Alien Abduction

[David W. Richardson]

a ScriptFest II entry
from
David W. Richardson
Chapel Grove Films

[David W. Richardson]

New image....


http://www.chapelgrovefilms.com/alienabduction.jpg

Cool photo courtesy of evilstevie (www.flickr.com/photos/evilstevie (http://www.flickr.com/photos/evilstevie))

[seansshack]

end of the beginning? interesting play on words.

with x-files being hot again, gotta help the theme...

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks Sean. Does it make you want to read the script??? :)

[seansshack]

yep. nice pic too.

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks!

The cool photo is courtesy of evilstevie (www.flickr.com/photos/evilstevie (http://www.flickr.com/photos/evilstevie))

[conlanforever]

It makes me want to read the script, nice play on words.

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks Conlan. That's the highest possible praise!

[AJ Brooks]

Hope you don't mind, but my script is somewhat of a spinoff...

"Alien Obstruction"

Premise: E.T. has crash landed on earth, again. He accidentally swallows a mason jar lid, mistaking it for a reese's piece peanut butter cup. Now it is a race against time to return home with a successful bowel movement.

Gives new meaning to the classic "moon shot".

May the best script win!

[David W. Richardson]

Oh dear....................

.

[David W. Richardson]

"Alien Abduction" has been uploaded!

.

[seansshack]

Good luck with it and looking forward to the read...

[thartley]

"Alien Abduction" has been uploaded!

.


Thank HEAVENS! Finally! :) You've had that thing ready since like the second week or something. I'm glad you got it uploaded and I cant wait to read it. :thumbup:

[David W. Richardson]

Thank HEAVENS! Finally! :) You've had that thing ready since like the second week or something. I'm glad you got it uploaded and I cant wait to read it. :thumbup:

Thanks all! I did actually do some tweaking in the interim. Hope it made it better. :)

[David W. Richardson]

BTW, 'Alien Abduction' is available for anyone looking for a last-minute script for TwilightFest. Single location. Two characters. Simple, yet also challenging. PM me if you're interested.

[David W. Richardson]

Hope you don't mind, but my script is somewhat of a spinoff...

"Alien Obstruction"

Premise: E.T. has crash landed on earth, again. He accidentally swallows a mason jar lid, mistaking it for a reese's piece peanut butter cup. Now it is a race against time to return home with a successful bowel movement.

Gives new meaning to the classic "moon shot".

May the best script win!

I'm suddenly REALLY glad I didn't have a script titled 'Alien Defection'! :)

[Noel Evans]

CAUTION SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im the first!!! Well at the start of this post I am anyway...

Really liked where this went, wasnt expecting it to be the way it was, so I could read start to finish as it kept me moving.

One scene worked well in this piece. I didnt have to think location after the opener at all as I had settled on the solid description.

The MAN on the otherhand - I really had no idea about his age, look etc. From his dialogue I could get a gauge of his character, but pretty much had to make something up after I heard him talking. Kind of like walking blind for awhile.

There was one small catch for me in the story. The Man had the gray where he wanted and wasnt going to let up until he got his wife back. They gray then spun him a tale, convincing as it was, and the man believed every word and didnt mention his wife again. And there is where I felt the mans dialogue became a little strange and less believable because he went from this hard line torture approach to just letting the gray spin him a line, which at the start I felt this man wont hear any words this gray has to say.

But again I loved the story and the outcome. Was a really interesting approach that made me want to read more.

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks Noel! I appreciate the feedback. I'll have to re-read the script with your comments in mind. More on that later.

Thanks again!

[David W. Richardson]

*****SPOILERS******

Okay, the Gray told the Man his wife would be returned unharmed any minute now. So the Man has relaxed about that a little bit, and turned his focus to other things -- like the fact that he's got a living, breathing space alien sitting in his basement, and it speaks English!

At least, that was my thinking....

[Noel Evans]

Ill read it again at the end, of course with that in mind. Sorry, just wanted to add, the mistake in a scene was not clear to me. Was it that the gray allowed himself to be captured and then suffered death as a result?

[nitramlehcar]

Excellent job! I really enjoyed it. I loved the Gray's slang. Classic. ;)

[David W. Richardson]

Ill read it again at the end, of course with that in mind. Sorry, just wanted to add, the mistake in a scene was not clear to me. Was it that the gray allowed himself to be captured and then suffered death as a result?

