Pupae

[alex whitmer]

Pupae



Be careful what you learn




http://thegoloaffair.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/pupae-71.jpg







Coming to a SciFi Script Fest near you




While capturing forbidden music from old paper and ceramic fragments, a man stumbles upon a horrible and ancient truth. To what ends will he go to protect this truth?

[mjjason]

Wow, that was quick. What does Pupae mean? I looked it up on google but all I saw was stuff on insects.

[alex whitmer]

Comes from Latin for doll. It's the last stage some insects (butterfly) go through before metamorphosis is complete.

a

[ConspiracyPenguin]

Looking good. I will probably lull for a few days trying to decide if I am going to use the script I have now. If so, I will post up soon.

[Judgement]

Cool......

[mjjason]

Comes from Latin for doll. It's the last stage some insects (butterfly) go through before metamorphosis is complete.
Ah, sounds like an interesting topic look forward to reading it.

[alex whitmer]

First draft complete! Now for the hard part.

a

www.guerro.wordpress.com

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com

[Drew Ott]

I'm looking forward to reading this Alex.

[alex whitmer]

Sci-Fi is so not my genre.


a

http://www.oswald.us/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/bunny-pancake.jpg

[Russell Moore]

Its got me intrigued Alex.
After reading your entry for the first scriptfest, I'm looking forward to reading what you come up with for this one.

[seansshack]

From what I read the last time, I imagine you can tackle any genre.

Looking forward to reading this, sounds interesting...

[alex whitmer]

Final draft done!

[seansshack]

Well done. I have a long way to go...

[alex whitmer]

Strange stuff going on in the world of science. The research was fun if not disconcerting.

a

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Can't wait to read it!

[alex whitmer]

I'm a little nervous. Been too quiet around here. Afraid I'll sleep through the deadline. Anybody know what's up?

a

[Noel Evans]

Hi Alex, Ive just come off a shoot, so will be hitting the final laps the next few days. Damn you for being finished.

[seansshack]

Say it's quite because of holiday season...

[Russell Moore]

I hear ya Alex....Hope you're right Sean, I'm starting to wonder if there's 45 signed up for scriptfest II or five...

[Noel Evans]

Looking forward to the read. Actually pretty much looking forward to what everyone comes up with.

[alex whitmer]

Uploaded, dude.

a

[preston]

i hope they hurry up and post these things so i can read Pupae.

:)

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Looking forward to this one as well!

[jamiejay]

great title. i'm interested to see if insects are involved at all... or if you were just referring to dolls. either way, i'm looking forward to reading it :)

[alex whitmer]

Seems Tuesday (or Wednesday) can't come fast enough. I'm so looking forward to reading all these.

Pupae - dolls or insects? Soon to be revealed!

a

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Dolls with bugs in their hair.

Bring it! :)

[alex whitmer]

Up until now I have never been a big fan of the genre (snoozed during Star Wars, threw my hands up in disgust during The Island) and cringed when I saw the official announcement. 'Aw crap' was all I could muster. However, once I started doing a little research just to see what's out there, low and behold, I was sucked in.

I think my biggest complaint with SciFi is that it seems to trade away the 'human stories' for SFX and robots and eye candy. In truth, I can't think of one film that really blew me away for story. FX, yeah, great stuff. Who will ever forget Yoda? But story? Yawn.

Judging from the taglines and a history of great creativity here, no doubt my anti-scifi slant is about to change. Kicking and screaming of course, but about to change.

aw

[alex whitmer]

Dolls with bugs in their hair.

Bring it! :)

Dang it all, you gave it away!

(not)

[nitramlehcar]

I felt the same way about Star Wars! Not my genre either...except for Star Trek. shhhh..don't tell!

I can't wait to read this one. Best plotline I've seen so far. :thumbsup:

[AJ Brooks]

While capturing forbidden music from old paper and ceramic fragments, a man stumbles upon a horrible and ancient truth. He now faces certain death to protect this truth.



I remember seeing a Myth Busters episode along these lines. It's a great idea. Can't wait to read it!

[Mike McNeese]

As always, Alex, I'm really looking forward to your stuff!

[alex whitmer]

Hey Mike, glad to see you pop in. A rare visit!

Hopefully Pupae will be at least mildly entertaining to some, brilliant for a few, and maybe nauseating for the rest!

aw

[krestofre]

Alex, this is a fantastic script! First off, you're playing with a genre close to my heart. Not only is it Sci-Fi, but it's dystopian so-different-that-nothing-I-know-matters Sci-Fi. Yet, you give us enough detail that we follow what's going on. There are strikingly powerful visuals in the script and I'd love to see it on the screen. You also really demonstrate how to handle the six-page script with the scope of your story. Excellent job.

The only critique I have, and it's a small one, is the use of the word "sh*t." It seemed out of place for the character and for the setting. Maybe it's just me, but current curse words in Science Fiction that's not grounded in our current society has always bugged me.

I really enjoyed the script!

