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rgill50
04-16-2008, 12:45 AM
This is how I was taught how to pitch an idea...so here goes....



BEHIND CLOSED EYES


Logline: A man wakes up in an abandoned sugar mill with no idea of where he is or how he got there.


Kind of a Memento meets The Twilight Zone.


Kyle Vargas wakes up in a cold sweat, alone in an abandoned mill. Disoriented and confused, he begins to look around for some answers. As he does he begins to find items that are very familiar to him in different parts of the building. Each item he finds triggers a flashback, unfolding the events of the last six hours. He slowly realizes that what happened in the time with his eyes closed could hold the answer to everything, but is it too late?

seansshack
04-16-2008, 01:03 AM
sounds good and good pitch

rgill50
04-16-2008, 01:19 AM
Thanks Sean, I appreciate it.

Russell Moore
04-16-2008, 09:44 AM
I'm intrigued, look forward to reading it.

rgill50
04-19-2008, 01:28 PM
Script is done and ready to be entered!!

....and now we play the waiting game

STYLZ
05-04-2008, 02:46 PM
Nice. I feel your style and mine are the same. Your short is a little more complex. The ending confuses me. Up untill the ending though is really good. Well told. Drama. Mystery. Suspense. I enjoyed it. Just don't understand the end. You know people would have a hard time understanding the end, thats why you put that note at the end. At anyrate, if made into an actual short movie I think this would do well. And the need to interpret the ending would be acceptable. Artsy. What short movies are made of. Rather have the audience thinking, than not. good job. Thanks for sharing.

krestofre
05-06-2008, 03:22 PM
I actually thought that you other entry in the fest was a better script. I had three issues with this one.

1. The exposition of Alyson on page 5 is too much of a "turn to the camera and fill the audience in on the plot" moment. I probably wouldn't be so critical of this, but you already proved to me that you can write better with A New Beginning, so I felt I should mention this point. Plus, with this dialog we all know what's going to happen at the end of the script because Alyson just detailed it for us.

2. This one is minor. During your description of the events at the mill at one point you're describing what Kyle is seeing and you say "maybe even a dead body..." One of my old college professors would always harp on this point. This is your story. You decide what happens and what doesn't. There's no maybe in the world that you create. He either saw a dead body, or he didn't. Which is it? Again, minor point, but I can still hear that professor years later telling me that there is no maybe, so I thought I'd pass that on.

3. The whole is it a dream, is it not a dream doesn't work for me. This is a personal point, and I mean it only as feedback from a reader and not in a critical "you did something wrong" sort of way. Anytime someone wakes up and it was all just a dream, I feel cheated as a viewer. Yeah, I know that you put the extra twist on the end that maybe he was having a precognitave moment, or time is repeating itself, but I still had that moment where I was like "Awww man! A dream?"

I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for entering it, but I think A New Beginning was all-around better. I'm curious which one you thought was a stronger entry.

Captain Pierce
05-07-2008, 12:19 PM
I can still hear that professor years later telling me that there is no maybe

Today's DVX User trivie: krestofre learned scriptwriting from Yoda. :D

To me, Kyle's experience in the sugar mill almost has to have been a dream, because he wakes up with Alyson's hairbrush, and later sees the porcelain doll that they saw in a shop, neither of which he would have had with him at the time of his crash. (At least, it's my assumption that the hairbrush and doll are supposed to be the same as we see later; if not, if the ones at the mill are just generic, I think it's stretching coincidence to have both a hairbrush and a doll there when both have played such a big part in his day.) Having said that, I do agree with krestofre that the "oh, it was just a dream" card is well and thoroughly overplayed.

The way what Kyle saw in the mill kept referring back to his day, I was expecting this to be a fairly standard horror movie, that the killer was using all these items of Alyson's to lead Kyle to the "torture chamber" where he had Alyson, and then Kyle would have to free her or something. I like that you didn't go there. :) I also like the way that you used these objects from his day to jog his memory more and more as you go along, as explained in your final note. But I think you need an ending that's going to be more of a payoff than just "oh, it was a dream" or even your "was it a dream or wasn't it?" Don't have any suggestions for you as to what that could be, though.

A couple of formatting points: in the transition from the first sugar mill scene to Kyle's flashback, the description of Alyson sitting at the vanity should come after you've changed scenes; and, if it was your intention for the hairbrush that Kyle has at the mill to be the same one Alyson is using here, you should mention that. (And the same for the necklace and porcelain doll later.) Also, I noticed here that all your dialogue has a blank line between the character name and the dialogue, almost as though you were leaving space for a paranthetical even where there wasn't one. I don't believe this is necessary.

Again, good potential; and I think this concept fits the festival length requirement better than your other entry. The story you're telling is complete at this length; it's just that I personally don't like where it ends up.

krestofre
05-07-2008, 12:23 PM
Today's DVX User trivie: krestofre learned scriptwriting from Yoda. :D

:laugh: Hey, that muppet knew what he was talking about.


The way what Kyle saw in the mill kept referring back to his day, I was expecting this to be a fairly standard horror movie, that the killer was using all these items of Alyson's to lead Kyle to the "torture chamber" where he had Alyson, and then Kyle would have to free her or something. I like that you didn't go there. :)

Agreed. As I was reading it I was expecting that same payoff and was glad that you took it a different way. Kudos on that.

John LaBonney
05-07-2008, 06:22 PM
I felt this script was lacking in a few areas, but I'm not sure I'm really able to be objective because I'm not a fan of dream stuff in film or literature.


The exposition of Alyson on page 5 is too much of a "turn to the camera and fill the audience in on the plot" moment.

There's been lots of discussion on this site and elsewhere about the use, proper use, misuse, and overuse of the flashback device. As far as I'm concerned, flashbacks are always a red flag, meaning that they should be very carefully employed in screenwriting. It seems that pretty much all of Alyson's character occurs in flashback. I'm wondering if she's really necessary at all; it seems her only purpose is to fill in the audience on the rumors of the mysterious killer and set up Kyle to take a long drive (on which he'd be captured).

At any rate, there are too many flashback moments and they seem to be used to tell the story more than creatively supplement it.

The notes at the end of the script shouldn't be there. It's not something an audience will be reading on-screen at the end of the movie. You don't have a chance to explain yourself. You've got to tell your story so that the idea that "it could be a dream or not" is expressed in the movie.

What's the pursuit element in this script? It doesn't look like Kyle was chased, it appears as if he kind of fell into the hands of the torturer.

Russell Moore
05-09-2008, 05:45 AM
I liked a lot about this script and thought the writing was solid. You might want to break up a couple of those blocks of description.

I echo the comments as far as giving too much away when Alyson is talking about the murders. I'd just suggest taking out the sugar mill part at least.

Also the part where you say he is wearing all the watches, just a suggestion, but , instead of telling us why he has all the watches on, let us wonder and then at the end, have him take off Kyle's watch and that should clue us in as to why he has them all on.

I know the whole dream thing is used a lot, but I didn't mind it here. I liked the two characters you created and thought their dialogue was good.
And damn those porcelin dolls really are creepy.

Overall I thought you did a good job.