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Park Edwards
05-02-2008, 12:01 AM
Logline: Cops and Robbers is no game.

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/10967/1209766932.jpg

I literally wrote this in two hours to make deadline. Wanted to write something different than the rest for fun. Not expecting anything, but had a solid story and wanted to get it out there.

Good luck everyone.

EDIT: Also, on script format. I wrote this using a microsoft word template I found on the net. I did this at work and suffice it to say they don't carry Final Draft.

Nektonic
05-02-2008, 12:09 AM
Hey, don't feel bad. I had to scramble to submit something as well due to my original idea being way too ambitious and long for this fest.

Park Edwards
05-02-2008, 12:21 AM
Negative. Don't feel bad at all.

Park Edwards
05-02-2008, 11:33 AM
Thanks for the encouragement. We'll just have to wait and read...

Park Edwards
05-02-2008, 04:23 PM
New poster up

Mobie540
05-04-2008, 11:53 AM
spoilers











Really creative. Could use some tightening on the dialogue/action stuff. The only thing that the viewer watching this wouldn’t get would be the clever tie of Buster’s name. You don’t mention Buster’s name before Kenson says, “Freeze it Buster”. The audience doesn’t get to read the script while watching. The only other thing I would do is put some subliminal clue in the beginning that alludes they are kids but maybe the title does that.

jasonthewho
05-07-2008, 07:10 AM
Very clever concept. I was enjoying the main action so much though, that I was a little disappointed that it was all just a game. I wanted to find out how the cop was going to catch Buster. I guess that's a testament to your storytelling abilities.

Some spelling errors:
Page 2 comfortabley should be comfortably
radio's should be radios
Page 3 site should be sight

On Page 7 I would say "Kenny loses his patience" instead of "Kenny's patience quickly gets bored."

Park Edwards
05-07-2008, 12:05 PM
Thanks man. Yeah, it was put together so fast that I never had enough time to give a good read for errors. Glad you you enjoyed "most" of it.

-rh

Russell Moore
05-08-2008, 07:49 AM
I also thought this was a clever concept and I didn't see what was coming and thats a good thing.

One minor formatting error, you have the time of Day before the location and it should be the other way around, but I understand this could just be due to your rush to get it written and not being able to read over it as throughly as you would have liked.
The part where they tell Buster he's being tailed, don't look back and then of course he looks back. That was funny and genuine. You say don't look and the first thing people do is look.

Your story telling was solid. Good job, especially in such a short time.

Park Edwards
05-08-2008, 12:00 PM
Thanks man. Good catch btw...I didn't even notice that. I'm used to Final Draft doing all the work. So, mistakes were made of course. But this template isn't bad if you are really in need of some type of screen writing software.

85poundsofentertainment
05-08-2008, 01:00 PM
Oh my God. I had a script that was almost completely identical mostly writen that I came up with right when the Fest began, although it took place more from the robbers point of view. I had the same ending and everything, it just never got quite finished.

Park Edwards
05-08-2008, 01:29 PM
laugh...that's awesome...
2 things then. Great minds think alike.
Another is, get your work out there before someone else does.

I know there are many times I've seen a movies synopsis and think how close it is to my idea...and thankfully it turns out nothing like how I imagined.

If you ever finish it, post a link, I'd like to see what you came up with.

krestofre
05-09-2008, 12:16 PM
Good, fun script. I liked how you presented the twist at the end. At first I was like "Huh?" and then I figured it out and the script just coasted to the ending, which felt appropriate.

I think any critique that I had has already been covered by the other members, so I won't repeat them.

Good job.

Park Edwards
05-09-2008, 12:36 PM
Thanks man. Appreciate that.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-09-2008, 12:56 PM
Good stuff. I didn't see it coming but got it right away when Mom called out.
I was going to nitpick on a few things, like... sure... there just happens to be a lead pipe there. But considering the ending, that would be foolish of me.

Nice work.

Mike

Park Edwards
05-09-2008, 01:18 PM
laugh, hey, it could happen!!...thanks for the feedback

alex whitmer
05-13-2008, 11:58 AM
Page 1

Kenson a tough New York police detective, honest guy, plays
by the book, but doesn’t hesitate to rough somebody up to
get the job done.