Yep. That was it.

I would've elaborated more on that, but as you see I ran all the way to the last possible line on Page 6. I'm not sure what I'd have wanted to cut out to make room for a more detailed explanation, so I was hoping folks would catch on.

Thanks again!

[Captain Pierce]

David,

A fun read. I don't think I've ever seen that explanation of the "Greys" before, and certainly to see one speaking 21st century slang would be one hell of a weird thing on-screen. :)

One minor quibble, and this has SPOILERS, so be warned if haven't read yet--but would the Grey really refer to himself and his kind as "fuckin' freaks?" I mean, from his point-of-view, he's normal and the pre-mutation humans should be the freaks. Unless he's just using that as part of his plan to get the Man to sympathize with him, because the Man certainly considers the Grey to be a freak.

But, like I said, a minor issue, overall I really enoyed the script.

[STYLZ]

Yes nice read. I have thought about aliens being time travelling humans but never equated it to nuclear war mutations. Makes a lot of sense though. The only thing I found questionable was the way the alien talked(like a highschool kid), imagine an astronaut talking like that. Other than that good job thanks for sharing.

[pmark23]

Cool story. This would make a nice little short, and I hope that someone is doing this for the TwilightFest.

Somehow I got the impression that the alien was talking jive, and couldn't shake the Chris Tucker accent. It makes sense towards the end though.

[AJ Brooks]

Best line -- "but his resistance is futile."

That's awesome on so many levels. :)

Good script.

[Bridget D.]

Liked your script. I totally laughed the first time Gray spoke. I had to read it again to make sure I was reading the alien's lines! Interesting characters.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Fun script. I could see the ending coming once he started to freak out but it was still a fun read. Nice work!

Interesting take.

Cheers,

Mike

[MrKilloran]

Great script man, I really enjoyed it and had a nice turn that i was'nt expecting... Aliens are mutated humans from the future, gotta say, pretty cool idea.

[Judgement]

Great read

[conlanforever]

I really like the idea that the aliens are actually mutated, time travelling humans. Good original idea and the fact that an alien got abducted as well as a human.
My interest was really peaked when the alien began talking.

In hindsight I see what STLYZ is saying, considering that the alien would be some sort of scientist or astronaut or some modern equivalent, you wouldn't expect him to use that kind of language. But then again, its in the future, so maybe culture has changed and that is the norm. Could be all that survived the blast was a group of surfer dudes ;)

I really liked the script, good quick read, very creative. A great way to start the fest.

[MiataFilmSomething]

This one is my first read of the fest!

Pros: LOVED the idea and the title, and having it be a reversal for once, that a man abducts an alien. Tight story and some great twists.

Cons: I agree with the dialog of the gray being so informal. Just doesn't seem to fit. And this is me being nitpicky, but if the grays knew the exact time the bombs were coming, why cut it so close to the wire? From the feel of the script, seems like the guy only had been holding the alien for a day at the most.

Overall, I liked this. I know it couldn't be done due to length, but I'd like to see more dialog with the gray and the guy after he discovers he's human. Have them talk things out and almost form a bond, and then the revelation of what's to come and it's urgency. If you get this produced, make it a little longer if you can. It's a good read!

[Judgement]

The alien's slang was a surprise to everyone however it added to the story and truly was enjoyable! However the mistake of the character would be that the man don't let the alien go? or the alien for getting caught?

[jamiejay]

Actually, in 12 Monkeys, it wasn't a scientist or astronaut that they sent back in time to gather data... it was a prisoner. With that in mind, the gray's slang wasn't at all distracting. :)

I liked this one and I will comment more later.

[mjjason]

Most of what I felt has already been stated. Great concept for the story, especially the part about Aliens being time travellers. Overall it was a great read. The two problems I had were with the Gray's dialogue and the sudden change in the man. The Gray seemed too much like a surfer dude while the man completely forgot about his wife. Just had a problem with the transition.

Overall, great idea with a solid execution.

[Judgement]

He had to forget about his wife bc of the information he get about the WAR!

