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krestofre
04-22-2008, 11:26 AM
Throwing my hat into this ring.

Dead Men

When a recently deceased man runs instead of going into the afterlife, a preternatural being pursues him and discovers what he's really chasing.

Russell Moore
04-22-2008, 04:12 PM
Wow! Good logline, I'm hooked. I look forward to reading it.

krestofre
04-22-2008, 10:44 PM
Thanks. This post has been delayed several weeks as I've tweaked that one blasted sentence! Still, good practice I guess. :)

mentatDUKE
05-03-2008, 01:36 PM
krestofre, this was an interesting take on the grim reaper story. I like how you seamlessly set up the "rules" of the universe through the staging and description. Your addition of humor to the gim proceedings was a good choice and brought some texture to the Dead Man. "Looks like you've been a good girl" and "Sorry about that one, buddy." were my favorites. It shows that he does this day in and day out, and often has to humor himself in order to stay "sane".

Introducing Daniel into the story definitely helped with the exposition, as he was essentially a stand-in for "the audience". My only problem with this section was the fact that Daniel seemed to accept that he was dead, but kept trying to talk to the waitress. It seemed like you wanted to use the "Stop ignoring me" gag, but couldn't really justify it in the context of the story.

Another minor complaint is the fact that Daniel's girlfriend died the same day he did. This is fine, but the fact that she died from a totally unrelated slip in the shower didn't really work for me. Firstly, not many young people die from slips in the shower. Usually only elderly people do. Secondly, it may have worked better from a storytelling perspective to have the deaths be more tightly coupled. I think it would have worked better if her death was a suicide in response to his death. That way, you'd have a red light (instead of a blue one) when the fingers snapped and Daniel's decision to follow her into the tunnel would have resonated more. As it stands, the ending doesn't seem to work for me.

Very creative ideas with a lot of good execution. Just a few sticking points here and there. Looking forward to seeing more from you. Good job.

krestofre
05-03-2008, 09:53 PM
My only problem with this section was the fact that Daniel seemed to accept that he was dead, but kept trying to talk to the waitress. It seemed like you wanted to use the "Stop ignoring me" gag, but couldn't really justify it in the context of the story.

Interesting comment. It was actually the "Where's my wallet?" "With your body." dialog that I struggled to get into the script, but your point is well taken. I was so enamoured with the "With your body." line that I probably didn't vet that portion of the script as well as I should have and came up with some contrivances to get it in there. I'm not entirely sure that it doesn't work, but you make a valid point and one that I'm going to spend some more time pondering.


Daniel's decision to follow her into the tunnel would have resonated more. As it stands, the ending doesn't seem to work for me.

I see where you're coming from. My thought process was that this is the Dead Man's story, not Daniel's. Daniel doesn't really change during the course of the story, as you pointed out, being dead doesn't even really phase him from a personality or character stand point. Instead it's the Dead Man that actually grows and at the end of the script sees hope for the first time in a long time. That is what was really important to me, so the fact that what happens between Daniel and his girlfriend at the moment of death is really inconsequential and why it happens off screen. You get it from the setup of the story, but we stay on the Dead Man leading up to, during, and after the climax to maximize the effect on him as a character.

So that's my justification for how things play out. As far as the cause of death, well, the suicide thing is a little over done in my opinion, and coincidences don't bother me as a writer or viewer. I've seen coincidences in my own life that I wouldn't believe in a million years if they were in a movie, so I guess I've built up a stronger suspension of disbelief. :)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read the script and post your comments. I can't express how valuable the feedback is.

Mark Harris
05-04-2008, 07:04 AM
Good stuff. Nice take on an OLD idea. And good characters. So far, I am impressed with a lot of these, and wonder why so many DVXUser fest films have such bad writing if we have so many decent writers here...anyway.

I think if had any suggestions, I would illustrate the two in one light idea in action, instead of having him describe it. I know it works fine describing it, but I thought it would be nice to take the new guy through one job first and then have the subject come up.

Also, as far as the girlfriend goes, I hear what you're saying about coincidence and I am right there with you. The problem is, it feels like the characters are doing what the writer wants them to do instead of what they want to do.

And a simple way around it is, why is this his first? Why not have him settle into the job for a while and then she dies like 10 years later? Have it like No Exit where time on Earth goes by faster than time for these guys. Give some opportunities for nice visuals too. Seems to me that would get what you want and silence any critiques on that subject. What do you think?

krestofre
05-04-2008, 08:43 AM
First of all, thanks for calling me a decent writer. That means a lot to me.

