PDA

View Full Version : My Love - A Script by Nick Lane



ConspiracyPenguin
04-23-2008, 10:25 PM
With TimeFest in the back of my mind all I can think about is the passage of seconds. My mind drowns in thoughts of twirling hours swindling away like a limp line of thread. Then, like a bolt of lightning in the West, my attention is drawn to the broader scene. Centries, decades, years, months, weeks. One week. One week until the ScriptFest entries must all be collected in what Larry would call the "Proverbial Mod's Only Pool."

I had started my script about a week ago, based on an idea which assaulted my mind on night. Tired, blury-eyed and alone I punched vigrously and efficiently onto my grey HP brand keyboard. Now, realizing that the night is almost over, dawn on its way, I must finish the script before it is too late. I retire to my computer, without the aide of corrective lenses, and punch out the rest of my script. But is it good enough? Only you can decide...

ConspiracyPenguin
04-23-2008, 10:26 PM
"My Love"

A Script by Nick Lane

Logline: Sometimes there is more to the story.

---

- I finished the script, although I am not sure if it is good enough. The style is much different than anything I have ever written, very little dialogue and a lot of mysterious question-conjuring scenes. I like it in that it leaves you guessing right up until the end, but I am not sure if it is too "book-like." Further, I may have let my inner Director have too much control during the writting process. I am just trying to point out a few flaws I think may exist, but if I don't come up with a better idea, I will submit this one and await your feedback.

seunosewa
05-02-2008, 01:22 PM
Logline: Sometimes there is more to the story.
That is an anti-logline (if there's any such thing)

ConspiracyPenguin
05-02-2008, 09:27 PM
That is an anti-logline (if there's any such thing)

Haha. As with many writers, loglines can be the hardest part. I tried my best.

Feedback on the script would be appreciated!

alex whitmer
05-03-2008, 08:43 PM
Script Critique – My Love

Page 1

We are in a public restroom. The floor is being suffocated
by years of poor cleaning and there is graffiti on the tile
walls placed by needy teenagers with nothing better to do.

*Your opening action sentence repeats what was already mentioned in the slug.

*Real heavy on ‘novel poetics’.

*The audience has no idea the graffiti was placed by needy teens with nothing better to do.

*This kind of over-indulgence in details really slows down a read, and makes it harder for actors and crew to find their specific instructions. It’s good stuff, but save it for your novel.

Then this …

We pan up to see a mirror which reflects the room, not only
physically, but figuratively in the fact that it too is
dirty and molested by graffiti.

* Camera direction! As a reader I am only interested in story. This kind of inclusions put me to work as a camera operator. Leave this stuff out.

* Huge over-kill on the details. Molested by graffiti? Again, this belongs in a novel, not a script.

The second part of that action block …

In the mirror we can see the inside of the bathroom door which is now bursting open.

*Except on occasion when it just works best, do not use ING form verbs. Keep everything in simple present to avoid tense confusion.

Next action block …

LYLE, a young man of somewhere between 20 and 35 (old enough
to know better, but too young to think much about it) He
wears a white tank-top undershirt and ripped, faded blue
jeans which appear to have seen better days. His face is
dirty and scruffy and his eyes are being dragged down by
menacing black bags and splattered bloodshot.

*This is really fat for an action block. Three lines is optimum, four if you have to, five if you’re desperate. This is six.

*Also, that age thing and its following parenthetical are just ridiculous. Sorry.

*More over-the-top details with his face. Also, a little confusion here … Might want to reverse the splattered bloodshot and menacing bags. This reads like his eyes are being dragged down by splattered bloodshot, which does not make sense.

Followed by this …

We turn around to face the strange, dirty man.

*I assume we is the audience???

*More on-page direction. Also, is the ‘strange, dirty man’ the same person as Lyle? If so, use his name. You’ve already told us, in too many words, that he is dirty.

This …

He carries under one arm some assorted clothing which we can logically assume he had been wearing previously this day.

*Sorry Nick, but this does not belong in a script. We, the audience, will not have the script to read as the film plays out. ‘’We’’ can’t logically assume this. The clothes could be something he found in a dumpster, or maybe he’s on the way to a Goodwill donation box? Or maybe he just likes carrying clothes around. Security blanket issues.