[jamiejay]

Not sure why he would come back to right before the explosion when he knew it was coming.... despite the explanation that they were expendable and all going to die anyway... couldn't he come back to a few weeks before so there would be no chance of dying? And...if they could travel back in time, could they not just bring some of the people back to the future with them? Though this is just splitting hairs... and I didn't think of these questions until later so they didn't suspend my disbelief in anyway.

Again, I liked this one. Very well done! :)

[sfoster]

I loved the script! I thought it was well written. I like the concept. It was a tad to predictable though. If you could hold off the part about the war longer, and have the Gray not be afraid so soon, it might be a bigger suprise, of course, in the filming and editing, you could solve a lot of this!

[Judgement]

I like the script bc it's a no budget script which can be film with no monies!

[seansshack]

Enjoyable read. Nice build up and worked for me.

I would however make it slightly shorter. During the period that he lets him know what he is and where he comes from, reduce the talking a bit.

Also for some reason I could see the Gray holding the guy's head and letting him see the events (projected into his head kind of thing) - knocking him for six and showing enhanced human powers.

But I enjoyed it and could see it as a solid short film.

Good luck with it.

[krestofre]

Nice twist on the whole alien abduction story.

Sfoster has the right idea about pacing. I think that change more than any other would strengthen the script.

The alien dialog issue ... I can see it both ways. Less vernacular would me more realistic to the story, but would lose the comedic effect, which would be a big loss.

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks everyone for the kinds words and also the critiques. I really appreciate all the feedback!

I thought long and hard about the Gray's slang, and here's my thinking -- he's young. He's a techno-geek. How many movies have we seen with the college age techno-geek who is a social misfit and lays heavy on the slang? He's not the leader of this mission, just one of the lesser crew. His youth and inexperience are exactly what allowed him to make the mistake of getting captured in the first place.

Even then, he tries to keep up the charade of being an 'outer space alien', as evidenced by the "frightened gibberish that barely even sounds like a language" that comprises the first 'words' we hear him speak. But that facade crumbles immediately once he gets the first hit from the stun gun. From then on he's just a scared kid -- scared of the torture, but also because he knows what's coming.

Someone asked 'Why come so close to when the bombs are going to fall? Why not weeks before?' Because the further you move away from the catastrophic event, the more risk you're taking that you'll accidentally do something that will alter the future and mess up your own existence. So it pays to target the time as close to the falling of the bombs as possible. If I had more page space, I would have elaborated on this a bit more.

Also it was asked, "Why not just take the women back with you to the future?" Another good question that could have been explained in a longer script. There are a variety of possible explanations. Maybe they don't have the technology to do that yet, but can only return what they sent. The people they sent can be carrying small items -- like human eggs -- but nothing beyond a certain mass. That's one plausible explanation that could be developed in a longer version of the script.

And again, the Man stops focusing so much on the return of his wife because the Gray has assured him that she is being returned practically as they speak, and that she has not been harmed. With that worry alleviated, at least to some extent, he is able to start coming to grips with a whole new bit of amazement -- the fact that he has a living, talking alien creature strapped to a chair in his basement.

Judgement, I actually considered producing this for the TwilightFest. But coming up with a full sized, fully articulated, realistic, talking Gray alien was a bit of a challenge. He would have to look absolutely, totally believable, or else the whole thing would fall apart and be laughed at. I'd love to see somebody do it, though. The script is for sale! :)

Thanks again everyone for all the feedback! Keep it coming!

David

[David W. Richardson]

I loved the script! I thought it was well written. I like the concept. It was a tad to predictable though. If you could hold off the part about the war longer, and have the Gray not be afraid so soon, it might be a bigger suprise, of course, in the filming and editing, you could solve a lot of this!

I see what you're saying here. I could hold off on the alien telling about the war a bit longer. I'll give that some thought.

But I can't really see any way that the alien isn't totally terrified right from the very beginning. He's been kidnapped by a strange looking creature, dragged to a cellar and tied to a chair. From the moment we meet him, he knows the bombs are due to fall very soon -- and he's going to DIE if he doesn't get out of this situation and get back to the future before they do. Add to that the fear of the stun gun, and I can't see any way the Gray could not be completely terrified right from the opening.

Thanks for the feedback!

David

[David W. Richardson]

I see on some of the other threads, people are telling what rating they gave the film.