[nitramlehcar]

Wow. You totally had me. Didn't see that coming at all. I went Biblical...but I'm a Religious Studies student, so that's expected.

Just one question. Why did Hypatia have an abundance of body hair? Was that somehow connected to the evolution?

[alex whitmer]

Wow. You totally had me. Didn't see that coming at all. I went Biblical...but I'm a Religious Studies student, so that's expected.

Just one question. Why did Hypatia have an abundance of body hair? Was that somehow connected to the evolution?


SPOILERS


Yes, the de-evolution of a select group has already begun. Hypatia would be maybe Cro-Magnon, and then we later see Neanderthal.

Biblical? Much better than going postal!

alex

[nitramlehcar]

Cerebral Sci-Fi is the best kind. Fantastic job. :thumbup:

[alex whitmer]

it's dystopian

Favorite of mine as well. Always like to use is as a theme when teaching English to Poli Sci Profs. Never dull.

You're right on the Sh#t. I hated it, but couldn't find another word that expressed what I wanted. I was enjoying a brain-freeze on the last draft when that crept in.

Thanks for the read.

Alex

[Redcloak]

I liked the script, you have a very accomplished style.

But very quickly- I don't personally like character descriptions such as 'with an eye for detail', as they're not visible attributes and should be shown through action (as you pretty much do).

And unless I'm very much mistaken, Neanderthals and the Cro-Magnon co-existed and don't follow in the evolutionary process. I think the Neanderthals were in fact made extinct by them... We are descended from the homo-sapiens side of things I think, although someone else is probably better placed to confirm that.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

SPOILERS:




And unless I'm very much mistaken, Neanderthals and the Cro-Magnon co-existed and don't follow in the evolutionary process. I think the Neanderthals were in fact made extinct by them... We are descended from the homo-sapiens side of things I think, although someone else is probably better placed to confirm that.
I believe that this is true but the Cro-Magnon was deemed to be a more evolved form of man at that time. So even though they crossed paths I don't think it is a mistake to place them in that order, as far as evolution goes, or devolution. :beer:

Alex, this was poo pooing brilliant! I only wish I had the skills (SFX-wise) to pull this puppy off. I was sucked right in and you really nailed the theme of this Fest.
Really, this was some great script writing!

I fell in love with the main characters instantly and cared deeply about what was going to happen to them. Loved Hypatia's goodbye to her Mom.

10 Stars!

[preston]

technically, there's really nothing to comment on because you pretty much know and follow the rules... you already know this though. plus, it's obvious (from my entry) that i still have a lot to learn before i can tell what's right or wrong, and why.

i'm having problems opening PDF docs right now, so i'll have to remember your story from last night's reading.... actually, i'm going to try another PC and see if i can find one that works. grrr, more later....

[MattinSTL]

Very impressive... I felt the story was logical and had no problems. It's rare for me to read any fiction and not feel annoyed at the filler... but this was solid content. I didn't have any problems with the details, as I could see everything playing out accordingly in my mind.

Thanks for a good read.

It felt like Pohl Anderson meets 1984... which is pretty good company to be in.

[alex whitmer]

And unless I'm very much mistaken, Neanderthals and the Cro-Magnon co-existed and don't follow in the evolutionary process. I think the Neanderthals were in fact made extinct by them... We are descended from the homo-sapiens side of things I think, although someone else is probably better placed to confirm that.

I did struggle with this a little (and Mike is correct as to their contemporaneous relationship) and since it was only two-hundred years that had passed, I went for the two closest possibilites. The memory sticks aren't going to last as long as clay tablets, so I needed a short devolutionary relationship.

I suppose some could (and will) argue Cro-magnon couldn't devolve to Neanderthal since they were from two different branches, say like a wolf and a huskie.

But hey, this is film.

Thank you for the read and comments.

aw

[alex whitmer]

Alex, this was poo pooing brilliant. 10 Stars!

Thanks for the kind words, Mike.

This was a lot of fun to write, and since it really isn't my genre of choice, I had to walk away from it a number of times before finishing the final draft - and we all know that in standard English, FINAL does mean finished, but in screen writing final means something quite different.

Judging from what I have seen of your work, I'd love for you to do this film. Start reading FX books!

alex

[alex whitmer]

It felt like Pohl Anderson meets 1984... which is pretty good company to be in.

Do you mean Poul?

Yes, good company indeed. One can always aspire to master the craft like that. Someday maybe, so long as the wine is cheap.

Thanks for the read, Matt. Much appreciated.

alex

[alex whitmer]

Speaking of science fiction, this is really unsettling if it ends up in the wrong hands, which happens about 90% of the time.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080814/sc_livescience/robothasbiologicalbrain

aw

[nitramlehcar]

Speaking of science fiction, this is really unsettling if it ends up in the wrong hands, which happens about 90% of the time.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080814/sc_livescience/robothasbiologicalbrain

aw


Well, that reads like the beginning of an unsettling apocalyptic film.

[seansshack]

Very solid piece of writing Alex. Visual and well matched to Sci-Fi.

