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Jeff_L
05-02-2008, 01:41 AM
uploaded earlier tonight...

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Charlie and Claire

If a tap drips in the bathroom, does anybody hear it?
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Hey all, I'm finally posting after lurking for quite a while. Glad the Script Fest has brought me outta my shell. I really enjoy all the info and support around here, and thanks for inspiring me to get this script done.

- Jeff

jasonthewho
05-02-2008, 03:10 AM
"Lost" fan fiction? :)

Jeff_L
05-02-2008, 09:43 AM
"Lost" fan fiction? :)
Nope. I'm a bit TV illiterate as I don't have cable. Seen only half an episode of Lost. So... there's characters named Charlie and Claire? Are they cool? Do they fret over dripping taps? I should rent the dvds and get off this island been living on.

jasonthewho
05-02-2008, 11:20 AM
You should watch Lost because it's the best show on television. And you don't need cable since it's on ABC. However, you need to start at Episode 1 and work your way up to now. Otherwise it won't make any sense. Without spoiling too much, there are characters named Charlie and Claire on Lost who have a relationship of sorts.

mentatDUKE
05-05-2008, 05:10 PM
Jeff, good job on the script. I thought there were some pacing problems. Things seemed to take a while to get going. Having to watch these characters struggle with annoyances for so long was hard to deal with. The coincidental chance meeting in the hospital was cute. The highlight of the story was the delightfuly weird, psychadellic ending. That's something you don't see all the time. Defintiely a big, colorful ending. I wonder if an indie could do it justice?

Good job.

Jeff_L
05-05-2008, 08:20 PM
Hey mentatDUKE. Thanks for the great feedback. Yeah I was wondering if I was hitting the same beat too much. Point well taken re: pacing. Will definitely look at that for the rewrite.

I've had fun with this script; I gave myself a goal to write more visual actions and less dialogue. (Coming from theatre, I tend towards 'talking heads".)

Don't know if this could be produced affordably, but I just wanted to let my imagination go. Who knows, maybe someone has a green screen studio in their garage...

Thanks again for the feedback. After a busy a weekend I've got free time again, so I'm looking forward to reading Godwins Law and the rest of the Scriptfest scripts.

Best,

- Jeff

Jeff_L
05-05-2008, 08:37 PM
Hey Jason, yeah I dug the half episode of Lost I saw, and wouldn't want to blow it by jumping in after the beginning.

My wife has the first season on DVD, so I'll have her bring it to me. (She's a Manhattan, I'm a Canuck waiting for my immigration papers.)

I'll keep my eye out for Charlie and Claire.

Russell Moore
05-06-2008, 03:42 PM
I thought their were some funny moments in this script.

I agree it started to run a little long. But I liked a lot of the hi jinks going on, even the small stuff, I hate it when the butter is too hard to spread, funny.
I'm not sure why he was brushing and flossing his teeth before he ate his sandwich though.

As far as the end, it just seemed out of place. I have no problem with a surreal over the top ending. I think the one that you wrote would fit better if you figured out how to incorporate some surreal events(even if they were minor) that run throughout the script. That way the tone of the script would be more consistent.

I liked the fact that you wrote a very visual script with little dialogue and I liked that they get together. I'm fine with happy coincidences like that.

It was a fun read.

jasonthewho
05-07-2008, 05:47 AM
I really enjoyed the script. I agree with other's that it ran a little long, you could probably cut one instance of frustration from each character. I also think it is a little strange for both Charlie and Claire to have a leaky faucet. And I'm not sure where the theme of pursuit fits in here, but perhaps its more metaphorical in this case, the pursuit of a good night sleep, or something like that.

I was afraid this was going to have a cliched ending, so I was pleasantly surprised by the crazy ending. It wraps everything up in an original way, while also not leaving everything neat and tidy. Since we don't know what's real, we don't know if they actually live happily ever after or not. When it went surreal, my first thought was, I bet this guy does theater. Glad to know I called that correctly.

alex whitmer
05-07-2008, 09:26 AM
Page 1

Clothes-stand … usually called a ‘lazy butler’.

This …

I don’t quite buy a broken arm from a toilet tank. Most of those mechanisms are PVC.

Great scene in hospital to bring these tow together.

Page 8, and extra space under NURSE

(I’d cut and paste, but you have a lock on the text)

********************************************

Very fun read. Love the hooks from the sky.

A little odd, but in a very good way. Well written, nice formatting, and very easy to read. It just clipped right through!

Great ending.

a

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-07-2008, 06:38 PM
I enjoyed this quite a bit even though as others have noted it dragged just a tad in spots. The ending more than made up for it.

I really liked when they met up in the waiting room. It made all of their frustration worthwhile. They are quite the pair!

What came next was a delight.

Cheers,

Mike

krestofre
05-08-2008, 12:44 PM
I agree with the others. Pacing was the only issue I saw with this script, and it wasn't a very big issue. I also liked how Claire had no problems fixing the faucet while it was Charlie's big hang up. That made me laugh. And when she broker her wrist I half expected her to roll her eyes, set the bone, sling it up, and go back to studying.

The ending was fun and fanciful. I like how they found each other and ended up together.

Good script.

btangonan
05-11-2008, 01:28 AM
Did I miss something? What does this story have to do with following?

Jeff_L
05-11-2008, 05:24 PM
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'll try and incorporate it into the rewrite. (In an effort to improve the pacing, I've made some cuts already, and will look for further spots to tighten.)

As for the pursuit/following thing, a while ago people on the forum asked whether a less literal interpretation of pursuit/following would be okay. The consensus was yes, so I went that route.

Charlie and Claire are pursuing a peaceful night's work/sleep, but are being followed around by noise/distraction, which is an antagonistic force, if not character.

I've really enjoyed reading the other scripts I've gotten to so far. Learning a lot from them, and getting a better sense of what really works in the short film form. So, happy for this forum and the Scriptfest.

Ciao for now,

- Jeff

Captain Pierce
05-14-2008, 01:20 PM
Yeah, a fracture from a toilet repair seems a touch far-fetched, as does crossing her annoyances with his. What I might suggest is keeping them both stuck on one annoyance, him with the drip, her with the dog. I think that would help shorten the piece up and keep it focused.

Personally, I'm not a a fan of the out-of-nowhere surrealistic ending, but that's just me--clearly the people who are into that sort of thing are liking it. :)