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seansshack
04-02-2008, 02:29 AM
"Deadly dangerous pursuit."

http://seansshack.googlepages.com/poster2.jpg/poster2-full;init:.jpg

Logline: Dave finds himself running for his life, but can't remember why.

hungrych
04-02-2008, 07:05 PM
sounds cool

seansshack
04-03-2008, 04:35 AM
Thanks. Seven pages in and really, really not happy with it.

Bugger. More work needed.

seansshack
04-03-2008, 12:25 PM
OK. Nine pages down and getting better....

Starting to feel a bit action/comedy.

seansshack
04-04-2008, 06:07 AM
10 pages down and done.

I'm ready.

Russell Moore
04-08-2008, 10:38 PM
Your logline sounds intriguing. An action/comedy?

Wow, comedy seems like the hardest genre to write, I haven't even considered trying it yet.
Did you have that in mind or did comedy just evolve in the writing process?

seansshack
04-09-2008, 07:28 AM
Started as a bit of a "nod and a wink" type parody to...... (edited as giving too much away).

Started serious and as I got into it is seemed to call for a funny ending.

Not sure if it works 100%. Think it still needs a bit of spit and polish.

seansshack
04-15-2008, 12:43 PM
OK. I'm ready. Anyone else finished?

Russell Moore
04-16-2008, 09:47 AM
I thought I was done and then I wasn't, but now I am, I think...no, I'm definitely ready...so yeah I'm finished

seansshack
04-29-2008, 01:46 AM
Added a poster (and kept it small).

seansshack
04-29-2008, 02:09 PM
OK I'm uploaded.

My theme: A comedy/thriller tribute to great movie chase sequences.

seansshack
05-03-2008, 02:56 PM
Should have said - movie chases on foot. No expensive car chase scenes here...

mentatDUKE
05-03-2008, 02:57 PM
Hi Sean. This was a fun story with a humorous punchline. The pacing seemed a bit long, so that may be able to be tightened up. The punchline seemed a bit too familiar and done before. I assumed there was a logical reason for the man to be following Dave, but the whole "I'm the new boss" thing I feel has been done a lot already. Perhaps another polish to tighten up the pacing and punch up the gags and dialog could make this a stronger piece.

Just a few minor quibbles, but all in all, a good job.

arroway
05-04-2008, 02:21 AM
I laughed when he jumped a fence and landed in a kiddie pool.

Dave says “jumping jesus on toast!” followed shortly by “jesus”. I think it would have been funnier if he starts out yelling “Jesus!” which progresses to “Jesus Christ” which progresses to “Jumping Jesus Christ on a fucking cracker!” as sort of a running, evolving gag.

As soon as Dave kicked a “little dog” I found myself no longer rooting for him. This is one of the oldest character sympathy tricks in the book, only in this case, it's the inverse.

“He turns and starts to walk backwards” should be “He turns and starts to walk back the way he came”. Walking backwards is an entirely different thing.

When he confronts the Middle Aged Man and the Younger Man shows up, I was instantly intrigued thinking all of these people were different versions of Dave at different times in his life and I was waiting for the thing that tied it all together...with those expectations the ending was a disappointment to me.

Given that age ends up having nothing to do with anything, it’s strange that two of your characters are designated by it. Furthermore, I didn’t see why Younger Man needed to be in this at all. It would be more dramatic and funny if the situation and ensuing scuffle was between your two primary characters.

seansshack
05-04-2008, 02:33 AM
Thanks.

The idea is that the key scenes are a nod and wink to great movie chases (see if you can pick em out).

Hint. The kid at the start is the French connection.

The dog scene is a wink to Point Break - that goes horribly wrong. And I would imagine it would be instinct to kick a dog that just bit and peed on you (I do love dogs just buried my 14 year old pet). Was an attempt to make it slapstick.

The idea of the younger guy is that our hero drew this nut onto the person that was "following him" and causes him to get attacked (which is where the shoe and poster came in).

I wanted him to walk away from the mess. But the mess followed him because

"spoiler"

His new boss took the same route to work...

Thanks for reading.