Anybody care to say what rating they gave 'Alien Abduction'? It's always good to know these things. :)

[Shannon]

GREAT script!! Fun reading and very interesting subject matter! I wouldn't change a thing! If I could vote I'd give you a perfect score, but alas I'm a newbie :)

Shannon

[preston]

well, i haven't actually rated any films yet, so i can't tell you....

i did read it, however, and i enjoyed it. i love picturing him all tied up in that chair, and even getting zapped by the stun-gun. (not that i like seeing aliens tortured, it was just good writing!)

it's a good short story that would make a good short film. in other words, the scope of it fits the length. you know what i'm saying, right? one location, two actors (and a heck of an sfx team).

thank you for participating in the fest.

[Horncastle]

I thought this worked well. The gray's dialogue wasn't a problem for me - I thought it went well with the squirming and panic so that I saw him as being rather "smeagolish". I agree with others that you don't really have a sufficient idea what the man is like and that he seems to accept the promise that his wife is returning rather too easily. This is the first I have read so I'll decide on the rating later when I'm in the swing of things.
Jason

[alex whitmer]

Great piece. Not sure your title does it justice.

SPOILERS





TECHIE STUFF

This …

LIGHT BULB dangling overhead, casting grotesque shadows on every
surface.

Shadows of what? We have a chair and some piles of clutter. The chair is directly under the lightbulb, so it’s not going to cast much of a shadow.

This ...

your typical alien in appearance

Lot of variables. I’d leave out ‘typical’.

This ...

He struggles against the ROPES

This is a boxing term. I think you mean struggles WITH his ropes.

This ...

MAN (CONT'D)
Now I'm gonna ask you just one...
more... time... Where the poo poo is
my WIFE?!

This is good. Not sure I have seen something along these lines.

No need to use (CONT’D) when it’s obvious. Just adds clutter.

Page 2

This ...

GRAY
shi*!!!!!
(beat)
Son of a BITCH!!!!! That poo pooin'
HURTS, man!!!

You would never do this in a spec script. One ! pretty much covers it, especially since the action and the dialogue dictate the situation.

This ...

MAN (CONT'D)
Where's my poo pooin' wife, you piece
of shi*??! What did you people do
with her???

I think you could pick another word than people. Let us know how MAN really feels about this guys. You ‘things’, you ‘spastic droids’ ...something.

By the top of page 3 you made your point and the dialogue is just repeating itself. Get something fresh in there.

Don’t need this ...

but for a different reason now.

Not filmable. We’ll figure it out in the ensuing action/dialogue

This ...

The Gray looks around nervously, trying to find a way to avoid
the question.

All this can be reduced to The Gray hesitates.

This guy sounds like he’s from the wrong side of some future tracks. Pretty rough language.

Page 6

This ...

We can mess with people in
this time period 'cause they don't
MATTER! Most of 'em are gonna DIE!
For it to not matter, they all have to die.

This ...

GRAY (CONT'D)
(terrified)
Hey! NO! No no no!!! Snap out of
it! C'mon!!! LET ME GO!!! Please
man! You gotta let....

Here again you are just rehashing the same dialogue.


STORY

Well, one can assume (?) the wife survived since she was kidnapped.

I get that the time travelers found a group of people they can harvest eggs from so they can fix their DNA. Yeah, pretty cool. Go back through and see where you can keep dialogue fresh, and make it so nobody from this group (town?) survives, greatly reducing the butterfly effect – you can never rule out some small event from having some unforeseen consequences, like accidently destroying a bee hive and thus wiping out a crop of clover and thus wiping out what ever is next up or down the chain.

Like the concept a lot.

alex

[David W. Richardson]

Alex,

Thanks for the feedback! Notes on exclamation point usage are good. I personally prefer the use of '(CONT'D)' for the sake of the actors, but that's just me.


Great piece. Not sure your title does it justice.

How so? An alien was abducted - which is a twist in itself. Granted, it wouldn't be a grabber of a title for a feature, but I think it's interestingly misleading for a short.



This ...

your typical alien in appearance

Lot of variables. I’d leave out ‘typical’.


