would leave people with something they could take away from the story and keep it with them.

Conlan I see your point and a word change could fix that. Appreciate you pointing it out.

I wont allude to who the bum is, I think its better that people can define him for themselves, but his deed was to help.

mjjason Onyour first point - you clearly understood and its an age old dilemma I guess, if someone cant see the truth and are happy, then why interfere? Lately I have been reading a few Chinese books about life under Maos communism in the early days and on. One of the issues that touched me was the common people in many cases had a certain perspective on how life was, and the impact on them when they realised it wasnt what it seems was devastating, mostly at the hands of the party. So I formed the view from that and in my own experience: know the truth first and then you can work within the reality of your situation. And again, one of the big things from those books, was hiding the reality from the people. This was the inspiration for the story, but put into a western subtext people could more easily relate to.

And then of course you can see Sarah is also being effected by Paul not being able to see what he did to her, which I tried to portray by giving her the crutch - smoking, the dialogue requesting cigarettes and her bs line about quiting tomorrow, then when the shit hits, I showed her nerves along with her smoking. She was living a fine line so to speak.

Judgement - I never set out to write a sci fi piece as I chose to use the more twilight zone elements as Isaac set out in the rules.

Thanks again all.

[Noel Evans]

Further to judgements comment - I have also seen from others in a few peoples threads - wasnt really sci fi so I wanted to point out the OFFICIAL RULES on genre.

Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)

[Judgement]

I believe you to be a great writer and the script is honestly excellence work however
Self realization could of been the method use.
Example: Paul and his wife is out to dinner and everyone is staring at her and he has no idea why until he is force to attempt the truth.
Or the bum could of been her brother who beats Paul into realization.

[Captain Pierce]

Noel,

Let me say up front that I have a little trouble following scripts that deliberately leave questions. :) So it took a few reads, but I think I know where you're going with this (and I won't spell it out here even with a spoiler warning), and if I'm anywhere close to right, the end is a very interesting setup for where this could go now that the veil has been lifted.

I like your writing style, but the one thing I want to comment on is the very line you quoted earlier:

"Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly."

The conventional scriptwriting wisdom these days says to put nothing in a script that can't be seen. Now, I don't necessarily agree with this, as I think a description like this is useful to the actor, but this is really the only example of gratuitous backstory that I see in the script, so I was just wondering if you put that in deliberately or if it's just a coincidence. :)

[Noel Evans]

"Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly."

The conventional scriptwriting wisdom these days says to put nothing in a script that can't be seen. Now, I don't necessarily agree with this, as I think a description like this is useful to the actor, but this is really the only example of gratuitous backstory that I see in the script, so I was just wondering if you put that in deliberately or if it's just a coincidence. :)

There is one exception to this rule and that is character introduction. But per your PM you got the story 100%.

So for example.

"BIG JOHN the mechanic. He's a stocky, tough, 30 year old. He knows his business like no other. " The last part about him knowing the business like no other, would be out of place anywhere else, but as a character intro its quit acceptable.

Noel

[Noel Evans]

Cheers to whoever added the stars btw. :)

[pauly_the_hitman]

I really enjoyed the story and the message it conveyed. Good job.
Pauly

[STYLZ]

Well, I'm slightly confused as to who exactly the bum was and how Paul couldn't see Sarah for who she was until this guy came along. I'm sure this would come across a lot clearer in visual form though. I thought this was well written. Had a really good emotional impact as well. A life lesson is in this story. Thanks for sharing.

[jamiejay]

I liked your writing style. This reminded me of the film with Sandra Bullock called Premonition for some reason. I guess it was the scarred face and the car accident.... I also thought of The Others with Nicole Kidman, where the main character also had to "see" that her loved ones had been hurt at her own hands.

There are a couple of issues I have that maybe you could clear up for me. I'm not really sure what the mugging had to do with the rest of the story. And I do wish it was more clear about the bum, his identity, abilities, and motives. I'm assuming his wife was drinking as well and that's why he had to drive?

