PDA

View Full Version : "Fade" by: Justin R. Durban



Edgen
05-05-2008, 08:31 AM
"Fade"
http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfest/edgen_fade-Edgen.pdf
'One will do anything to save his family.'

Note:
(The original name of this script was:
"Donor"... Logline: How far will you go? )


enjoy!

/j

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-05-2008, 06:04 PM
SPOILERS



I really like your writing style. I have to admit... you set me up at the beginning. I thought one of the kids was going to get hit by the speeding car. :)

My only gripe was what the Father went through in order to get his daughter a heart. If she had heart problems he sure as hell put a lot of stress on her weak one! That and the fact that he killed a few people, including endangering and injuring his own son. Then he ends up dying himself. Doesn't seem worth it really?

If the girl does survive (and that's doubtful considering that this is a back door heart transplant) she's an orphan and she and her brother will probably be split up. I guess I just wanted a happier ending. Which is a rare thing for me! :D

Still, the pacing was awesome and I could visualize the entire thing perfectly.
Great job overall.

Mike

Edgen
05-06-2008, 08:17 AM
My only gripe was what the Father went through in order to get his daughter a heart. If she had heart problems he sure as hell put a lot of stress on her weak one! That and the fact that he killed a few people, including endangering and injuring his own son. Then he ends up dying himself. Doesn't seem worth it really?

If the girl does survive (and that's doubtful considering that this is a back door heart transplant) she's an orphan and she and her brother will probably be split up. I guess I just wanted a happier ending. Which is a rare thing for me! :D


Thanks Mike for the review!

The first draft, I had the father die. I had him sacrifice his life to save his daughters. but, i left it open ended. You don't know if he's going to die or not. Completely up to the director I think.

As for the boy... He knew the police would take care of him and treat his problem. Otherwise, he may have lost his son too. LOTS of options for staying open and expansion of just about everything. But, alas, I hope the "pursuit" part is what gets the heart racin'. :)

I had a chance to read yours too... I'll make my way over for the review in the next few days.

/j

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-06-2008, 08:27 AM
Sorry, I mistook "John's life slowly fades away" as him dying.

I loved the chase portion! Very well written. Like I said previously, even the opening had me on the edge of my seat! I was concerned for the children playing outside.

I always like your stuff. It was nice to finally read one of your scripts.

Cheers,

Mike




I had a chance to read yours too... I'll make my way over for the review in the next few days.

/jLooking forward to it.

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 03:26 PM
This is a minor nitpick, but a few things about your format threw me; like putting "DAY" first in the scene headings at the beginning, always using the time-of-day indication when coming back to the same scene, and (particularly) having Scene 4 be "EXT. STREET" when it seemed like it should have "INT. CAR." Also, a car has "brakes," not "breaks," and the sedative would probably be in a medical "vial," not "vile." Like I said, minor stuff. I'm guessing some of this has to do with this being intended for you to shoot yourself and you being more concerned with having right in your head than on the paper.

I wondered why Tommy's juice had a bad taste to it when it seems that he should've gotten straight juice and Amanda should have been the one to complain if she had the sedative. (Speaking of Amanda, should a girl with a bad heart really be chasing a ball around outside? :) )

Maybe I'm not seeing it the way that you are, but the idea of John's car being parked on the side of the road, but the pursuers not seeing it because of it being hidden by a passing semi didn't make sense to me. I got the sense from the description of a "lonely desolate highway" that this was somewhere where the land is flat for miles at a time, where any car parked on the side of the road should stand out like a sore thumb.

I liked the car-chase scene shortly after that, but one thing did catch my eye. You don't specify in the scene where John is packing the car where his rifle case went, but I'm presuming the trunk just because of the presumed size. It seems to me like you need a little more intercutting with what's going with the remaining black car to give him time to get to the trunk, pop it open, get the rifle out, load it, and take his first shot. If he's already taken out the driver, then there's certainly going to be action over there to cut to, so I think it could time out pretty well.

I, too, saw "Johnís life slowly fades away"and assumed that meant he died there. If you're wanting to leave it more open, you might just have him lean against a wall and then slowly slide to the ground or something like that. I also wondered why John was coughing up blood since I didn't see that he'd gotten shot or anything along the way.

Finally, I wondered where two carloads of plainclothes "guards" came from so quickly after he stole the heart, how they knew so quickly to head for the relatives, and (for that matter) why two obviously injured guards came along on the chase rather than being treated at the hospital that John presumably stole the heart from. Not a huge problem, but it just seems like more serious security than any hospital would have, and access to more resources than you'd expect security guards to have.

All in all, though, it's a good script, and that car chase in the middle has the potential to look amazing on-screen. :)

Ki-Ki
05-07-2008, 05:58 PM
I don't have the Intelligence or Patients to write paragraphs sorry, but, i loved it.

I think the way the chase scene was co-ordinated was great, and it had a strange sense of realism overall. The format was simple and easy to understand, allowed for quick reading.