True, which is why I followed it with a description. As for leaving out 'typical', that leaves 'your alien in appearance'. I assume you meant I should leave out 'your' as well. Not sure that makes it significantly better, though.



Don’t need this ...

but for a different reason now.

Not filmable. We’ll figure it out in the ensuing action/dialogue

I think it is filmable. I think a good actor can work with that kind of subtlety, and it's important to know that the Gray's fears have shifted from one thing to the other. True, though, that people will figure that out just from the dialogue. I just personally like to give small assists like this when possible.



This ...
We can mess with people in
this time period 'cause they don't
MATTER! Most of 'em are gonna DIE!
For it to not matter, they all have to die.


Technically true, but characters often state things that are not entirely, 100% technically accurate. He's generalizing.

And I wouldn't assume the wife survives. I would assume the 'aliens' released her, like the Gray said they would, and got the heck out of Dodge before the bombs fell.

Glad you liked it overall, though. And you make some valid points that are worth exploring further. Thanks!

David

[preston]

it's hard to find good alien actors though... :)

[David W. Richardson]

it's hard to find good alien actors though... :)

Yeah, too true. The good alien actors all seem to be illegals. :)

[Mobie540]

The way the Gray talked would take most people out of the situation immediately and turn it in to some comedy that falls flat. That's what happened to me. I kept rolling my eyes on each line of dialogue from Gray. Most of it was beating me over the head with too much exposition, oye!

You had one entire page almost full of dialogue. Tarantino can sometimes, SOMETIMES pull that off but to me it gets really old so fast. It likes two talking heads in a box which gets boring and I lose focus. Show dont' tell, that's what makes a script good.

If I had a chance to take a pass at it, I would describe the torture of the alien and the alien would give subtle clues throughout the torture until the end reveal. The ending was good but your build up needs serious work.

[David W. Richardson]

The way the Gray talked would take most people out of the situation immediately and turn it in to some comedy that falls flat. That's what happened to me. I kept rolling my eyes on each line of dialogue from Gray. Most of it was beating me over the head with too much exposition, oye!

You had one entire page almost full of dialogue. Tarantino can sometimes, SOMETIMES pull that off but to me it gets really old so fast. It likes two talking heads in a box which gets boring and I lose focus. Show dont' tell, that's what makes a script good.

If I had a chance to take a pass at it, I would describe the torture of the alien and the alien would give subtle clues throughout the torture until the end reveal. The ending was good but your build up needs serious work.

This is interesting. I have no idea how the things that the Gray revealed to the Man could be shown and not told. At least, not in 6 pages. Can you give me an example?

Thanks!

David

[pauly_the_hitman]

I dug the whole concept and it made me laugh but also made me think. Good job.
Pauly

[Mobie540]

MAN
Ohhh.... I bet you're sorry now,
ain't ya?
(beat)
You done picked the wrong Earthling
to fuck with!

Above example of too much exposition. The alien is tied up to a chair and the guy is holding a stun gun. I don't feel it's necessary that you have to have the guy explain that the alien picked the wrong earthling to fuck with. You could use a little more subtext.

MAN
My wife!

Alien throws the Man a confused 'I don't speak/understand English' look. The man zaps the alien with 1,000 volts. The alien breaths heavy. Before the alien can answer again, the man zaps it again. The man holds the tazer to the alien for a longer period. (This guy isn't fucking around now)

MAN
My wife, you ugly piece of shit!

When you start writing 3 or 4 sentences of dialogue with no action or reaction, it's just two talking heads on screen. My suggestion is cut the dialogue put in more action in between.


I like your idea, I just think this draft needs a revision. This is just one person's opinion.

[thartley]

The only thing that kind of gave me a "reader's jolt" in this one was the way the alien spoke, the verbage and choice of words. Seemed to much of our time for someone from our own planet, but the future with evolved technology etc.

Loved the concept however, of man going back into its own past to fix his ills. Great idea. :thumbup:

[agalla1]

Oh dear....................

.
Enjoyed reading it....thought it had a great twist!

[David W. Richardson]

MAN
Ohhh.... I bet you're sorry now,
ain't ya?
(beat)
You done picked the wrong Earthling
to poo poo with!

Above example of too much exposition. The alien is tied up to a chair and the guy is holding a stun gun. I don't feel it's necessary that you have to have the guy explain that the alien picked the wrong earthling to poo poo with. You could use a little more subtext.