I had to read it twice as I was unsure why they didn't go after him before hand.

For me I would open on a close up of a mosquito sucking blood. Also maybe a mention of people going missing, sense of dread/fear throughout.

But just me. Well written and captivating story, especially for six pages. Looks like I started with a strong piece, but wanted to read this since you posted the logline.

Great work and good luck with it.

[MattinSTL]

I must have been glued to the script, because it felt very clear to me... the missing of the first hints, the point of extra hair, and I especially like how I got the "prequel" buzz at the end... where you realize that history is repeating itself... in pseudo-reverse. Very cool... loved it.

I wish I could give you a couple of my ideas and have you script them for me... or maybe just swap brains for a day.

[David W. Richardson]

Very well done! I haven't read the other comments because I didn't want my views tainted or filtered in any way, so forgive me if any of this has already been addressed.

Very original and interesting. A good read! But I had a few issues with it....

Hunched laborers are toiling in the soil, but the lemon trees are 'in the distance'. So what are the laborers directly toiling at? Or with? Are they just digging dirt to prepare a new field, or what? I was unclear.

"...a haggard and hairy man with an eye for detail..." I'm always bothered by descriptions like "with an eye for detail". It doesn't seem to be something that can be immediately conveyed to an audience. "haggard" and "hairy" will both be obvious to the audience when they see the man, so they are appropriate descriptions. It seems to me that if you want to convey to the audience that he has an eye for detail, then you do that through his actions, not through description. But maybe that's just me.

"A voice -- HYAPATIA's voice -- startles him." Seems repetitive. I probably would have written "HYAPATIA's voice startles him." Or "A voice (HYAPATIA) startles him."

I have a little bit of a hard time believing a single lemon could run an electronic projector contraption, but maybe that's because I don't have a solid grasp of how technologically advanced that piece of equipment is. I equate it to a Super-8 movie projector, which would require way more 'juice' (pardon the pun.) But you were constrained by the 6-page count -- this could be explored and explained better in a longer script.

The watching of and listening to the fragments was VERY interesting! I don't know why he needed to switch to another lemon, though -- nothing indicated the first one was running out of 'juice'.

The next scene -- INT. CELL MEMORY SWITCHBOARD -- leaves me confused. With almost no description at all, and no reference point, I am simply unable to envision what you see in your mind that this place should look like. A bit of general description to set the scene would have been helpful to me.

"The child dissipates"??? I'm not sure what that means.

"William is zapped to smithereens." This line seems out of place and not adequately descriptive to me.

Okay, that's it. I tend to be very analytical, as you can tell. :) But a VERY good story. Very interesting, creative, a good read. Congrats!

David

[David W. Richardson]

I hope I wasn't too critical or nitpicky. I really do think it's a GREAT script! I gave it 8 stars.

[alex whitmer]

For me I would open on a close up of a mosquito sucking blood.

Like this idea, maybe a combination with the toiling workers.

Thanks for reading it. Comments are appreciated.

alex

[alex whitmer]

I wish I could give you a couple of my ideas and have you script them for me ... or maybe just swap brains for a day.

I'm up for either!

Alex

[seansshack]

no problem - gave it an eight!!!!

[alex whitmer]

I hope I wasn't too critical or nitpicky

Not at all. Excellent observations.

First question (I have no idea how you guys do those multiple quote boxes)

''So what are the laborers directly toiling at?''

Preparing soil for planting.

''I have a little bit of a hard time believing a single lemon could run an electronic projector contraption''

With today's technology, not really. I'm thinking future where microchips needing very little power, and maybe improved conductivity could one day make it possible, Maybe!

''The next scene -- INT. CELL MEMORY SWITCHBOARD -- leaves me confused''

I sure would have liked another line or two for this. You're right.

''The child dissipates"??? I'm not sure what that means.''

The image slowlt disintigrates.

"William is zapped to smithereens." This line seems out of place and not adequately descriptive to me.''

Maybe not the best choice of words. I'll revisit that.


The read is very much appreciated.

alex

[nitramlehcar]

I just posted a similar comment about the quote boxes. I can't figure it out either!

And I think this post makes me a Senior Member! Party time! Cake anyone? :birthdays::beer:

[Mark Harris]

Hey Alex, this is really nice. I like the whole world you create right off the bat. I also like the gradual release of information, each piece building on the last.


*************************SPOILERS***************** ***********


I have a SUPER TINY nit-pick which might just be due to time. When the Sumerian Scribe says to the other one: "Why must we write what's not true." it feels a little off. Like if you had more pages, I think you could easily have taken the time to draw us into the Sumerian world a little more and give a series of images to get the point across. I don't know what those are, but the line feels like something he would not say to his partner, but something he would say only to give us information: exposition. And it stands out, because you show so much restraint throughout the rest of the piece in only describing images and actions.

Again, a SUPER-TINY nitpick.

I love the stuff with the mosquitoes.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I don't mind that because the piece is really compelling. But I'm not exactly sure what the watchers are up to.

