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nonanme7198
05-08-2008, 06:14 PM
log line: Two stoners are followed as they search for a bag of weed.

Hey everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read my script. I'm very interested to know what people think.

mjjason
05-10-2008, 08:50 AM
I really like the writing style and dialog. It felt fresh and was a very easy read. My biggest gripe is with the ending. I really didn't feel satisfied. The story kind of built up and I was expecting something more exciting but it was anti-climatic. Not sure how to change it to be honest.

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 12:30 PM
I agree that the ending feels anti-climatic. The cops are after them, a crazy dealer is after them, yet at the end a creepy kid gives them weed. I think if you want to go with this kind of ending then you have to Harold and Kumar the entire script. Make it completely and totally outrageous so that way the creepy kid giving them weed sets up for a huge laugh. Also, why does he want to give them weed? Does he like the girl? Does he like the guy? What does he want from them and what is he willing to do to get it?

Also I struggle because your characters are not very likeable. Kyle is a pushover and kind of a jerk, and Ashley is downright annoying. I understand going for the Jay and Silent Bob charm but I don't think it really happens in this. Instead you have two friends who are really willing to do just about anything for weed, which brings me to the other issue. I feel like asking Ashley to prostitute herself is only plausible if they are really addicts. Therefore weed doesnt work. If these two are addicts trying to score some coke, then I buy it. However this distorts your entire tone so it wouldn't work. I just think these characters need to be more sympathetic, otherwise I really want them to get arrested at the end. Sixteen year olds that act like this deserve to get in trouble unless they have some very likable qualities.

Anyway, I hope some of these suggestions help. I see you enjoy writing dialog, and it's good, so i would suggest considering the Harold and Kumar approach.

nonanme7198
05-11-2008, 12:34 PM
I agree that the ending feels anti-climatic. The cops are after them, a crazy dealer is after them, yet at the end a creepy kid gives them weed. I think if you want to go with this kind of ending then you have to Harold and Kumar the entire script. Make it completely and totally outrageous so that way the creepy kid giving them weed sets up for a huge laugh. Also, why does he want to give them weed? Does he like the girl? Does he like the guy? What does he want from them and what is he willing to do to get it?

Also I struggle because your characters are not very likeable. Kyle is a pushover and kind of a jerk, and Ashley is downright annoying. I understand going for the Jay and Silent Bob charm but I don't think it really happens in this. Instead you have two friends who are really willing to do just about anything for weed, which brings me to the other issue. I feel like asking Ashley to prostitute herself is only plausible if they are really addicts. Therefore weed doesnt work. If these two are addicts trying to score some coke, then I buy it. However this distorts your entire tone so it wouldn't work. I just think these characters need to be more sympathetic, otherwise I really want them to get arrested at the end. Sixteen year olds that act like this deserve to get in trouble unless they have some very likable qualities.

Anyway, I hope some of these suggestions help. I see you enjoy writing dialog, and it's good, so i would suggest considering the Harold and Kumar approach.

Thanks for the feedback. For the ending, I wasn't really sure how to end it and the 10 page limit really made me struggle with it. I wanted them to get what they were looking for, but not from where they expected. What I was going for was that he over heard her in the store, but was afraid to approach her. He had weed, but nothing to smoke it with, so he needed them. Maybe he was looking to make new friends. I didn't want to say that, but let the reader/viewer decide for themselves.

With the characters that's kinda what I was going for. Kyle is a push over and kind of a jerk, but he is really nice at heart. It was supposed to be more sarcastic. He didn't actually want her to prostitute herself. If I had more space I would have liked to add that Ian was an ex-boyfriend of Ashley's. My thought was more like, when she and Ian get high together they end up hookling up, not that she would make a deal with him, sex for pot.
Ashley's character was supposed to annoy the other people in the script (not the reader though, my bad) and while she would kind of annoy Kyle, they were still best friends. Kinda like Randal to Dante in Clerks.

Overall I was going for a more relaxed, fun, Dazed and Confused kinda story. Bored bestfriends just wanting to get high. They don't have a drug problem or any real problems, they're just normal teenagers.

Thanks for taking the time to read and review. All opinions are very much appreciated.

krestofre
05-12-2008, 04:04 PM
Also I struggle because your characters are not very likeable. Kyle is a pushover and kind of a jerk, and Ashley is downright annoying. I understand going for the Jay and Silent Bob charm but I don't think it really happens in this. Instead you have two friends who are really willing to do just about anything for weed, which brings me to the other issue. I feel like asking Ashley to prostitute herself is only plausible if they are really addicts. Therefore weed doesnt work. If these two are addicts trying to score some coke, then I buy it. However this distorts your entire tone so it wouldn't work. I just think these characters need to be more sympathetic, otherwise I really want them to get arrested at the end. Sixteen year olds that act like this deserve to get in trouble unless they have some very likable qualities.


My sentiments exactly. And adding that Ian was her ex-boyfriend doesn't really solve the problem for me. Plus Ashley's attitude makes her come across like this is a coke habit for her, completely uncontrollably addicted instead of just bored and looking for something to do.

But, I've never been a fan of the whole Clerks / Dazed and Confused type films, so maybe it's just lost on me.

Captain Pierce
05-14-2008, 03:19 PM
I feel like asking Ashley to prostitute herself is only plausible if they are really addicts.

This is the comment that says it all, I think. So much of what they do (not just this example) just seems like it's way beyond they're bored and want to get high, it's more like they need to get high. I mean, if they're just bored, they could spend the money on gas and just do a road trip or something. If they're just bored, they could spend half the money on gas and the other half on some movie rentals. If they're just bored, there's any number of things that $20 could get them. And yet they're fully prepared to have sex in exchange for drugs or deal with crazy people who have a reason to be even crazier toward them, all in order to get high.

Russell Moore
05-15-2008, 09:03 AM
You have set a very nice brisk pace.
I don't have anything new to add, I think all my concerns have been addressed. You could make it a harded drug that they're in search of, but that would give it a very serious tone and you'ld have to lose the ending.

I liked what smashedburrito said, just add some more over the top hi jinks to make it more comedic. You could basically keep the story and ending you have then. But you would probably have to lose the prostitution bit.

I think you have enough here to develop it into something funny.

bosindy
05-16-2008, 12:50 PM
I met nonanme7198 in a writing class and told him about dvxuser so
i am glad he came on and submitted something.

The script reminded me of Larry Clark's "Kids" and I could see this film being very improvisational. The dialogue is true to the characters and I have know people like this, when, ehem, I was much younger. Teenagers get obsessed with an idea, here getting high, and will go on a journey (sometimes a perilous one) out of boredom. It doesn't have to be a more addictive drug to make this work. Also, sex particularly oral sex, has become incredibly casual in this age group so I found that part of the conversation believable.

I wanted a better payoff at the end. I fell it is too flip of a conclusion given the tone and tension that has been building.

Good job though!