Secondly, your suggestions are strong ones. I really like the idea of letting time pass between Daniel's death and his girlfriend's death. That strengthens the impact of the scene simply because she's had to live without him, then there's longing from both ends. And you're right, that it solves all of the problems in one simple swoop. I wish I'd thought of it. :)

Point well taken on the diner scene as well. Show them don't tell them. I have to repeat that to myself constantly while writing a script. I don't know about you, but the first draft of my scripts are nothing but long soliloquies that I mercilessly tear to shreds on the first rewrite. Practically all of that exposition could be rewritten as action which would make for a stronger script.

Thanks for the suggestions and time, Mark.

Paul Hudson
05-04-2008, 09:22 AM
Good Job!

mjjason
05-06-2008, 10:39 AM
I really liked the concept and the overall story though I think Daniel's portion kind of hurt the overall script. Mark Harris' idea is a great one. It allows the story to grow and gives it more depth. I think you have something that you can flesh out here a bit further.

Format and writing wise I thought it was ok though in some portions the tone seemed off. The story and dialog had a lighter tone but for some reason I was expecting something darker. I think the first few sentences with the heartbeat and death clock set a dark mode but the dialog countered that. It made it awkwards at times.

Russell Moore
05-06-2008, 01:40 PM
I like the new take on the grim reaper scenario. I really liked the character (Dead Man) you created.
When I read it, the coincidence of her dying didn't bother me, but the way she did. I just didn't really buy it, anything is possible, but for anyone(especially someone young) to actually slip in a tub and break their neck. I think it takes quite a bit to break a neck. Maybe if she died some other way.
But really, I feel like I'm nitpicking, because it really wasn't that big a deal for me and I don't have any real criticism. I thought it was solid throughout.

I agree with the idea stated above about letting some time pass, that would certainly add depth to it.

Overall I thought this was an excellent and well executed script.

Captain Pierce
05-06-2008, 04:05 PM
I agree with Mark's suggestion of showing Daniel and his girlfriend going through together. That way, all you need is the Dead Man to say "Son of a bitch" as his last line before walking away.

And I don't really have a problem with Daniel trying to get the waitress' attention, he hasn't been dead long at this point, so it would take some getting used to.

"With your body" is a great line. :)

The overall tone of the piece reminded me a little of the old Showtime show "Dead Like Me." Which is a good thing, cause I liked that show. :D It's definitely different enough in the specifics that it doesn't come across like you're trying to rip that off or anything.

All in all, a good script that I enjoyed reading.

Detached
05-06-2008, 09:17 PM
I think so far this is my favorite, so far. I like your organized, simple style and clean style of writing.

I had to laugh when the Dead Man actually whistled to round them up. Very funny.

One type, page 2, through not thought the crowd.

I like the light and the different colors you used as a way to get them to go to heaven or hell. Very clever.

I really really liked the opening scene with Shanna. You did that well.

Good job and good luck.

krestofre
05-07-2008, 06:03 AM
Thanks for the continued feedback.

Captain: I had never heard of Dead Like Me until you mentioned it. I'm glad to hear that I'm not ripping it off, and now I'll have to check it out. :)

Detached: Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked the script.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-07-2008, 12:57 PM
I really enjoyed this. You write excellent dialogue!

Some of my gripes have already been covered. The timing and the way his GF died. Not only that but in a way that would be considered a freak accident right after he becomes a "Dead Man".

I'm also not sure that I've ever heard of a Paramedic pronouncing someone dead on the scene. Usually they will work on them (CPR) in the ambulance and they will get announced at the hospital. It's different when they arrive and they get covered up and no work is done. This is not the case here though.

Still, I loved the idea. Very interesting story.

Mike

John LaBonney
05-07-2008, 01:08 PM
Christopher:

I really liked this script, and it's clear to me that you can write.

One description that hit me as particularly strong was the phrase "t-boned."

Lots of subtle humor, like the pain in the Dead Man's side, and "Sorry about that one, buddy."

I thought the diner scene was well-done and interesting because the Dead Man doesn't bother to try to explain to Daniel that the waitress can't see/hear him, he just kind of ignores it and continues on with his conversation as if he's seen this kind of thing a million times before and that it will eventually dawn on Daniel that he's invisible.

