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Detached
05-02-2008, 11:01 AM
Allison's wasted again. Only this time, she's not with friends.

STYLZ
05-04-2008, 02:07 PM
Hmmm. Simple story. Didn't feel this was a short movie as much as a PSA. This did fit the pursuit theme though. Maybe it's just me personally, but I really didn't care for Allison. Maybe because she is a drunk tramp. Not to say anyone deserves that, just hard for me to identify with her issues or have sympathy for her. Maybe if she taught special needs children. Then it would be a different story. Wouldn't have the punchline at the end with the alcohol. So I guess my beef is just with I can't get invested in the story/character. Ah ha...Mabe if she was getting drunk because she found out her boyfriend is cheating, something along those lines. Something where she is hurt, vunerable, upset, not just being her ole trampy self. Then you would have to revise the end to probably. Maybe you were going for the character arc/change. Alcoholic to newly found sobriety. Maybe someone else could chime in, help me out.

Thank you for sharing.

Captain Pierce
05-04-2008, 04:33 PM
As a guy, I'm not sure I'm qualified to give any feedback on this one :), but let me try. I agree with Stylz that this is a little PSA/"After School Special." Also--


Not to say anyone deserves that

Nobody will probably say so, but there will be people who read this (or people who watch it if it gets filmed) who will definitely think it. I almost think this needed the Driver to say something to Brian & Matt about how she deserved it, so that Brian can say something like, "Look, I know she drinks too much, and she gets way too flirty and touchy-feely when she gets drunk, but nobody deserves that!" (Or Matt could even say it if Brian was dangerously close to agreeing with the Driver.") This doesn't necessarily make it any less "After School Special," probably more so, actually; but if you're going to try and get the message across, I say go all the way (no pun intended). :)

The last line was simply perfect, though. :D

arroway
05-04-2008, 05:14 PM
I like the title and the title tie in.

don’t capitalize “tramp”.

nice last line, but overall, despite a few nice moments, I thought the script was too straight forward, too A to B, and I really didn't sympathize with Allison's character.

John LaBonney
05-04-2008, 06:03 PM
Frankly, I was hoping for no rescue to come at all. If her rescue had to come, I would have preferred that it be a freak accident.

The only character that I thought was realistic was the driver, and I found myself rooting for him more than anyone else. That might be a good new way to take this story, trying to get the audience to empathize with him as he stalks and attacks his victims, while trying to avoid and outsmart the cops.

mjjason
05-04-2008, 07:18 PM
Frankly, I was hoping for no rescue to come at all. If her rescue had to come, I would have preferred that it be a freak accident.

The only character that I thought was realistic was the driver, and I found myself rooting for him more than anyone else. That might be a good new way to take this story, trying to get the audience to empathize with him as he stalks and attacks his victims, while trying to avoid and outsmart the cops.
Not sure I would root for the driver :)

I echo the PSA comments. It felt like that and as a result I didn't really care for Allison. I kept imagining a bad after school actor playing the part.

Also, I would lose the whole going back to the bar. It really served no purpose and was anti-climactic.

Russell Moore
05-06-2008, 07:27 AM
I liked how you opened with the character of Allison and I had no problem with her seeming unlikable or unsympathetic. I felt the character was authentic. I don't think the main character has to be someone the reader is rooting for.
I think I can see how you wanted the ending to feel, with the last line and both characters say "no" simultaneously. This might actually be funny, it just felt out of place for me here. The tone of the script at the end and the tone at the beginning(and most of the middle) feel completely different to me.
It starts out kind of cheap and dirty and pretty much sticks with this til the final bar scene and then it feels like a lifetime movie or a sitcom to me.

This is a little repetitive, you could probably cut this down.


Allison shakes from fear and cold. She sees dim lights in
the distance and stumbles toward them.
*Allison stumbles and falls as she makes her way across the
field. She cries and looks around frightened.

*this line really isn't needed, as you already stated she was stumbling.

I thought you had some good description during the altercation between her and the driver, I liked this one

The driver is so close to Allison his breath moves her hair
as he speaks. His sweat drops on her breast bone and runs
down her cleavage.

I think you have a lot of good things going on here and I enjoyed reading it.

Detached
05-06-2008, 09:56 AM
Thanks all! I really appreciate and listen to your feedback.

I am so glad you liked the opening Conlanforever and I agree, even if you don't like a character, that is still an emotion.

I like one reviewers comments that maybe this script should end at the curb! Maybe a bit didactic or preachy leaving it in the bar.

I don't want that, but did want to show an arch. I think it was a fun, exciting exercise.

I better get back to my day job, as you can see, I can't quit it! ;-)

Thanks again All!!!!

Dawn

Isaac_Brody
05-07-2008, 12:45 PM
I have similar sentiments to what was already written. I don't like that she goes back to the bar and is dressed respectable. That definitely gave it the PSA feel.

I agree that with her behavior it's hard to like her, but also feel like she didn't deserve the "big "dog." I would have liked it if she found a way to get away from big dog, that just at the brink she wiggles out somehow.

