Picture Perfect Memories

[seansshack]

Picture Perfect Memories.


Forget your past...

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2349/2035007699_75a52442f1_o.jpg

...or lose your future.

Logline: A grieving man discovers a gift that allows him to step backwards into his own past, but this gift comes with a price....

[Judgement]

sounds like a night at the clubs with a tall glass of strong Haitian rum and coke soda

[seansshack]

Finally came up with a logline (to go with tagline)

[conlanforever]

Sean, good job on both the tagline and the logline. Never easy to come up with (at least for me), but you've got my interest.
Nice pic too. Looking forward to reading more of your work .

[seansshack]

Thanks.

Hopefully I can do the idea justice....

[seansshack]

OK. I'm done. Six pages ain't easy. But happy with it...

[alex whitmer]

Tag and Log most definitely pique the interest.

Looking forward to it.

Alex

[seansshack]

thanks

[seansshack]

OK - will upload later. So many ideas, so little time.

[MiataFilmSomething]

Just read this one.

I'm with you on getting it down to 6 pages. It's hard to do when you have stuff that really helps out the story that you can't put in.

This was a good concept, but the ending seemed a little abrupt. I can see the motivation for going back to see his dad, but not really going back to be trapped with an old prom date. I would have had him decide to stay with his family again, only with him going back knowing what he knows now, history would have somehow changed, and he had his life to re-live again with his family.

The script had a cool Butterfly Effect kinda feel to it. From what I've read so far, your script has more potential than that movie. Lots of things you can do with this idea to make a feature.

[seansshack]

Thanks for reading and commenting. The idea was he didn't intend to be trapped. He was trapped by the photograph being taken...

The whole story is a metaphor for living in the past (you lose your future).

I was planning to write it with no dialogue and just tell the story in visuals, but decided at the last minute to do a standard narrative piece.

[alex whitmer]

SPOILERS


TECHIE STUFF


This …

FRANK
See you in a few days.

She kisses Frank on the cheek.

You follow Frank’s dialogue with a SHE pronoun. This kind of thing reads like a typo.

This ...

He is dressed in a ruffled
black suit.

Do you mean ‘rumpled’

This ...

The sun room floor is a mess of family albums
and various sized photographs. Some of the images are
framed, others just lay scattered on the wooden floor.

You have sun room floor, then later tell us it’s wooden. If it really matters, tell us this when you intro the room. Also, no need to say floor twice. We also know he’s in the sun room, so can that as well. Try ...

The wood floor is a mess of family albums
and various sized photographs. Some of the images are
framed, others just lay scattered.

So, the framed photos are in a neat stack and the unframed ones are scattered? That’s sorts how this reads.

To really clean this up ...

Photo albums, framed and loose photos of all sizes, lay scattered across the wood floor.

28 words down to 15 to paint the same picture.

Glean your script for more opportunities to streamline.

This ...

His eyes fix of the door

What? Do you mean ‘on’ the door?

This ...

His tears drip down on the photograph
and suddenly.

Might be better to use a text wrap here so we know suddenly is not the end of the thought. This doesn’t follow with much indication we are going backward in time, like FLASHBACK, or some other indication we have some time travel, and we are left to figure it out by process of deduction.

Page 2

This ...

Frank turns and hugs his brother as he walks away.

PETER (CONT'D)
Take it easy man. Take it easy.

Frank lets his smiling brother go, as he walks towards the
bedroom door.

‘As’ is a funny word. You really only want to use it when two action are happening simultaneously. In the samples above, the actions are somewhat illogical.

In the first one, they are hugging as they walk. I think you mean Frank hugs his brother just as he turns to walk away.

The second one is about the same. I think you mean he lets go, THEN the brother heads for the door, not AS.

Page 3

This ...

Frank walk in

Typo.

This ...

Besotted

I’m a huge fan of the B words. It saddens me they are a dying part of English. Many young writers have never even heard of them. English has been besmirched by textese. Lol. Glad I stumbled across one.

I think all this back and forth in the photo should be slugged with something like VISION SEQUENCE, or along those lines.

This ...

Grabbing himself
and pinching his cheek.

Avoid the ING verbs. Stick with simple present as much as possible to keep your story a clean read.

This ...

A overweight fortune teller.

Typo.

Page 4

This ...

Moss takes his palm as he smiles at Frank’s ...

This is pronoun confusion. I think you mean Moss takes Frank’s palm.