The ending is where I run into a problem. I'm not really buying the "two people in one light" premise. If it was explained a little more thoroughly what the problem with that is, besides "it's not allowed, then maybe. But I think I have an ending that would work even better, if I might be allowed to indulge myself here. How about Daniel goes to collect her, but when the light appears, it's red. In order to go with her, he must accept the eternity of pain and suffering of hell that's she's in for, but he does so because his love for her is so strong.

Thanks for sharing this entry, it's one of my favorites of the fest so far.

krestofre
05-07-2008, 04:26 PM
I'm also not sure that I've ever heard of a Paramedic pronouncing someone dead on the scene. Usually they will work on them (CPR) in the ambulance and they will get announced at the hospital. It's different when they arrive and they get covered up and no work is done. This is not the case here though.

Good tip. Thanks.


How about Daniel goes to collect her, but when the light appears, it's red. In order to go with her, he must accept the eternity of pain and suffering of hell that's she's in for, but he does so because his love for her is so strong.

Thanks for the feedback John. I haven't figured this one out yet, but my resistance to this kind of ending is that it takes too much of the spotlight off of the Dead Man. As I said earlier this is very much his story, not Daniel's, so doing something like this seems to put more of the structure of the script on Daniel's shoulders. It's the Dead Man's attitude that has to change for the script to work for me. Don't think I'm just disregarding your suggestion though, I'm chewing on all of this feedback to figure out how to make the next rewrite extra strong. Thanks again.

John LaBonney
05-07-2008, 04:34 PM
...but my resistance to this kind of ending is that it takes too much of the spotlight off of the Dead Man. As I said earlier this is very much his story, not Daniel's, so doing something like this seems to put more of the structure of the script on Daniel's shoulders. It's the Dead Man's attitude that has to change for the script to work for me.

You're right, this ending does make the story more about Daniel. After this comment I went back and reread the ending, and perhaps I'm just thick, but I don't see how Dead Man changes or grows. Two people go through the same tunnel, so does that mean there's a potential escape for Dead Man, a way out of this purgatory? It doesn't come off that strong to me.

krestofre
05-07-2008, 04:42 PM
Yeah, you got it. The Dead Man has these rules that he's followed for who knows how long, and when they're challenged he refused to carry on with the conversation. But there's enough curiosity still inside the Dead Man that he lets Daniel send his girlfriend off alone, knowing full well what Daniel is probably thinking. And then when the world doesn't end, or Daniel doesn't get thrown back to earth, or what have you then maybe there's a chance that the Dead Man has hope. The truth is that he doesn't know if it worked out for Daniel, and neither do we, but for the first time in his existence, the Dead Man is thinking about what is possible.

If that's not very strong, then maybe that's something I need to work on too. And in that case, by still running my mouth off in this post I may be making the script look weaker. :)

John LaBonney
05-07-2008, 04:49 PM
We know from his conversation that two going through together is not allowed, something bad will happen. It's at that moment that I'm expecting to find out what that bad thing is later in the story and how one of them overcomes the obstacle. Obviously Dead Man knows (or thinks he knows) what horrible thing will happen. So when nothing happens, it's kind of anti-climactic.

As far as I'm concerned you're not running your mouth off. We wrote these scripts and put them up here so we could talk about them, didn't we? So let's talk about 'em.

krestofre
05-07-2008, 05:04 PM
I see what you're saying and how you got there. My thought while writing it was that the Dead Man says two people can't go through at the same time merely because it's a rule. Kind of like a little kid following a rule only because it's a rule and not understanding the consequences. Simply following to follow. But from his reaction I can see why it would seem that he's opposed to two people going through at the same time because of something that he's aware of that he's not sharing vs. something that he simply hadn't thought about.

More stuff to think about now. :)

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-07-2008, 06:19 PM
Good tip. Thanks.


No problem. It's a really strong script and I had to nitpick to find anything wrong with it. Well done!

Mike

Erik Olson
05-07-2008, 08:42 PM
Krestofre,

My one comment is that I'd like to have Daniel know that his girlfriend was going to die, but that he discovers that she is so despondent that she plans to kill herself.

Him having that advance knowledge introduces a lot of possible themes. Can Daniel somehow cross the line to prevent this - and what we all believe to be the consequences of same?

Might our matter-of-fact narrator (antagonist?) finally do away with the rules to go above and beyond the pattern of his own destiny to help someone else?

You have a nice, easy and spartan writing style. I only wish more features that I read were written with that same sensibility.

CONSIDER

e

krestofre
05-08-2008, 07:33 AM
Might our matter-of-fact narrator (antagonist?) finally do away with the rules to go above and beyond the pattern of his own destiny to help someone else?

