View Full Version : "Sonny"-A demented film by Robbie Comeau

Robbie Comeau
03-27-2008, 06:47 PM

Boy, this is one wacky film.

One of my best stories I've written, I think.

The idea came from a kind member on these boards named Seansshack.

I kind of stole his intro, and then I turned the story into a whole new idea.

I asked for his permission, and he was oh k with it. We decided to go in together, kind of.

I sent the final 7 page draft to him to look at it, and add in the "Theme" as it is not incorporated yet. But it can be, as I have an idea.

I hope you like the script!



Robbie Comeau
03-27-2008, 06:49 PM
A teenager gets kidnapped, for replacements sake.

Robbie Comeau
04-14-2008, 07:40 PM

Just added in the theme of PURSUIT.

Hope it goes well!


04-14-2008, 07:58 PM
Cool, Robbie, I'd like to read it if you would like more feedback. still remember the irst draft and am curious to see how you worked in the theme. Also, I think your logline may be a bit too direct. But that is just my humble opinion.

Man, I got to get started on my entry!

Robbie Comeau
04-17-2008, 03:14 PM

Michael Anthony Horrigan
05-02-2008, 04:13 PM
Nice work, Robbie!

I wasn't sure about the occasional camera directions... but I liked the script.
Love the title as well. It really suits the story.

Once again, it is early and it looks like I'm the first review so I won't give anything away. I did find it intriguing even though I could see it playing out ahead of time.

Nice work!


05-03-2008, 09:12 PM
-------------Spoilers--------------I guess.

Question. Why are they killing young men when they themselves had their son taken from them early?

I found no/little fault in the execution format wise. I just don't understand why they are killing young men. I know this review might not seem very constructive, but I really thought this was well told, just don't understand the motive.

05-04-2008, 01:14 AM
In your first paragraph, you capitalize an irrelevant prop but leave a character introduction lower case. That’s the opposite of what it should be.

“Sean now walks through another aisle in the store, looking for bottle of pop” you don’t need “now” and “looking for bottles of pop” is telling not showing. In screenwriting, always show, rarely if ever tell. Why not “Sean browses the selection of pop”? and you may want to consider calling it “soda”. “pop” is a Midwest thing.

You have Sean, who we now know is a delivery boy say “Boy, these people eat late” despite the fact that the scene he’s in when he says this is labeled “DAY”.

“Subtle screams” seems like an oxymoron to me.

In a quarter of a page the old woman calls him “kiddo” and then “sir”, not consistent or realistic.

I like the premise of your story more than its execution. It’s a very creepy, simple idea. In my opinion, the two main things you need to address are the unrealistic sounding dialog and the plot hole of these old people scoping him out in the grocery store then ordering delivery pizza knowing he’d be the one to deliver it. Also, if there’s four dead bodies in her closet, presumably all delivery boys, wouldn’t that be the talk of the town? Wouldn’t the delivery boys be paranoid about their missing co-workers? it seems a little too far removed from reality...

05-04-2008, 12:15 PM
Nice, creepy script. I'd love to see that whole scenario developed into a full length horror flick.

Forgive me for being dense, but I didn't pick up on the "pursuit" aspect of the script. Was it the idea that Peggy and Tom were pursuing "Danny" or trying to get Danny back into their lives vicariously through the other teenagers?

05-04-2008, 12:24 PM
I must say it was an easy read as the flow was pretty consistent. My negative comment would have to be with motivation and originality. I am not sure why these people are killing these kids as Stylz mentioned. Also, overall this concept is vary common especially with the glut of horror films recently. I think that hurts you abit as many people would know where this story was going before finishing.

Easy read overall with good formating and structure though I found the content wanting abit.

Captain Pierce
05-04-2008, 03:27 PM

It seems to me that the bodies in the closet are other young men who these two have kidnapped in an attempt to replace Danny, but didn't live up to their expectations of how the new "Danny" should act. (For all we know, actually, Danny himself might've been killed by these two because he didn't live up to their expectations.) If that's the case, than it could probably use a little more explanation so that more people get it. (And here I was just saying in another comment that I usually was the one who couldn't connect the dots. ;) )

I think bodies in a closet is maybe not the best way to suggest that there have been previous victims that met bad ends; I don't really have anything better to suggest, honestly, but that camera must stink to high heaven. :)

John LaBonney
05-04-2008, 04:06 PM

By the end of the first page it became clear that you're thinking visually (especially in the grocery store scene), which is good. I could see the images that you were trying to portray on the screen. But you need to ace-deuce the camera directions entirely--leave it up to a director how to visually tell the story. Instead of describing things with "we see," just write what's there, concentrating on the details that you want to see on the screen.

The story is very linear, I would have liked to see some kind of twist (him nearly escaping, them having a hard time capturing him). Usually I'm against overdoing plot twists in short film, but ten pages is a lot of space, so I think that you could have added something that would have had us on the edge of our seats towards the end. The ending needed a little more impact.

