Sweet Dreams - thartley

[thartley]

"SWEET DREAMS"


A young woman struggles to overcome a terrifying nightmare by opening a door to her past,

but some doors were never meant to be opened.

[HorseFilms]

Nice!:beer: I'm digging the logline, Terri.

[Larry Rutledge]

Sweet ... looking forward to this Terri. As you know, I enjoyed your last script you wrote for a previous fest, I wish you'd had a chance to complete the film.

Good luck on this script :thumbsup:

[Blaine]

Wow, Terri, this really makes me want to read the script. Looking forward to it. :thumbsup:

[ConspiracyPenguin]

Woo hoo! Glad to see you finally putting this up, Terri. I'm working on the second critique right now, if I don't finish before I have to leave at 12 then I will do so when I get back. Best of luck!

[thartley]

Thanks guys! Hopefully, the logline won't be the best part of my entry. :Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)

[Brandon Rice]

Great logline! Can't wait to read it.

[thartley]

I have got a good handle on this one, I hope. Waiting for a critical eye to read over it and tell me to go jump in the Mekong River. LOL!

I'm going to see if I can go back and read previous scriptfest threads to see how badly the format police judge on the technical snafus.

[ConspiracyPenguin]

Was I supposed to read another draft? If I forgot, I apologize, I was so busy with my LA preparations I may have hoped right over it. I don't think I did, but just in case, feel free to *virtually* slap me around a little bit.

[conlanforever]

Good logline, looking forward to the read.

[thartley]

Was I supposed to read another draft?

No, we're good. Many thanks for the initial look-see. :thumbsup:

Have not had much time to work on it. Usually at breakfast, I jot down some notes if they occur to me, then before bed, I will see if things still flow.

I'm curious to know how you guys came up with your stories. Mine came from a partially overheard conversation at another table where I eat breakfast. Fascinating conversation, and then some very bizarre factual discoveries on my part when I was doing research.

[ConspiracyPenguin]

I came up with mine because I knew I wanted to do a story involving a piano (will reveal more later) and it had to be sci-fi and there had to be a mistake. I wanted the mistake to be big so I just put the pieces together and think I will eventually turn it into a feature.

[thartley]

Ok, mine's uploaded.

Tear it up, and I thank you all ahead of time for the harsh but constructive criticism.

:beer:

[MiataFilmSomething]

Nothing too harsh to report! It was a suspenseful story, and had good pacing in it.

I didn't totally understand the very end though, was she talking to herself, or to her class? Or having another flashback moment? I wasn't too clear on it.

I like the transitioning you did between the office murder and the classroom. Going back and forth like that worked very well. I got that string quartet music from "Requiem For A Dream" in my head while I was reading it.

Good mystery and a fun read!

[conlanforever]

Well done. I really liked this script. It was well written and I thought you did a good job of building the suspense and creating an ominous tension.

I agree near the end when it switched from one scene to the other worked really well.
I thought the end was brilliant, assuming I understood it correctly.

I took it that Sophie would be haunting the man?, thing?, killer? that took over her body through nightmares. So it was a role reversal.

Really entertaining story.

[thartley]

I agree near the end when it switched from one scene to the other worked really well.
I thought the end was brilliant, assuming I understood it correctly.

I took it that Sophie would be haunting the man?, thing?, killer? that took over her body through nightmares. So it was a role reversal.

Really entertaining story.

Thanks and yes, that is it exactly. I really struggled with how to technically write all that switching back and forth. Still dont think I got it quite right, but it was what I could come up with.

I am wide open to thoughts on how to better write that ending so that it doesnt seem so choppy. The scene changes throw me off everytime I read it back through for myself.

Should I use some other method to write such quick jumps to flashbacks?

Should I utilize a different naming technique for "Sophie" after the killer comes through and takes over to make it less confusing?

[seansshack]

Should I utilize a different naming technique for "Sophie" after the killer comes through and takes over to make it less confusing?

As far as I remember you can/should never change the name after the initial intro.

Good story. Nice build up and solid ending. One or two formatting issues throughout, but won't harp on about them.

Could see this as a solid short. Would like to see it filmed.

I would introduce the letter opener earlier. Maybe show the doc opening letters (more interested in that than her) or bragging about it being a gift. Plant the MacGuffin earlier.

Good work and good luck with it.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I thought this was a really good story. Nice job. I got it and hope everyone can see exactly what you were going for here. Once again nice job.
Pauly

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Great work! This story was really engaging and I found myself lost in it from the beginning, in a good way!