The ending I thought was perfect, I had a clear picture painted in my mind. It sort of came across to me as Jack Bauer meets the guy from I Am Legend, emotional & strong characters. I have a wacky imagination though. I'd love to see it shot as a short flick =)

Edgen
05-08-2008, 09:34 PM
I wondered why Tommy's juice had a bad taste to it when it seems that he should've gotten straight juice and Amanda should have been the one to complain if she had the sedative. (Speaking of Amanda, should a girl with a bad heart really be chasing a ball around outside? :) )

Maybe I'm not seeing it the way that you are, but the idea of John's car being parked on the side of the road, but the pursuers not seeing it because of it being hidden by a passing semi didn't make sense to me. I got the sense from the description of a "lonely desolate highway" that this was somewhere where the land is flat for miles at a time, where any car parked on the side of the road should stand out like a sore thumb.

I liked the car-chase scene shortly after that, but one thing did catch my eye. You don't specify in the scene where John is packing the car where his rifle case went, but I'm presuming the trunk just because of the presumed size. It seems to me like you need a little more intercutting with what's going with the remaining black car to give him time to get to the trunk, pop it open, get the rifle out, load it, and take his first shot. If he's already taken out the driver, then there's certainly going to be action over there to cut to, so I think it could time out pretty well.

I, too, saw "Johnís life slowly fades away"and assumed that meant he died there. If you're wanting to leave it more open, you might just have him lean against a wall and then slowly slide to the ground or something like that. I also wondered why John was coughing up blood since I didn't see that he'd gotten shot or anything along the way.

Finally, I wondered where two carloads of plainclothes "guards" came from so quickly after he stole the heart, how they knew so quickly to head for the relatives, and (for that matter) why two obviously injured guards came along on the chase rather than being treated at the hospital that John presumably stole the heart from. Not a huge problem, but it just seems like more serious security than any hospital would have, and access to more resources than you'd expect security guards to have.

All in all, though, it's a good script, and that car chase in the middle has the potential to look amazing on-screen. :)


Captn' Pierce, thanks for the kind words and for the review.. Ya, when the ideas come flowing I guess speeling is the last thing on my mind.

to answer your questions... really, it's more or less up to the director on some of these things and I would ultimately like to keep them open ended and let the visuals take over. I guess because I'm seeing this film in my head, I have a pretty strong vision and I'm still learning to put that vision to paper so that others will have the same or similar vision. (if not better)

Kids will always be kids and will do what they are told not to do. The boy was just being nice letting her sister go outside and play full knowing she's not supposed to be outside. Juice is the same way. boys have temperaments about just about everything.

as for the underground heart, I suppose i could add one line saying.. "underground henchman" or something to that effect.

The story is a small segment of a bigger picture and it starts you at a point in time and it goes from there. I suppose i could add more descriptions, but isn't that what the director should do anyway?

I was thinking to myself... If i were to direct this film, I would cut out half of the descriptions in the script, but found myself putting more in just so others know what's going on. I'm learning as I go.


I don't have the Intelligence or Patients to write paragraphs sorry, but, i loved it.

I think the way the chase scene was co-ordinated was great, and it had a strange sense of realism overall. The format was simple and easy to understand, allowed for quick reading.

The ending I thought was perfect, I had a clear picture painted in my mind. It sort of came across to me as Jack Bauer meets the guy from I Am Legend, emotional & strong characters. I have a wacky imagination though. I'd love to see it shot as a short flick =)

Thanks KiKi! I'd like to see this turned into a flick too. As far as I Am Legend, i could see where you could compare the two. This particular "Glorious Tragic" moment has been created on screen time and time again. Nothing new about that at all. :)


keep the crits a comin' people!

/j

krestofre
05-09-2008, 08:54 AM
Very gripping script! As the father of a son with asthma and a daughter (who thankfully doesn't have a heart condition) it was very easy for me to relate emotionally to this story. And then when you find out the true motivation, well, like I said, it's gripping.

Nice job. This one ranks high on my list.

Edgen
05-09-2008, 10:57 AM
Very gripping script! As the father of a son with asthma and a daughter (who thankfully doesn't have a heart condition) it was very easy for me to relate emotionally to this story. And then when you find out the true motivation, well, like I said, it's gripping.

Nice job. This one ranks high on my list.

Thank you Krestofre.

I know an asthmatic child too and it can't be much fun. :( I suppose if a father was given that situation along with all the 'complications' he has he'll do anything to help his children. Desparate times call for desperate measures.

It's hard to believe but human body parts are sold everywhere on the black market. Makes you wonder if you would do that same thing if given that situation.

Edgen
05-09-2008, 11:21 AM
Ooh.. and not to mention if you steal something as highend as a heart (assuming the father 1) stole it 2)paid someone else to steal it), the pursuit that will follow will most likely be a deadly one.

Can make for an exciting feature. :)

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 09:24 AM
Justin,
Good concept and pacing here. I think it just needs some tweaking and work to really make it flow and to clear up any loose ends. Let's start from the beginning.