This …

We pan down to notice a few drops of blood escape the clothing and fall innocently to the floor. LYLE looks down and sees this mess.

*More camera direction!

*More novelistic detailing. Can blood fall innocently? How did it escape? Also, a ‘few drops of blood’ is hardly a mess.

*You do not need to CAP Lyle’s name every time. The intro is enough.

This …

LYLE uses his shoe to wipe up the blood and then turns to
the nearby trashcan. Again using his foot, he puts pressure
on the lever which opens the lid and he drops the clothes
inside, continuing on toward the battered sink.

*You really need to embrace brevity. Way to many words. Try something like …

LYLE wipes the blood with his shoe, then drops the clothes
Into a trashcan. He moves to a sink.

*19 words instead of 42 to say the same thing. Who cares if it’s one of those cans with a foot lever? Is it essential information? Also, you’ve already told us the place is a dump, so no need to mention the condition of the sink UNLESS that particular sink has some relevance, and its condition is vital to the story.

This …

LYLE (cont’d)

*I don’t think (con’t) is used much anymore. It’s obvious, and only adds clutter.

This …

turns on the sink.

*I think you mean ‘turns on the faucet’.

QUESTION …

*If the clothes he was carrying were worn earlier (how much earlier?), then how is fresh blood dripping from them? When and where did he change them??

Page 2

*Title and Credits don’t belong in a spec script.

This …

indecipherable babble of simple conversations

*If it’s indecipherable, then how do we know it’s simple?

This …

We pan to see yellow "CRIME SCENE - DO NOT CROSS" tape

*More camera direction. Also, just say ‘yellow police tape’. The set designer will know what to do.

This …

POLICE OFFICER #1
We have a lead, sir. Some
eyewitness reports describing a
male fleeing from the scene
directly after gunshots were
reported.

*Report and reported in the same sentence sounds clumsy.

This …

DETECTIVE
Well, what are you waiting for? Get
on it! Somebody killed this poor
girl and it’s our job to figure out
who the Hell it was!

*Really canned dialogue. You can do better.

Page 3

The POLICE OFFICER nods and runs from the scene. We zoom
onto the face of the detective who places a hat atop his
head and solemnly walks away leaving only the image of the
sun-streaked sky in the frame.

*Why does he run?

*Next you have a 30-word sentence without a break, not to mention more camera direction.

This …

BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
FILTER: B&W
EFFECT: SLOW MOTION

*Can’t say I’ve ever seen the two latter. Also, on the next page you instruct END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE, but no mention of the other two. Do they continue for the duration of the film?

This …

* is nothing short of irritating …

We switch to a hand holding a gun. The finger pulls the
trigger and the recoil sends the fire arm out of the frame.

Cut back to ABBY who falls to the ground, shot. Her cell
phone bounces away from her body.

Cut to two hands grabbing an engagement ring off of ABBY’S
finger. We pan up to reveal the tattered face of LYLE who
gets up and runs away from the scene.

*All this camera direction kills the rhythm of the story. I’m exhausted!

*Tattered? Tattered means torn to shreds if I’m not mistaken. Is that what you mean?

This …

LYLE stands on a sidewalk which is protected from the many
dangers of the bustling street by a small cement partition.
This particular portion of street and sidewalk is on a
bridge, and LYLE stares over the edge. He shakes his head as
if trying to murder the bad thoughts which plague his mind.

*Who gives a rat about the many dangers of the bustling street? I see no reason for that to be in here. Lose it.

*Also, the whole ‘shakes his head’ bit is un-filmable information.

In addition, you have already mentioned we are on a bridge in the slug. This whole block can be widdled down to …

*Lyle stands between a cement barrier and the railing. He looks over the edge.


contd ....

alex whitmer
05-03-2008, 08:44 PM
This …

He looks down to his hands which hold the engagement ring
and then back up to the rushing river below the bridge.

*Sorry to be so hard on you, but …

**He looks at the engagement ring, then back to the rushing river.

*You don’t need to be so blow-by-blow. ‘He looks at the ring’ is plenty of information for the actor and director to piece this scene together. You don’t need to mention his hands.