Nice job.

Mike

[thartley]

Thanks everyone for taking a look and leaving comments.

I have to say that after reading so many of the other scripts, I see better ways I can format things in my own. This was a hard script, technically, for me to write. No only did I have Sophie going into a meditative state while still interacting with the doctor, but later I had the flashbacks.

I can't tell you how confused I got just trying to write it all out.

[MrKilloran]

Good work, nice use of suspense and good detail. A great ending also.



This was a hard script, technically, for me to write. No only did I have Sophie going into a meditative state while still interacting with the doctor, but later I had the flashbacks. .

Organization is a big part of it but yours worked. Hard scripts are always a good way to learn, just fine tune your skills and you'll be ready for the next one. Keep it up.:thumbup:

[Captain Pierce]

I can see how this would be tough technically--I think you did an OK job, though it did take me a second look-through to get to the point where I think I know what you meant. :)

The unanswered question I had was, why is Sophie's "other" personality male? That one kinda threw me...

But, overall, a good read.

[STYLZ]

Ha Ha. Very Nice. Really enjoyed that. Good tension. Nothing constructive to say really. Solid script. Good job.

[thartley]

I can see how this would be tough technically--I think you did an OK job, though it did take me a second look-through to get to the point where I think I know what you meant. :)

The unanswered question I had was, why is Sophie's "other" personality male? That one kinda threw me...

But, overall, a good read.


Yeah....this whole thing started because of a conversation I overheard at breakfast about past life regression. It was the most bizarre thing I'd ever heard, about how past lives can be male or female, and that subsequent lives are usually spent in contact with the same people, in some version or another, in similar conflict, until that conflict is resolved between the two. So I wrote a very short synopsis and went from there.

Most past lives do not overlap in consciousness, so there is a lot more to this story and is one I hope to develop further to pitch. Quite gruesome, really, and based in fact.

[alex whitmer]

Maybe add END NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE. I kept reading thinking the nightmare was still going.

This ...


I will guide you into a
much deeper relaxed state where I
will gently guide the regression

You use 'guide' twice.

STORY

Great story and easy to follow up to about 5 3/4. Page 6 had some great stuff going on, but I'm sure what was happening in what order. Kinda lost me there. My thought is the entire thing was just a passing thought - but I'm wrong 80% of the time.

Enjoyed the read a lot.

a

[arroway]

i thought it was great. i like how you split up her in the classroom and her in the dr's office at the end...very cinematic writing.

i didn't understand the irony of the line you said was ironic and the very end with the voice from beyond the door whose name is sophie...didn't make any sense to me, whatsoever.

all in all, very good.

[thartley]

i thought it was great. i like how you split up her in the classroom and her in the dr's office at the end...very cinematic writing.

i didn't understand the irony of the line you said was ironic and the very end with the voice from beyond the door whose name is sophie...didn't make any sense to me, whatsoever.

all in all, very good.

Thanks...that splitting up drove me NUTS on how to technically format it. I was freaking out at the number of scenes it looked like I was writing. I dont know enough about script writing yet to make things very clear.

The ironic line....ugh. Its something my daughter told me to leave out. She actually groaned when she read it. But the irony is that the doctor's name is Dr. Freedman, and thru the doctor's botched regression of Sophie, this male alter/past life persona has been freed... thus the irony of "Thanks doc, I'm a freed man"

Maybe I should have listened to my daughter, but I thought that line would either be a subtle clue that a male persona now inhabits Sophie's body...or it would be a club over the head with the obvious. But I can see where it would be totally lost on some, too.



I can see I need to do A LOT of work on this piece, but in the regression, when Sophie goes into the room to confront the nightmare to deal with it, she inadvertently switches places with the killer from her dreams. He takes over her body while Sophie becomes trapped in the subconscious mind. The killer, while in control of Sophie's body, first kills the doctor who will be the only link to knowing or having an inkling of what happened and then in the last page or so, the Killer-Sophie has settled into Nice-Sophie's life and no one seems the wiser. Killer-Sophie is itching for a kill and smells fresh meat in all the kids there in the classroom, but Nice-Sophie has also figured out that if the killer could torment her from beyond for so long, then she will become his personal nightmare now and act as a subconscious thorn in his side to prevent his further killing and maybe exact a little revenge of her own.