You have a page describing these little kids kicking the ball and the car moving ominously towards them. My suggestion would be to start with the kids kicking the ball and the first image we get of the car is of it almost hitting the kids. It takes half a page tops and really kicks the script off with a bang. (Plausability note here: Can a little girl with a heart problem play ball? If you still want to keep the beginning you could have the boy playing outside with the friend and the sister inside somewhere. Just a thought)

Page 4, I think this should be the first time we see the black cars and men in suits. We wouldn't need the beginning shots of the black cars. I am not sure I understand what they are doing in this scene. Were they interrogating people? Did John rob them? I think it could be clarified.

I enjoy the conflict with the two kids hurt. I like how the father almost has to make a choice on which one to save. Good choice.

I think you could clarify what is in the vials. Are there different drinks? Different substances? I'm not sure if what the vial for the boy does exactly? Also are they limited in quantity? It would add extra tension if he was really worried about spilling it.

At the end I also thought Dave died. And I am not sure about where this heart operation is happening or where he got the heart from or why he is even being chased. I think we need to know some motivations for the chasers as well as some back story.

A note on formatting. Make sure you write in the present tense. Avoid using "is/are." It slows down the pacing and makes it hard to understand what is going on. For example, page eight
"In the fire fight, he manages to pick off the driver. The black car veers off the road and comes to a stop." This should just be written in the present as he fires off rounds.

Also for excitement purposes, capitalize all sounds and even some important or exciting actions.

Otherwise I thought you had a good start, it just needs some work and some cleaning up to make it really flow and explain some things.

Also, check this out if you've never seen it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mr_rxemKQQY

mjjason
05-10-2008, 09:46 AM
I enjoyed the script. The chase scene was really well done though I would have preferred a little less action, if that makes any sense. It makes John look like some sort of agent or fighter when in the end he is just a father concerned for his kids. Also, I too read the ending as John dying which made the ending less enjoyable. He ended endangering his son and dying himself to save his daughter. I am all for the suffering hero story but this one kind of left me disasppointed. If that is not what you meant as you have already stated than you may want to clarify the "as he fades away" line.

All in all this was a good script that, with a little teaking, would make a good movie.

Edgen
05-11-2008, 04:00 PM
Justin,
Good concept and pacing here. I think it just needs some tweaking and work to really make it flow and to clear up any loose ends. Let's start from the beginning.

You have a page describing these little kids kicking the ball and the car moving ominously towards them. My suggestion would be to start with the kids kicking the ball and the first image we get of the car is of it almost hitting the kids. It takes half a page tops and really kicks the script off with a bang. (Plausability note here: Can a little girl with a heart problem play ball? If you still want to keep the beginning you could have the boy playing outside with the friend and the sister inside somewhere. Just a thought)

Page 4, I think this should be the first time we see the black cars and men in suits. We wouldn't need the beginning shots of the black cars. I am not sure I understand what they are doing in this scene. Were they interrogating people? Did John rob them? I think it could be clarified.

I enjoy the conflict with the two kids hurt. I like how the father almost has to make a choice on which one to save. Good choice.

I think you could clarify what is in the vials. Are there different drinks? Different substances? I'm not sure if what the vial for the boy does exactly? Also are they limited in quantity? It would add extra tension if he was really worried about spilling it.

At the end I also thought Dave died. And I am not sure about where this heart operation is happening or where he got the heart from or why he is even being chased. I think we need to know some motivations for the chasers as well as some back story.

A note on formatting. Make sure you write in the present tense. Avoid using "is/are." It slows down the pacing and makes it hard to understand what is going on. For example, page eight
"In the fire fight, he manages to pick off the driver. The black car veers off the road and comes to a stop." This should just be written in the present as he fires off rounds.

Also for excitement purposes, capitalize all sounds and even some important or exciting actions.

Otherwise I thought you had a good start, it just needs some work and some cleaning up to make it really flow and explain some things.

Also, check this out if you've never seen it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mr_rxemKQQY

Smashed Burrito, Thank you for the feedback and suggestions to improving the technical parts of the script. As for the story, I suppose some things just do not need to be explained. I'd like to leave something up to the reader. As for the vial/viles or however you speel it, Its something that will be explained on screen. Only one cup has the sedative but I didn't want them to know which one he poured it into.

I've never seen that film before, but I'm sure there's lots of other films of stealing body parts and selling them off.




I enjoyed the script. The chase scene was really well done though I would have preferred a little less action, if that makes any sense. It makes John look like some sort of agent or fighter when in the end he is just a father concerned for his kids. Also, I too read the ending as John dying which made the ending less enjoyable. He ended endangering his son and dying himself to save his daughter. I am all for the suffering hero story but this one kind of left me disasppointed. If that is not what you meant as you have already stated than you may want to clarify the "as he fades away" line.

All in all this was a good script that, with a little teaking, would make a good movie.

Mjjason, I suppose it does seem like he dies by the 'as he fades away' line. but ya know, I'm a tragedy type of guy. I like killing off my characters or leaving it open ended. Something poetic and epic about it ya know?

Keep the feedback coming!