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Nektonic
05-01-2008, 10:27 PM
C U R R E N C Y

A morning commuter decides to chase what looks like easy money.

http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfest/Currency-nektonic.pdf

5 pages. No dialogue. Usually I am a very long-winded writer. This time I went with a more sparse writing style. I hope you all enjoy it. I'm looking forward to reading everyone else's work.

Russell Moore
05-01-2008, 10:29 PM
No dialogue? I'm hooked.

Nektonic
05-01-2008, 11:01 PM
Thanks conlanforever. Let me know it it lives up to your expectations. Are you competing in the fest? I didn't see a thread for yours.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-02-2008, 06:25 AM
Interesting.
Sounds promising. Good luck.

Mike

Russell Moore
05-02-2008, 07:30 AM
I am, but it looks like you found the answer to your own question. Thank you for the comment. I'm looking forward to reading this.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-02-2008, 05:28 PM
NICE! Once again... I'm an early review so I won't spoil it. Let me just say that I was anticipating a different ending.

Nice work.

Mike

Russell Moore
05-05-2008, 11:27 AM
I'm fine with the writing, the action and how the story progressed. I didn't miss dialogue at all.

But I wanted to care more about this guy. For example, show me he's married and has kids. Or something as simple as, he spends his last quarter on the paper and he looks in it, at stocks? looks at the sports odds, a gambler? at the classifieds, out of work? Then show him distraught at what he does or doesn't see in the paper.
I just wanted to know a little more about the guy, so I had more of a personal investment in him. I think I would have been even more anxious during the chase for the money.

I liked the chase itself and I liked the ending, it really worked for me.
It was a good read for me.

Nektonic
05-07-2008, 06:33 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys.

Michael -- I am glad to see that you anticipated a different ending. One of my worries was that the ending is too predictable. Originally I tried building up to the incident at the end. At the last minute I took it out. I like it better as the shocking moment it now is. Hopefully others will have a similar experience to yours.

conlanforever -- thanks for the suggestions and character ideas. Originally, I did contemplate something along the lines of showing the man reading stocks or showing him getting up and preparing for work alongside his wife. The more I thought about it though, the less it worked for me. Not to say that your idea is wrong, because narratively it would work. It just didn't work for my particular vision. I like the idea of him being a gambler though. It seems a more believable motivation as opposed to a guy getting all bent outta shape over his stocks.

I like the idea of playing with the audience's perception in that they don't know this man's motivation. He's just an average guy in a suit that I intended the audience to graft themselves onto rather than watch from a third person perspective. My theory was that instead of it being this guy, it could be anyone. Let's face it, most people would at least go to some of the same effort as this guy, just not all the way. I've actually done something similar, although I caught the money right away and it wasn't in the middle of a busy city during morning rush hour.

I like the idea of him being a gambler though. It seems a more believable motivation as opposed to a guy getting all bent outta shape over his stocks. I think you made some good points though, and I'm going to keep them in mind as options when I revise this script. I want to keep it without dialogue, so my challenge would be to integrate any character development into the story only using visuals.

Thanks again. I'm glad you both thought it was a good read.

krestofre
05-09-2008, 01:03 PM
Very nice take on the pursuit theme. I liked that a lot.

You spoke to this somewhat on your previous post, but my take is that the story would go farther if your character wasn't in a suit. I know, it's just a simple costume change, but you set up this character as a slick operator. Suit, briefcase, coffee. This stikes me as the kind of guy who wouldn't waste his time to pick up a stationary $100 bill, let alone one that's taking him across the city. He strikes me as the kind of guy who would probably lose money by spending this much time chasing $100. If he was dressed differently then I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

The other comment I have is that the ending a dark and surprising. No problems there, but the rest of the script feels light hearted to me. Almost slapstick in the way that the money is always one step ahead of your character. With that tone, when what happens to him happens I was a little shocked. Which might have been your intention, and if so, congratulations. But I thought I'd mention it.

Captain Pierce
05-10-2008, 08:23 PM
The thing about the character wearing a suit is... there's a lot of people out there who have a dress code that's beyond their actual job (and income). Based on my personal history with being over-dressed for my postion, I guess I just kind of assumed that (despite wearing a suit) the main character was in that same kind of situation.

The other thing I feel compelled to comment on is about the ending. It's never exactly spelled out that the silver car has run over the guy chasing the Benjamin, but it's certainly implied, so... about a year ago, I had a slight difference of opinion with a deer. The deer thought that crossing the Interstate right in front of me would be a great idea; I disagreed. I believe that your average deer weighs less than your average person, so I'm just wondering if maybe the silver car wouldn't exactly be in good enough shape to drive away as if nothing had happened after its encounter.

I think you did a great job of writing this without dialogue, though, and overall it's a good read.

mjjason
05-13-2008, 10:02 AM
Really good script. Didn't miss the dialog at all. I actually was in a similar situation when I lived in Manahattan. I saw a 20 on the floor right by Madison Square Garden and despite dozens of people walking by no-one bothered to stop. I stopped to pick it up and actually got bumped to the ground. Still was worth it though.

I enjoyed the story and liked your ending overall. I was imagining some other 'comical' ending and was glad you didn't go that route. Though there are a few areas I think you can improve on to make it that much better.

One thing I would suggest would be to work on getting the audience more connected to the main character. I liked the story and the pursuit but I really had no connection to the main character. I think something as simple as giving him a name would do it. Or simply changing his clothes to make him look less well off.

The other thing that I quite didn't get is why would the guy in the silver car just drive off. I know people do that but in this case he did nothing wrong. At least not from what I could see. I just didn't get that part. I quite liked the ending overall but just that one point.

The last thing I would suggest is to clarify some parts of your script. Specifically when the guy gets hit by the car. It was clear on first pass. Also, some of the writing was a bit too poetic, for lack of a better word.

Good scipt overall.