John LaBonney
05-04-2008, 06:16 AM
Sean:

Enjoyed the script. I agree that Younger Man doesn't fit into this story. I kept looking for an explanation of why he thought Dave was following him as I read through to the end. If you cut that character, you would need a different method to separate Dave and Middle Aged Man after they have a confrontation (not to difficult to conceive such a device), so they can meet up again at work.

We get a hint that Dave's boss is unhappy with him, but I think it would have been better if it was clear right there that Dave was in for a world of pain from his new boss. The way it reads now I can't tell if the boss is joking or is serious, and liking to believe the best about people, I'm leaning towards the former.

I liked much of the dialog; I think some of it is quite witty and funny.

Didn't bother me at all that Dave kicked the dog. I don't think that kicking a dog is a good thing to do at all, but I found it appropriately humorous.

John

seansshack
05-04-2008, 06:59 AM
The young guy was my method to use a type of Monty python type scene - "who me, you are you" type of thing. + it starts a fight that causes the boss to get pissed(as he has been dragged into something unknown to himself). without the young guy and the fight it would have been an argument over nothing. Dave was acting strange and the younger guy would have seen this. So the young guy brings their fake conflict into a the real world, of which Dave walks away from (but it follows him to work and thus becomes his future - unless he gets a new job).

I tried to use the shoe as a symbol of his future woes (as it was used to kick the bosses ass) and he places it beside Dave at the end.

thanks for reading and commenting.

seansshack
05-04-2008, 08:42 AM
Signed copy of the script (wink) to anyone who can guess all the movie tributes contained in the short.

Just for fun for those film buffs out there...

rgcote
05-04-2008, 01:51 PM
Good job overall, but a few thoughts. I found the fight between the young man and the middle aged man a bit ... hmmm ... distasteful? Not quite the right word, but that part of the story was a little much for me and it seemed like the middle aged man would need some medical attention after that.

I think the sense of paranoia and accusation that Dave displays to the middle aged man would be enough to motivate a difficult meeting later in the story without needing him to walk away from an ongoing assault.

Regarding the younger man, here's an idea to push the irony of the final scene a bit. After Dave meets his new boss, what if the younger man shows up to interview for a new position in which Dave would be his boss? King of turns the irony around for Dave. This would explain why all three of them were heading in the same direction the whole time.

Captain Pierce
05-04-2008, 03:17 PM
I guess I have to agree with the people who find the Younger Man largely unecessary and perhaps even distracting. The coincidence of Dave and his new boss taking the same route to work is understandable if (as the new boss says) they live in the same building, but I feel a third character taking enough of that same route to think that Dave is following him is pushing things; particularly considering that Dave is taking a few detours here and there, but keeps running into Middle Aged Man because Dave keeps returning to the optimum route to work.

And I'd agree with john labonney that it could be a little clearer at the end whether or not his new boss is going to forgive all this, or carry a grudge. I'd further agree with Ian Arroway that slowly ramping up the profanity level as things went along would be a nice running gag.

Filmed, with the various tributes properly played up, this could be a very fun piece to watch. :)

seansshack
05-04-2008, 03:20 PM
Don't know how the fight could offend as it happens off camera.

As for medical attention. The guy won, as he was carrying the shoe and only sporting a black eye.

Would be difficult as he drew the guy on him through his actions.

Tis merely a comedy...

rgcote
05-05-2008, 05:05 AM
You know I was reading the script with more of a suspenseful, sinister take. As I look at it again with more of a comedic feel, I see how the fight part would fit well if given a lighter, comedic touch. I see what you are saying. My bad.

alex whitmer
05-05-2008, 08:02 AM
Script review - deadly-dangerous-pursuit

*I like this kid already!

He taps the child on the head with the paper and smiles at
him, as the child rides by.

CHILD
Fuck off!

This …

This prompts Dave to look around. Doing so he notices a
MIDDLE AGED MAN, walking slowly about fifty feet behind
him.

Dave looks around and back at the Middle Aged Man, who now
looks into a shop window.

*Does he look around twice?

This …

starts to look at his watch.

*Starts to, or does? I always hated the use of ‘starts to …’, especially for such short actions such as looking at a watch.

Page 1 / 2

Dave turns and looks straight at the Middle Aged Man. Who
now turns and starts to look at his watch.

Dave turns around and then looks back at the Middle Aged
Man, who is looking up at the sky.