Also this …

He looks up to look at the river below …

*If the river is below, he’s not going to need to look up.

*Your first mention of the bridge did not say what was beneath it. Could have been an overpass he was on, with a highway below, and was contemplating suicide. It could have been a dry riverbed. Be specific first time.

And this …

Cars pass behind him, all with somewhere to go, something to do. None minding LYLE and his many mental burdens.

*I would have stopped at ‘cars pass behind him. The rest is un-filmable information babble.

Page 4

This …

allowing himself to rest up against the unforgiving cement right as a copious amount of police cars flies by with blaring sirens and flashing lights.

*Why does he ‘allow himself’?

*Unforgiving cement? Lose the poetics. This is a script. It’s okay to be visual and creative to keep a script alive, but make sure it’s useful information.

*Can’t say I have ever heard ‘copious’ used for police cars.

This …

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Looking out from a dark, dirty alleyway we see a city street
which hosts several passing cars. After some time LYLE sulks
around the corner, occasionally glancing behind him. We hear
sirens in the background and LYLE quickens his pace, seeking
secrecy behind a large bin. We move forward and away from
LYLE as police cars fly by the alley entrance.

*Again, you mention in action what was already mentioned in the slug. That followed by more on-page directing.

*How does a city ‘host’ passing cars? Hmm.

*Also, another six-line action block. Thud!

*By seeking secrecy, do you mean HIDE?

*The next page direction leaves me lost as to where I am. Where are we supposed to be going and why?

And this …

Fast forward, time seems to be slipping away. A cat runs
down the street, searching for sometime to eat. Lights
streak past the alley entrance, the only indication that
cars are still present. The cat finds something which
attracts its attention.

*Just mention cat. All the drama distracts from the real story. Also, I think you meant 'something', not 'sometime'.

*Not sure what you mean by ‘only indication’. Earlier there were ‘several passing cars’. Where are we??

Time finally returns to normal speed as police cars find
there way into the alley and a gang of America’s Finest jump
out and run towards us, down the alley and around the
corner.

*Earlier you left us running in slowmotion back at the flashback scene, now we move to fast motion? Has this all been running slow motion from the flashback scene?

*Why America’s Finest? More silly poetics. And why are they running toward 'us'? I thought they were looking for Lyle, or sombody? Also, are 'we' also around the corner?

*See why all this camera direction and on-page direction is so confusing? At this point I have no idea where I am, or where Lyle is, or who the cops are looking for. All I know is some cat found something to eat.


This …

INT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT

A cramped, dirty stairwell seemingly held within a loud
apartment complex. The safe haven for all the local drug
dealers and prostitutes. LYLE runs up the stairs making a
painful stomping sound as he gets closer and closer to his
destination.

*More slug/action redundancy.

*Seemingly within an apartment complex, or is?

*How do we know it’s a safe haven? Was there a sign?

*Where did Lyle come from? I thought he was seeking secrecy behind a large bin (dumpter??). When did he run?

*What does a ‘painful stomping sound’ sound like?

*How do we know he has a destination? Could just be trying to get away.

This …

Several police officers run up the staircase toting guns and
a thirst for justice.

*Are these guys the same as America’s Finest? Toting guns we can see. Thirst for justice? Not sure.

*Maybe use ‘over-exuberant’ or something we can film.

This …

‘’perfect for his level of happiness’’


* … is the best line in the whole script.

This …

He is staring out the window at the World,

*Why is world capped?

Page 5

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

The team of black and white protectors sprint down the
hallway of the dirty apartment building.

*Black and White as in race? Or do you mean uniform? Are these the same guys as the Police Officers and America’s Finest? Or is protector some kind of device?

*You have already told us the hallway is dirty, and more redundancy.

*And !!! a seven-line action block. Ouch.

This …

… lonely lady wearing a night gown and hair curlers pokes her
head out. About six cats escape the room and run down the
hall as the depressed woman returns the door to the closed
position.

*Lonely lady is such an over-used gimmick. Also are the lonely lady and the depressed woman the same person?

**‘’returns the door to the closed position’’ ?? Do you mean she closes the door?

This …

The cops finally reach the door they were looking
for and prepare to enter.