There isn't anything specifically punchy about the dialog; I would have liked to see it tighter. Something with a little more pizazz for them to say.

alex whitmer
05-05-2008, 10:46 AM
Sean, 18,

*Cap your characters when introducing them.

This …

Back to Sean, and he grabs two big jugs of pop, locking them
both between his fingers.

*How does he do that while carrying chips and dip?

*Leave shooting script details out. It puts your reader to work and yanks them out of the story.

This …

It’s a dark, cloudy calm day and all that can be heard is
the wind,

*If it’s calm, then why can we hear the wind?

This …

on an old crooked metal plate, slapped in front of old
tattered bricks.

*Maybe ‘worn bricks’ is better. Tattered is more like torn to shreds, a little difficult with bricks.

*Also, should be ‘slapped onto …’

This …

He looks at a white piece of paper

*Who gives a rat if the paper is white? Leave all that superfluous info out. Try …

**He looks at a note.

Page 2

This …

72 Richards, boy these people eat

*Don’t mix simple present and present continuous tense. Keep it simple present unless you just haf’ta. In many cases ING really works. In most cases it confuses tense and adds words like is, am, and are. Like this for example …

He is now at the door as he calmly knocks, making the next
knocks louder and louder.

*(Isaac Brody’s screenplay has this, but it works somehow. Be vigilant about it.)

*The preceding slug says day. Why does Sean say ‘these people eat late’?

This …

house. He looks astonished as his eyes open with fear.

*Astonished and fear are two very different reactions.

*Astonish: To fill with sudden wonder or amazement

*Fear: A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

This …

At the door, appears an old lady, PEGGY. She’s probably in
her 60’s. Her short body, short hair, and big blue eyes
stand in front of Sean.

*Probably or is in her 60s. Don’t make your casting director try and guess.

On page 1 you have this …

At least in her 60’s. Camera pans to quickly reveal old male eyelids. He’s also in his 60’s.

*At least and probably aren’t the same. Then you go on to say HE is in his 60’s, which more or less confirms the woman is in her 60’s, so just say 60’s and lose all the if, but, maybe and not sure.

This …

Her short body, short hair, and big blue eyes
stand in front of Sean.

*So where is the rest of her standing??

This …

Oh, I must have forgotten. My
memory gets worse and worse every

*You can go with just one ‘worse’.

This …

It’s chilly out here. Come on in
while I grab my husbands wallet.

*You never mention she actually steps outside. If so, there should have been a slug change, which brings up that maybe you should add a slug that puts Sean EXT. HOUSE .

Page 3

Oh, that’s oh k...You have a lovely

*Maybe you mean okay, or OK.

This …

Sean narrows his eyebrows, and has a confused look on his

*Not sure how one narrows their eyebrows, unless Sean’s plucking them.

This …

15.05 please ma’am.

She reaches into the wallet, pulling out two twenties.

*Sean’s dialogue followed by a pronoun that comes across as a typo. If you switch characters, use their name.

Page 4

Oh, Sean. Such thought..

*How does she know Sean’s name?

This …

His eye brows narrow,

*Earlier you had this as one word.

This …

How did you-

**Okay, answered my question.

This …

knocking Sean in the head
pushing him into the arms of Peggy.

*Needs a comma or and ‘and’.

This …

The face of TOM walks in,

*And where is the rest of Tom??

Cont'd ...

alex whitmer
05-05-2008, 10:47 AM
Page 5

This …

Now that that’s all cleared up, why
don’t you say we put on a flick?

*I believe the correct phrase is … ‘what do you say’ we put on a flick?

This …

Peggy sits on the couch beside Tom, who sits still in his
chair. Peggy smiles as she grabs the converter, turning on
the TV.

*Little clumsy here … Tom’s in a chair, so maybe say Peggy sits on the sofa close to Tom, not beside.

This …

Shot on the TV SCREEN and we can see SEAN, strapped in a
chair with a bag over his head.

*If there is a bag over his head, how do we know it’s Sean? Maybe give him some distinct clothing when you mention him on the scooter, like a uniform or something.

*In all, this is a very great scene. I think it should be played up.

This …

Sean sits still in the chair he’s in. His arms and legs are
tied to the arms and legs of the chair, and we can see that
his head is bowed down.

*Odd way of wording it.

Try …

**Sean’s arms and legs are tied to a chair, and his head is bowed.

*14 words instead of 32 to say the same thing.

This …

Peggy enters singing.

*Is singing a place?

This …

She is now up beside Sean, as she pulls the bag off quickly
revealing the tape over his mouth. His eyes are shut.

*Some of this is superfluous information. Try …

She quickly pulls the bag off, reveals tape over Sean’s mouth. His eyes are shut.

*Quickly is an adverb of manner that should come before the verb pulls, not revealing.

Page 6

A red little dot goes in and out

*Maybe this should be ‘blinks on and off’.