Well written, you just need to shake things up a bit and give us more of the unexpected.

krestofre
05-07-2008, 04:58 PM
The Driver is written so well that it's almost a little uncomfortable to read. He's so realistic that you get a real creepy vibe from him.

I almost think that the script would be stronger if you cut the final bar scene altogether. Just end it with her getting out of this bad situation. Maybe give her a piece of dialog to show that she'll come out of this a better person. Like Isaac mention, the fact that she's dressed respectable and seems to have done a complete 180 in no time feels a little odd. I think that people, even when going through traumatic experiences, only change a few degrees as a time, not a complete reversal.

My two cents.

Justin Muschong
05-07-2008, 05:16 PM
I agree that Allison should somehow get out of the situation by herself. Having help show up felt like a bit of a let down. I also agree that the final scene at the bar should be cut. It's enough that Allison survived a traumatic experience. We know she'll be changed from it, we don't need to see it.

Mark Harris
05-07-2008, 05:32 PM
This feels about 90% there. I agree with some others, the thing about her showing up in a "respectable" outfit. To me, that fits into a twisted mentality that girls who wear short skirts are "bad" and girls who are dowdy are "good." I hate that in hollywood films and TV.

But I felt like the writing was good, solid and immediate. I'm trying to figure out why the long description of the chase here did not bug me as much as it did in another short. I dunno, have to think about it.

But I did crack up at the GPS thing. I don't know why. Maybe it's for the reason I have a hard time with almost any modern thriller, because all you ever have to do is call someone on the cell phone to solve it, get out of it, etc. I don't know.

I also agree, it might be fun to play with her getting out of it somehow herself. Maybe she remembers her phone and has to fight with the guy to get it and he thinks she is trying to calll, but all she needs to do is turn on the GPS. I don't know. But it might be cool to play with some ideas there.

One thing you also might consider is she is WASTED at the bar. You might think about a section in there where she has to get her shit together. Like I remember this Travanian novel where the hero was drugged. So he climbed on top of this dresser and threw himself on the floor repeatedly to keep himself alert from the pain. Then he did something else to speed up his metabolism and process the rug faster. That is extreme, but you might think about a section in there where she has to get straight enough to even think about what's happening to her. It's just a detail that might help it.

Also, when they came back to the bar, I thought for sure the bartender was in on it somehow. Like he says he "went to the storeroom," I thought maybe he went out, drove around and picked her up.Or he knew the guy who tried to rape her. None of that has to happen, but right now the way it ends, it makes me think that bartender is in on it somehow. So I was a left a little hanging when nothing happened with him.

Good work!

jasonthewho
05-08-2008, 06:12 AM
I think this was a well written script, if a little straightforward. Girl gets so drunk, creep takes advantage of her. Fairly obvious plot. It seems strange to me, however, that so many people complained about her being unlikable, yet I have read several shorts in this fest about serial killer men, and I don't believe anyone has ever called them unlikable. I think it is ridiculously chauvinist to think she deserves what happens to her in any way. The point is just that what she was doing wasn't smart, and that's the lesson she learns. I agree that it's obvious she learns that lesson, the last bar scene isn't necessary, or if you want to show that she's changed, have a sequence that takes place a month later, not just the next day.

I personally found the driver to be over the top, and too cartoonishly evil. Maybe he's really nice to her when she first gets in the car, so we don't see it coming quite so much. I think you did a really good job telling your story, with great descriptions and some great action sequences.



I better get back to my day job, as you can see, I can't quit it! ;-)


Maybe not, but definitely don't quit writing!

Detached
05-08-2008, 06:25 PM
Thanks everyone so much for the awesome feedback and insight. It is priceless.

I have to get busy and start reading some more tonight. Not sure if I am going to get thru them all, but I am trying.

Couple of things...

First of all, I am willing to change this script up to meet the needs of the filmakers, I am such a pimp girl. Whatever you want guys! ;-)

Second, what is PSA? What does that mean?

Oh.. and today is my birthday, so if my spelling is off or my comments are weird, its not me, its the beers! ;-)

One more thing, anyone here over at NYCMidnight this year???

okay, I gotta get busy printing some more awesome scirpts out.

lates....

Jim Montgomery
05-08-2008, 07:09 PM
Public Service Announcement (Ad). I told you the bartender did it.

Detached
05-08-2008, 07:23 PM
Hey you!!! Yes, when I read that, I thought of you and thought... damn.. he was right!!!

Always willing to change it up! ;-)

Nice to see you here - a familiar lens! lol

STYLZ
05-08-2008, 07:29 PM
Happy B-Day yoooooo!!!!!

rgill50
05-08-2008, 10:41 PM
This was well written and all your points got across good. But I don't think it has any originality or even an interesteing story to pull you in and hold you. I feel like this was too much of the text book story. Introduce the character and what they want, then what's keeping them from getting it, and finally resolving it. What makes stories so great and groundbreaking is when you go offroad with it and throw in twists and turns. Decieve the viewers mind and make them think. I think you can write, but you just need to work on story devlopment a little more and make the characters real and tangible.