That angle I like. I could get behind that idea and do a lot with it. Good suggestion!


You have a nice, easy and spartan writing style. I only wish more features that I read were written with that same sensibility.

Thanks a lot for the compliment. That really means a lot to me.

aegriffin
05-08-2008, 10:35 AM
Geez, this is an excellent script and the suggestions have been really good as well.

Hmmm, perhaps consider the idea of Daniel and his girlfirend's deaths somehow interconnect in another dramatic generating way. I don't feel it has to be a negetive suicide thing as that could lend itself to far too much melodrama - unless that is something you would like to pursue.

It could be something as simple as leading the audience in this way:

Where is my wallet?

With your body.

Cut to: the house/apartment Daniel and his girlfriend share. Daniel is dead in the basement from an apparent Carbon Monoxide leak in the water heater.

Now the girlfriend comes home and she is slowly being poisoned by the same incident unaware that Daniel's body is in the basement. It raises the stakes timewise and you could potentially couch the idea of Daniel confronting Dead Man as to what would happen if two people used the same tunnel of light in the heated exchange as we watch her overcome by the gas.

Not only does it side step the heaven/hell allusion that is obvious to the audience but has to be explained to Daniel but this would also serve to get you out of the exposition that is explaining the purpose of that list and why peoples names are on it as a device to move the story forward.

And please forgive the sloppiness of offering a snap "rewrite." I just didn't know a better way to convey the suggestion in an easier manner.

Nice pace and easy read. Looking forward to more!

krestofre
05-08-2008, 12:27 PM
No apologies necessary Griffin. That's definitely an interesting idea, and would make for a dramatic addition to the script. I like how well you thought it out and am honored that you'd spend so much time thinking about my script.

I keep running this suggestion over and over in my head and I'm not sure how it would affect the overall point of the script. I think I'd have to write it out and look at it on paper to be sure one way or another.

Thanks again for the suggestion!

rgill50
05-08-2008, 11:29 PM
Thanks for your feedback on my scripts krestofre, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but I appreciate it.

I really like the way you did this. First of all, you didn't make him the typical "death" or "grim reaper" in a hood with a syth. He even kinda makes fun of those, which brings me to the next thing I like. The way you made the Dead man so non chalant and almost annoyed was a perfect touch for me it made the script. Great dialouge and sarcasm.

My suggestian on the ending is to give it some time between Daniel's death and his girl's. Show him trying out the new "death" job or something. Then for the bathroom scene right after the blue light shoots out of the door have th dead man just look in and the entire room is empty with the shower running, and that's when he say's....son of a bitch...in a laughing/jelouse way. To do this though you have to put more emphasis on the convorsation about "2 people through one tunnel" to make it obvious of what he did. But I like how you close it all out with the dead man walking down the sidewalk, it shows that even though he just saw first-hand that 2 people can go through one tunnel, he follows the rules and his job is what he does.

alex whitmer
05-09-2008, 11:30 AM
Page 3

BODIES are strung around

Maybe you mea ‘strewn’ . They aren’t christmas lights!!

This …

Finally a red shaft of
light appears.

DEAD MAN (cont’d)
Sorry about that one, buddy. Make
the best of it.

Very funny stuff.

More good stuff this …

Daniel turns and runs.

DEAD MAN (cont’d)
I hate it when they run.

This …

He bolts after Daniel and they chase each other through the
city.

Do they chase each other, or is this a one-way puruit?

Page 5

The Dead Man passes a slip of paper over to Daniel. He
unwraps it and it has various names written on it.

Pronoun confusion.

Page 6

This bit feels a little too expositional and out of tune with other dialogue.

DEAD MAN
Yes. We get a new list every
morning. We make sure we’re there
at the point of death, and we send
them home.

The waitress bit is funny.

Page 10

This …

DEAD MAN
Two people going through the same
tunnel? Son of a bitch.

I’d simplify …

DEAD MAN
So it can be done!

I think the audience will realize Daniel went through with his girlfriend. Leave it open whether Dead Man will do the same.

Alex


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)

www.guerro.wordpress.com (http://www.guerro.wordpress.com)

.

krestofre
05-09-2008, 11:40 AM
Thank Alex. Your grammar skills are unmatched. :)

Isaac_Brody
05-09-2008, 02:09 PM
Krestofre,

I really dig this script. The concept is great, and the writing is pretty tight. There were a couple instances where you insert camera specific actions for your characters, and that interrupts the flow you establish. (Dead man walking into frame, etc)

The diner scene has some clunky dialogue. For example, Daniel's line: "So what's this? A list of everyone who is going to die today?" I'm not sure if you do this but I find it helps to read out dialogue after I've written it. You can catch those clunky phrases when you have trouble acting them out.

