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totalfilmmaker
05-05-2008, 10:41 PM
Logline: A detective's wife is murdered by someone he put away, and he seeks revenge for her death.

This script is still very much a work in progress, so be kind lol.

Thanks in advance

STYLZ
05-07-2008, 01:48 PM
OK. To start off you got some serious formatting issues. You got description with dialog. Parentheses next to names instead of below ect...

Besides formatting issues, question..why is the fat man smoking a cigar while hancuffed in prison?


GRAHAM (V.O.
Sometimes it's not very pretty; most of
the time it's not pretty.

Love this part. Maybe a pause before "it's not pretty"


GRAHAM (V.O.)
The only way to get rid of evil is to
get it by the roots, and I'm not that
deep yet. I'm still cutting off limbs.

Love this part too.

Wow I really enjoyed that. Nice Noir going on. Gave me a Sin City vibe. Yeah just correct the format mistakes and you're pretty golden. Thanks for sharing.

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 08:02 PM
As Stylz said, the formatting here definitely needs some work.

I wasn't clear on who Graham was supposed to be; sometimes it seems like he's supposed to be a cop (like when he's at the jail uncuffing the fat man, or when he's working with the waitress-with-a-badge at the diner), but yet a lot of what he's up to is not particularly cop-like (like wiping out a warehouse full of thugs with a machine gun). Also, I couldn't quite figure out how he knew Michael's name in the diner; or, if he did, why he didn't connect him with Laura at the end. (Or, for that matter, if he was there to kill Nash himself, why he'd let a potential witness slip away.)

I like the underlying idea, that Graham's spent all this time planning his revenge only to be cheated out of it at the last second. Just think it needs some more thought and some cleaning up.

mjjason
05-10-2008, 11:39 AM
The is very little information as to the motiviation of your characters. You logline explains more about the story than the script. I had no idea who Nash was or why he was trying to kill Graham. Who sent the hitman at Graham? And why did they just kill his wife and not him? Alot of this made no sense. The story was hard to follow overall as it wasn't clear who was doing what and why. This story may work if you had more room to explain the background. Right now it does not do that.

Plus, as other's have mentioned there are formatting issues.