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Dannyc
04-18-2008, 09:23 PM
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Dannyc
04-19-2008, 09:52 AM
The script is coming along.
“Boy with a gun” is the only name I can come up with that seems to fit.

Russell Moore
04-20-2008, 12:10 PM
Then it fits!
I feel like my scripts (all two of them) named themselves.

Dannyc
04-22-2008, 12:28 PM
Hammered out the script last night, 9 pages worth!
Itís somewhat graphic, yah rated R for sure.

Certainly not for everyone, but I like the story.
Now itís time to weed out the typos!...

Dannyc
04-29-2008, 10:32 PM
I think I’m ready to send the script.....
but still finding one or two errors

mentatDUKE
05-04-2008, 08:12 AM
Hi Danny. This was an interesting script. The situation was definitely over the top, but I feel you did a good job building tension as the hero was trying to aim the gun and the girl was being toyed with. My only problem is the fact that such a dire situation is resolved in such a simple way. Attempted rape and murder is resolved via "street justice" and by making the villain promise to never do it again. It didn't work for me. The fact that the hero gets the girl in the end and they walk off in the sunset feels a bit trite also.

Perhaps making the situation a bit more complicated and disallowing easy answers could have made things ring a bit more true.

All in all, a nice, brisk read.

Mobie540
05-04-2008, 11:48 AM
The goon friend is an unnecessary character. Just combine Jim and the goon into one character and use the knife handle as the ‘other guy’ to molest her. Makes Jim a bit more slimy and disturbed. Charlie talking to himself in the woods was distracting, I don’t think people talk to themselves that much, maybe a voice over would work better to show what he’s thinking or more descriptive visuals. Suggestions anyway.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-04-2008, 01:28 PM
Yes, I would switch it to a voice over as well.
I also didn't get the "I'll never touch her again" arrangement. A guy who goes as far as having a shallow grave at the ready isn't going to stick to any promise.

At least that's how I look at it.

I did like your writing style though. The pacing was very good as well.

Mike

jasonthewho
05-05-2008, 01:11 AM
I tend to agree with everything that's been said. I thought there was a lot of tension built, and that's really hard to do, so kudos. I was really rooting for the main character. I liked the fact that he was aiming for the knife, but hit his elbow instead, and then later played it off like he was going for that the whole time.

I think we need to know how the main character knows these two guys are going to try to kill the girl. That's never explained, and I think it's pretty important. I also think the whole script doesn't quite cohere, maybe just another revision or two would help that. I wanted to know more about the main character and the girl's prior relationship.

Thanks for a good read!

Dannyc
05-05-2008, 09:17 AM
Thanks for the creative feedback. This was my second short script and first entry to anywhere. I had no idea what to expect.
I tried to keep a common theme about a girl who uses guys and gets under their skin like a festering sore.

As far as the gripes about the script…
The “Goon friend” was unnecessary.
Yah good points made, the big reason for him was I wanted the main character “Charlie”to be way out matched. Maybe her ex-boyfriend “Jim” could have been an ex-convict psychopath on steroids.

And true about making him promise he’d never touch her again. I don't dissagree.

As far as the other story information left out such as whom, what and where, it was left out on purpose. Sitting in a folder among 50 to 100 other scripts I didn’t want it to be a boring script. I personally have the tension span of a goldfish.

Looking back maybe I should have found subtle ways to sneak story info in.

I had a lot of fun writing this (trailer park like) drama short. It’s been a fun.

Again thanks for the useful feedback!


Danny

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 02:12 PM
For the first two pages, I assumed that Charlie was the one who was going to kill Melissa; then all of a sudden at the top of page 3 now it's Jim and Charlie's going to save her. This raises the question, as has already been mentioned, of how Charlie knows this; I also wondered then why have the POV shots at the bottom of page 1 and top of page 2 if they're not Charlie's POV? Charlie's seeming annoyance with Melissa at the beginning also seems inconsistent with his cozying up to her at the end (his line about still being pissed at her notwithstanding; indeed, we have no idea why he even should be pissed at her).

I'm not going to pick apart your every formatting error, but just an example, your:




GOONS POV TRYING TO FIND WHO FIRED THAT SHOT, HIS EYES ARE SLOWLY PANNING ACROSS THE BUSHES TO THE RIGHT AND THEN SLOWLY BACK TO THE LEFT, BUT THIS TIME HE SEES THE SILHOUETTE OFCHARLIE STANDING UP AND AIMING STRAIGHT AT HIM.


GOON
poo poo This! (And runs off!)


should read more like:



GOON'S POV

Trying to find who fired that shot, his eyes slowly panning across the bushes to the right and then slowly back to the left. As he comes back to the left, he sees the silhouette of Charlie standing up and aiming straight at him.


GOON
poo poo This!

BACK TO SCENE

as the Goon runs off, leaving Jim in pain on the ground.

(And who knows, I probably did something wrong in that myself. :) And just for the record, I'm not going to take the blame for the forum screwing up the formatting. :D )

I wasn't entirely sure what you meant by Jim's elbow being blown off. Did you mean that the bullet went through and destroyed his elbow joint, leaving the lower arm hanging on just by the skin, or did it blow his hole lower arm off? Unless Charlie's got an elephant gun or something like that, I'd think the latter would be unlikely; and, at any rate, leaving a hole big enough to see through is pretty unlikely as well. Also, as mentatDUKE mentioned, the idea that Charlie's just shot somebody (regardless of what a slimeball the somebody was) and is apparently going to get away scot-free is a little troubling.

Finally, in response to this:


As far as the other story information left out such as whom, what and where, it was left out on purpose. Sitting in a folder among 50 to 100 other scripts I didn’t want it to be a boring script.

I would say that you're not doing yourself any favors by leaving out essential information just to "stand out" or make your script less boring. Obviously you don't want an entire page of exposition as to how (for example) Charlie knows that Jim is going to kill Melissa, but as much talking to the audience as Charlie does, a quick line or two about how he overheard Jim hiring the goon in a bar or something like that not only doesn't make your script anymore boring, but it also keeps people from thinking less of your script because it bothers them that they don't know. That's just my opinion, because it did bother me--but not everybody mentioned it, so it may not be as a big a deal as I'm making of it. ;)

krestofre
05-07-2008, 06:32 PM
I'm not sure I entirely understand the relationship between Charlie and Melissa, which seems to be a integral part of the story. As previously stated, he seemed to be the one after Melissa at the beginning and then suddenly he's the one that's going to save her. I didn't understand Charlie's motivation at all. If you brought that out a little more then I think the script would come together a bit better.

John LaBonney
05-08-2008, 03:09 PM
I think the problem with Charlie's motivation is that it's such an abrupt switch from "I'm gonna get even" to "I'm stalking them all to save her, even though she's a whore." It's the fact that he knows that these two are going to hurt her that is the problem with this setup; if he had started out with following her with a plan to kill her, then saw her being abused which caused a change of heart, the story would have worked better. Alternatively, you could have Charlie out to kill her, see that these two are about to kill her, and he decides to stop them so that he himself can kill her. At any rate, the fact that Charlie is in the know about these two guys and what they're planning is a big problem.

The couple walking off into the sunset at the end doesn't really fit the story, but I do like the end dialog where he claims that he was aiming for the elbow.

Thanks for submitting!

mjjason
05-10-2008, 08:41 AM
I echo what people said about the story and the motiviation so I won't re-hash what they said. What bothered me most was all the direction in the script. The camera pans, the POV, all that stuff just kept taking me out of the story and made it difficult to read. Personally I perfer no direction in a script as that allows the reader to visualize the story themselves and gives them a connection.