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wcabral
05-08-2008, 05:34 PM
Feel free to all feedback and thanks for taking the time to read my script.

alex whitmer
05-13-2008, 11:28 PM
Page 1

… Dark hair, with a beard, Stands behind

Typo on stands.

This …

Jason stops and turns towards Brad as he steps towards him.

Pronoun confusion.

Page 2

Brad turns back around and looks through the blinds again.

A lot of the ‘turns’ stuff can go. Just say …

Brad looks through the blinds again.

… the turning part is default.

This …

JASON
Okay well I’ll stop by after work
I’ll see ya later.

Punctuation.

This …

four banger.

Should be four-banger.

This …

Jason digs into his front right pocket
and pulls out his keys.

Does the left or right pocket really change the story? Same thing on page 1 with this …

… then back to Jason while taking a step right with briefcase in hand.

This …

As Jason slips the key in the door. He opens the door and
gets to the drivers side door and slides his key into the
lock


What? He unlocked the door twice? Continuity mess here.

Page 3

The silver car pulls out of the drive way, pulling in front
of the house. The car starts down the street. As the silver
car drive down the street.

Everything is happening twice

Should be ‘drives’ down the …

Also, choose words carefully. ‘starts down the street’ could be read as the car coasted a ways before starting somewhere down the street.

Also, should be pulls past the house, not in front. Sounds like he’s parking.

This ..

Jason then quickly moves his eyes up through the back
window. He turns around and look up at the rear view mirror
with a puzzled look.

So, Jason stuck his eyes through the window? That’s gotta hurt!

Typo on look. Should be looks.

Another puzzle look?

This …

Jason looks down to his pocket. Reaching in he pulls out his
cell phone.

Embrace brevity. Try …

Jason pulls out his cell phone.

Let the actor do the rest. That’s why they get the big bucks!

All this …

Moving his attention from the road to his phone then back
again Jason places a call. Then puts the phone up to his
ear.

This is all stuff the actor will do. All you need is …

Jason places a call.

Unless it’s a Walkie-Talkie type, ‘the phone up to his ear’ is pretty much a given.

Reading forward, I see lots of ‘directing the actor’. Lose it.

This …

BRAD (V.O.)

Phone calls are not V.O.

This …

Jason continues to peak up into his rear view mirror.

I think you mean ‘peek’.

Page 4

JASON
Yea. Okay hold on.

Should be yeah.

Page 5

THROUGH THE MIRROR

An empty road.

What do you mean by empty? I thought there were houses surrounding it.

This …

EXT. WORK PARKING LOT - DAY

Maybe some clue as to what kind of business?

This …

He walks to the large brown door.

What large, brown door? Is it on the building?

Page 6

As the Woman shrugs her shoulders one of the Men moves his
head towards the back door Jason SLAMS it shut.

Missing punctuation.

Maybe just say the man 'looks' at the door.

How the men know Jason’s name and work?

This …

As the door flies open Jason jumps in and inserts the key
into the ignition and switches it on.

Try …

As the building door flies open, Jason jumps in his car and starts the engine.

But if he’s at the back of the parking lot, how did he make it that far before the men burst out in pursuit? How big or small is this parking lot?


cont ...

alex whitmer
05-13-2008, 11:29 PM
cont ...

This ..

As soon as the engine ROARS to life the CLICKING of the
shifter hits two times as Jason switches it to reverse and
presses the gas.

None of this is necessary unless you really want to show all this gear stuff for some important reason.

This …

The car’s tires SQUEAK as Jason switches it to drive and
head out of the parking lot.

I think you mean squeal. Also typo on head. Should be heads.

This …

Jason is visible shaken.

Should be visibly.

Page 7

Jason looks over to the passenger seat and picks up his
phone. Pushing two buttons Jason puts the phone to his ear.

Margin error, and more directing the actor. I thought his phone was in his pocket?

This …

JASON
Why isn’t she answering?