We see the Sumerians, who are in the past. But are we to think that they were MORE evolved than the current people? This is my presumption from the last scene. That the watchers somehow devolve humans every time humans get close to the truth. But if that's the case, there's the contraption William has, which obviously shows a furthered evolution. A Sumerian would not even be able to wrap his head around the concepts involved in that gadget.

Again, I don't totally mind being confused, as I keep thinking about it and trying to work it out. I like that in a film.

Or am I just way off?

[alex whitmer]

Or am I just way off?

Man did you miss it. This is about two guys that went fishing!

!!

Agree on the tiny nitpik. I need to revisit that.

My idea was that the watchers are the perenial evil doers that want to control humanity, and have for thousands of years looked for a way to create a slave class. The scribe knew then, and warned of it.

Now with modern technologies, the ''prophecy'' is coming true. Hypatia and William are the first generation in select devolution.

Yeah, I'd love to develop the Sumerian angle a little, and add some translations to what the Scribe is really talking about. There is much more to it, but hey - six pages!! Did the best I could!

Really appreciate the cread and comments.

alex

[jasonthewho]

Great script! I still have a lot more to read, but this is one of my early favorites. Would love to see you develop it further and to see it made.

Lots of great detail and originality. It's been said, but the mosquitos are brilliant.

I personally preferred this to your last Scriptfest entry.

This line:
WILLIAM
Shit. I think we need to find out what’s really on these tablets.

Didn't work for me. Seems forced, and a bit too modern.

One idea: I love the music that's worked in throughout the script. I think it'd be cool if it played into the climax. Perhaps as he rips out the memory sticks to give to Hypatia, he inadvertently starts some fractured music. The music plays over William's death, etc. until the machine is destroyed, then the music finally stops.

[alex whitmer]

Hey Jason,

A most excellent thought on the music at the end. I'll tinker with that. Also agree on the sh-t line. Doesn't belong in this script.

I really appreciate your reading it!

Alex

[Mark Harris]

Man did you miss it. This is about two guys that went fishing!

!!

Agree on the tiny nitpik. I need to revisit that.

My idea was that the watchers are the perenial evil doers that want to control humanity, and have for thousands of years looked for a way to create a slave class. The scribe knew then, and warned of it.

Now with modern technologies, the ''prophecy'' is coming true. Hypatia and William are the first generation in select devolution.


So that's what I didn't really get. I don't think there is enough info in the Sumerian stuff to give me that. And I did not put it together from the marching forth of the Chembots.

I guess I assumed that the a similar marching of the chembots was what got the Sumerian.

So if selective devolution is the new tactic, what were the old tactics the Watchers had? Was that the "Writing things that are not true?" They used mis-information through religion or whatever, to hide their existence?

Also, what is their goal? I don't think it needs to be in the script, but I think you need to lock it down a little more in your head, if you haven't. The slave class stuff is kind of generic. Slaves for what? "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"

Also, are the watchers humans as well, thus did not have technology in Sumerian times? Or are they aliens? I thought aliens at first, but since you wrote that above, I now think hey are just some other humans.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

So that's what I didn't really get. I don't think there is enough info in the Sumerian stuff to give me that. And I did not put it together from the marching forth of the Chembots.

I guess I assumed that the a similar marching of the chembots was what got the Sumerian.

So if selective devolution is the new tactic, what were the old tactics the Watchers had? Was that the "Writing things that are not true?" They used mis-information through religion or whatever, to hide their existence?

Also, what is their goal? I don't think it needs to be in the script, but I think you need to lock it down a little more in your head, if you haven't. The slave class stuff is kind of generic. Slaves for what? "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"

Also, are the watchers humans as well, thus did not have technology in Sumerian times? Or are they aliens? I thought aliens at first, but since you wrote that above, I now think hey are just some other humans.I believe they are Humans but Alex can obviously answer that much better than I.

I'm so intrigued by this story, I would love some of Mark's questions to be answered in a longer draft. Great stuff!

I'll be getting around to everyone's entries over the weekend.

Cheers,

Mike

[alex whitmer]

I think you need to lock it down a little more in your head, if you haven't.

There is much more to it, and more or less locked in my head, and I would like to develp this story to encompass it. I won't discuss it in a public forum, however, especially since there appears to be about 4 lurkers to every participant.

I'll be happy to share it with you PM.

Yeah, I know there are unanswered questions, and 7 pages probably could have fixed that, 8 would have been better!!

Couse, if we apply the darwinian theory to screen writing , 8 pages would have only created more unaswered questiions!

alex

[Mark Harris]

Ha, yeah, I don't need to know it, but would love to read a longer version when you have one.

[MiataFilmSomething]

For some reason, I loved any scene that had lemons. Just a cool idea! Seriously.

This was a solid script, the only issue I had with it is that I'm not sure how they could make someone de-evolve. Was it happening through the mosquitos? (which was cool, by the way) What was causing them to de-evolve?

This also has a lot of potential for some cool art and production value. Well done!

