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STYLZ
04-29-2008, 08:47 PM
Synopsis:

Tormented by not being able to remember the day his fiancee was murdered and he was rendered unconscious with no memory of the incident, Karl creates a device to give him the answers he so desperately needs. Is he ready for the truth?


Once this kicks off all critiques are welcome. This is my third short script.

mentatDUKE
05-03-2008, 02:19 PM
Stylz. This was very enjoyable. Sure we've seen stories like this before (and yes, it's always the best friend), but your style, structure, and setting helped keep it fresh. It felt very much like an Outer Limits episode. My only beef was with the misdirection. Yes, I know you wanted the audience to think it was Nick, then think it was actually Karl. But my problem with this is the fact that you had Nick interrupt Karl's mind session twice in the same manner. I feel you can only really get away with that once. Karl already suspects Nick, so the stakes have already been raised. It doesn't ring true to have Karl be so sloppy twice (Nick wanders into his house and bathroom). I do like the fact that the climax happens in the house though. The problem would now be how to setup the misdirection/interruption the first time. Other than that, I think everything else mostly worked. I do feel the company name, Neurologic Technologies is too on the nose though.

Your story structure was pretty good. I like how you allowed the audience to pice together the plot as Karl was piecing together the memory. Nice touch.

One last question: What does the company Nick and Karl work for do and why was Karl able to use raw materials from the company to create such a ground breaking side-project? It seemed a bit too convenient, but maybe not. Just a nitpick.

Enjoyable script. Good job on this.

STYLZ
05-03-2008, 06:51 PM
Hmmmm. Nick didn't know what Karl had seen during his sessions. So how did he mess up? Entering the house? Maybe I didn't establish well enough that they are that type of friends that can just show up to hang out with out asking/calling. Yeah the company name is too on the nose, and yes it is convienent that Karl works there. Wouldn't make sense to me if say a garbage man orrr say..wall street broker had the knowledge to create a device like that. What type of job would you suggest Karl have? Hey great feedback though. Thank you sir for taking the time to read and comment. I will read yours this weekend.

Oh and the company makes technological/medical devices. Nothing specific, whatever the reader wants to imagine.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-05-2008, 04:54 PM
Nice! Even though I figured Nick was involved I still enjoyed this quite a bit.
I especially liked the ending. I'm glad it wasn't a recorder setup.

I could also visualize this extremely well while taking it in. I would love to do a short like this! Definitely my cup of tea and one of my favourites so far.

Great job.

Mike

Russell Moore
05-05-2008, 05:24 PM
I liked this story. I got through it quick, which is a good thing. I thought it was paced well.

A couple of minor typos, in your description of Karl, I think you wanted an average(its written "a average") Noone is used twice and it should be two words, no one. You have "As Karl regains conscious" I think you meant consciousness.
Why wouldn't Karl have run directly for the nine millimeter in the first place? If you don't want him to get it right away, maybe some form of obstacle to prevent it. Then when he gets it, he keeps it behind his back at first, there doesn't seem to be a reason why he wouldn't just point it at Nick immediately.

You did a good job building the suspense as to what happened to him in the past and it really held my interest to see how it would unfold.
I liked how how you developed the story. I liked the ending, I thought it was a good move to go to the exterior of the house for the final gunshots.

Overall, I found this script a very entertaining read.

aegriffin
05-05-2008, 05:44 PM
Nice read. I found it well paced and very visual. I enjoyed how you didn't get hung up on the sci-fi lingo and kept it accessible for the lay person. Nothing worse than overly clever techno-jargon getting in the way of a basic love triangle.

I would suggest if you had more space to develop the Amy character then that would be the next step to consider. Nick's motives are just too damn creepy without her more focused in the story and for both of the male characters to revolve around her. Or that could be my desire to want a more complex reason for Nick's actions in a somewhat complex world.

I also agree with Conlanforever in that if Karl had access to that gun, and considering how it ends, he'd have gotten to it and used it sooner I feel.

Nice work! Thanks for posting it!

Detached
05-05-2008, 06:34 PM
Wow, very good and intense. I loved the memory helmet mixed with drug induced seratonin elevators, or whatever you wanna call them. Very clever.

Your writing styel is easy to follow and clean. It only got a little busy with some extra Fade ins/Fade outs in the middle that were a little confusing. But I think it worked because it was not an easy piece to write.

Awesome. Good luck!

LouiseG
05-05-2008, 10:35 PM
I totally agree with mentatDUKE: this could have been an Outer Limits episode.
The script had good formatting. It read fast and I never got confused with your time and location shifts.
If we're going to be picky about spelling/grammar, then you have some you're/your confusion on pages 6 and 10. But we're not.
The only problem I can see in the stuff of the script is that you focus more on Karl than on the love triangle. By doing that, we do get more attached to Karl, but Nick becomes a creepy, perverted villain with bizarre motivation. He tells Karl that Amy's a whore and gives the impression that he (Karl) is better off without her, but is apparrently so in love with Amy that nobody else can have her. Showing us more of the dynamic between Amy and Nick would let me know if Amy really was sleeping around and/or in love with Nick, or if Nick's delusional.
I liked the script overall. I think the sci-fi added to the love triangle did it for me. Best of luck to you.

