Critique this scene?

[HBlack]

http://www.dailymotion.com/Thunderllama/video/5120631

I've left this movie half finished for far too long, and I need some motivation to get it done with.

Filmed on a cheap miscellanious canon dv cam. Under 4 minute clip.
Synopsis: Character A (first person shown, played by myself) has pretended to pass out and was carried up to a room during a party. Prior to this, he has put some sort of powerful laxative in Character B's drink.
When Character B is found dead before expected, A has to get back to the house before anyone notices he's gone.

I know the scene in the room I shot from is far too blue. I'll have to work on that. I also have to add a cutaway to the bath tub faucet being knocked by his leg, so you know that the sound of the water running isn't a really bad blood sound effect.

BTS/bloopers to come.

[HBlack]

http://www.dailymotion.com/Thunderllama/video/5121210

Q: Are we professionals?
A: No. We really aren't.

CAUTION: Kinda NSFW.

[Jon Starr]

Some honest critique.

Felt a bit slow.

Why did he go for the kidney rather than a head shot, or even a chest/back shot? That wasn't made clear, unless it's the characters style? I mean he seems to be a pretty good hitman for faking being passed out, and for putting laxatives in this guys drink, so why would he screw something like that up? Is there a reason or was it a choice because of the squib? If there is a reason (i.e. he moved) you have to show it. What was the second shot for?

Also, he was waiting for the target to go to the bathtub? Is there a reason? Did he not have a clear shot while the target was on the toilet? If I were a sniper, I would shoot the guy while sitting on the toilet. It's a perfect opportunity.

Show the sniper or rifle view on the target (pov shot), on the head, CU on the finger as it rests onto the trigger, cut to target and see that he dropped something on the floor. POV from sniper on head, and the CU on finger, bang as the target gets up and he gets hit in the gut. Sniper says "shit".

Anyways, whatever. It was shot.

Blood looks a bit thick and misscolored. Don't worry though, I still have trouble getting it right.

It just felt slow. That's all I really have to say. Try to cut some of the "waiting" moments out, a lot of useless shots just to show people walking. I would try cutting the whole scene in half or more if possible (or what you feel comfortable with). Just get out that lose junk that you don't need. I know you shot it and want to keep shots in, but the audience doesn't.

For example. When the hitman gets out of the room, he goes for his gun, he opens the window, he steps outside, he goes onto the roof, he walks, he jumps off, he walks. You don't need that much time to tell something so straightforward. The audience will know that if there's a change of location that time has obviously elapsed.

-Hitman gets the gun in one shot, gets out the window in the next

-target feels laxative start to work

-hitman jumps off the roof

-target is feeling woozy

-hitman sets up in another house

-target gets up to go to the bathroom

That would make it much faster and show us what's going on without boring us with walking and waiting. If you're worried about the music having enough time to build, well then cut up the music as well and piece it together.

The music was nice, but again, it was too long and the music just felt like it was dragging rather than building tension, that is until the end.

[HBlack]

I'll try another, shorter cut of it later to see what it's like. In a way though, I think it's necessary to draw it out a bit. The whole movie is building up to this scene, to get it over with so quickly might seem somewhat anti-climactic.

I couldn't have a POV shot, as the shooter and victim were shot in different cities. I had to put the camera on a big stick outside the window to get the binocular shot.

I didn't like the blood either. I'm going to have to work on it next time. Seemed much too thick and gloopy.

He didn't aim for the head because he reasonably couldn't hit it. The character has never shot before, and is shooting without optics from across a street and two backyards. Aiming for anything other than the center mass would have a serious risk of missing, and screwing it all up.

[Ryan Patrick O'Hara]

I liked the blue look of the sniper. Other then that, this is the classic suburban 17 year old hitman coming of age story. And what better opportunity then an underage party banging with some Gorillaz! :)

[HBlack]

Thanks. I don't mind the look of it (it's a magic bullet preset, I really need to adjust it), but I find that the transition into it is a bit abrupt. What did you guys think of the sound? A few people have complained that some of the noises (putting gun on keyboard, opening window) are too loud/unnecessary. I don't really agree, but I'd like to hear what you think.