[Russell Moore]

I thought this was brilliant. I loved the world you created. I really cared about the characters and what was going to happen to them. The mosquitos, the lemons, great stuff.

The sh*t and the smithereens words felt out of place, but you've already replied to that. I think the only reason smithereens felt out of place was the rest of your script was so descriptive.

The idea of de-evolution was great. I really liked how everything came back around with Hypatia running out with the memory sticks and them being found again.

If they are de-evolving, I assume this means their capacity for intelligence will decrease. So would a cro-magnon man be able to use the technology that's available? The Neanderthal would have the intelligence to figure out what a memory stick is?

It seems the script has everyone thinking, which is a good thing.
Your writing is just top notch, a great script.

[alex whitmer]

Was it happening through the mosquitos?

They are taking blood samples. Just tools of the watchers to keep an eye on things.

I just hope the lemon thing is plausible!!


Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

[ghalied]

Wow. I read one of your other scripts (on another forum) and I remember think that you had the technical skill of scriptwriting down pat, but this is on a whole other level. Seriously, your scriptwriting is out of this universe. You could write about an accountant doing taxes for two weeks and I would read it.

As for content, I loved this (I didn't quite get your previous script I read). The world, character, ideas are all very well developed and you have a fascinating story. I loved the way technology is very advanced and yet not obtrusive in the rural world.

About the only glitch I had with the script, was that it was a bit complex for a quick read (and therefore unsuitable as a shooting script). But then again you managed to fit an unbelievable amount of content into 6 pages. Made my struggles with the 6 page limit seem puerile.

Thank you for the read. Well done and good luck for the competition. You're definitely one of the contenders.

[alex whitmer]

The sh*t and the smithereens words felt out of place

I've getting mugged for that.

I think after the fest I'm going to add a page or two so the questions on how de-evolution works are answered. There are a few things the watchers didn't account for.

alex

[alex whitmer]

I loved the way technology is very advanced and yet not obtrusive in the rural world.

This was an important concept I was shooting for. I wanted to show a dichotomy of realities.

The Scribe deal was partly to highlight the fact that no matter the tools or technology, things never really change.


alex

[majikfraug]

The lemons didn't bother me at all, I thought they were entirely appropriate given the level of technology in the script and the current trends in miniaturization, micro-circuitry, and superconductivity/power optimization. An average lemon has about 1 volt of potential. A standard D-cell is 1.5 volts and my cell phone batery is 3.7V, so given a couple hundred years, I think it's entirely plausible. Of course that completely ignores the fact that most modern electronic devices need a much higher current than a single lemon could provide, but hey, it's the future we're talking about right? I'd just play the "room-temp super conductor" card if asked.
What did bother me (aside from some of the evolutionary theory utilized and already mentioned, in part), was the idea that slave laborers would have any idea how to wire a lemon as a power source. How many of the non-de-evolved humans reading this post (and therefor capable of, at least, the mental capacity to use a modern computer) could wire lemons to light up a single LED?
Minor logic and theory problems aside, it was a great read. The fact is that I can accept the story, the characters, and the world in which the action takes place, and I would probably not be too nit-picky in the actual viewing of the finished film -provided the production value was on par with the (very high) level of the writing.

[alex whitmer]

Thank you, Majikfraug, for the read and kind words.

I think your take on future super-conductivity and such are right on the money. Some of it will come out of a need to conserve. Someday all the petroleum and natural gas will be gone, but we'll still have sunshine and lemons!!

I'm working this into a little bit longer version/story and will address the de-evolution issues then. I have a few ideas on how the watchers overlooked one important detail.

I guess I'm from the generation where lemon experiments were done in the 5th grade, and potato clocks in the 6th. I suppose now it's how to get your gameboy to run on the acids found in pepsi, and lemon technology has been forgotten.

Again, appreciate the read.

[preston]

hey, i'm finally getting back to you... sorry.

anyway, like i said - you know the rules and you follow them. i couldn't critique format if i wanted to (not that you need it), so onto the story...

great concept. i can tell you really thought about it a lot, and from the discussion, i take it there's still a lot more to be told.

writing... i can also tell you're having fun, that you really enjoy the creative part of working in such a structured environment. plus, your experience shows.

thank you for your detailed critiques on all the scripts. i know i appreciate the feedback and suggestions. i replied to some of your comments over in my thread for 'the vanishing'.

can't wait for next time...

preston

[Samantha Hazard]

the only technical thing I can say is that scenes need to be numbered for production simplicity. One thing I know from being on set for multiple films --producing, assistant directing, production coordinating, and script supervising-- is that the numbered scenes (just beside the slug) is that script formatting should not only include page numbers, but scene numbers, and (CONTINUED) at the bottom of the page (unless the scene is finished at that point) and # CONTINUED: on the top of the pages. It helps the actors, director, editors, and anyone else who might need to know where they are.


I realize that was repetative, but I cannot stress the simplicity it offers.