STYLZ
05-07-2008, 12:02 PM
So yeah..Thanks for the feedback all. I see what you mean with the gun, I can remedy that real easy. And yes with the developing Amy, and her relationship with Nick. Didn't have enough room. Definitely in 15 pages though. LOL at the conscious, one of those were I stopped and said "is that right?" didn't compute at the time. Still doesn't. Thanks for reading guys.

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 04:44 PM
I didn't have a problem with Nick's interruptions; particularly since the second comes as we already know what the score is with him anyway. The thing I'd suggest is, in a longer piece with more flashbacks, have most of those added flashbacks between Nick's interruptions so that they don't happen right on top of each other.

Other than that, pretty much everything I'd say has already been said. :) I'll specifically add my praise at your light hand with the technobabble.

mjjason
05-10-2008, 09:05 AM
I enjoyed the story. Kind of reminded me of a sci-fi short story called 'Kansas' (I forget the author). The first 2/3rds of the script were great and the story made me want to keep reading. What didn't work for me was the ending. I felt you had such a great build-up especially with the memory device that the ending was to standard. You know, the chase around the house, the fight, the exposition. I wanted something more out-there or original to match the earlier part of the script. Other than the ending the rest was great.

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 01:26 PM
I think you have a really basic, really simple idea in this script. It is a good story. What I want you to do is go through and add your style, your energy, your own skewed sense of environment for this story. For example, the workplace. What is it? What does it look like? What exactly do Karl and Nick do? Is it this big company warehouse building ala The Island? Or is it grungy? I feel like this is the kind of script where you can use more descriptions. I love this kinf of helmet thing he is wearing and I think you can go weirder. i think Karl can be losing his mind. I think the other workers should be talking about him a little more than you show. Has he become an outsider now? Things to consider.

I like that Nick seems concerned with Karl and his appearance. i think you could play this up more. Nick is the bad guy, so let him either come off as really helpful or a little distant. Think about how you can throw the audience with his actions. Nick should be worried that Karl is going to finish this device and he should show it. It's as easy as trying to convince Karl to go out with him to a party or something.

Also the final flashback sequence appeared a little confusing to me. I don't know if there were too many scene headings or what, it just read a little funny.

I don't really understand who Amy is and the motivation for her death. I think in order for us to buy this more she should be someone's wife. Maybe not even a cheating wife. I don't know, it's your story, but we need a little more.

Also I have some trouble with the gun at the end as well. Think about a way to clear it up. The misdirection of the voice recorder seems a little too hammy as well. Just focus on tightening up that ending. You have created a unique world, keep your ending in that same world.

Otherwise, pretty enjoyable. I hope you continue to tweak this.

STYLZ
05-10-2008, 08:20 PM
Hey Smashed thanks for the detailed review. I appreciate the time and effort. All your suggestions add up to about a 25 page short script. They would definitely work and improve the script, but I don't see it happening in 10 pages lol. But....you have inspired me to possibly do the ending I wanted to do, which is a little more violent and.... shall we say European. And for all the comments about the two memory sessions back to back, here is what I failed at conveying.

First interruption Karl see's Nick at the scene but doesn't have 100% proof. What he saw could be explained away. Which nick does. So he questions the situation, decides to get the proof he needs(second session that night) Nick sticks around because he knows Karl is on to something and wants to know right away, who wouldn't. When Karl goes into bathroom second time Nick knows he's gonna put the helmet on again and find out the truth. So he waits. Finally deciding to kick the door down because the gig is up. Would make perfect sense visually I'm sure.

Anyways thanks everyone.

GGF NYC
05-12-2008, 09:08 PM
A very different kind of story, well shaped. You get to really know this character Karl. I like your writing and really have no comment with anything more than what everyone has already stated. Well done.

seansshack
05-13-2008, 07:04 AM
Couple of formatting and structure issues in places ( - parenthetical on page 2: (lowered voice)). Paragraphs such as page 3 could do with being shortened (or broken up).

Some of the dialogue seemed on the nose. page 7 "...You were on the floor babbling incoherently." Guess it depends on their education etc - but in this case would someone be so robotic in describing someone in this manner?

I would tighten the ending(slightly).

Who you kidding? Your not a
killer.

Change to: Nick smiling:
Please. You're no killer.


End of me picking faults (as only minor things anyway). Interesting story and I enjoyed it. Strong solid ending and set-up.

Best of luck with it.

krestofre
05-13-2008, 08:33 AM
This is a good story, with good devices.

For my money I had trouble buying the motivation for these characters. The solution to this is simply to write a longer screenplay. The events that you have here are way beyond 10 pages. If you kept the characters, plot, pacing, etc. but just gave me more of it then this would be a top-notch script. I need more about the relationship with Karl and Amy before I can really care about Karl trying to solve her murder. I need more about the relationship between Nick and Karl to buy Nick's faux caring attitude. And I need more about Nick and Amy to buy Nick's actions. You said before that you couldn't do all of that in a 10 page script and you're absolutely right. This story is just begging to be told in a longer format and I hope you flesh it out more. It's a solid concept.