Page 5

This ...

I’ve. I’ve never seen it before.
You’re lifeline is regressed.

‘I’ve’ should maybe have text wrap. A period really chops this up.

This ...

He picks up a picture of him standing next to a YOUNG GIRL

By young girl I took this to be a child, but it seems it is Frank’s prom date, so maybe say teen girl.

This ...

Cathy walks into behind Sally.

Typo.

Page 6

This ...

Sally raises the photo

Do you mean picks up



STORY


Well, I’m a little confused. I guess Frank simply vanished like he never existed. A lot to like here, but needs a little fine tuning to kick it over the top.

The fortune teller scene needs work. I’d like to see more desperation on Frank’s part, and more fear on the FTs part. He or she has never seen this and is spooked. Play that up.

Not sure why mom and daughter had to go after the funeral. It comes across as a convenience. Maybe give a reason.

Also, I’d like to see it made clear if Frank made a conscious decision to vanish into his past, or it was some other supernatural deal.

Nice job. Work on your sentence structure a little so you can streamline, and opens up some space to detail this out.

[seansshack]

Thanks Alex. Wish I had as much time to write as you have to review - as can be seen by my typo's.

(kids causing a mini riot in the background as I type)

[Judgement]

Sean- after reading this awesome script- I think you did a wonderful job!
Keep up the excellence work!

[seansshack]

Sean- after reading this awesome script- I think you did a wonderful job!
Keep up the excellence work!

Thanks. Means a lot when someone enjoys your work.

A bit of insight on the background for this. I was looking at some old pictures and found one of myself (16ish) standing in my old room. Posters of David Bowie and moon landings on the wall and I look at an open door behind me (in the picture). Just thought "through that door and down that hall was my Dad, younger and before he got sick with Parkinson's disease - 15 year battle". I just felt it I could go back. Into that picture just for a moment and see him, talk to him. So it stuck in my head and interested me to write something around it. With the theme of living in the past will prevent you from living (effect your future). We can't go back. But if we could, how many of us would.

Was interested reading an interview with Gary Oldman (when I started writing for the fest) and he mentioned looking at old photo's of himself as a boy and just wanting to be in that picture again...

Stop ranting now. Thanks again.

[Judgement]

It's features like this one the Sci-fi channel should produce.

[seansshack]

Thanks. That's a great compliment indeed.

I was told this before about a full length feature I wrote (about aliens on the moon/moonbase/terror attacks etc), but didn't manage to find anywhere to submit it.

Thanks again and best of luck in the fest with your piece.:beer:

[conlanforever]

You did a good job of getting me emotionally invested in the characters, mainly Frank. I really felt for the guy. When he went back to see his Father that's a really good moment in the script, well written.

The end for me lacked the emotional punch that the rest of the script had and I was ready to be knocked out. I think my only problem was I didn't know who Marie was and I had no emotional connection to her. Maybe if there was a different picture he could go back into with family or if Marie were foreshadowed as to having had some impact on his life.

I liked the ending with him trapped in his past.

Overall, I enjoyed the script, . Great concept and well written.

[seansshack]

Cheers. I was trying to show (in short a space) that he was taking enjoying too much of his past - not just his father/brother by old flames and thus almost deserved what he got. As he had forgotten his wife and child.

The trigger was the loss of his father that tapped into his ability through extreme grief, but when warned he was dipping into trouble, he ignored it.

Thanks again. I think a 10 page short with him slowly learning he is losing what he has would be far superior.

[pauly_the_hitman]

I really enjoyed the script I just wish there where more to it. Maybe a couple more pages. 6 pages is really hard to write and effective script. Good Job.
Pauly

[seansshack]

Thanks Pauly. Sci-fi requires broad strokes with imagination and story, but six pages confined them.

But at least it allows us all to see if our stories and worth fleshing out...

Thanks again.

[MrKilloran]

Was interested reading an interview with Gary Oldman (when I started writing for the fest) and he mentioned looking at old photo's of himself as a boy and just wanting to be in that picture again...

[insert ominous music] Should try and get in touch with Oldman and send him that script, might be of some interest to him haha.

Seriously though, good work, I enjoyed it, minor errors here and there but nothing to big. Definitely an engaging story, keep it up.

[seansshack]

[insert ominous music] Should try and get in touch with Oldman and send him that script, might be of some interest to him haha.


Will give him a bell after tea...