As far as the story went, I enjoyed it. The idea was a fresh look at the beginnings of man. It was a bit confusing at first where you were going with it, but the last scene 200 yrs later really brought it together and made the whole thing a little more intriguing.

Though the page limit was short, you did well with what you had and I think that (after scrptfest of course) if you wanted to keep working on it, you could add a little more with the dialog and presentation of character.

[seansshack]

the only technical thing I can say is that scenes need to be numbered for production simplicity. One thing I know from being on set for multiple films --producing, assistant directing, production coordinating, and script supervising-- is that the numbered scenes (just beside the slug) is that script formatting should not only include page numbers, but scene numbers, and (CONTINUED) at the bottom of the page (unless the scene is finished at that point) and # CONTINUED: on the top of the pages. It helps the actors, director, editors, and anyone else who might need to know where they are.

But this is only when writing shooting scripts. With spec scripts, its not required.

[alex whitmer]

thank you for your detailed critiques on all the scripts. i know i appreciate the feedback and suggestions.

Welcome. I enjoy reading and commenting, and there is always something to learn from every script I read.

I appreciate your kind words.

Alex

[alex whitmer]

you could add a little more with the dialog and presentation of character.

Agree, and hopefully I can address that in a 10 page version.

really appreciate the read and comments.

alex

[pauly_the_hitman]

Agree, and hopefully I can address that in a 10 page version.

really appreciate the read and comments.

alex


I loved the 6 page version and would love to see the 10 page version put me on the list now. Anyway aside from all of the nit picking done here I think we can all agree that this is a really cool, imaginative, and entertaining script. Well done.
Pauly

[alex whitmer]

put me on the list

Sure thing.

The hard part will be to not take away from the intended simplicity of it. There have been some really good suggestions and questions to address, so all I need now is a bottle of wine and prolonged stupor, and I'm ready to tackle it.

Thaks for the read and kind words.

Alex

[MrKilloran]

I've got nothing to say really besides whats already been said, this was very impressive work. You're certainly an artist with excellent skills. You've got this process down to a t, and I just want to know more, if there's a longer version out there, I'm excited to see what you have to add to this story.

[alex whitmer]

I'm excited to see what you have to add to this story.

Thank you for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed the story.

Pretty much undecided on what to add as of yet, but hopefully some grain of inspiration will come along.

Thanks for reading.

alex

[pauly_the_hitman]

Well at least I can look froward to you shredding my script. I see you are probably on pace to read it sometime next month. LOL but seriously I await your response to "The Choice".
Pauly

[Russell Moore]

Alex, If you are going to write a longer version of the script. I would love to read it. Put me on the contact list :)
I think its a really good script now and would be really interested to see some of things you have mentioned integrated into the script.

[realogist]

this is an excellent script. You must have lot of experience in reading and writing of stories. Great descriptions and use of words and dialogue. I liked how you embedded subtext and back story into natural flowing dialogue that didn't seem forced. Great job.

The story is simple, very sci-fi, but has a very human aspect to it, which allows your audience to relate to the characters easily. I like the way you build up the mystery and suspense, then danger, conflict, and resolution.

I feel like this could be a feature, there is a lot going on and you did a nice job of cramming it into a short.

my only critique, and this is a super minor one, is too much sci-fi elements disconected me for a bit. like in a field (where, the future, earth) who are these people, humans, aliens.. they are using strange devices to farm paper? hard to imagine what the place looks like and the devices they are using, then the holograms, sound waves.... but, again, this is the only thing that bothered me just so slightly. u did great job with describing these new sci-fi elements and putting them in context. not even sure if this can be considered and issue or not, just something that threw me off a little.

keep up the good work.

[Noel Evans]

Hi Alex super script. Not much I want to comment you havent answered already actually. The one thing for me is I think some descriptions could be kept a little simpler. For example - a cheoptic hologram, I am not sure how many people in this world know exactly what that is but, wouldnt a 3D hologram be sufficient and clearer to the lay person? The only thing that I thought made this script suffer was the page limitations. I know the pain.

[Captain Pierce]

You fell asleep during Star Wars?!? If you're talking about the original, now known as Episode IV, that's just unAmerican, man. :D (Of course, I was like seven at the time... :D ) OTOH, if you're talking about the prequels, I was damn near there myself...

I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, the script, right...

OK, seriously, not much I can say here that hasn't already been covered. A very technically correct script (I won't be petty and mention that you introduce "Hypatia" as "Hapatia Banze" :tongue: ) that brings the reader into a compelling world. Nicely done.

[STYLZ]

Damn near perfect. Excellent story. Solid writing. Wraps up well. I was hoping that the humans were controlled entirely by robots, so the soldiers threw me off a bit. It would be cool if it were explained that they were slaves as well, working as soldiers for a little extra benefits. Anywho Great job.

[alex whitmer]

they are using strange devices to farm paper

Sorry for the late response. been flat on my back with some exotic tropical illness that's hard to pronounce.