I've got loooong character backstories written on Killer-Sophie and Nice-Sophie and even an explanation of who and how Dr. Freedman fits into it all and why she is killed right off. Hopefully, if I can learn enough, I can develop this idea into something great.

[alex whitmer]

This …

NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE

Dark images of passion and violence flash, a pulse speeds to a climax and suddenly stops except for the labored breathing of one person, then abrupt silence.

I’m going to pick on this ING verb (breathing) just to demonstrate a few points.

This one is on the fence with me. Had it stopped at breathing, I’d have moved on. However, since it is followed by more information, having to pronounce the ing somewhat trips up the tongue. Say ‘labored breathing of one person’ to yourself a few times, then again without the ing. You drop a syllable and smooth out the read.

Writing has many layers to consider, and RHYTHM is one of them. Does the action read choppy, or like silk? Can you go ba bump ba bump ba bump, or is it ba ba bump ba bump? Yes, rhythm matters.

And to get way off course here …

Rhythm in your writing should match the action you are describing. If a particular scene happens in one fluid move, then write it that way. If it happens in fractured movements, then write it that way. For example …

The mounted knights stand at the ready. Steam pumps from the nostrils of their agitated horses. Hooves stomp. A signal is given. The knights ride down the hill with a menacing clamor toward a distant village.

Very choppy, but it may well be the feeling you want. And drawing attention to details by way of isolating them between periods is a sneaky (but acceptable) way of doing a little on-page directing.

If we rework this …

Mounted nights prepare for battle atop their agitated horses. A signal is given, and the knights race down the hill toward a distant village, their armor glimmering and clanging.

Here I use the ING to reinforce the ‘continuous’ action.

Point is, do you want to build up the preparation, or the attack? Both maybe?

In the film First Knight, the cinematography of scenes like these was brilliant. Watch it, then figure out how to translate that imagery and rhythm into words on a page.

Moving on …

You are using scene numbers. These are tools a director will use to set up shot lists, etc. It’s really only used in a working document, such as a shooting script.

In a straightforward script, scene numbers are a distraction and clutter.

This …

NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE

Good, but you give no indication when the nightmare sequence ends.

This …

DR. IMA FREEDMAN(40’s)is a new age psychiatrist.

For a good set designer, that’s probably enough information and they will add the set visuals to reinforce the image. However, maybe give one clue to your reader.

This …

DR. FREEDMAN
You’ve been coming here for months
and therapy alone just isn’t
working. Your leave from teaching
is almost up. Are you sure you
won’t consider light medication,
just for slee—

This is too much ‘on the nose’ information. This is our fist intro to the character, so make it count. Also, you intro the characters as sitting in chairs. No looks of concern or resignation, no slumped shoulders or twirling pens. Do these two have any kind of idiosyncrasy? Haunted kinda works, but feels incomplete.

Let’s rip this apart …

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE-DAY

DR. IMA FREEDMAN(40’s)is a new age psychiatrist. She sits in a chair opposite SOPHIE(20’s). Sophie is thin, meek with a haunted look.

DR. FREEDMAN
You’ve been coming here for months
and therapy alone just isn’t
working. Your leave from teaching
is almost up. Are you sure you
won’t consider light medication,
just for slee—

To …

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE-DAY

Eclectic and comfortable. Eastern philosophy and esotericism influence the décor. Soothing music and incense.

DR. IMA FREEDMAN(early 40’s), simple top and drawstring pants, sits at a desk, jots a few notes. She then looks across the desk at SOPHIE (late 20’s), her features drawn and eyes distant.

DR. FREEDMAN
Aren’t you feeling restless to get back to your students?

Both use the same amount of lines. 13. And - very important!!!!!!!!!!!!! - the environment of the office is now in stark contrast to the nightmare, as it is in real life. Make that happen on tha page as well, and make your reader 'feel' the two realities Sopie is experiencing. It's called 'juxtaposition'.

Dr. Freedman’s single line infers Sophie is a teacher, and has been away for some time without actually saying it. Good dialogue avoids stating the obvious or going into exposition as much as possible. The line about the drugs can also infer there has been an ongoing disagreement. Like this …

Instead of …

DR. FREEDMAN
Are you sure you
won’t consider light medication,
just for slee—

SOPHIE
No! Waking up’s all that saves
me. If I can’t wa—

Try …

SOPHIE
I don’t want to take the sleeping pills. Waking up is all that saves me. If I can’t wake up …

Then follow with

DR. FREEDMAN
Dreams can’t hurt you, Sophie.
It’s just your mind working through issues on a
subconscious level.