*Same guys, four titles. How do we know they were looking for that door? They could have been chasing someone who does not live there. Up to this point, we really have no idea.

CUT TO;

Interior side of the front door to an apartment. Faint
rustling is heard outside.

*This really needs its own slug. Also, wrong punctuation.

*Now we are back to officers …

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

The lead officer counts down from three with his hand and
the others kick in the door.

*I think you mean ‘with his fingers’.

And this …

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

The interior door comes flying into the room as the police
invade the small room.

*I assume it’s the same apartment not slugged first mention??

*You use ‘room’ twice in the same sentence. Clumsy.


Cont'd

alex whitmer
05-03-2008, 08:45 PM
This …

LYLE still stares out the window. He is looking across the
street at a nearby apartment building. He can see directly
into one of the rooms. Inside that room sits another man,
dirty and fatigued. Then, our keepers of the peace
infiltrate his hideaway and apprehend the criminal.

** Across the street at a nearby apartment …

*‘Nearby’ is really superfluous.

*Keepers of the peace. Same guys??

*Was it a hideaway, or just an apartment? Is the ‘criminal’ the same person as ‘another man’?

This …

the beautiful ABBY who tragically lost her life

*Not even sure what to say here. I doubt her murder was anything but tragic.

This …

Through the window LYLE wipes the tears from his face and
closes the curtains while justice is served. But they can’t
bring back his one true love.

**Nick, you’re killing me!!

*Who is they? The cops? How do we know it’s his one true love? Could have been his third or forth marriage.

*Through the window. Is is head through the window, or is this a POV?

Page 6

Beautiful ABBY stands on the side of the street she turns to
look across.

*Missing some punctuation.

This …

He smiles at his girlfriend.

*Do you mean Abby? I thought she was his fiancee.

This …

*two cones full of cold deliciousness.

Then this …

*ice creams

*Pick one and stick to it.

This …

ABBY collapses, shot, as LYLE drops the ice creams and runs
to her.

As? It happens coincidentally at the same time?

This …

Begging for her to live does no good, as the bullet
takes ABBY’S beautiful life. LYLE cries and removes the
engagement ring from her finger, a token of his love to hold
forever, and flees from the scene.

Jeeze, pour on the melodrama!

How do we know she had a beautiful life? Could have been a miserable crack whore for all we know. You never really explain.

Lots of questions …

If this is his one true love, why does he flee? That makes zero sense.

Then, you say he take the ‘token of his love to hold forever’, but then he throws it in the river.

Way to convenient to have the bust across the street. Course, I am assuming it’s the killer the cops bust. Or no??

The one redeeming quality is the twist where we are led to believe Lyle is the killer all along. Good job on that!!

Well, sorry to be so harsh, but IMHO this script has many problems that need to be addressed. Formatting is a disaster, and the story is full of holes.

The concept is solid, in theory.

Alex Whitmer

ConspiracyPenguin
05-03-2008, 11:19 PM
Alex, thank you for your remarks. For the most part, besides a bit of frivilous nitpicking at details, I think you have some good advice. When I wrote this script, I wrote it unlike any other I have ever written, in that it was more like a novel than a script. I think in order to compensate for the minimal dialogue, I drenched the story in detail. I had my concerns about this going in but, at deadline, this was all I had. Problem noted.

As far as camera direction, this is a problem I have because I often write for myself and include dorector's notes. I am aware I need to work on this.

I did find your comments a wee bit hyp[ocritical in that you complain about the multipl;e terms used to describe the police officer and the old lady (I believe your quote was "pick one and stick to it") but then you get mad when I use the same word too close together anyway. In this arena, it seems I can't win.

I understand I could have made the actual events a bit more clear. The idea is that, up until the end, we think the cops are about to bust in Lyle's apartment door and arrest him but it turns out they are actually busting the guy across the street who is the real murderer.

I don't want this to sound like a defensive closing statement in a trial, so I will not remark on every bit of your notes. I did want to mention that my capitalizing each use of names is not because I am unfamiliar with standard format, but because I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and having one use in caps and the others not would drive me crazy with "uneveness."

