PDA

View Full Version : The Last Great Mystery



GGF NYC
04-25-2008, 08:23 PM
Logline: On the hunt for a brutal killer, two detectives find that what they have just started chasing is only the beginning of the last great mystery.

This is my first screenplay I ever wrote. I was never able to finish anything before due to just lack of time with my job. I welcome any and all comments as it would help me become a stronger writer. Hope everyone enjoys it when the time comes.

krestofre
04-25-2008, 08:50 PM
Good logline. Perhaps the most compelling of the entrants that I've read so far.

GGF NYC
05-02-2008, 12:04 PM
Thanks for the reply Kres. Can't wait till this starts. I was at work today and said to myself "Oh shit! It's the 2nd." Hopefully they'll be up soon so we can get the reading, they're working hard on the fest so i know they need some time.

STYLZ
05-05-2008, 01:20 PM
OK. Nice premise. My type of story.

"Jimmy grabs the handle to
the door but it is locked. He continues to try to pull the
door open and then realizes itís locked. He unlocks the door
and quickly draws his weapon (a glock .45)."

This part is all sorts of confusing. Why is the reader being told the door is locked by jimmy pulling on it, but he still doesn't realize its locked? Just cut out the first part. It's redundant.

"but its so dark we canít make his face out). Jimmy yells at his
target.

JIMMY
Freeze! Put your hands up slowly!"


You don't need to tell us Jimmy is yelling in the action line. Put it in parentheses under his name.

JIMMY
(yelling)
Freeze! Put your hands up slowly!

Like that.

"The man continuing to stare doesnít turn his head, he just
continues to stare into this space and speaks softly."

Once again redundant.

Aside from a few redundancies, a few funny spelling/grammar mistakes "set up a parameter" lol, this was a great entertaining little short script. I would have the kill rate a little higher than 6 though. 6 is not good enough for wrath. Maybe 20 something kills. I would love to see this when it's made. Good job on this. Thanks for sharing.

GGF NYC
05-05-2008, 06:28 PM
I am so happy someone finally commented on my short. I was starting to wonder if anyone even read it lol. Thank you so much for correcting the mistakes I made, it's highly appreciated that you did this to help me for future writing. I'm happy you enjoyed it and would love to see it made. That's enough to have made my day! I hope more comments come in asap. Good or bad they're all welcome. Once again thank you for reviewing my short script.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-05-2008, 08:52 PM
Pretty good. It really came off like a Se7en rip-off in the early going for me. Played out a lot like the scene in the police car with the three of them at the end.

I don't think it was intentional though. What I did really like was the ending and the mirror reveal. That could be a good moment. Although I find it very hard to believe that neither of them noticed earlier. Those mirrors are huge.

And yes, for the world to take notice this would have to take place on video. Maybe even in Court. Live on CourtTV in front of millions of viewers.

I'm rambling though. Bottom line, I did like it quite a bit. I'm only nitpicking.

Cheers,

Mike

mjjason
05-06-2008, 12:43 PM
I enjoyed the read though I did see a bit of Se7en in it. The flash back section is a tough read. Its a whole page of scene and action description. That needs to be broken up a little. Most people struggle with a paragraph longer than 6 sentences.

Also, personally, I like short stories to have some sort of resolution. I am not sure if we had that here. What was the guy? Was he the devil, or something else? There was a lot of questions that need to be answered which would be better handled in a feature.

Lastly, some of the dialiog was not as fluent as it could be. Especially the interrogation scene. The cops questions and playing along just didn't feel right. They played to easily into the killers hand's. It felt more like the writer trying to use the scene to explain the story as opposed to an actual police interrogation.

Overall I like the concept though it needs some additional work to make it better.

Captain Pierce
05-06-2008, 06:39 PM
You know, reading this, early on I had the odd feeling that it could be a "prequel" to my script. It went in a different direction eventually, but I guess I just was surprised to see somebody else going with a "serial killer" script.

Now, I'm by no means an expert on script formatting and protocol, but I think there's a few things that could use improvement in that regard. For example, I would title your first "scene" as something like "MONTAGE OF NEWS REPORTS." Then, I'd find a better way to indicate the title (and maybe someone who is an expert could explain a good way to do that--Alex, I'm looking in your direction :) ); and then I'd keep Scene 2 black only through the first V.O. line, then fade into the 911 call center. Otherwise that's a long black screen. My other formatting quibble is that incredibly long block of text that is scene 6. I think you should try breaking that up into more of a montage thing again, or what I've seen in some scripts described as "A SERIES OF FAST CUTS," and break it up a little.

As mjjason pointed out, some of your dialogue really doesn't sound like something people would say. The first example I noticed was in scene 3:


OFFICER
We literally got here no more than 2 minutes ago sir.

Just doesn't sound to me like something anybody would really say. I'd go with something more like "Um, we've only been here two minutes ourselves, sir" and even that's not honestly all that real. :)

There's also the use of "parameter" when it seems you meant "perimeter," but these sorts of things happen.

