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View Full Version : Thalia by Layi Babalola



mentatDUKE
05-01-2008, 09:19 PM
Logline: She's just a girl...

mentatDUKE
05-04-2008, 04:39 PM
Script Teaser:


YOUNG MAN: Itís too much like ďI Dream of JeanieĒ. Instead of a genie, I have a female robot from the future. How is that funny?
YOUNG WOMAN: Itís not.
YOUNG MAN: Wow. Thanks.
YOUNG WOMAN: Oh stop it. What is funny is the part where the robot and her husband adopt three black kids from Harlem.
YOUNG MAN: What? Thatís the worst part.
YOUNG WOMAN: No. Trust me. White people adopting black kids from Harlem is hilarious.

STYLZ
05-06-2008, 12:05 AM
OK. I flew through this, easy read. Very believable characters. You definitely have a knack for writing believable dialog. This really didn't seem like a self contained short as much as a scene from a much bigger piece though. At any rate I found myself entertained by these characters interaction. I think one of the hardest parts of writing scripts is writing believable dialog so good on ya.

mentatDUKE
05-06-2008, 03:25 PM
Thanks for the feedback STYLZ. Appreciate the compliments also. It means a lot. As far as the story seeming like a scene from a bigger film: I've thought about this sentiment, but can't figure out why you think this to be the case. I feel all the necessary information about the characters is provided. Via flashbacks. Via dialog, etc. What do you feel is missing. What left you wanting? If this were a bigger film, what else could happen? I honestly don't feel the story really has anywhere else to go really.

Thanks again for the feedback.

jasonthewho
05-07-2008, 06:23 AM
One of my favorites so far. Do you read Neil Gaiman's The Sandman? He has a modern day muse story as well, with Calliope.

My only criticism is that I think you need to come up with some way to telegraph to the audience that the second scene is 25 years earlier. Especially since Thalia is the same age, the audience might think it's just later that night. Unless you don't want the audience to know until the third scene.

mentatDUKE
05-07-2008, 10:53 AM
Thanks for the feedback, Jason. I have indeed read Gaiman's "Sandman". His story with the muse is my favorite of the series and definitely influenced this one. In fact, one of my characters actually mentions "Calliope".

As far as telegraphing 25 years earlier, I feel that is done by way of visual cues and the dialog: "Threes Company", old TV, the way the characters are dressed, her referencing shows like "Diff'rent Strokes" and "Webster", etc. Also, once the audience realizes that the young man is actually young Julian, it'll all make sense.

Thanks again for reading.

Russell Moore
05-08-2008, 07:11 AM
I really enjoyed reading this and I thought you made the characters believable.
I liked the dialogue between them and I could feel Julian's pain, especially when the three of them have their awkward conversation.

Solid writing and it was a real moving piece for me.

mentatDUKE
05-08-2008, 06:57 PM
Thanks for the feedback conlan. I'm glad the piece connected with you. Thanks again.

Captain Pierce
05-12-2008, 04:57 PM
Ya know, any time I see a story about a muse, in settings as diverse as "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" to "Deep Space 9," I have to wonder--does anybody but frustrated writers even know what the heck a muse is anymore? :)

I think the flashbacks could use more period details, just to help sell it to the reader a little; and I also think Thalia needs an alias in the flashbacks, particularly the first one, so it comes as more of a shock when Julian calls her by her real name.

Other than that, I think it works well.

mentatDUKE
05-12-2008, 05:34 PM
Hi Pierce. Thanks for the feedback. I think you may have missed Thalia's alias in the 1st flashback. Julian actually calls her "Tina". Also, regarding period details: he's watching "Three's Company", but I get your point. The way the actors look will need to be emphasized in order to sell the period. Clothing, hair, etc.

Thanks again for reading.

Captain Pierce
05-12-2008, 05:44 PM
Oops, my bad. :)

In these days of endless reruns (and especially considering that Thalia and her new "love" watch reruns of Justin's old show), I don't think just having an old TV show is quite enough to sell the period. Honestly, just having the timeframe in the scene heading is probably enough to get the crew going in the right direction, so I'm probably nitpicking about nothing, I just personally might have mentioned it another time or two in the descriptions. (And then again, if you had, somebody else might criticize it as redundant, so this is one where you probably can't win. :) )

You know, I just had a crazy idea that I totally don't expect you to use, but... given how much Hollywood is cannibalizing itself, I would have found it totally hilarious if her new guy had just signed his first movie deal, to star in the movie remake of Justin's old TV show. But that's probably just me...

mjjason
05-13-2008, 01:17 PM
Great script. This is in my top ten which I will later pick my top 3. I really liked the characters and the dialog between them. You could feel the tense atmosphere between Julina, Thalia, and Kyle. Julian's pain was very vivid through your writing.

As for the flashback scene, it can definetly be pulled off through set design and custom. Just show a old tv and clunker remote from the 80's and your set. Though when I read the script I had to re-read to find out that Tina and Thalia were one and the same. For some reason I read her age in the first scene as 40 instead of 20 so when Julian said she was immortal I had to double check.

Really good script and well written.

krestofre
05-13-2008, 02:52 PM
Brilliant! Really terrific.

Two comments:

One. You tip your hand too much (entirely) on page 5 when Thalia says "What are you gonna say? Your girlfriend is a three thousand year old Greek muse?" We get it and this line is just too on the nose.

Two. I'd end the script with Julian's last line. "A girl." Fade Out. To me that would be a more powerful ending than having Thalia come back.

mentatDUKE
05-13-2008, 04:54 PM
Thanks for the great feedback guys. Pierce, maybe you're right. I may end up putting the actual year on a title card. It's def something to try in post. If it seems to redundant, I can lose it, but thanks for the tip.

Jason, top 10? You're very kind. Clunker remote from the 80s? Yes indeed. I wonder if I can still find one somewhere....

krestofre, thank you. When I wrote Thalia's greek muse line, I definitely thought it may be too on the nose, but decided to leave it in. I think this may be a situation where the choir knows the sermon, but what about the secular folks? I don't think everyone even knows what a muse is. I feel the actress's line delivery should be able to let me get away with her spelling it out so boldly. I'll have her amp up the snark.
As far as the tip on the last line, I think you're absolutely right. Consider it gone. Great insight!

Thanks again for the feedback, all.

krestofre
05-13-2008, 06:31 PM
When I wrote Thalia's greek muse line, I definitely thought it may be too on the nose, but decided to leave it in. I think this may be a situation where the choir knows the sermon, but what about the secular folks? I don't think everyone even knows what a muse is.

Eh, forget those people. :)

Seriously though, I think there is a point where you're going to alienate someone, either the people that are with you and are like "Yeah, duh." at that line, or the people who are like "she's a what?" Of course one of the criticisms I get with just about everything I write is that I expect too much of the audience, but I've always gravitated towards films that expect a lot out of me as a viewer, so maybe you don't want to listen to my advice on this one. :)

Again though, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this script. It's one of those things where it just connected with me and I probably couldn't even put it into words why I liked it so much, but when I finished reading it I was like leaping out of my chair and cheering. :2vrolijk_08:

This post has way too many smileys.

mentatDUKE
05-15-2008, 10:46 AM
Yeah I see what you mean. Definitely something to consider. Thanks again for the kind words.