All in all I appreciate your notes, after all I am here top perfect my craft. I felt your critique could have been more concise if you hadn't picked on small, otherwise irrelevent, items such as my using "girlfriend" instead of "fiance" etc, but do understand, most of my work is more "to code" with format and less descriptive. Like I said above, I tried something new this time. I had my concerns, but I went with it, and that's all we can do, right? Thank you.

alex whitmer
05-03-2008, 11:39 PM
I did find your comments a wee bit hyp[ocritical in that you complain about the multipl;e terms used to describe the police officer and the old lady (I believe your quote was "pick one and stick to it") but then you get mad when I use the same word too close together anyway. In this arena, it seems I can't win.

I felt your critique could have been more concise if you hadn't picked on small, otherwise irrelevent, items such as my using "girlfriend" instead of "fiance"

Hey Nick,

I wasn't complaining. I was pointing out 'errors'. Using multiple names for a single character or group of characters confuses the reader, and all the people who need to access screenplay information (actors, casting director, technical crews, etc.). It's not just a pet peeve of mine.

I wasn't 'mad' about using the same word too close. It just reads clumsy. I believe I have one in my script as well, found AFTER I uploaded.

Not sure what you mean by 'can't win'.

Nothing in a script is irrelevent. The woman's name is Abby, so use Abby. Don't make your reader go back thinking he or she may have missed something.

Anyways, take from the feedback what can help, toss the rest. It was a fun read.

alex

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)

.

seansshack
05-04-2008, 02:27 AM
Would also avoid the camera descriptions - but as you explained you write for yourself, so this is cool.

Descriptions are a bit heavy. Too many words. Not a problem, but from what I have learned these days readers prefer less. So short paragraphs and lots of white space on the page (vertical my ass - just quicker to read!!!).

Also I would avoid using (description) especially when you are telling us what we can't see (if watching).

I also avoid we (but again matter of choice). I use in a lot in treatments but not in scripts (for figure). It just reads like a shooting script, rather than a screenplay.

The main issue is does the story work? Yes it does. Interesting read. Other stuff is just gravy and can be fixed with a draft or two. If the story didn't work, you would have to start from scratch.

1) Tighten up the descriptions. Will make for a easier read (Will shorten the piece).

2) Would have liked a bit more character interaction - but this is just me. You seem to have written more of a visual than talking (character) piece.

Finally I would take out your name at the end. No need to include this. End credits will do.

Hope this helps and good luck with it.

ConspiracyPenguin
05-04-2008, 01:59 PM
Thanks for the feedback Sean. Like I said above, I am aware of the overindulgance in descriptions. I knew this when I wrote it. Usually I write much more concise, but I think I tried to compensate for the minimal dialogue by drenching the rest in detail. I do think that some detail is good, though, even if you can't "see" it on the screen. Things that describe character's mental state or even "invisible" details can help the actors and directors to get an idea for the "feel" of the film.

Alex, what I mean't by "can't win" was when I used the same word too close together (something I strive not to do, because it reads akward) you mentioned it was wrong, but when I went out of my way to use different terms, you called it "confusing." I was feeling like there was no way to do a good job of that.

Again, I thank everyone for your feedback. This was a whole new style for me, and I appreciate anything that will help me when considering using it (or not using it) in the future.

Russell Moore
05-04-2008, 04:19 PM
I think you did a good job leading us to believe that Lyle was the killer.

I'm unsure of what his motivation is to run from the scene after Abby is shot. I'm personally married to the love of my life and if someone shot her, the last thing I would do is leave her side, but then everyone is different.

I also like how you led us to believe that the police were going to bust into his apartment.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-04-2008, 04:42 PM
I actually felt slightly ripped off. Especially when the main character does things (like running from the scene) with little to no explanation other than to set up a surprise ending. It seems like the script was written with that in mind, but it just wasn't justified. Why he did the odd things that he did were never explained.

I had zero issues with the writing style. Maybe I just didn't "get it" during the initial read. It just seemed like the entire thing was a set up. I don't mind being set up. I just don't like it when it seems forced.

For instance, I had no issues with "The Traitor".
Everything that was said and done had a purpose. Hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.

Cheers,

Mike

Just my 2 cents.

Captain Pierce
05-04-2008, 06:25 PM
Let me just start by saying one thing about Alex's critique:


*The audience has no idea the graffiti was placed by needy teens with nothing better to do.