No answers.

Redundant.

This …

Jason slows as he comes up to a stop sign. His eyes fixed
left. As Jason comes up pulls up to the stop sign he sees.

He comes to the same stop twice?

Also, do a text wrap or something. Like this …

As Jason comes up pulls up to the stop sign he sees …

Otherwise I can read this like he was blind, but now that he’s stopped, he can see.

This …

Two Men in dark suits push to other people.

Do you ‘two’ other people?

This …

Jason slams his foot on the gas and speeds through the stop
sign down the street.

Maybe ‘speeds through the intersection …’

I’ll assume he sees this event two blocks away?

He is at one stop sign, he then speeds through the next, then turns the next corner. That makes two.

Also, if you did mean two people, who was the other one?

This …

Pushing just a few buttons he puts it to his ear again.

Why not just say he speed-dials?

More ‘to his ear’ stuff with the cell phone.

This …

Come on Brad pick up! Pick up!

Need a comma after Brad.

This …

Jason takes the phone from his ear, pushes a button …

Do you mean he hangs up? If so, then say ‘Jason hangs up’.

Page 9

The door of the little car flies open and Jason bolts out.

This can all be reduced to …

Jason bolts from the car.

This …

Jason stubbles

I think you mean stumbles.

This …

Jason walks in as his mouth drops. The room once full of
furniture now lays bare.

Economize …

Jason walks in. His mouth drops. The room is bare.

This …

Leaving the door open Jason walks around the empty room
looking around.

Around twice in the same sentence.

This …

Empty, nothing is left be the carpet on the floor.

First, you need a slug to indicate HALL. Next, maybe you mean BUT the carpet on the floor??

This …

Atop of the mattress sits a small black laptop facing the
opposite direction.

Opposite direction of what?

This …

Jason reaches his left hand down grabbing the top corner of
the laptop screen and spins it around.

Pushing the screen up so that is it visible Jason’s eyes
pans as it reads whats on the screen.

Why left hand?

Typo on whats. Should be what’s.

Try this …

Jason spins the laptop around and reads the screen.

37 words down to 9 for the same action.

Page 10

The sound of a HELICOPTER slowly begins to be heard out side
along with POLICE SIRENS.

… slowly begins to be heard???

Try …

The sound of a HELICOPTER and police sirens builds.

Or something like that.

Okay, so what happened? Brad set Jason and Jason’s mom up? If so, why?

Lot of mystery here.

This screenplay started out with a really strong first page, then kinda fell apart.

Alex


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com

krestofre
05-14-2008, 12:07 PM
If you're going to use a Macguffin I say make it something other than a briefcase.

I can accept a good Macguffing story from time to time, but this seemed to dependent on the briefcase. I either needed to know the contents of the briefcase, or I needed to know Brad's motivation. Missing both of those elements made me struggle through the script.

Captain Pierce
05-14-2008, 02:41 PM
Yeah, the ending was a bit confusing. First, shouldn't Brad want whatever's in the briefcase back? (Unless, as Alex suggested, the whole thing is a setup against Jason and/or Jason's mom, which then begs the question of "Why set up Jason and/or Jason's mom?") Secondly, who's the "we" that will miss Jason? There's no mention of anyone else being associated with Brad to be a "we."

Lots of typos and grammar errors going on. I try not to quibble over one or two, but they're all over the place here.

Isaac_Brody
05-16-2008, 06:47 PM
Great points already brought up. The grammatical errors that Alex pointed out definitely slowed down the reading of this piece. It interrupted the flow of my reading this.

I didn't understand why Jason just accepted the briefcase from Brad, especially when Brad is acting strange.

At the end I'm left with questions, not sure what the build up was for, but without some type of clear motivation and clarity in the end the build up is for nothing. I think with good Macguffin stories it's about the character's pursuing this "thing" more than the object itself. We're not given enough character to know who or what to care about though.