I could see how this was a bit of a twilight zone plot... but I wanted the opening of his eyes to lead to something better, not worse... a revelation that would lead him to make a better choice of some sort... like maybe he could save her in some way. Finally being able to see his wife's scars and what he did to her shouldn't lead to a "confident and smiling" Paul. I could be over-thinking it... I tend to do that. ;)

But there is a lot you could do with this and it is definitely visual :)

[Noel Evans]

jamie not offended at all. As i said I believe its merely a style thing, you and I of course are different and see things different. SO no problems at all.

[Noel Evans]

Well, I'm slightly confused as to who exactly the bum was and how Paul couldn't see Sarah for who she was until this guy came along. I'm sure this would come across a lot clearer in visual form though. I thought this was well written. Had a really good emotional impact as well. A life lesson is in this story. Thanks for sharing.

Stylz thanks for reading and commenting. Appreciate your thoughts.

[seansshack]

Formatting wise: unless a shooting script, scene numbers are not needed.

Descriptions: Unless we could see it as a viewer (not reader) don't write descriptions. Example "Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly." As viewer how would we know she was the high school sweetheart?

Would also break up the description paragraphs. (larger ones, make em smaller) - for some reason these days. Screenplay readers are obsessed with vertical writing and white space on the pages (basically they want scripts to be easier, faster reads).

Good story that works well. Reminds me too of "Premonition".


Only question is: Who was the Bum? He just appeared and was the key to explaining the story. But we have no idea who/what/why from his end???

[Noel Evans]

Hi Sean

Thanks for reading and glad you liked it




Descriptions: Unless we could see it as a viewer (not reader) don't write descriptions. Example "Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly." As viewer how would we know she was the high school sweetheart?



What Ive been taught says there is one exception to this in character descriptions.





Only question is: Who was the Bum? He just appeared and was the key to explaining the story. But we have no idea who/what/why from his end???

Scene numbers, I put in as a reference for myself as I was making notes.

I think if I had probably at least one more page, I would have put some more there regarding the bum. Many people are bringing up this point. I thought I could get away with it. Im going to shoot this so I will be sure to add something. Theres a perfect opportunity in the early stages without breaking the story between the couple.

Thanks again.

[seansshack]

Maybe it's him from the future, after life choices have ruined him?

[alex whitmer]

Techie stuff


This …

with vigorous breathe ...

Typo

This …

Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife

No way to know this just by looking at them.

This ...

kitchen bench

Is that like a nook?

This ...

Its gonna be a late one

Typo.

This ...

SARAH
Drive safely.

He kisses her cheek and walks out.

She dialogue followed by a HE. Reads like a typo.

Page 2

This ...

(OT)

Don’t know this one. Do you mean ON TELEPHONE?

Page 3

This ...

The mugger turns on his heal …

Typo. Should be heel, unless this is the British spelling.

This …

He uses his pointer finger

Do you mean index finger?

Page 6

scar less

Shouldn’t that be one word?

STORY

Very confusing. Not sure if we had dreams or flashbacks, or both. Does Paul have a drinking problem, and this is a warning? Did the accident really happen, but Sarah still thinks he’s incredible?

Has Paul been in denial, and finally ‘lifted the veil’ and remembered what really took place?

I went back and studied the title and the banner to clarify what I thought it was about. Still unclear if it happened, or will happen if je doesn’t change his ways.

I don’t think you need to put RED HONDA, unless it’s a shooting script and the color is for set design purposes.

Honda and Audi? Are you trying to show he went from sports car driver and reckless, to Mr. Sedan? I sorta picked up you were trying to show a change in character type through the car.

I don’t know, I had trouble piecing this one together.

Writing is good. No fluff or action ‘novels’ to set up you scenes.

The old man pulled off a Monty Python with his ‘ever getting closer’ even though he started out standing over Paul.

I guess the thief saw a picture of a disfigured Sarah? That was never explained. Maybe the old man could have picked up the wallet and also did the glance, hand it back, and really get your audience into what is going on, and then reveal the scars in the photo Paul picks up at home – then bring Sarah into the film again. Maybe for effect, have a little wispy fabric over the photo at home, like Sarah keeps it covered, and then Paul lifts that to reveal the photo.

