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Mobie540
05-02-2008, 02:04 PM
An untreatable heart condition plagues the world population, only one man is immune and the world wants him.

First contest ever, new member to the forum.

mentatDUKE
05-05-2008, 06:22 PM
Mobie, I enjoyed this. Very, very clever idea with excellent dry humor. This would be great fun to watch as a completed film. I would nitpick the scientist and the mob's inexplicable discovery of Steve, but this is an absurdist sci fi comedy, so that would be silly.

Really enjoyed this. Great job.

alex whitmer
05-05-2008, 08:47 PM
Script Review

FUTURE

*Like ten minutes from now, or thirty years ??

All forms of exercise and sex is outlawed.

*Should be ‘are’ outlawed.

This …

Heart monitor use is enforced and monitored by the government.”

*Monitor used twice in same sentence.

This …

We hear a heartbeat faster and faster. The heart beats even
faster.

*Redundant.

This …

White text: “Literally, the heart explodes out of the chest
at 121 Beats Per Minute!”

*I don’t buy it. How does the heart break through the ribcage?

This …

The pedestrian conveyance system is a large conveyor belt
built into the side walk. The one-way system transports the
city’s commuters and pedestrians.

*Commuters? If they are on the sidewalk, they are pedestrians.

*Not sure what you mean by large. Do you mean wide, long, or part of a ‘large’ system that moves in only one direction?

This …

An adjacent sidewalk used for emergency vehicles only, runs parallel to the conveyance system.

*Why are emergency vehicles on the sidewalk? Is there a sign posted showing the audience the purpose of the adjacent sidewalk?

This …

To keep heart rates down nobody walks except for STEVE
JOHNSON

*How do we know this?

This …

He sips on an extra large herbal heart healthy smoothie.

*Who, Steve or the pedestrian?

This …

She is so large she blocks the entire conveyor belt

*If it’s a ‘large’ conveyor belt, she must be enormous.

This …

Steve sucks his stomach in as he passes the woman.

*Is the conveyor belt walled in or something? Why can’t Steve just step on the adjacent sidewalk to pass?

Page 2

A rapid fruity gait.

*Not sure what that looks like.

This …

Steve carefully ensures both feet stay on the ground.

*He’s walking, not flying.

This …

The duo leg pump the ground. Their scooters gain momentum.
Officer Davis flips on the siren attached to his scooter. The
sirens blare.

*I’d pay to see that!!

Funny this …

OFFICER DAVIS
You were clearing speed walking.

STEVE
(out of breath)
No, no. It’s more of a brisk pace.

Page 4

an all day stake out.

*Needs a hyphen ‘all-day stakeout’

Page 5

OFFICER DAVIS
Sir, I’m placing you under cardiac
arrest.

*Pretty funny.

This …

Officer Davis and Steve awkwardly coast down the sidewalk on
the scooter together.

*Almost a Monty Python moment here.

Page 7

Officer Gerrity’s heart explodes out of his chest. Blood
splashes onto the windshield of the car. His heart bounces
off the windshield and hits the ground. His corpse drops to
the ground.

*Okay, I’ll buy it for the sake of comedy.

This …

Ivan sticks Steve in the arm with the needle. He pushes the
plunger. Steve’s eyelids close.


*Need a slug change here.

This …

jump out of the door.

*Lose ‘of the door’. Redundant.

This …

We hear police sirens off in the distance.

*Kill the ‘we’.

Page 9

This is funny

STEVE
Well, I don’t see why not but I
have to be back home by 7.

SCIENTIST
It’s a deal.



Disapointing ending. This felt like it was going somewhere, maybe along the lines of ‘A boy and his dog’. Then - pffft.

If exercise is outlawed, where are the Olympics being held?

It’s a funny story with good potential. Maybe it’s not reasonably filmable due to the SFX, but certainly worthy of polishing it up for contests. Just plug the holes, and completely rewrite the ending. Give us some good reason the scientist took out two Russians.

