PDA

View Full Version : Ka-Ching by Rob Cote



rgcote
05-04-2008, 01:32 PM
I didn't see a thread for my submitted script. Am I responsible for creating such a thing? Don't know. I'm new at this.

Anyway, this script is my first submission on this site. I would very much welcome feedback.

rgcote
05-04-2008, 01:33 PM
Oh yeah ... a logline ...

"A case of mistaken pursuit pays off in the end."

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-04-2008, 01:53 PM
Funny story, well written.
Another case of the title revealing the payoff at the end. I saw the ending coming a long way off thanks to the title.

I still enjoyed it quite a bit and it flowed very nicely. Could make for a good short film.

Mike

rgcote
05-05-2008, 07:48 AM
Thanks for the feedback. If I went with a less leading title, do you think you would have seen the ending coming so quickly or would it have been obvious anyway?

The other thing that occurs to me as giving away the ending is that the vagrant rounds the corner into the alley just in time to see the thief toss the money pouch into the dumpster. In hindsight, I should have had the thief round the corner just *after* the thief tosses the money pouch so that he doesn't see it go into the dumpster. Then he discovers it because he is throwing away his mangled piece of fruit.

Thanks again for your feedback.

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 02:36 PM
I think it might have still been possible to pick up on things, given the vagrant begging for change when you've already got a guy acting suspisicously around a bank, but probably not as obvious.

And I don't know that having the vagrant see the puch thrown into the dumpster is a problem. If he still doesn't even believe that he's not the one being chased until the cop tells him so, after he sees the guy throw the pouch into the dumpster, he's naturally going to be curious about what it is. Personally, I think that works better than having him look inside the dumpster as he's throwing his crushed fruit away--I try not to look in dumpsters when I'm throwing things into them, cause I usually figure I don't really want to know what's in them. :)

I almost wonder if it would work to intercut things a little more at the beginning, compress time a little, so that the guy who's getting a parking ticket could still be there and think he's the one that the cop is after (for going with the "don't you have better things to do than hassle me?" speech). Just a thought; it might take things a little too slapstick, though. (Just had another thought--in this scenario, the guy getting the ticket could be the guy he asks for change, and the guy could say something like, "If I had any change, I would've put it in the meter so I didn't get this freaking ticket!" But that's probably only funny to me. :) )

OK, I'll stop the unsolicited rewrites here and just wrap up. :) I think it's a good script that tells a complete story, and I liked it.

Russell Moore
05-07-2008, 08:18 PM
This script had some funny moments in it. I liked when the thief and the vagrant first notice each other, that whole exchange was pretty humorous.

It might just be me, but when I see camera angles written in like it was in a couple of spot, it takes me out of the story. If possible I think it would flow better if these were not there.

I think its fine with the vagrant seeing the thief throw the pouch into the dumpster.
Overall, I enjoyed reading it and especially fun once the chase was on.
Good job.

John LaBonney
05-08-2008, 03:25 PM
I liked the story, this could be a neat little short film.

The best moment is when the two criminals are in the alley facing each other.

The camera directions distracted me and made the script harder to read, so consider removing them completely.

rgcote
05-08-2008, 06:00 PM
Thanks for all the great commentary everyone. I do see the point about the camera angles. I'm used to thinking in terms of how I would direct and it's hard to separate that from the story, but I do see the need to do that separation.

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 01:27 PM
I thought this was a nice little story that really fits the theme. Definitely consider taking out the camera angles. A good director will know what to do, trust me.

I like your story but I think it could be compressed. You could start with the police officer ticketing and the Vagrant stealing. Then the man could run out of the bank. We don't need to meet him until the actual chase begins. Also that way it isn't as obvious that he stole some money and it makes it more of a guessing game for the audience as to who the police officer is actually chasing. It helps the payoff at the end work a little better.

Watch your writing in the beginning, you spend a lot of time making sure it is brutally clear where people are and what they are doing. See if there are areas you can tighten up. If you keep the pace of the text flowing then we will assume a lot of the specific shots and looks that you explicitly write in.

Overall I thought this was a light and entertaining script. i would really consider shortening it down and tightening up the pacing. Right now it is a 6 page script that could really be three or four. Trust me, short effective scripts beat a long, meandering one any day.

krestofre
05-12-2008, 08:14 PM
I'd suggest giving the vagrant a name. He's the character that we're supposed to be invested in, and calling him Stan or something would help with that connection.

Aside from that, listen to smashedburrito's comments. A lot of your description could be tightened up. You take great lengths to explain motivation that we inherently understand. For example you don't have to tell us that the cop is suspicious. From the thief leaving the bank, making eye contact, and running, we know that the cop is suspicious.

I like the story of the script. The dual chase is clever and the confrontation between the thief and the vagrant works well.