Again, Daniel repeats that clunky line: "This is a list of everyone whose going to die today, isn't it?" I would just cut this line out or change it, no new information is learned.

You can trim down the dead man's line: "We get a new list every morning.." It plays as too expositional. It doesn't match the humor and flavor we've seen earlier.

Just clean up the diner dialogue, if it drags too much cut it down and get out of that scene sooner.

Agreed about the shower slip, doesn't feel authentic, or rather it sticks out.

However, the shower scene is well written and I like it. I'm not sure what to replace it with but the scene was touching. I would take out those "hold for a beat" indicators and just explain what Daniel does in that moment. The "beat holds" take me out of the read.

Good work, it's a solid read.

krestofre
05-09-2008, 02:14 PM
Thanks Isaac.

I learned scriptwriting years ago, so it's been hard for me to let got of a lot of the technicals. I always want to put "CUT TO:"s and "HOLD for a BEAT" in there. But I'm trying. Letting your script flow is the order of the day.

And I agree about the diner scene. I always read the dialog out loud while I'm writing, and you're right, it helps an incredible amount. I think I probably just decided the diner scene was locked in an done before it really was.

All of the critiques and comments have been great and will definitely drive the rewrite of the script.

I'm glad you found the shower scene touching. I worked and worked on that and tried desperatley not to make it sexual, but rather romantic in a way.

GGF NYC
05-12-2008, 09:02 PM
I really enjoyed this read. Solid writing along with some good character development for the "Dead Man". A good idea as well. I also felt the shower scene to be touching when Daniel and the Man are talking about how she is going to die, it hits a spot. I loved the diner scene as well, that can be a funny moment. Maybe you can add The Dead Man cursing at the waitress if u want to go with more comedic. Good job.

jasonthewho
05-15-2008, 05:13 AM
Really good script. Very easy to read and some enjoyable dialogue. I only have a couple of comments that haven't already been said.

Why does the Dead Man say "Why the hell did you run?" when he knows why he ran? Since the Dead Man ran for the same reason, you think he would put two and two together.

Also, "Every single damn time I send one of you through." Shouldn't it be, "one of THEM through"? Or "Every single damn time I send someone through." After all, Daniel doesn't go through.

Great work!

krestofre
05-15-2008, 09:45 AM
Why does the Dead Man say "Why the hell did you run?" when he knows why he ran? Since the Dead Man ran for the same reason, you think he would put two and two together.

Maybe an unclear point, so thanks for pointing it out. The deciding factor between what makes a "Dead Man" is whether they know what to do at the time of death or not. For example someone who dies might know that they need to seek out a Dead Man, but they might also know that they ate babies for breakfast and their eternal reward isn't something they're looking forward to so they would try to run from it. Therefore the Dead Man's question is an appropriate one because he's not sure which category Daniel falls into. People could also run because they just don't want to accept that they're dead. One thing I try to do in every script I write is have very specific rules for the universe I'm playing in. I've probably got every "afterlife" rule that governs the universe of the Dead Men mapped out. Not all of those rules come out in the script, and, in my opinon, they don't have to.


Also, "Every single damn time I send one of you through." Shouldn't it be, "one of THEM through"? Or "Every single damn time I send someone through." After all, Daniel doesn't go through.

I actually did wrestle with that line, and stuck with "you" because it made the dialog more personal between the Dead Man and Daniel.

Thanks for the feedback!

Jeff_L
05-19-2008, 11:43 AM
Christopher, you’ve had some great feedback already. Here’s what came into my mind after I read your script and before I read any of the feedback:


A simple story with an emotional core, well done. It was easy to read, easy to see.

You set up the “single file” rule nicely; and it was pretty funny to see dead people have to get into a line.

I liked the idea that if you don’t believe in heaven or hell, it’s good to be a runner; also resonates at the end when Daniel makes a choice.

I liked the fact that Daniel was less concerned about his own death than his girlfriend’s (and/or the opportunity to be with her eternally).

It could also be interesting if Daniel stays a runner, and knows he’s going to, but unselfishly helps his girlfriend find the light so that she gets to where she needs to go, peacefully. That would be an unconditional act of love. Not necessarily your story, but another possible direction.