Now all together …

NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE

Dark images of passion and violence flash, a pulse speeds to a climax and suddenly stops except for the labored breath of one person, then abrupt silence.

END NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE-DAY

Eclectic and comfortable. Eastern philosophy and esotericism influence the décor. Soothing music and incense.

DR. IMA FREEDMAN(early 40’s), simple top and drawstring pants, sits at a desk, jots a few notes. She then looks across the desk at SOPHIE (late 20’s), her features drawn and eyes distant. Nervous fingers tug at her clothing.

DR. FREEDMAN
Aren’t you feeling restless to get back to your students?

SOPHIE
I don’t want to take the sleeping pills. Waking up is all that saves me. If I can’t wake up …

DR. FREEDMAN
Dreams can’t hurt you, Sophie.
It’s just your mind working through issues on a
subconscious level.

The original uses 30 lines, and this version uses 30 as well.

Using subtext such as this allows you to create back story and establish all kinds of details without having to spell it out, and putting your reader to sleep with so much minutia.

TBC

[alex whitmer]

This …

SOPHIE (CONT’D)

This is more a personal style thing, but …

I think (CONT’D) is overused. More often than not it’s painfully obvious, and I don’t see the need for it. Just more clutter. If, however, two pieces of related dialogue by the same character are separated by a few action blocks, say maybe 9 to 10 lines, then maybe it makes sense.

I say ‘related’ dialogue, meaning the character is following a single train of thought. If the two pieces of dialogue are unrelated, even over a chunk of action, I’d leave it off. But that’s just me. It’s this …

SOPHIE
Dialogue.

She puts out a cig.

SOPHIE (CONT’D)
More dialogue.

… that really has no need to state the obvious.

Other good use is dialogue split over two pages.

This …

DR. FREEDMAN
Well, there is another
option---regression can get us deep
into your subconscious to the root
of your nightmare.

Was this never brought up before? Seems it would have been. Maybe she could ‘remind’ Sophie of the other option, instead of introduce it for the first time.

This …

Sophie is asleep but restless. The nightmare is the same as
before but more violent.

Okay, she has just left the office. Maybe set up some kind of departure, and use the opportunity to introduce the door. Again, you want to show similarities in both worlds. Sophie is afraid to go home, afraid to go to sleep, so when she leaves the serenity of the Dr.’s office, we see her fear. Along these lines …

DR. FREEDMAN (CONT’D)
But it will work best just after
you experience the dream, when the
energy is closer to your consciousness.

Sophie stands, offers her trembling hand to Dr. Freedman. A shake. A nod. Sophie opens the door and steps through.

INT. SOPHIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Sophie bolts up in bed, screams. Her eyes search the darkness for danger. Hands shake as she fumbles to turn on a lamp and grab the phone.

Here again you are putting the two worlds side by side for maximum effect.

Grammar note: Trembling hands is a gerund, where an ING form verb acts like a noun. Not to be confused with ‘her hands are trembling’.

Skiing accident, I enjoy swimming, etc., are gerunds.

This on page 2

Sophie reclines in a chair

Why not on a sofa, or a fainting couch as they used to call them.

This …

Dr. Freedman closes the drapes at the window overlooking the city.

You could stop at drapes. Window would be the obvious place for drapes, and what is outside that window doesn’t appear to effect the story one way or the other. Now if Sophie jumps out that window in a later scene, then this would matter.

This …

DR. FREEDMAN (CONT’D)
If you’re ready, we can begin. Just
relax and focus on my voice and
directions. I will guide you into a
much deeper relaxed state where I
will gently guide the regression.
It’s important that you listen to
my voice and focus on my
instructions, okay?

I feel like I’m the one going into a deep, relaxed state just reading all this. You can lose half or more and still get your point across.

This …

Nods her head in agreement.

Nods is enough. The rest is understood.

TBC

[thartley]

Alex-

That's what I'm talking about.

:dankk2:

[preston]

cheers for top 3... :beer:

[thartley]

Thanks, Preston. It was a surprise, for sure.

[thartley]

Alex, I'm taking all you've offered and will re-work parts of the script as time allows. I sincerely appreciate the input. Everything you note makes complete sense and a world of difference.

Many thanks!

[kimko]

howzit T, hiyadoin!