Cops in spandex on scooters is great. Seems the last time I was on one of those, there was some exertion.

alex

Justin Muschong
05-05-2008, 08:49 PM
This was a really cool script. The premise is a great comedic take on the "pursuit" theme and very inventive. What might make this even funnier is shortening it by a few pages. It's a sort of a one-joke premise and to wring it out for maximum effect you need to get in and get out. Cutting it a bit would condense the jokes together and make it more of a comedy body slam than an elbow nudge (if that makes any sense). You could probably also add a few more details here and there to fully render this future. There's an obese woman, yes, but wouldn't nearly everyone be obese?

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-05-2008, 09:30 PM
Funny script. I actually loved the ending so go figure. Very Monty Python'ish.
I could just see the Olympic speed walkers trying to keep up with Steve and watching their hearts fly out of their chest. :D

I felt the pacing needed a bit of work but it was good overall.

Mike

Mobie540
05-05-2008, 10:22 PM
Thanks for the feedback! I'm ashamed but I pretty much posted my 1st draft which I would never do but didn't see this contest until late.

I was absolutely going for the word's slowest ridiculous chase. Originally I was going to do a world where 99.9% of the population is obese but thought against it.

But yes, this absolutely needs to be revised and tightened several times and I love the feedback both positive and negative.

I think it can be filmed, you just put the actors on dollies or trailers and film from the knees up.

alex whitmer
05-06-2008, 05:58 AM
I think it can be filmed, you just put the actors on dollies or trailers and film from the knees up.

I should clarify what I meant ...

It's certainly filmable, but not so easily on the zero budget many DVX users seem to work with. At some point you would need a moving side walk and cityscape background as a reference to show 'future'.

In all actuality, you could lose the whole conveyor concept, and even the future concept, as the crime and the dangers of exploding hearts really has to do with speed. You could just show everyone walk very slow, which might play nicely with the spansex cops on scooters.

Filming from the knees up, I feel, would kill much of the driving force of the humor/story.

alex

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 06:17 PM
Cops in spandex on scooters is great.

Maybe, but skinny cops with pot-bellies in spandex frighten me. :)

As others have, I find the sudden appearance of the Olympics at the end of a script that begins by saying that exercise has been outlawed a little odd. I did enjoy the part about the scientist not being able to find a cure, though, just think maybe it needs to go somewhere else.

It's a fun script, though.

mjjason
05-10-2008, 10:34 AM
I like the absurd concept but the ending really falls flat. It just makes no sense. I know its a comedy but it doesn't fit in with the world you created.

Isaac_Brody
05-10-2008, 10:59 AM
Great concept, lots of room for humor. I especially like the image of a heart exploding out of a chest. I expected it to happen much sooner.

Agree with others that this could be trimmed down and the ending needs a more satisfying punch. Really good concept and tons of room for comedic moments. You didn't do this but even just getting annoyed will raise your heartrate. You could be standing there, someone flips you the bird and kaboom, heart burst.

You could take this further in that one of the rules of this society is that everyone has to be extra nice to each other to avoid raising their heart-rate.

I think your white text on black should be part of a cheesy newsreel, like those clips that played in theaters in the fifties. What time period are we working in? It felt futuristic, but I wasn't sure just how far in the future.

Lots of potential here, keep developing it. Good work.

Mobie540
05-10-2008, 12:25 PM
I cut a couple of scenes on a TV where they we're showing sports. One of the olympic games was miniature golf and online team gaming. Also, poker replaced football. There was a gag when a seasoned poker pro's heart explodes on the table after winning the champion but I decided to scrap it and do a page 1 rewrite.

krestofre
05-13-2008, 01:38 PM
I think those things would have strengthened the script. The concept is good. The chase idea is brilliantly funny. I think you need to turn it up to 11 as it were. Hearts should be blowing out every five seconds. Have Steve walk through a store and in the background is some guy that's like "What do you mean you won't give me my money back?" Ploosh! Heart explode. Some guy bites into a cheeseburger. Ploosh! Heart explode. I'd have that happening every time I could. But that's just me, and it's not my script.

Funny idea. I enjoyed it. The only joke that made me groan was "cardiac arrest." That might be pushing it. :)

Mobie540
05-19-2008, 02:13 PM
well, 10 pages is challenging, I can't imagine 5 pages. I'm definitely doing a rewrite. This will probably get made in a later film school class.