It’s a great banner that should be reinforced in the story.

aw

[Noel Evans]

GAK... too many typos. Need to get a bit tighter there.

Some people were able to get it, some didnt. Of course I know clearly what the intention was. Simply for me I think I needed a few more pages which I will add once we are all said and done here.

Thanks for reading Alex.

[MrKilloran]

Good writing, a bit confusing with the interwoven events, maybe a bit more clarity on them, I'm not really saying anything new but I thought it was a well thought out idea and a few touch ups you'd be all set. Great job. enjoyed it.

[jasonthewho]

Alex covered most of the things I was going to bring up (but doesn't he always? :) )

The only other thing I noticed was this:


He drags himself across it to a bookshelf and dumps his keys next to a photo of himself and Sarah which he picks it up.

Awkward sentence, and "which he picks it up" is definitely wrong.

Good work! Kept one step ahead of the audience, which is always a good thing.

[Noel Evans]

Good work! Kept one step ahead of the audience, which is always a good thing.


Cheers Jason. Gave it a shot.

[Noel Evans]

OK so now its over - Id like to explain where I was coming from.

OK so we start out on Paul having a nightmare about a car accident. We only see him.

We then jump to the morning scene. Here I wanted to demonstrate the relationship between Paul and Sarah as very close, almost perfect. When she says he is incredible, I give no reason for this - the purpose of this dialogue was to bring attention to him doing something that made her feel this way (Ill come back to that).

Paul goes off to work. At the end of another late day he calls Sarah. In this dialogue, I wanted to show that Sarah had an addiction, a fairly common one, but it was serving as a crutch to something. And when she says she will give up tomorrow, which is pretty much rubbish, I wanted to show that there is something she is struggling with.

Then we are at the convenience store where Paul is mugged. The mugger sees the photo of Sarah in the wallet. I didnt want to allude to exactly what it was, as I thought this would be evident at the end.

Then we see the thing in the bushes scare the mugger off.

Next Paul awakens to the man he thinks mugged him, we know it isnt of course. Which is why Paul is afraid in his drowsy state. A few mentioned here, about the distance to the car when Paul scrambles back and the bum moves toward him. I cut a little corner here to conserve writing, I guess I should have tried to hang on to that component more and placed Paul in the right place to begin with - damn you all for picking it up :P.

Now the bum. Most people commented, who is he? etc. Well I wanted to leave that to the imagination, but clearly here my view is outnumbered considerably. Knowing that, I will add a background scene for him to do this, again I omitted for space, thinking people will come to their own conclusion and this was fine. So then the bum commits an act -

And we find Paul in his car out the front of a house, when he goes inside we see its his house. I was fairly happy with this little win actually. In a six page script theres no real space for establishing shots - so I skipped it of their house originally but then was able to sneak one in that served a purpose.

So Paul, after his harrowing ordeal sees the photo and picks it up. His safety blanket Sarah of course. And then Sarah appears as not the woman we expected to see. Now to my mind - the fact that a man of a strange nature just did some dazzling movements in his approach to Paul, those movements (plus the howls) telling us he is not like the rest of us, and he said something pretty profound with action - Open your eyes. I thought people would immediately stitch together that Paul wasnt seeing the reality of something and then we see his wifes appearance - so theres the thing he wasnt seeing, caused by his own act which he couldnt face - the drink driving incident, which we then see through Pauls clarified vision. And then we can go back to Sarahs statement of calling him incredible - she thought he really was, as, unlike others he could see past the scars, and then again back to the smoking, she was wondering when he would. Still thinking how to make that clearer without just stating it.

The second to last scene, Sarah is shaking and smoking - so theres her crutch in action and the association of why she does it.

The final scene is meant to be the bum again, wondering the earth trying to make people see reality, a man of purpose that knows where to be to deliver his message - he says Pauls name.

Anyway, Ill add a couple of scenes and tidy up some others, so at the end of it all its a solid piece.

Thanks all for reading.