*What’s with all the turning and looking. Jesus, I’m getting dizzy.

And this …

The Middle Aged Man walks around the corner and starts to
look around.

Dave starts to run. He looks over his shoulder as he runs
as fast as he can from the alley.

*Try to keep your verbs in simple present and avoid all that. Like this …

**The Middle Aged Man walks around the corner and looks around.

**Dave runs. He looks over his shoulder as he runs
as fast as he can from the alley.

*You can lose almost all the ‘starts to’.

*Save it for things like ‘He starts to make a call, then hesitates.’

Also, use of 'around' twice in the same short action.

This is redundant …

He fights to stay upright, clearing several steps in one
go, as he battles to prevent himself falling.

*… essentially the same thing.

Page 4

‘Jumping Jesus on toast’

*Can’t say I’ve ever heard that one.

Page 5

Typo here …

he takes his eyes of the
alley

*Off?

Page 8

This needs a comma …

If I were. It would be none of
your business.

Page 9

shoe less

*Should be one word.

Page 10

This …

Peter turns to leave, as the Middle Aged Man follows.

*Followed by this …

The Middle Aged Man walks away.

*He walked away twice?

Really enjoyed the read and the story. It kept pulling me forward. Not sure I get the ending with the shhhhhhhhhhit, and then you toss in a camera angle, but I’d say all in all this is a fun short. Classic humor.

It does leave the Younger Man unresolved, however. Who was he? Was he following Middle-aged man (note hypen).

I assume since Middle-aged man ended up with the shoe, he probably won the fight?

Alex

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com)

Russell Moore
05-05-2008, 08:35 AM
The pace and the mystery kept me reading. I found the story humorous.

I didn't find the dog kicking part funny because it seemed to be out of sorts with the kind of humor that you had been writing up to that point. I'm not saying kicking a dog couldn't be funny in the right circumstances, but nothing was going right for this guy.
Maybe after the dog bites/pees on him, he drops the dog, tries to kick the dog, misses, falls down and then the dog trots out of reach and barks mockingly at him. Something along these lines would seem more in line with how his day has been going.
For the most part I liked the confrontation/argument near the end between the three men, but I was also a little confused with the younger man part of the story.

I liked the interaction with the snotty kid in the beginning. I found "jumping jesus on toast' and a lot of the mishaps funny.

I had a lot of fun reading the script.

seansshack
05-05-2008, 11:05 AM
thanks for the read(s) and review(s)

The young guy was just an extension of our hero - paranoid and a bit edgy...

Still waiting for anyone to pick out all the tributes?

I broke my own rules at the end with camera talking. But wanted to spell out that he knew he was toast (jumping on toast even)!!

seansshack
05-05-2008, 12:34 PM
"You know I was reading the script with more of a suspenseful, sinister take. As I look at it again with more of a comedic feel, I see how the fight part would fit well if given a lighter, comedic touch. I see what you are saying. My bad."

No worries. If I had more space on the page I would have written the fight as a clumsy two grown boys pushing and shoving.

Thanks for the read and review.

aegriffin
05-05-2008, 01:06 PM
Sean,

Having read your script a few times now and this thread I'm to sure I can add anything more to the discussion regardling clarification that hasn't already been said.

I also feel the young man is not necessary and actually clouds what is happening more than it helps with such short script parameters.

However, I have no problem with him kicking the dog as it's completely in context with the character and exemplifies his escalating frustration perfectly not to mention humorously. I laughed anyhow. Then again I'm a cat person at heart too.

Nicely done all the way around. :)

Detached
05-05-2008, 04:39 PM
Love the title, but does it really fit?

At first I thought it was supposed to be serious, then it had me laughing.

I was a bit confused at who was on first here. The car and the mirror scene thru me, I wasn't sure who was in the car and who was on the street.

The scene going into the subway was very exciting, it really picked up for me. Then it got really funny. "Jumping Jesus on Toast". lol

I just couldn't tell if it was supposed to be funny. I think it was really funny!

The twist at the end was good to, his new boss and all.

Over all it confused me just because of the story, but not because of your writing style, which is very clean.