This …

We see Tom sitting in his chair. He laughs as he stares in
to a TV that displays Peggy and Sean, of their current

Try …

*Tom laughs as he watches Peggy and Sean on the television.

*That’s all you need. The rest has already been explained in preceding action.

This …

Peggy stills stands by Sean. She strokes his hair while
singing in a soft, gentle voice..

*Lose the underlined part, use Sean instead of ‘his’. Could be read as a pronoun typo.

This …

Tom bursts in with a party hat on. He holds a cake in his
hand with all the candles lit. He sings..

*Getting surreal! Love it.

This …

Aw, shi*! I left it in the closet!

*Seems out of character, and you don’t need to cap. ! works fine.

Page 7

This …


Peggy opens the door, to reveal 3 or 4 different dead bodies
scattered all over the carpeted floor.

*That’s one big closet.

This …

a quick stare

*Maybe a quick ‘glance’. Stare is a fixed look.

This …

She slams the door.

*Need a change of slug, assuming she has stepped out of the closet to slam the door.

This …

Tom is in a small chair beside Sean who is still passed out.
He has plates out …

*Pronoun confusion. You follow an action by Sean (passed out) by he, but that ‘he’ belongs to Tom. Should be ‘Tom has plates out’, as Sean is passed out.

Bottom of page 7

a flash go off

*Should be ‘goes off’

Lose this …

‘indicating that Peggy took the picture’.

*I think the click and the flash makes it obvious.

Page 8

She walks over to the dresser and picks up a frame of a
teenager. He smiles, and he is well dressed.

*More pronoun confusion.

Lose this …

Oh..It’s Danny.

*The rest tell us everything we need to know.

This …

Oh Tom..

*Getting a little melodramatic.

This …

Tom arises

*This from the thesaurus … arise - come into existence; take on form or shape.

*Yeah, it can also mean to get up, but it’s way too formal for this action. Sounds like something Jesus would do.


I really love the concept. A few things don’t really add up, however.

Dead bodies in the closet … How long have they been there? Are Tom and Peggy killing 3 or 4 a day?

I’ll assume the other’s met a similar demise, so why drag them upstairs and toss them in a closet?

Why is it funny at first, only to get heavy on the emotional side later?

Why even kill them? Just kidnap one and hold him hostage, make him pretend he’s Danny.

Not sure how Peggy figured out Sean worked at a Pizza company just by flowing him in a store.

Lot of holes to fill, but there is some great, quirky potential here.


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com (http://www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com/)

Russell Moore
05-05-2008, 03:50 PM
First of all, let me say I like the idea of senior citizen psychopaths going on a horrific killing spree. Its just creepier because they're old, kind of like when kids are killers/monsters.

I agree with some of the above. So I'll just address my main issue. I want to know more about their motivation.
We know they lost their son and I assume that on his birthday they whack a new kid. So they want to celebrate their son's birthday, but then why kill the kid? Maybe keep him as a prisoner so they can have their son forever.
Or maybe some teen boys killed their son on his birthday? So they celebrate by killing one of those kids(revenge) or just any boy (because they're whacko). Actually those ideas are very run of the mill, roll it around in your sinister mind and come up with something really original and creepy. ;)

I like the basic premise and I think you could develop it into something chillingly creepy. So bring on the bloodthirsty senior citizens!

05-05-2008, 06:12 PM
This is a well written and the direction really good! I know I would not attempt to direct that much, but you certainly know what you are doing and obviously good at it.

Not sure where "Chase" comes in here though.

I also wonder if you can just drop the grocery store scene all together? Or create another one, it just didn't fit for me somehow.

Great job and good luck!

05-06-2008, 06:29 AM
Very enjoyable read. I liked having a nice old couple turn out to be the sick, twisted bad guys. I would remove the camera angle descriptions for a competition like this.

I realize this would have pushed you over your page limit, but if you feel like developing this idea, I would like to see Sean finding some way to escape, with the old couple in pursuit. This could build to a more satisfying climax and resolution.

05-06-2008, 06:42 AM
Excellent setup and theme!!! (but guess I would say that)

I would also loose any kind of direction or use of camera's as it reads like a shooting script (if you are planning in doing it yourself, this is fine).

The ending would be better if you injected the pursuit them more. As suggested, have him escape and maybe a "texas chainsaw" type twist. He finds a cop and thinks he is safe, but the cop is related or in on it and he ends up back in the house (when he comes to). Would have the viewer on the edge of their seats, thinking he's made it and then a brief scene showing him in the room at the end. This would also help explain how no one has caught up with them. Small town nowhere kind of thing,

05-13-2008, 12:46 PM
I love the opening visuals in the grocery store. There are some very nice shots there.

In the end I don't know if I should be horrified, or somewhat sympathetic. I know the actions of the old coupls are terrible, and disturbed, but after the reveal I was kind of like "Awe." :)