William finds the paper as he works the soil with a hoe. He mentions later he found the tablets where a university once stood, so my thinking was old paper and trash got buried when the university was destroyed. He's one of those McGiver types and just knows how to make things work. He knows paper has cells, and one day discovers these cells store soundwaves. Anyways, I know there is much to explain and I am yet another victim of 6 pages.

Thank you for the read.

Alex

[alex whitmer]

For example - a cheoptic hologram, I am not sure how many people in this world know exactly what that is but, wouldnt a 3D hologram be sufficient and clearer to the lay person?

I wrote 3D first draft, then saw the word and really tossed around whether to use it or not. In hindsight, 3D was likely the better choice. I'm sure a few readers had to Google that one.

hey, this is supposed to be educational!!

I really appreciate the read.

alex

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

For example - a cheoptic hologram, I am not sure how many people in this world know exactly what that is but, wouldnt a 3D hologram be sufficient and clearer to the lay person?


I wrote 3D first draft, then saw the word and really tossed around whether to use it or not. In hindsight, 3D was likely the better choice. I'm sure a few readers had to Google that one.

hey, this is supposed to be educational!!

I really appreciate the read.

alex
Nonsense.

Everyone knows what a Chiapet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzY7qQFij_M) looks like.

:D

[alex whitmer]

you introduce "Hypatia" as "Hapatia Banze"

Seems you're the first one to see that. I sure didn't (red face).

Yeah, sorry, Star Wars was a snoozer for me. I don't usually share that because of the humiliation associated with it, but there you have it! My confession.

My GF on the other hand has seen it a million times and never tires from it.

Thank you for reading.

alex

[alex whitmer]

I was hoping that the humans were controlled entirely by robots

My thinking is that only part of the human population has their clocks turned back.

Here is the philosophy behind this ...

Even with all the technology, and the ability to create any kind of machine or robot to do anything, including farm, man would still rather use that same technology to debase another person, or group of people. The euphoria is just too intoxicating.

I'm going to be expanding this one, and a few details will hopefully fill in the holes.

Thank you for reading.

aw

[jamiejay]

I found the story very unique. I love the idea of selective de-evolution and a secret truth that must be protected and passed on. A little Matrix, a little 1984, a little DaVinci Code, a little Planet of the Apes...

I agree that sh*t isn't the right word, but that's easily fixed.

I have no problem with the lemon. It's logical enough. And, while I have never even thought of music and sound waves coming from paper and being played in some sort of electronic contraption, I found the idea intriguing. I can't even begin to imagine how images and voices would come from tablets or from a person's blood, but with sci-fi, almost anything is explainable through the argument that it's future technology (just like in fantasy, anything can be explained by saying it's magic ;)

I do question, however, (as someone else already has) the fact that de-evolved slaves would know how to use such advanced equipment. How is it that they're physical appearance can be de-evolved, yet they seem to be able to mentally function as well, if not better than, humans today? I'm positive that you have a good explanation for this that you just couldn't fit into the six pages, and I think I read in one of your posts that you were planning to address it in a longer script or something. I would love to read it if you ever get around to it.

Hypatia was my favorite. I liked the juxtaposition of "strong, timid".

No doubt you will be high on the list when the rating is through. Great work. :)

[alex whitmer]

I do question, however, (as someone else already has) the fact that de-evolved slaves would know how to use such advanced equipment.


This has come a few times, and I really do have a rational explanation!! One part has to do with the watchers not taking IQ into account. They just assumed de-evolution would automatically affect intelligence.

A few other details will come out in the rewrite.

on the flip side ...

William realizes all kinds of info can be captured in cells and other micro structures. He never considered his own cells would also reveal information. Oops.

Yeah, maybe 4 more pages and I can clarify the loose ends.

Very much appreciate the read.

Alex

[jamiejay]

I thought of that as he swats the mosquito away and doesn't think much of it at first.

'One part has to do with the watchers not taking IQ into account. They just assumed de-evolution would automatically affect intelligence'

And that explanation sounds plausible because that's the assumption that I was making as well. See there. ;)

10 pages keeps coming up as the perfect amount... who is in charge of determining the rules? I hope they are catching on... :)

[thartley]

Oh, I have nothing at all to say to make this one any better. Very well done. Please shoot. :beer::thumbup:

[alex whitmer]

And that explanation sounds plausible because that's the assumption that I was making as well. See there. ;):)

One of life's great mysteries is - for every solution applied, two more problems come along. Like, with all this techie know-how, why didn't the watchers devise an IQ test, and if they did, is there a way to cheat?

I'm way over-thinking this.

a

[alex whitmer]

Please shoot.


ok ...

:kali:

[alex whitmer]

Nonsense.

Everyone knows what a Chiapet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzY7qQFij_M) looks like.

:D

That's pretty funny.

I always knew those seeminly inocuous things hid secret messages.


a

[jamiejay]

One of life's great mysteries is - for every solution applied, two more problems come along. Like, with all this techie know-how, why didn't the watchers devise an IQ test, and if they did, is there a way to cheat?