Good job and good luck!

jasonthewho
05-06-2008, 07:06 AM
I too thought that the Younger Man, Middle Aged Man and Dave were all the same person, and this was some sort of existential comedy. What you could do to clarify would be to give them a specific attribute that could become their name. The White Haired Man, or the Bald Man, or the Large Nosed Man. Anything really. I think that could also help increase the mystery if the character's names weren't so generic.

I kept thinking the kid in the beginning was going to come back and be important. Since he doesn't, I don't really see the point of having him. I guess he's supposed to be an homage to The French Connection (I've seen it, but don't recall the reference). I have to admit that I find the concept of building a script out of film references problematic, but it clearly inspired you into writing some very engaging sequences.

I like the idea someone had to have the Younger Man coming for a job interview.

There is a lot to like in this script. Some great tension built up, lots of great chase sequences, some very funny moments, a lot of conflict. I personally was on Dave's side and was rooting for him. I think if you clarified the script with a more specific direction it could really strengthen it though.

seansshack
05-06-2008, 07:14 AM
The kid at the beginning was just there to set the tone/theme and was a pure wink to the French Connection.

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Valid points about using character description of middle aged man etc - if I had more time this may have gotten refined.

Thanks again.

seansshack
05-08-2008, 03:59 AM
Really solid writing. Great use of comedy and action scenes....

'ang on a minute... this is my own script...

Bugger. All that time wasted reading and taking notes for nothing!!!!!
:-BlackEye(DBG

GGF NYC
05-08-2008, 06:13 PM
Hey Sean. Wanted to leave some comments but looks like what everyone has said so far really doesn't leave me much to say except I liked how you broke parts of the chase up by throwing some extra characters in there (The lady with the broom, the peeing biting dog), that was well done cause without those the chase started to seem a bit long. Anyway good luck man.

krestofre
05-09-2008, 12:49 PM
Really solid writing. Great use of comedy and action scenes....

'ang on a minute... this is my own script...

Bugger. All that time wasted reading and taking notes for nothing!!!!!
:-BlackEye(DBG

LOL. Funny.


I too thought that the Younger Man, Middle Aged Man and Dave were all the same person, and this was some sort of existential comedy. What you could do to clarify would be to give them a specific attribute that could become their name. The White Haired Man, or the Bald Man, or the Large Nosed Man. Anything really. I think that could also help increase the mystery if the character's names weren't so generic.

I had this problem too. I thought you were going existential, and then when you didn't it took me a while to catch back up to you. Jason's suggestion is a strong one. If you just described them differently I think you'd avoid any potential of confusion.

I also agree with the coments about getting rid of the Younger Man. I know it's a reference, but it's a murky one and brought the script to a halt for me.

The rest of it, I enjoyed.

smashedburrito
05-10-2008, 08:56 AM
Sean,
I agree with most people that I thought the younger man and the middle man were extensions of Dave's self. If you wanted to draw someone else into the fight then maybe you could have picked a hot dog vendor or the subway cop or someone a little more present in the city. I get the Monty Python reference, but I don't think it fits.

Also I would suggest cutting the voice over. Since this is comedic Dave can literally just yell these things out or say them to himself. Voice over isn't needed.

I think this could be one or two pages shorter. It is really a payoff piece with several references spewn throughout. In that case I think you could tighten up all the references (make sure there aren't too many) and really trim up the pacing. Personally watching ten minutes of a chase would be hard without massive explosions or gun fire. I think this could be a five minute piece with the joke ending.

I had no problem with kicking the dog. It's obviously slapstick.

I'm not sure if the Middle Aged Man is creepy enough at the beginning to really warrant the chase. IMO I think he could be more sinister looking or could pop up extra close to Dave or something like that. Just a suggestion.

Not much formatting errors here but make sure to go through and read this out loud for pacing and formatting issues. Make sure everything is in the present and that it reads like a movie.

Overall, good job I enjoyed the piece and I thought it was funny.

STYLZ
05-13-2008, 01:59 PM
"Try the sidewalk...Ya day
dreaming asshole!"---------love this

This was a funny script, I was laughing often. Nothing constructive to say really, seemed to drag maybe a page or 2 at the end of the chase scene. Other than that a great read.

seansshack
05-16-2008, 09:36 AM
any more takers? (bounce)