Personally, I think the audience always knows that any graffiti is placed by needy teens with nothing better to do. ;)

I think the twist in this script is contrived. As has been said, Lyle's reason for running and hiding are never even hinted at; and I feel the odds of him living within sight of the killer's window are beyond computation. I also can't for the life of me imagine why you'd write that he keeps her engagement ring as "a token of his love to hold forever" only two pages after you have him throw it into the river.

Given that you only used 6 of your 10 pages, I feel you could have fleshed out the idea more and explained all these seeming inconsistencies. Maybe the killer is a Peeping Tom who's been watching Lyle and Abby through Lyle's window and Lyle watching him at the end is poetic justice. Maybe there's a reason Lyle runs rather than waiting for the cops to come and describe the killer to them.

This all sounds harsher than I really want it to, but I can't (ironically) find the right words here. :)

Just so you don't think that I totally hate you and your script, let me say that I actually enjoyed the way you described things, and the mood you set with the descriptions. I do think that with a little more explanation, this could be a good script/short, but as it stands, I'm just not quite getting it.

Isaac_Brody
05-04-2008, 06:34 PM
Don't forget, when people take the time to give feedback, it's because they care. Haven't read this yet, but Alex's feedback is the kind which is helpful. He was specific, he was honest, and while we can write for ourselves and give descriptions only we understand, we also need to take the audience into account.

And remember, we're all trying to get better at this.

StefanHaynes
05-05-2008, 12:45 AM
Nick--
Honestly, the feedback Alex gave was worth it's weight in gold. He took (clearly) a lot of time to go through your script word by word, unravelling your occasionally confusing direction and plot for the sole purpose of making you a better writer.

That kind of critique would normally run for around $50 (no kidding!). Just something to think about :) .

mjjason
05-05-2008, 02:30 PM
I echo what others have said. I felt somewhat cheated and disappointed after reading the script. There was no reason given for why Lyle ran from the scene of his girlfriend's murder? Why did he mutter "I have to clean up this mess"? Why did he throw the ring into the river? Overall, why did he act like the criminal?

The only purpose was to trick the reader but after the twist, which is kind of predictable, is revealed any good reader would go back over everything they saw and realize it was a gimmick written to trick them. As a result they will feel cheated as opposed to shocked and pleasantly surprised.

There were other issues with the format and structure of the script which alex has highlighted but I am guilty of those too so I won't comment on that.. But the story part needs to be more fleshed out and believable.

ConspiracyPenguin
05-05-2008, 06:31 PM
I thank you all for your feedback once again. I can see the part about not feeling fulfilled after finished the read, as it really did lack enough explaination. I think this happend for a number of reasons (some of which have been pointed out):

1) I wrote it with the whole twist in mind
2) I wanted it to be a simple/minimal dialogue piece.
3) I didn't take much time to go over it after writing and/or have others read it first. This was due to the fact I got really busy and just put it aside and turned it in when it was due.

I am noticing some people seem a bit bitter in regards to my response to Alex. I in no way was trying to be disrespectful, or discredit his criticisms. I whole heartedly appreciated the time he spent going through my script and coming up with such a detailed and throurough review. I guess what happened is, after the innitial read of his comments, I felt mostly like I had been given good advice, but a bit like he was too hard on me. I probably could have chosen my words better in my replies, and if anyone thought I handled it wrong, I apologize and reiterate that that was not the impression I was trying to give.

Overall, I would just like to thank you all once again. Also, I made note that Mike actually liked the writing style. I think this just points out an underlying point of ths whole business: you can't please everyone.

Thanks,

Detached
05-05-2008, 10:28 PM
Awesome read. I enjoyed the flow of the script. Couple of little things pop out at me, I am sure someone has mentioned, but I don't have time (unfortunatly) to read all the comments and the scripts!

Lyle doesn't have to be caps all the time.

You give lots of camera direction, I don't, but that is because I am not an advanced writer. Yours works, but I have read that it's not best practice to do.

Some of the dialogue was a little "on the nose" as they say in all the text.
DETECTIVE
Well, What are you waiting for, Get on it. Somebody killed this poor girl...."