*Much of this needs to be shown, not told.

Like this …

His walkie rests comfortabley on the
dashboard of his car. His eyes concentrated on the building
across the street.

*That I can film!

This …

O.S.
Sir, no activity, you sure he’s here?

*Should I assume this a human voice over the radio??

This …

obviously aggravated due to his authority
undermined,

*I can film ‘obviously aggravated’. ‘Undermined authority’ is another issue.

*Nothing so far shows me this is the case.

This …

*More of the same …

Kenson lets out a sigh of disappointment, as he notions the
fact he could be wrong. His source could’ve lied.
The first sentence is fine. The rest belongs in a novel.

*Comb this script for all those things the audience can’t possible know just by looking at the screen.

This …

KENSON
Come on. Where are you?

*For all this radio communication, make some kind of indication we are indeed hearing a RADIO conversation.

KENSON (RADIO)
Come on!

This …

He grabs the walkie and radio’s the rooftops.

KENSON
Delta 6 do you have anything yet?

*How am I supposed to know to whom or to where he’s speaking?

*By the way, your page numbers are off, and in the wrong location.

This page 2 …

KENSON
Damn it! Three years we’ve been
following this guy and the one-day we
have a lead nothing happens!

*Typo on then.

Typo here also …

cool down and radio’s back.

*The ‘ indicates possessive or short form.

This …

and looks at the bank

*I didn’t know he was watching a bank. Make sure that info is clear right from the start.

This …

He walks down the sidewalk with a big
smile stamped onto his face, as it’s possible he just got
away with the biggest bank robbery in history.

*More un-filmable information.

*Some of the spacing is off. From single to double and triple lines.

This …

Kenson turns off the radio and throws it in --- passenger seat.

*Missing the. Also, should be ON the seat.

This …

cocks it back and puts in under his shirt.


*Do well-trained cops do that? Isn’t there a danger the weapon will discharge?

This …

cautiously and carefully


*Redundant, and try to avoid the LY words. A few okay, but this is a string of 3.

Page 3

O.S.
Lose him. Either way, they’re after
you, not me.

*So, is this the same O.S. as earlier??


Cont ...

alex whitmer
05-13-2008, 11:59 AM
cont ...

Page 4

Buster takes an alternate route than originally planned.

*And how is that info conveyed?

This …

Kenson picks up on his movement.

*Whose movement? His own or Buster’s. Or do you mean pace? Very unclear.

This …

… and remembers he left his radio in the car.

*Find a way to show it, not tell it.

This …

EXT. DAY – ALLEY

Buster races down a back alley.

*Redundant.

This ..

tosses his bag in it.

*Should be ‘into’ it.

This …

lead pipe leaned against
the wall.

Leaning or leans, not leaned. Pref leans.

*Too convenient by the way. Make him work for it. It's like some Angel of Mercy just put it there.

*Split dialogue over 5 and 6.

Page 6

Kenson’s patience quickly gets bored.

*I don’t think that’s possible. How about ‘wears thin’?

*Massive chunk of action text. Break it up.

And this …

immediately gets discarded by Buster’s pipe.

*Maybe dispatched, or thumped. Discarded is a whole ‘nuther thing.

This …

O.S.
Boys!!! Dinner time!

*Another O.S. ?

This …

Two young boys now lay where Kenson and Buster just fought.

*Great. Completely unexpected. I’d reword that however.

Page 7

They both walk toward the end of the
Street.

*I thought they were in an alley?

*********

I love the idea, though not 100% orig. The ending made the whole script really worth it!

Story-wise I thinks it’s fine. Technique-wise it needs a rewrite.

a

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)

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Captain Pierce
05-14-2008, 01:41 PM
Nice concept, and--as Michael mentioned--some of the nitpicking I was going to do, like the use of "Delta 6" and "Bravo 5" as "codenames" seeming more military than police--is pretty much rendered moot by the ending.

As Alex mentioned, though, the use of only "O.S." as a character name for anybody delivering O.S. dialogue is a definite issue; you might also want to specify that Delta 6 and Bravo 5 (or Radio Voice #1 and #2, however you want to ID them) are on the radio rather than just being "O.S."

And yeah, lots of typos in there, which I imagine more time to proof would have helped with.

But definitely a neat idea. :)