People quite often speak with too much exposition. People are real and rarely self-edit when they talk. And since one of the criteria of the contest was that a character has to make a mistake, I felt it was important to emphasize that mistake with the dialogue.

Thanks for the input! It truly is appreciated.

[Nektonic]

Nice set-up and use of a single location. Interesting reversal of the typical alien abduction scenario. The dialogue flowed well if a little bit too on the nose sometimes. Some of the Gray’s dialogue was too specific to present day speech, considering that he comes from the future. I was expecting a twist were the Gray was actually a guy in a costume.

I do like the idea of using the theory of Gray’s being time travelers and not merely aliens as that is one of the theories UFOlogists have suggested. I liked the bit about the Gray emitting the strange sound/language. I do think that it was a bit jarring to have the Gray then suddenly speak basic American English all of a sudden. I would have liked it if the Gray used telepathy to communicate instead of speaking. I’m no Fox Mulder, but I have read and studied the subject out of curiosity and I know that many abductees have claimed that the aliens were able to communicate telepathically. I don’t think that it is too much of a stretch to use the telepathy. It would give the Gray’s dialogue an interesting and somewhat eerie touch I think.

A good script though. Please don’t feel that I didn’t enjoy it by the suggestions above. It was a good and fast read. You had a nice flow due to not having to change locations.

I don’t know if you are a fan of the X-Files, but there is an episode that you might like. It is called Jose Chung’s From Outer Space. Definitely worth checking out.

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks for the input Nektonic!

I think expecting humans to have developed telepathy because of mutation from nuclear fallout might've been a bit much -- though I can see how cool the audio would've been.

I think the basic slang of American English has stayed relatively constant for quite a while. I suppose I could've made up a bunch of 'future slang', but I was afraid that would sound contrived and lack authenticity. But I can see both sides of that argument.

Surprisingly, I never really got into the X-Files. But thanks for the reference. Maybe I'll check it out.

And thanks again for taking the time to read my script and give your thoughts!

David

[Isaac_Brody]

I liked this, but I'm on the fence with alien's slang. Just a thought, every time period has different slang. You go back a couple hundred years and you've got Shakespeare, you go back fifty years and you've got different colorful words. It could be interesting to adjust the slang, try and make it offbeat in a futuristic way. How to do that? Well you could argue that the use of the english language has been deteriorating. Maybe it's a mix of global elements, or perhaps it's a shortform version not unlike IM speak. You might lose some of the humor of this piece by changing that, but for me reading it and hearing the current time period slang made me immediately think comedy, and not take this totally seriously. If that's the intention cool, but maybe you can accomplish the comedy and also fulfill the logic of the situation.

Nice work.

[David W. Richardson]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review Alien Abduction. I appreciate your efforts.

[thartley]

I liked this, but I'm on the fence with alien's slang. Just a thought, every time period has different slang. You go back a couple hundred years and you've got Shakespeare, you go back fifty years and you've got different colorful words. It could be interesting to adjust the slang, try and make it offbeat in a futuristic way. How to do that? Well you could argue that the use of the english language has been deteriorating. Maybe it's a mix of global elements, or perhaps it's a shortform version not unlike IM speak. You might lose some of the humor of this piece by changing that, but for me reading it and hearing the current time period slang made me immediately think comedy, and not take this totally seriously. If that's the intention cool, but maybe you can accomplish the comedy and also fulfill the logic of the situation.

Nice work.

Isaac, your comment here brought to mind the way Joss Whedon formed his dialog in Firefly/Serenity. He even went into detail about why and how he came up with the mixture of English and Chinese, and how the use of otherwise ordinary English words like "shiny" would be figured out by the viewers through usage. Something to think about.

[David W. Richardson]

Isaac, your comment here brought to mind the way Joss Whedon formed his dialog in Firefly/Serenity. He even went into detail about why and how he came up with the mixture of English and Chinese, and how the use of otherwise ordinary English words like "shiny" would be figured out by the viewers through usage. Something to think about.

Yeah, but we only had 6 pages.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Yeah, but we only had 6 pages.
Indeed. That's the challenge we face as writers and filmmakers for short projects. :thumbup: