View Full Version : Sweat
04-02-2008, 04:50 AM
A young woman will do anything to stop those that would take it all from her.
GL to all.
05-28-2008, 06:53 PM
Well this never made it due to extenuating circumstances which you can read about in the cafe. As mentioned there I have sent this of for a review, but this is my final version prior to that. http://www.scarlet-films.com/Sweat.pdf
Anyway I look forward to going through and reading them all today, hope to learn a few things and then congratulating the people who were winners.
05-29-2008, 06:56 AM
I like the story and the unique take on the pursuit theme. You're a talented writer. I enjoyed the descriptions in the script.
Overall, I feel a little misdirected. I understand the field giving way to a staduim and track, but what I don't really get is the Dark Room scenes. It feels intentionally cryptic building to a sinister pay off, but the pay off is, in fact, uplifting and emotionally powerful, so I'm left wondering why the dicotomy here? The dialog between Carazzo and Tracy is so disconnected, which I think was your intention, but in my opinion that doesn't serve the story. Also, once we understand the whole picture of the story, the idea of Tracy not going for medical help, and Carazzo being so adamant that she doesn't have time, and that his time is over strikes me as off. I have a theory about where you were going with that, but overall I think it hurts the script more than helps it. Doing a more straight-forward narrative instead of a reveal with this script would make it stronger, in my opinion.
But, having said all of that, you captured my attention with this piece fiercely! The back and forth between the Field and the Dark Room builds a ton of interest and suspence in a short time and that works very well.
05-30-2008, 04:11 PM
Thanks for taking the time to read and put your thoughts out there.
My intention with the dark room was to mislead - in your mind do you think this is too off putting?
Carrazzo is her coach and father, a confusing duality which caused the disconnected approach.
I have thought on the "not going for help" and and making some changes there that will better serve the story.
Once again really appreciate your input.
05-30-2008, 05:34 PM
I made a couple of small changes based on those points. It does work better IMO. Sending this off to the reviewer. Im sure there will be some further alterations once that comes back. New version in original link. Once again thanks for the eyes.
Good news though, looks like Ive got a crew to shoot this mid July.
05-30-2008, 10:23 PM
Glad to hear it's being produced. That's excellent and it's a powerful story so it will make a fine short film. I haven't have a chance to read the revisions yet, but I will.
In the meantime to answer one of your questions. Did I find the Dark Room sequences too off-putting? Thinking back on it, I'd have to say yes, but that could really be because I was reading it. Thinking about it visually I could see it being pulled off. Especially with the body language of your actors. The reason I say that is on my first read-through the Dark Room scenes seemed kind of espionage spy film ish. That's why I felt so misdirected. But that was just me bringing my sensibilities as to what constituted a "Dark Room." Once you make the film you have control over the frame and the visual language of the piece and I don't think that anyone would make the same conjecture that I did, so you're very likely OK.
05-31-2008, 10:07 AM
I enjoyed reading this piece. I liked the interaction between Carazzo and Tracy. (obviously I read it after the darkroom scene has been remaoved, so I can't comment on that.)
I never got a sense that she was dressed in an olympic uniform. Unless you were trying to keep that fact from the reader. But during the race you indicate a couple of shots where we would be able to see her whole form. But I'm just quibbling really.
The emotion was there and I the end was good. I liked how the scenes cut back and forth.
Overall I thought it was really good. Thats awesome that you're getting it produced, I'd like to see the finished product..
05-31-2008, 06:07 PM
conlan that will be in the shot - just an oversight on my part, really should be in the description there once we get the full view. Thanks for reading and commenting.
This is my first production back in australia and it seems I will have almost a double crew. And casting has started. Shooting dates set. So far is going good. Got some great location leads to follow up also.