PDA

View Full Version : Perfect Alibi



PremiumIC
05-06-2008, 07:56 PM
Hey, It seems like everyone else has a topic related to their screenplay so I figure I would start mine. I really want some feed back on my story, I think it deals with the theme a lot different then some of the others I've read and I want to know what you guys think of it.

Thanks a lot!


Here it is:
http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfest/Perfect_Alibi-PremiumIC.pdf

krestofre
05-07-2008, 11:18 AM
Wow! I've only read through about 12 of the scripts so far, but at this moment, this is my favorite one. This was very tightly written. I loved the voice over of Jim explaining the plan with the visuals occuring at the same time. The whole script has a very Usual Suspects feel to it and it just works.

My one complaint with the script is that when Jim gets home there's no mention of the lasagna. Yeah, I know, I'm complaining about a lasagna, but you made such a big deal about it during the opening scene that when Jim gets home and they just go to sleep it seems out of place. I'd think that Jolie would at least say "Have some dinner" or something like that. Like a good mafia wife. :)

I really liked this script. It's maybe not as original as some of the other scripts, but like I said, it just worked. Excellent job.

PremiumIC
05-07-2008, 06:44 PM
I really appreciate the kind words.

I thought making their names so similar might have a negative outcome. John's wife Laura made the lasagna, not Jim's wife Jolie. :)... But with so many J names it's my fault for the confusion.

Thanks again for saying ya liked it. This is the first time I've really shown my writing to anyone so I was pretty nervous putting it out there.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-07-2008, 07:22 PM
So many great scripts in this Fest. Here's another one.

Loved the entire thing. The ending threw me a bit and I may have to go back and read it over again to clear up a few details. I really liked it though.
Great descriptions as well.

With so many great script writers around here I'm surprised that more of you don't offer up scripts for the other Festivals here at DVXuser.

Good luck!

Cheers,

Mike

krestofre
05-07-2008, 07:36 PM
So that's where the lasagna went. :) Yeah, maybe you should change one of their names.

PremiumIC
05-09-2008, 02:31 PM
Thanks.

Yeah, I feel like a 10 page script where the three main characters name's all start with J was probably a bad idea. Thats an easy fix though if it ever actually gets made.

I'm glad you figured out where the lasagna went. :P

Captain Pierce
05-10-2008, 05:27 PM
I think there's a few times that you get Jim and John confused in the script; for example:


Jim kinda stumbles a little and takes longer to stand up fully than John does, he has been digging wholes for years and it shows in his pace.

or


Jim pulls his wedding ring from his jacket pocket and puts it on his finger as John watches him.

John, as I understood the initial setup, is the older, married guy. (Certainly, he has to be the one who's already married, as Jim is using getting married as part of his plan to get away.)

The twist at the end is interesting, but it almost requires John to be psychic, as he seems to be plotting against Jim at exactly the same time that Jim is plotting against him, and I couldn't quite figure out what tripped him off.

PremiumIC
05-10-2008, 09:39 PM
Oh shucks, I really thought I found all of those.

I wrote this screenplay during the middle of my finals week and realized when I was done that the characters switched names at certain instances.

I fixed the problem and saved it. Then I uploaded the uncorrected version.. and now I feel like a total jackass. I can understand your confusion and appreciate you letting me know, thanks for reading the whole thing.

I had similar feelings regarding John's ability to detect that Jim was going to kill him and quit. When I wrote this I wanted John's attitude towards Jim to somewhat show that he finds his action that night to be out of the ordinary but had terrible getting them on paper without ruining the read.

I didn't write a blatant circumstance or instance where John has the realization about Jim because I felt it would ruin the story. I wanted the viewer to feel like Jim was a really smart sly guy who had this whole job planned out to the T but in the end it turns out we and him aren't as smart as we thought, and that John is really the most interesting character.

Thanks for responding though, I cannot believe I uploaded the un fixed version...

Russell Moore
05-11-2008, 12:04 PM
I thought there were a lot of good things about this script. There was some name confusion, but you already addressed that.

Maybe if there was something that tipped John off to what Jim was up to, so it wasn't a coincidence, but Jim slipped up somewhere and John being more seasoned figured it out.

Otherwise I thought you did a solid job and it was a good read.

PremiumIC
05-11-2008, 02:28 PM
thanks for the feedback.

I felt like in the story it didn't come across as a coincidence but more people are telling me thats how it feels.

I wanted it to seem like John was getting older and tired of the job as well. Taking off the wedding ring, digging the hole slowly, agreeing to shoot the guy and not bury him alive. But It seems like I might need to go in and stress it a little more to not make it seem like a coincidence. I want it to be that John was going to kill Jim but in stalking him learned, through his experience, that Jim was going to do the same thing.

PremiumIC
05-13-2008, 12:08 PM
hey guy I want more feedback, I really want to make this script someday and I need all the help I can get.

Tear it apart if you have to!
thanks