Also, some of the descriptions would be hard to catch on film:
"Cars pass behind him, all somewhere to go, something to do. None minding Lyles and his many mental burdens".

That felt a little wordy, like I would have liked to see him feeling passed up and unseen. I know, I don't even know how I would handle it. I would have to work on that myself.

LOVED your FAST FORWARD part and then time returns to normal. That just totally worked for me!

Another part " a thirst for justice" not really able to film that.

I thought this was a really strong script. Good job and good luck.

ConspiracyPenguin
05-05-2008, 10:40 PM
Thanks, Detached. A lot of what you said was mentioned before, but let me just respond again:

I always use all caps with all names because I am obsessive compulsive and if I don't it would beel grossly uneven.

I knew the dialogue was a bit wordy, this was a new style for me. Kind of like "Novel Script Writing" I guess you could call it.

The camera direction is a problem I have to work on. I have written for myself for so long it has become second nature. Also, I have some control issues, I suppose, and I want the film to be how I picture it. I have to fix that problem, because camera cirection is the Director's job.

The dialogue was a bit blunt/cliche. I credit this issue to the fact that I wanted this to be a minimal dialogue piece and so I didn't put much time into what dialogue I did use.

As far as unfilmable stuff like "a thirst for justice" I am not sure if it is completely irrelevent. I am an actor too and if I read that my character had a "thirst for justice" that would give me a really good idea of what this person is feeling inside and ultimately, it may add quality to the final result and make it more "believeable" and "real."

Thanks for your compliments, I am glad you liked the fast forward effect. Sorry I respons so much, everyone, I just want to thank everyone and put my thoughts out there as well. As writers, we do things for a reason, and sometimes I think it is good to see both points of view: from the inside and the outside.

Thanks,

John LaBonney
05-07-2008, 01:39 PM
Nick:

I think that Alex's critique was pretty much on the mark about the writing style and formatting. It's a difficult script to read because of all the superfluity. Too much flowery description and the interruptions from camera directions really slow things up.

"A thirst for justice" is completely irrelevant. It might be cute, but it's not something that could be filmed. I think that you could suffice with something like "determined" or "serious." "The safe haven..." method of describing the building really belongs in a novel. Far better to describe what you see.

I think the story is pretty good, but once I figured out that Lyle wasn't the killer I felt totally set-up. Not ripped off, but set-up. You've said yourself that you wrote it with the twist in mind from the beginning, and I kind of felt that. I think in order to make this work the storyline needs a touch more depth, but I don't know which direction I would take as a writer to achieve this.

Getting your script out to associates for review is something I've found very helpful. Imagine how this would have turned out if Alex had given you his critique ahead of time.

I'm looking forward to reading your next script.

ConspiracyPenguin
05-07-2008, 07:29 PM
Thanks John. I do regret not finding someone to read it before hand, I think I was putting so much focus into critique for my TimeFest script, I let this one slip through my fingers. The ironic thing is, my TimeFest script is was pretty perfect already, since I wrote it like a script is supposed to be written, unlike this new technique I tried. I guess we learn from our mistakes...

I am hearing you guys about the story lacking that final element. Maybe after the dust clears I look at it again, flesh it out and add a few pages to make it complete, because I do think it could be a good story (albeit a bit cliche).

alex whitmer
05-07-2008, 07:52 PM
I guess we learn from our mistakes...

Trying something new with less than perfect results is never a mistake. A learning adventure probably sums is up better.

I've had plenty.

a

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)

www.guerro.wordpress.com (http://www.guerro.wordpress.com)

.

ConspiracyPenguin
05-07-2008, 08:59 PM
Thanks Alex, I suppose you are right. You hadn't come around here in a while and I thought you took my remarks the wrong way and became mad at me. :( That is the last thing I want.

jasonthewho
05-15-2008, 06:27 AM
Just wanted to let you know I read your script. Unfortunately, I don't have much new to add, since so many good comments have been made by all.

The only thing I have to add is a suggestion that if you want to write with a lot of detail since you don't have dialogue, focus on creating specific moments of action. I was most interested in your description of the physical actions the main character performed in the bathroom. They created a good sense of mystery.

Best of luck!