A couple of things you might consider to make the read of your script a little more intriguing…

There are times when I think you spell things out for the reader, when you don’t need to, we’ll get it.

I’d change “death rattle” just to “rattle”; I don’t know what a “death rattle” is, it stops me for a moment; I’ll get the mystery of the rattle the second time I hear it.

Similarly, I’d rename the character of the Dead Man. It telegraphs who he is; I’ll get it when he talks with Shanna.

Also, I think your title telegraphs too much. I’d try for something evocative, but less on the nose.

The last related note, is that there are a couple of times when I feel the Dead Man adds explanation to his dialogue lines when he doesn’t need to. Examples:

We’d better get going. The
next one on the list will be dying
soon.

I think you’re fine with just

We’d better get going.

Also

Two people going through the same
tunnel? Son of a bitch.

I’m fine with just

Son of a bitch.

We’ve seen the “two people going through” thought as he hesitates opening the bathroom door. I don’t think you need to re-communicate this.

These are niggly little points. All in all I think you’ve written an economic, powerful little story.

I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but one of my favorite movies is “Truly, Madly, Deeply”. It’s a really beautiful movie, and your script made me think of it.

Best,

- Jeff (“Charlie and Claire”)

P.S. Now that I’ve read through the feedback, I’m taken by your assertion that this is Dead Man’s story. Yes, he has a choice to make, and we see him make it when he walks away from the bathroom door. If it’s all about this choice, I could even bear him walking away from the door before we see what color light emanates from below it. That doesn’t matter, what matters is that he let Daniel go to possibly break the rules.

Of course I’m still intrigued by Daniel’s story and the strong choice that he makes at the end. I’m not sure that you have to sacrifice one for the other. Maybe Dead Man turns away from the door, and we’re sure that he hasn’t seen whatever color light emanates from it. We the audience still don’t know whether Daniel has gone any where in that light, but it doesn’t matter because what matters is that Dead Man let Daniel make a choice to go or not. I’m fine with you leaving Daniel’s story open ended, if you want to focus on Dead Man’s decision.

krestofre
05-19-2008, 12:01 PM
Thanks for the feedback, Jeff.

My intention all along was that it's the Dead Man's story, but you're not the first one to be swept up in Daniel's side of things, so elaborating on both sides is something I'm strongly considering for a rewrite.

I have seen Truly, Madly, Deeply. I always appreciated Minghella's work and for my script to even cause you to think of one of his films is quite a compliment. Thank you.

Jeff_L
05-19-2008, 12:11 PM
Look forward to reading a rewrite or seeing the film when you get it done. It's a good one.

And glad to hear you have an appreciation for Minghella. Not only was he talented, but I met him once, and he was super nice. A loss, but still, an inspiration.

Noel Evans
05-30-2008, 06:58 PM
Hi Chris. Wanted to read yours first and comment as you did for me.

First off, I liked the story. I liked the dead man character a lot. Very clear character composition.

Im not sure what a death rattle is, so I was thinking something like a rattle snake sound - just came to me. So if its not maybe need to clarify.

These people have this inate thought when they die. Look for the dead man and go through. In the crowd everyone does. But before that Shannas line of dialogue didnt add anything for me, I felt a little wow how nonchalant if she really does care. As I said though just my feeling.

And then we come to Daniel. My thought also was he can try cover up his gf is going to die? Id be devastated especially in whilst coming to terms with my own death. Daniels side story I thought was a good one, but his character seems less obvious.

And last to be picky - I noticed nonchalant misspelled as nonchallant.

Mate I really enjoyed it. Literally I was hungry to se what happens on the next page before I got to it. Great job!

krestofre
05-30-2008, 10:32 PM
Death Rattle: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_rattle Kind of spooky. It was the key that drove this script in the sense that the first scene in my head was literally the first scene of the script. That sound with the accompanying voice over. And then I had to figure out what that meant and why someone would be so in tune with it.

Thanks for the comments. I think it's interesting that you're the first person to comment on Daniel's emtional response to the death of his girlfriend. It is somewhat of a strange reaction for him to have. My thought process is that Daniel is a guy that's very much in control of his life, and he doesn't let people in on what he's thinking until it suits him. I did not overtly make that clear in the script, but by his actions I think that I established his behavior enough that he acts plausibly throughout ... or at least throughout enough that it took four pages of replies before someone said, "Hey, wait a minute!" :)

I appreciate your kind words and am glad that you enjoyed the script.