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View Full Version : Meeting - by Gohanto



Gohanto
05-02-2008, 07:45 PM
Not everything is what it seems.

STYLZ
05-07-2008, 02:25 PM
The scene where the bullet hits in front of him and he hardly blinks is hard to believe. I found myself engrossed in the story only to have it end abrubtly. Me personally, I felt unsatisfied, I wanted there to be more to the story/Chrissy. I visualized the story easily, cool idea. Anyone else help me on this.

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 10:40 AM
Okay, sorry it took me a while to get to this.

First real quickly with formatting. You need some sort of action before you can begin with dialog. You can't just have scene heading then dialog. Just a nitpick.

I feel like for Stan to go over to her she might need to wave to him or something. Give him some sign that he should come over. I don't usually cross busy streets for smiles.

Page 2- Cut the voice over. You never use it again.

I'd read the interrogator's dialog out loud. Sometimes I have trouble believing he is actually a cop. I especially have trouble picturing Stan saying "f--- you" to a cop.

Also I am having trouble buying that he keeps going after a gun shot. And why is there only one gun shot? I feel like he would sprint off or take cover or there would be more shots. I know you explain it later, but I think it needs more.

When Crissy presses him up against the wall Stan still delivers some pretty nicely clumsy dialog. I think at this point after a gunshot and a kick he would be panicking and freaking out.

Ending. I'm guessing Crissy gave him the card after kneeing him. But I still think it ends abruptly. Why would he want to see this girl after being kidnapped for her? I think she needs to offer him something besides a great body. He needs a little more motivation to lie for this girl. Maybe he helped her finish off that drug dealer or something. Also write out what the TV report says and who is saying it. Don't leave writing up to your actors or directors.

Good start, I'd suggest reworking this after you get some more feedback.

Gohanto
05-10-2008, 01:22 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys.

smashedburrito,

I guess I did go a little overboard on the 'B-movie have fun and don't explain everything' mentality I was going for. I wrote this rather quick then revised it some, but I never really took a full week or two away to really get the perspective about how far fetched some of the motives were.

One quick question though, you mentioned not going straight to dialog after a scene heading, however what do you suggest for when nothing has changed since the last time we were in that scene and it's a straight continuation? It does look awkward, I just had no idea what to write there as "Same as before" seemed even more awkward.

Thanks,

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 01:29 PM
If people haven't changed after the scene heading just reestablish what they are doing. "Timmy rests his head on his hands" is really good enough. If you are really struggling then you can even write, "The interrogation continues."

Go to imsdb.com and read some scripts for ideas.

Hope this helps.

krestofre
05-12-2008, 02:41 PM
Yeah ... I'll probably do that to anyone who wants to take my daughter out. :)

Seriously though, the script has intrigue going for it. You want to read on and figure out what's happening, and that's a good quality to capture.

Immediatley after reading it I was like "What? Not buying it." But the more I think about it, it's kind of amusing that the whole thing is a precaution before letting this guy ask for a date.

I would have liked to see Chrissy's character established a little more before the "slam the guy against the wall" scene. As it is it's a little hard for me to believe that after the gunshot this guy didn't turn are run. Yes, you try to explain that, but the flight half of "fight or flight" is pretty strong. I either need more about Stan to convince me that he's a hero, or more about Chrissy to convince me that Stan would walk through gunfire to try and make the relationship work.

I like what you've got so far, and think that you can push the story a little harder to make it something that absolutely shines.

mjjason
05-13-2008, 01:47 PM
I liked the story. It was enjoyable to read though some parts were hard to believe. As others have said the gunshot part takes me out of the story because the guy doesn't even flinch. Also, I had a hard time believing that someone would go through all this just for a good-looking girl. Plus I would have a hard time believing that a girl that is an assassin would go for someone like this. I think you would need to build that up more.

Overall a pretty good read.

Captain Pierce
05-13-2008, 04:58 PM
I think my comments have pretty much already been made; a decent read, but it does seem odd that Stan keeps following her, and it ends a touch abruptly.

Russell Moore
05-14-2008, 10:04 AM
I echo some of the comments above, the plausibility issues and the ending was a bit abrupt.

But I like the set up and you did a good job of building suspense and mystery, you held my interest and I wanted to find out was going to happen next. Good job.