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Spinnie
05-12-2008, 05:23 PM
I'm enjoying reading these scripts. Lots of talent on this board. Writers rule!

Here's mine:

http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfest/TP-Spinnie.pdf

Use a rubber glove...and be gentle... (YOWZA!)

Captain Pierce
05-12-2008, 05:55 PM
Any script that involves a clown getting the crap kicked out of him is all right by me. :)

This is a fun script. I particularly LOL'ed at Secretary #2's line: "I don't know. He seems needy."

mjjason
05-13-2008, 01:32 PM
Really funny script. Especially the scene where tag is on the guys back in the secretaries are talking about him. I actually laughed out loud at that point. Overall I thought is was a great read with a lot of standout funny points and some great dialog and action.

I would recommend removing the entire conversation with the Hot Woman on the stairs though. I didn't find the interaction all that funny and it really add nothing to the script other than him finding out where the meeting was. That could be done with the boss.

Also, the clown part, though funny, was kind of pointless. Why was he even there and why was he chasing Tag. I guess you can through in a line about the clown being for Tag but it kind of seemed like he was in the story just to be odd. You may want to re-work that part.

Other than that this script had me laughing.

krestofre
05-13-2008, 02:21 PM
I particularly LOL'ed at Secretary #2's line: "I don't know. He seems needy."

Agreed. Best part of the script.

I also agree about the conversation between Tag and the lady on the stairs. It felt like you tried too hard with that one. Maybe if she just stops him and says "All floors above are being evacuated except for the top floor which has a big important meeting." And then Tag says "Do you always share this much information with strangers?" And then move on to the next scene. As it is, it's confusing and long.

Spinnie
05-13-2008, 04:09 PM
Thanks for the input! Good points.

I created the conversation with the Hot Girl to show how odd Tag was. I like the fact that he's a bit "off." He's horrible with social graces, even when it's a girl most guys might be trying to impress. I pictured him a little like Dwight in "The Office." Not entirely like Dwight, but certain aspects of his character.

The clown was random. I thought about explaining him more, but the fact that he comes out of nowhere and we never know exactly "why" he chose Tag, made me laugh. I know, kinda ridiculous, but I always laugh at random things that aren't explained fully. Maybe it's my weird sense of humor. I'm weird.

I see your points, though. Good ones. Thanks again for the input.

Russell Moore
05-15-2008, 08:21 AM
I thought this was pretty funny.

Maybe if you just cut down the dialogue with the hot girl a little, it could still work. I was fine with the clown, but maybe at the end, the clown could say something like "Happy, magical birthday to Taaaaaag!" and then he gets punched in the nose, but then Tag proceeds to kick the crap out him anyway.

But overall I thought you did a good job and had some funny moments in the script, esp. in the beginning.