I'm way over-thinking this.

a

But maybe they so underestimated the slaves because they dismissed them as human beings at all. It was a given that they weren't intelligent... yet they must have suspected something because they sent out spies to find out what they were doing... hmm...

Ok ok.... so they assumed it would affect IQ as well, they discover it doesn't, so, until they are able to find a way to lower IQ (through forced inbreeding and whatnot) while still keeping the slaves intelligent enough to work effectively, they have to resort to keeping the slaves in check by watching their every move.

Now I'm over-thinking it. ;)

[alex whitmer]

Another fest under the belt (I'm curious how many are gonna run with that one!)

And a fine showing it was. Clearly creativity doesn't come in small doses around here.

I've been battling a tropical illness that has had me running on empty nearly a week now, and a fractured ankle before that - I need to go back to my couch potato habits - so I didn't get to review all the scripts, or delve into (shred) the ones I did as much as I would have liked. I want to re-read a few scripts and add more comments, and maybe expand into a line-by-line.

Assuming I don't lob a leg off, or punture a lung (again), I'll keep reviewing 'till I get through them all.

aw

[arroway]

"A cheoptic hologram"a what? why would you assume the majority of readers would have any idea how to visualize that?


"like a little glycosidic scratch"oh. like...one of those. right. no really, i'm with you, please go on...


"HYPATIA
Why do the watchers forbid music?"...because it's a long standing dystopian cliche and don't ask questions you little brat!


"The mosquito lands on William’s port and inserts its proboscis into a receptor. The blood is transferred."there's a lot of passive voice like this. why not say "...into a receptor transferring the blood". "is" is telling not showing. sometimes you have to use it but more often than not it's "crutch writing" which serves only to take you right out of the visual and reacquaint you with the fact that you are being told a story not seeing one in your mind's eye.

i think you should describe the "chembots" more so than just saying they are featureless which is about as boring a detail as i can think of. are they bipeds? animal-like? what? give me something to go on.

mosquitoes as spies/sample collectors doesn't seem like a very logical system seeing as how easy it is to swat them. why not nano-ticks? nano-fleas? something that could actually remain undetected for more than an hour...


"SCRIBE (VIA SCANNER)
Why do we write this when we know the truth?

SCRIBE #2 (VIA SCANNER)
It is not our place to question what we are told to write."yeah. 1984 was a good book, wasn't it?


"WILLIAM
Bad. Why didn’t I know about these?"why indeed. :huh:


"Seconds later the door bursts open. William is zapped to smithereens."didn't william effortlessly twist the head off one of these guys earlier? why are they such "creeping, oozing, morphing" badasses now? and if hypatia can simply out run their apparent lasers why didn't william go with her? he certainly didn't buy her any time as he's killed instantly. so why didn't the now-badass chembots simply follow the little girls footsteps out the back door and "zap her to smithereens" as well? doesn't make sense.

i like the idea of music being collected in paper and lemons used for energy even if the science behind it isn't that feasible...it's a striking visual. as for the rest it lacks logic and originality imo. i would focus on the anti-evolution/de-volution angle (which is actually fascinating and original) in future re-writes rather than the dystopian hierarchy suffocating art and keeping the masses ignorant (which is by now a well-worn cliche).

good luck with it.

[alex whitmer]

Sorry, Ian, but I never did figure out how to do multiple quote boxes, so bear with me here ...

This ...

a what? why would you assume the majority of readers would have any idea how to visualize that?


I got rapped once or twice for that. 3D would have been the better choice.

This ...

why not say "...into a receptor transferring the blood

Because I prefer not to use ING verbs when possible. Personal choice.

This ...

i think you should describe the "chembots" more

Agreed. I'll make it up next rewrite.

This ...

mosquitoes as spies/sample collectors doesn't seem like a very logical system

I'll stick with mosquitoes, but I appreciate the other options. Ticks and fleas move too slow for this particular idea. Plus they get stepped on, so the risk factor is likely the same.

This ...

yeah. 1984 was a good book, wasn't it?

Never read it. I am not a scifi buff by any means. Read a little Asimov and got bored. I did however, love the Apple Computer commercial based on the book ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYecfV3ubP8

This ...

why indeed

Because the fest called for a mistake to be made. I used a few. I wanted to show even the braniacs are fallible.

This ...

didn't william effortlessly twist the head off one of these guys earlier

No. He ripped the head off a small beetle-like robot.

This ...

why are they such "creeping, oozing, morphing" badasses now?

Different robots. One is a small, beetle-like robot, and the other is a chembot. They serve different functions.

This ...

and if hypatia can simply out run their apparent lasers why didn't william go with her

Not sure I implied that. She jumped out a back window before the chembots arrived. Had William followed, he would have attracted the chembots with him. Also, the ending is written such that we don't know if Hypatia survived or not. Had she stayed, however, the 'truth' would have been lost.

FYI: 'outrun' is a compound verb and therefore should be written as one word.



I appreciate the read. I'll keep these comments in mind during the rewrite.

a

[preston]

congrats! :)