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

I like endings like this, very cool.
Fit the theme perfectly. Polish it up and this could be a great Twilight Fest entry in the right hands.

Well done.

Mike

[seansshack]

Thanks.

+ great suggestion. If anyone is interested for Twilight Fest, drop me a line and she's yours (after a polish of course...

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Thanks.

+ great suggestion. If anyone is interested for Twilight Fest, drop me a line and she's yours (after a polish of course...They should. This could be done quite easily and effectively in the right hands. Good luck!

:beer:

[STYLZ]

Pretty cool Idea. I feel I need an explanation on how frank is time travelling. Thats's just me though. There was one dialog part that distracted me a bit. "looks like daddy has been looking at old photo's again. Whatcha got there?" Everyone knows why the photo's are there, no need to repeat it. Seems too fake. Other than that I thought this was a well done and interesting concept/premise. Another one of those "would make a good feature length project". Thanks for sharing.

[seansshack]

"looks like daddy has been looking at old photo's again

To make us think that they think as they say that Daddy was indeed going through family photo's - but now Daddy is no longer daddy.

So the line makes us think all that has happens is "as is" and they have just returned home. But then we see he is not longer there.

The line helps us feel. All is fine. The family are back and he made a mess. Daddy is still Daddy...


Thanks for the read.

[krestofre]

The scene with the fortune teller felt contrived to me. If you're down and confused and needing to talk to someone a fortune teller isn't the first person that comes to mind.

Otherwise, nice script.

[Captain Pierce]

I'm intrigued by the concept, but (as already mentioned) it does seem cramped at this length. I'd agree with krestofre that the fortune teller bit seems odd--maybe you could have used that space to show another scene or two from the photos that could have hinted at him eventually getting trapped.

But an interesting read at any rate. I can easily see it going longer.

(Oh, and--logically, Sally should look different if somebody new is her father now, but obviously you have to just overlook that one. :) )

[seansshack]

or she got her mother's looks?

Two of my kids look more like my wife than me.

But to use a different actress would throw it on it's head.

Thanks for reading.

[arroway]

Frank is sitting at the same spot as before.could easily be: "Frank sits in the same spot as before" and it would read a lot quicker, a lot more fluid.


Sally walks into the room and looks down at the collection
of photographs on the floor. Her attention is taken by one
photograph on the floor.redundant. how about "one in particular holds her attention.

overall, apart from the passive voice, i thought it was a great script. i liked the fortune teller scene although i think it should be set up earlier in some way. he might pass a sign or maybe his father gave him a free reading there as a joke gift? i don't know. something. the gimmick (kind of reminded me of the last shot in "the shining")is cool and it would be infinitely easy to produce and film which, considering a lot of the other entries here, you should get some kind of special award for.

probably my favorite entry of the fest.

go film it!

[seansshack]

Thanks for the review and compliment. Gotta stop using that passive voice.

Nice idea with the fortune teller scene. Might work with more emotion if he did go while in the past.

For some reason. I see him gasping for breath (like someone coming up for air when swimming) each time be comes back to present time.

You're right. Would be easy to shoot and should work very well. Would be very low-def if I "tried" to shoot it...

[seansshack]

Was thinking of expanding on this and writing it 10 pages + changing the setting to a motel/hotel (is where he is staying and jumping through time/getting addicted).

Would someone help me with read if I return the favour?

[seansshack]

No takers?

Read for read (on revised script).

[conlanforever]

Just saw your post Sean, I'll do a revised script read swap. I'm going to re-write my first scriptfest entry God's Warehouse.

[seansshack]

Cool thanks. Will have it ready in a couple of days - preparing to present a paper in Dublin tomorrow (can feel the nerves creeping), so should be clear to work in it after that.

Thanks again.

[conlanforever]

Cool, good luck with the paper.

[seansshack]

Thanks. Went OK. Just hate that speaking in front of a crowd thingi.


Working on a new draft now...

[seansshack]

Still working on this, should be ready in a couple of days (real work got in the way)

[seansshack]

I have a draft ready if you have the God's Warehouse new draft?

It's presently 15 pages and I would need to get her down to ten pages. But at this stage I'm mostly interested in seeing if the story works.

Thanks

[Jay Rodriguez]

Hey Sean! :)

Where's the link to the script? I have some time on my hands right now and wanted to check it out.

[seansshack]

Hey,

Just emailed you both versions.

One is six pages with less locations and the other is 15 (bit more expensive to shoot).