In what seems to be Scene 5 but isn't numbered that way, Jimmy fires a shot at the killer, but misses. It doesn't seem like he's that far away, and the killer isn't moving, so why does he miss? Is it meant intentionally as a warning shot? If so, I'd specify that.

I don't necessarily have a problem with Jimmy and Eddie not seeing that the killer doesn't have a reflection, because that mirror's behind them and they're going to be concentrating on him, not his reflection.

I think my biggest criticism is, if the devil (as I assume the killer is supposed to be) really did want to prove his existence, is this really the way to do it? First, as has been mentioned, six kills is no big deal (unless they happen all in one night or something); second, given the current state of the film industry, with "torture porn" like "Hostel" and "Saw" making huge box office, how the hell (pun intended) is even the devil going to compete with that kind of evil? :D You've either got to ratchet up the on-screen violence to NC17 levels, or just allude to it offscreen. (And I'll admit that I didn't read Scene 6 really closely, cause I'm a big wuss when it comes to horror movies :), so maybe you did that. I'm just gonna hope you didn't. :) )

You've got a nice kind of "Seventh Seal" ambience going here that I like; if you're going full-on horror with it, you can probably ignore everything I said, but if you're trying to walk that thin line between horror and suspense, maybe I've given you something you can work with. Good luck either way.

GGF NYC
05-06-2008, 08:39 PM
Hey guys. Thanks for all the replies coming in, this is great to read and helps alot.

I agree with the kill count 100% while writing it I had trouble leaving it at only 6. The intention was originally to have shown each woman being killed off (either by pictures 1 by 1 or like the flash back scene) so when I filmed it myself (When/If I do) it wouldn't cost alot to do but with the little time I had I scrapped the idea of showing them being killed and winded up leaving it at 6. That is one of the first things I will change.

I apologize for any grammar or punctuation mistakes as well. It was written then looked over only once so next time I'll go over it 1 or 2 more times more.

The cops don't notice his reflection because they've never turned to look at it behind them until the end. Maybe it is a little exaggerated and I'll see what I can do to change it if possible.

MJJASON - as far as knowing what he is...well thats the whole thing. No one is supposed to know what he really is. Can he be the Antichrist, the Devil himself, a descendant from hell, an angel with a vengeance or even god himself. He is what you make him to be, he can even be an Alien or Chuck Norris lol.

Captain price - He does get a little nasty in scene 6 ripping her apart with his bare hands. The shot which misses should have been explained better I just didn't have enough space to explain an action for it. It should have been either a warning shot or i was also going to go the route of him shooting the man and a bullet wound heal quickly but too quick that even Jimmy didn't see.

All your comment like I've stated before are extremely helpful so far. I see where I lack in experience and intend to build on things. So far I'm very pleased with the fest. Thank you guys once again and keep em coming. Im getting around to read some more scripts tonight and comment on them before its over with.

Detached
05-06-2008, 09:43 PM
This is an excellent read. A really good story. A few things I notice:

You have some Cut To that could be taken out.

The part when the man is on the phone is GREAT!!! That was done so well.

You don't cap the guys names when they first come on, so need to look at that.

One typo " You're going AWAY for..." Away is spelled wrong.

I thought this story was really good, I also thought the dialogue could be tightened up a bit. A little wordy.

If I duplicated what others have said, sorry. Not reading comments, just giving them.

I like your writing style.

Good job and good luck.

Russell Moore
05-06-2008, 11:17 PM
I like the vibe of this script. Some good horror elements going on.

I don't have anything new to add as far as critique I think the guys before me got it. But definitely break up scene 6, tighten it up and throw in a lot more white space. But I liked a lot of the content, I'm always up for a little gratuitous gore.

I liked the opening with the 911 phone call and I'm fine with his actual origin being a mystery. I liked a lot of things about this script. Good job.

krestofre
05-09-2008, 02:02 PM
If I were watching this as a film I'd be a little turned off by the graphic murder scene. I know that you're going for impact, and there are some people who wouldn't think twice about it, I just thought I'd mention it.

The only thing I'd add to the script, is when the cops arrive on the scene at the begining, have some investigation happen. As it is we go from setup into chase a little too quickly. I think if they examined the area, bagged some evidence, and then he noticed the figure in the woods, it would help with the overall feel of the script.

GGF NYC
05-09-2008, 08:26 PM
I will def. take that idea into consideration. Yes the impact it has was meant for that reason exactly. It's good you pointed out you would be disgusted and turned off, that means it works I'd think lol. It's to show the vile thing this man was. Thanks for taking the time out to read my screenplay and leave your feedback it's greatly appreciated.

GGF NYC
05-11-2008, 10:31 PM
I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time out to read my short screenplay and leave some feedback. Unfortunately My job has had me working so many hour that I haven't had alot of extra time to finish reading all the screenplays that were put out but I just wanted to take some time out before the fest finished up and tell everyone congrats and good luck with whatever you're doing.

cheers.

Can't wait for Scriptfest 2.